Was I (21F) overreacting when I told my soon-to-be boyfriend (20M) that it's weird th

This is a complicated one, my apologies. A guy friend (lets call him T) and I have recently confessed to having mutual feelings for each other. T found out by accident but apparently has had feelings for me for weeks. I never said anything as I was under the impression he liked another girl, Z.

Z is a mutual friend of ours. When I first met T, it was clear that he liked this girl. They texted all day everyday back then. He was clearly in love with her. My crush on him was still very new and we had not been friends long so while it hurt, I could live with it.

We avoided that topic for weeks but I assumed he still liked her. Since Z is a mutual friend of ours, I already knew she had feelings for someone else. From her, in unrelated conversation, she would complain about him flirting with her constantly. Knowing all of this, I attempted to distance myself from both of them. I knew too much. Someone else eventually told him that Z didn't like him back.

His reaction was to aggressively flirt with another mutual friend of ours. It seems like it was a rebound reaction as he ended things with her in less than 2 weeks. According to him, he started to have feelings for me as I began to open up more, since I'm a pretty catious person. We did not really know each other well until recently. He started to say things that hinted at us dating but I ignored it and assumed it was just a joke.

Eventually, it just comes out that I like him. All of my friends are practicing members of a religious community, where pre-marital sex is not a thing and marriage is the end goal. So assume sex is not involved (athough if it's happening it is definitely not with me). T was super excited, asking what engagement rings
I wanted and all the dates he wanted to go on.

I was super overwhelmed and I had trouble believing him. I've been messed around before so although it was hard, I was blunt with him. I told him that it was hard for me to understand his feelings for me since it was my knowledge that he liked Z. Apparently the crush on Z was very short lived and the dates of events do seem to match up based on what he has told me. He, well before he knew I liked him, called Z his older sister. I assumed this was a coping mechanism.

Since May he has liked her for a little over a week and he has apparently secretly liked me for over 2 weeks after that. My friends say he would constantly ask about me and say that he missed me after I stopped seeing them regularly due to exams.

I'm having a really hard time with it all. I overthink a lot but he's been so good to me these last few months. Even when he wasn't into me. He's a great friend to everyone so I tried to not let it eat at me.

However, last night he told me he talks to Z everyday. I have nothing against him having female friends. I have many close male friends. However, the frequency compared to his other female friends threw me off. With those friends it's every other day but with him and with Z, it's everyday.

He was very transparent about their conversation which I respect. However, he said he was helping her feel better, as she has PCOS and was having a bad day. He was thus pretty distracted during our call. For about an hour.

Again, if this was any other girl or it at least happened far less often than everyday, I really would not have cared.

He is very extroverted and checks up on everyone in the friendship group all the time. That I am very okay with. I just don't know why this particular instance rubs me the wrong way.

Now I don't know if I'm overreacting but this girl basically has her own boyfriend. She does not know that T and I are talking. I don't know if she would change her behaviour if she knew.

On my request, as I wanted to investigate my doubts privately, I asked T if we could keep things secret until we have been dating for at least a month. He's sad but it avoids everyone sticking their heads into our business. One mutual friend figured it out somehow, but he is the only one that knows.

I really respect T's right to a life outside of mine. He had a life before me and I get that. It just makes me really uncomfortable that he talks to the girl he used to like every single day, sometimes for several hours. I'm not sure if this is a case of waiting out the behaviour or maybe I'm filling in gaps where I shouldn't but I've been feeling immense dread for the last 24 hours and I don't know how to fix it.

He talks to me all day and calls me for hours. He stays up late for me so it's not like I don't get attention. He has called me his girlfriend on several occasions (although I told him he has to ask properly). I'm just worried.

This might just really be a case where he really did end up liking me more. My mom has encouraged me to let him prove himself to me. I don't know though.

td;lr My (21F) soon-to-be boyfriend (20M) texts the girl he used to have a crush on every single day.

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Hey, I totally get how complicated and confusing this situation is for you.

I've actually been in a similar spot before. I had a crush on someone, and when we finally confessed our feelings, there was this lingering thing with their past crush that just wouldn't quit. It felt like I was constantly competing for their attention, and it was a total mind-****.

So, I totally understand why you're feeling uneasy about your soon-to-be boyfriend chatting with the girl he used to like every single day. It's hard not to overthink and let those doubts creep in.

Here's what I suggest: have a heart-to-heart with your guy and let him know how you're feeling. Lay it all out on the table, no holding back. Honest communication is the secret sauce in situations like this.

Set some boundaries and make it clear what you need to feel secure in the relationship. And then, give him a chance to show you he's got your back. Actions speak louder than words.

Trust your gut and take things one step at a time. Relationships can be a wild ride, so don't be afraid to lean on a good friend for advice or just vent out your frustrations.

Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects your feelings and makes you feel awesome. Don't settle for anything less than the love and happiness you deserve. Keep your head up, trust yourself, and you'll find your way through this puzzle.

Reply 2

PinkMobilePhone

Volunteer Team

All of this is rather fast. He liked z for 1 week and he's liked you for 2 weeks? Also... there's talk of engagement before you've even dated?

Maybe just take a step back. Remain friends for a few more weeks and see if you both still feel like dating after that point. No messing about, just have a straight forward discussion about it.