I push everyone away, and I feel lonely, but I don't regret it

I'm in year 13 (sixth form from the same school I have been in since year 7) and have never been really deemed as 'popular'. I've always been slightly taunted, a couple times bullied but that was only a phase. I've always let people tread over me and never really fought back, not because I can't, but because I don't want to make a small problem bigger than it already is.

I have a few friends, or had per se. I kind of pushed them away because I never really enjoyed being around them. For instance, until recently I had a 'best friend' that was quite close with me in terms of friendship in school, we had a lot in common. However, whenever another friend joined the conversation, I'd always become the butt of a joke, i.e. they would always find a way to belittle me, mainly through questioning my intelligence and calling me stupid at a common subject that we take (when in reality I genuinely struggle with that subject). I always found it strange that people think it's fine to insult and make fun of someone just based on perceived merit, because I'm not stupid at all, in fact I'd consider myself quite clever, but would never boast like they do. This 'friend' would always do this, and even laugh at my face when I did bad in an exam, thinking that it was fine to do that just because he could. I did nothing, of course, and I still won't. Likewise, this friend group that I was part of did the same, and sometimes still does when I have no option but to sit next to them in lessons or in the common room. I've had people say really mean things to me about my appearance, my intelligence, my actions but I never insult them back, because I have empathy, and would never want to embarrass them in front of their friends. However, they don't seem to care about embarrassing me, to them it's perfectly fine. I guess me not doing anything incentivises them to carry on.

Either way, I'm going off on a tangent. I finally snapped with this friend because he tried to embarrass me in front of some common friends from our A-Level class, and told him to not speak to me. I think it's been 2 months now, and I've not said a word to him, and don't aim to either. In reality, I've just come to realise that he was never really a proper friend, he only needed me to ask me about sixth form or specific work. This seems the case for all of my friends, I don't meet anyone outside of school since year 12, they're not really friends just people I speak to in school.

So, overall, nothing's really changed, I've pushed everyone away to the point where I don't get invited to anything and nobody talks to me at all except a few people who ask me about school. I have basically no social contact outside of school, people in school have even told me that to my face; 'you have no friends' 'you're an npc I never see you outside of school' and I brush it off but it's true, I literally have no friends.

I don't think I'm depressed, but my life is prettttyyy miserable. I cry to myself way too often when thinking about how nobody really cares about me except my family. Thing is, I just wish I had a better friend group, because I'm happy that I pushed them all away, but I do feel lonely, but don't want them back. I just wish I made friends with other people or was a bit more popular at times. I've always struggled to make friends really, I don't really have much in common with anyone.

Now I'm finishing my A-Levels in just over a week, with basically no proper friends to my name. I've realised that since year 12, I get really anxious around people, especially females, not because I'm scared or attracted to them but because I don't go out, so I literally can not talk to them without getting really anxious. I'm going to uni soon and I don't know if I'll fit in at all, it seems like I've just become so boring and gone into a state of seclusion that I don't even know how to have fun anymore. I'm called boring all the time now.

I was just wondering if anyone could relate to what. It's upsetting for me because I genuinely have never felt so lonely, because I know that once I finish A-Levels I won't have any friends at all, but I guess I just have to learn to enjoy being in my own company I guess.

Reply 1

Spelunker

21

I can DEFINITELY relate to all this. I was in the same situation during both years of my a levels. I had just pushed away my only 2 friends (mostly due to covid and me not having the mental strength to contact them) and I was feeling really lonely all through college. I won't lie, those 2 years were the worst years of my life and it took a toll on my mental health but things did get better afterwards! I started uni which gave me a clean slate. no one knew me so no one thought I was boring or socially awkward. it was hard but I put myself out there and faked some confidence and I made some good friends! I'm not super popular or anything but I have felt less lonely and my confidence is built back up.

I get that feeling of thinking nobody cares about you, it can be tough. don't linger too much in that feeling it can really eat away at you and just makes you want to secluded yourself more. "no one would care if I didn't show up for this so I just wont" type of thing. I'm not sure if your applying to uni or are planning on doing something after a level but I promise you once its done it just becomes a memory. college is a tiny part of your life so don't let it define who you are! use the summer to reinvent yourself and start fresh! don't do what I did and think about the "what ifs" and "if only" cuz that just makes you more depressed. you can't change the past unfortunately but you can make things better for yourself for the future :smile:

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

This makes me feel a bit better thank you :smile:

I always get in my own head, because I'm not disliked but I feel like I'm just quite sensitive. Some of my biggest insecurities have stemmed from things people have said in as far back as year 7, and I just can't seem to shake them off.

I just feel miserable recently because nobody speaks to me, like at all. I haven't gone out with anyone for as long as I can remember. I even didn't go in on leaver's day because I felt like I'd just be out of place. I just wish I had friends who would ask me to just I don't know maybe meet some weekends or go to the cinema or go to the gym together or something. I just feel like I've missed out on experiencing things people in my sixth form have, like meeting new people and getting into relationships. I always look at how happy people are on Instagram stories and stuff and it amazes me because I can't fathom ever having such big friend groups and being so happy every weekend.

Yeah, I've applied for uni, just need to get the grades. I hope I will get them but who knows, I procrastinate a lot so don't get much work done. A gap year would destroy me if I'm honest. I wouldn't know what to do with myself, I'd be so lonely. I just feel really miserable all the time, and can't let myself stay like that for another year with no friends. I started thinking like that, especially with exams, I can't change if something has gone badly, it's just the future I can change, learning from my actions in the past. I just sometimes wish maybe I could start sixth form again and make new friends.

Original post by Spelunker

I can DEFINITELY relate to all this. I was in the same situation during both years of my a levels. I had just pushed away my only 2 friends (mostly due to covid and me not having the mental strength to contact them) and I was feeling really lonely all through college. I won't lie, those 2 years were the worst years of my life and it took a toll on my mental health but things did get better afterwards! I started uni which gave me a clean slate. no one knew me so no one thought I was boring or socially awkward. it was hard but I put myself out there and faked some confidence and I made some good friends! I'm not super popular or anything but I have felt less lonely and my confidence is built back up.

I get that feeling of thinking nobody cares about you, it can be tough. don't linger too much in that feeling it can really eat away at you and just makes you want to secluded yourself more. "no one would care if I didn't show up for this so I just wont" type of thing. I'm not sure if your applying to uni or are planning on doing something after a level but I promise you once its done it just becomes a memory. college is a tiny part of your life so don't let it define who you are! use the summer to reinvent yourself and start fresh! don't do what I did and think about the "what ifs" and "if only" cuz that just makes you more depressed. you can't change the past unfortunately but you can make things better for yourself for the future :smile:

I push everyone away, and I feel lonely, but I don't regret it

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