i dont understand it myself tbh but basically what the title says - i just want to know if anyone else feels or has felt like this before and how you deal with such thoughts? (also posting anonymously bc this is very embarrassing for me to admit, let alone talk about).
for context, im 19f and very attracted to guys (and maybe girls? more on that later) but can no longer stand the thought of actually being sexually intimate with one ever. for context i have not had any sexual experience in the past with any guys nor been in a *real* relationship with one, but i have always known that i am strongly attracted to guys and desired a romantic and sexual relationship with one. until quite recently, when the thought of what ACTUALLY occurs during intercourse randomly struck me as absolutely repulsive - since then i have been unable to stomach the thought of ever being in a relationship with a man if it means i would have to do such a thing with him (although at the same time i really want to have my own biological kids??). however although i have never had a real wlw crush and am unsure of my true feelings towards girls, i know that the thought of being sexually intimate with a girl does not repulse me - in fact it excites me if im being honest and over the past couple years i have sometimes fantasised about making out with a couple of my female friends... but again ive never been in any relationships before so cannot speak from experience and am unsure if i actually like girls or if im just curious, this is all purely just how i feel in my head.
one more thing that strikes me as odd tho is that although i find guys very physically attractive, much more so than i do girls, i get disgusted/annoyed when i see a guy topless or dressed 'immodestly'but when i see a girl like that i couldnt care less. im honestly not sure if thats also due to my recent repulsion, or if its just rooted in some deep hatred within me towards societal double standards for men/women or what lol.
also i cannot 'experiment' to get experience and learn what i actually like and dislike bc of religious/cultural reasons (nor do i even want to tbh, purely from my own moral standpoint) so i guess im at a crossroads. i know that if i ever do get in a relationship it will only be in marriage to a man, so how can i deal with the sexual repulsion i feel so strongly towards men without experiencing any intimacy beforehand? is it even possible or am i likely doomed to lead a life of sexual misery lol.