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Can someone please mark my creative writing?!!

My exam is on monday and i been practising story writing which isnt my strongest skill. My exam board is eduqas and id be very grateful is someone could mark it.

The title is a new pet

It was a glorious summer's day and the sun was shining, letting beams of golden light gush into my room which created small rainbows like little smiles of joy all over my walls. Today was my birthday; the best day of the entire year, a day that I always looked forward to. I would’ve even said that my birthday was better than christmas! I crept out of bed, making sure not to wake anyone up, and I put on my favourite dress which was covered in tiny multi-colored flowers. Today was going to be a good day.

For as long as I have remembered, I had always wanted a pet. From a fish to a little hamster to a cat or a dog, I always dreamed of wanting one; just something to cuddle and call my own. I begged and begged my parents for what felt like years and years on end but the answer was always “No!”. “That's so unfair,” I moaned because I was always jealous of my friends.

Once I had finished getting ready into my wonderful birthday outfit, I ran as fast as I could down the stairs to the kitchen where mother was preparing my super special birthday breakfast. It was always a tradition to have this breakfast and I was extremely excited as I was never ever allowed it any other time of the year. I was so happy that a smile stretched across my face so big that it was like I was a kid in a candy shop. The pancakes stood tall with maple syrup dripping like water flowing down a mountain and topped with whipped cream which felt like I was eating clouds. I savoured every mouthful and when it came to the last bite I wished that I would get a dog for my birthday.

It was time to open presents. As I skipped into the living room, something felt different but I took no notice. As I sat on the couch waiting to be handed the first present to tear open, I noticed that there were no presents or family to watch me open them. I was confused. I didn't understand. Tears rolled down my face as I searched high and low for a single present. Nothing. I looked behind the couch and in every drawer. Nothing. I sat and sulked, thinking that everyone had forgotten my birthday.

Suddenly, the door swung open and all my family burst in and shouted “SURPRISE!” Relief rushed over me and then I saw what dad was holding. In his arms, cradled like a baby was, “wait this can’t be real?” I thought to myself as he brought it closer. It was a dog! I hugged it with all my might whilst being covered with wet yet cooling slobber. My dream had finally come true. Its eyes were blue like crystals and its fur was soft like a teddy bear. His name was Bluey and his ears perked up when I said it. I couldn't stop smiling. This had been the best birthday ever and it showed me that birthday wishes can come true.

Reply 1

Pi Joy

Dont use block capitals in writings because it is grammatically incorrect and the more ambitious vocab you use, the better

Reply 2

Emily_!?

Thanks for feedback 😃

Reply 3

Georgeallen

Hi Emily,

Let's start with what I found great about your story. You included a lot of good punctuation which was consistently used accurately. There was a vast amount of incredible similes in there to really convey your character's feelings, as well as a metaphor somewhere towards the end which was very well implemented. The plot was communicated very clearly throughout the whole piece.

However, you was just lacking a few more metaphors and personification. You are very capable of doing it and that is very evident through this piece. In order to boost your grade up, just consider different ways you can say something to create a metaphor or personification as this will undoubtedly go down well with any examiner! This leads me to my next point which is a lack of ambitious vocabulary. Learning a new vocabulary for Monday's exam is impossible, so I strongly recommend rewriting your story using https://www.synonym.com/ to improve your adjectives. Focus on words you already know the meaning off that are stronger so they are fresh in your brain for the exam! A very minor criticism would be the absence of capital letters for the word "Christmas" and also the incorrect use of speech marks. Just remember that when a new person is speaking you must start a new line. Finally, I think that there was definitely scope for a one word or one sentence paragraph to really emphasise an emotion you are trying to create within your piece. Personally, I would say that "Today was going to be a good day" good be isolated in it's own paragraph. This shows that as a writer you are very capable of structuring your work to make specific things stand out to your reader. You successfully achieved this in your work through the use of sentence structure and the variation of sentences. Paragraphing is just as important, however!

Overall, my mark for this piece would be as follows:

Content and organisation: 14/24
Technical accuracy: 10/16
Overall: 24/40

Reply 4

Emily_!?

Thankyou so much that is so helpful. English isn't my strongest subject so I will definitely look into your points.