Friends just started excluding and ignoring me

I've recently started university and have been here now for almost two weeks; over this time, I've made friends and formed a group with a couple of people. We've had plenty of social evenings: cooking together, clubbing, etc and seem to get on well.

However, within the past few days I've been completely cut off from the group. They stopped responding to my messages; refused attempts to meetup - claiming to be too tired - then at the same time also meeting up with everyone else, and not inviting me. Seeing them in lectures today was just awkward with both of us knowing they were lying to exclude me.

The problem is, I don't know how to approach this situation. Obviously, I completely understand that people naturally change friendships, but the change from being an involved member of the group to isolation was so sudden and overnight. Do I try talking to them to see if I've said anything or acted a particular way inappropriately?

But would that make things more awkward, especially if they just don't like me and are trying to get rid of me? It is early days and it's possible they don't see me as their type. Is it time to move on?

At the end of the day, it's awkward, embarrassing and horrible to be left out. Where I'm so new, I don't know many others and am not part of any other group.

Reply 1

Muttly

It doesn't need anyone to say to you 'are you sure you are right' or 'are you a bit paranoid' - no you are not. You know it has happened and the pain of being so totally rejected socially when you are vulnerable and starting out to find new friends is horrible.

Welcome to this mad world. It's all too common that 'someone' in a group will have said they don't like your attitude to something they perceive as important (or irritating), or your outlook doesn't match their outlook, or you want to go home early and they don't, or they just don't like you. You could have been labelled as 'boring', 'depressive', the list goes on. The leader of the coven usually confirms his or her observations to everyone else, and that is their power trip. The leader gossips and informally encourages everyone to 'cut off' communication with the chosen offender within the group, usually because the offender has offended someone in some small way. It is cowardly and everyone hides in the group going along with it because it could happens to them. Every 'loyal' member of that group has to go along with 'no communication' and show no dissent to that decision because that is group unity. Whether any allegations are true or not it matters not. Maybe everyone should talk more about this cruel and unpleasant medieval social punishment?

On a more serious note it is just how Hitler gained his power. It all started with subtle inactions of ordinary people failing to stand up to others doing something they all knew was wrong. Those that chose to turn a 'blind eye' to wrong doings put their own self preservation and selfish interests first. It only takes one toxic individual on a power trip to influence many people around them by oppression or fear. If you look at any insecure world leaders, they all have to have a 'baldric' figure immediately behind them to reassure their insecure personalities that they are right.

You can try talking to anyone of your group who you think might be receptive, but my advice would be - cut your losses. This group for whatever reason sounds the most toxic and horrible group you would ever want to hang about with. By all means, reassess how you come across in social circles, and do reassess your values and outlook. But then let it go. You are far better without them. Start again, and see if you can find someone to go to an activity or club with and start from there. Put this into perspective. I don't know how many were in the group but I expect it pales into insignificance when you compare the number in the group versus the numbers of students at Uni. Every year there is a new cohort coming onto campus, all looking for friends to link up with. I would go to your Uni social and welfare dept, explain what has happened and ask if they can help you link in with anyone else left out of the mainstream in crowds. They might even have a vacancy for helping others organise social events. Immerse yourself in everything, go out at every opportunity, try everything once and if you don't like it move on. You will find your perch on a new tree soon enough. Do not allow 'them' to get to you. Hold on don't look back.

Finally continue to believe that not everyone in the group you encountered (and others around you) are nasty. There are some really truly genuine and kind people about but you just haven't found them yet.