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Am I a red flag that I don’t have any friends?

Basically, was in a group of 26 in first and second year of uni and although I haven’t been excluded from the group, I realised they weren’t actually friends and they weren’t my people. One of the guys was bullying me last and they all ignored what was going on and wouldn’t help me or even help to resolve it, he also started spreading rumours about me and they sided with him and started blanking me so I blanked them. I thought I got on ok with some of the girls but they stopped speaking to me over the summer break and now that it’s uni again they’re talking to me but only when we have a lecture together. I was quite outspoken about what he was doing to me and I feel that therefore maybe I’m just not the same as them, not on their wavelength. I’ve hung out with them recently and I just didn’t feel good or that I was enjoying it when I was there so I’ve decided to stop seeing them completely. I now pretty much have no friends at uni and only have coursemates to talk to but again they only talk to me when it’s to do with work. I used to message my girl mates all the time but it took me a while to realise that they would take days and weeks to reply to me and tbh people are always on their phone today so if they wanted to talk to me they would’ve replied sooner.

I have 4 close friends at home that I hang out with, not in a group but I see them separately.

I’m in third year btw.

Would this be a red flag for a guy if he was seeing me? Am I the problem here? I’m also very shy and slightly autistic and overall not great in human interaction so I don’t really put myself out there to make friends.
Original post by Anonymous
Basically, was in a group of 26 in first and second year of uni and although I haven’t been excluded from the group, I realised they weren’t actually friends and they weren’t my people. One of the guys was bullying me last and they all ignored what was going on and wouldn’t help me or even help to resolve it, he also started spreading rumours about me and they sided with him and started blanking me so I blanked them. I thought I got on ok with some of the girls but they stopped speaking to me over the summer break and now that it’s uni again they’re talking to me but only when we have a lecture together. I was quite outspoken about what he was doing to me and I feel that therefore maybe I’m just not the same as them, not on their wavelength. I’ve hung out with them recently and I just didn’t feel good or that I was enjoying it when I was there so I’ve decided to stop seeing them completely. I now pretty much have no friends at uni and only have coursemates to talk to but again they only talk to me when it’s to do with work. I used to message my girl mates all the time but it took me a while to realise that they would take days and weeks to reply to me and tbh people are always on their phone today so if they wanted to talk to me they would’ve replied sooner.

I have 4 close friends at home that I hang out with, not in a group but I see them separately.

I’m in third year btw.

Would this be a red flag for a guy if he was seeing me? Am I the problem here? I’m also very shy and slightly autistic and overall not great in human interaction so I don’t really put myself out there to make friends.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this in your third year.

First of all, I'd like to say that it's not very fair to blame it all on yourself, furthermore to navigate yourself as an individual within a large group like 26 is extremely difficult to begin with. Oftentimes, it can be hard to "find your people" in university as it may be difficult to find things in common as you may all come from different areas- therefore, it's not rare for students to not have "their people" during their time in university.

If there is even a single person in your course or in your friend group that you could express your feelings to, I would suggest that you have an attempt at that. Express your feelings calmly and during a time and in a space where you feel safe, and also, try to express your feelings in a way that explains yourself rather than in an accusing, blaming tone of voice. Most of the time, miscommunications can be cleared up just by addressing the issue and each others' feelings. However, I also respect your decision to cut them off after not feeling good in their company, it takes a lot of guts to do so. Knowing when to let go, and identifying when a situation becomes toxic can be difficult.

I understand that you claim to be a shy and timid individual, but I do recommend that you seek new connections- it's never too late! Perhaps you could join societies and clubs that capture your interest. You can find more students with similar interests and you can bond with each other over them. I know it can be scary, but oftentimes we scare ourselves over the thought much more than it really is.

I'd like to conclude this to remind you that the right people will find you at the right time, there is nothing wrong with you, sometimes the environment you're in and the cards you're dealt with just aren't the best. But I trust that you will have a solid friend group that love you unconditionally.

Take care,
Danish
BCU Student Rep
(edited 6 months ago)

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