Being a woman over 40
Hi guys,
I've been with my bf for quite a while, almost over 2 years. In the past three months, I've moved to another city (but just 40 minutes way) so we meet up once a week now in the weekend.
Nothing too much changed, we still talk and text everyday and we're still really close. The only thing now is that he's gotten to know his mom's friend - the woman is around 41 years old. She's not married or have children or not even dating anyone. My boyfriend is 20 years and these days, every time I ask him what he's doing or what he's been up to, he says he been out with this woman like eating together and going to events and things.
Last week when we met in the weekend to hang out, we spent a few hours together and then he said that he's meeting the woman in the evening to have dinner together.
I asked him why he's spending so much time going out with her and he says its because she has alot of time and that he gets to try lots of different foods and go alot of places with her and that she has alot of money so he gets free food.
I really don't think this woman 'has alot of money' as she is still renting a room at her age instead of buying a house or even renting an apartment, but a room!
So I asked him 'doesn't she want to find someone and have children as when she gets old, she's going to be all alone', he said that she told him that she only want to enjoy her life and doesn't want to live beyond 60 years old.
I don't like how she is spending so much time with my bf. I saw on her instagram that she literally loves spending her money as she goes to all these expensive places to eat and also going to concerts and events all the time.
Do you think its because she wants to make her life so busy so she doesn't think about her age or about she is not married or have children. I read some articles in the past that people tend to do all sorts of things to make their mind so busy just because they don't want to come to terms with reality.
I understand that at 40 years for a woman, it would be a bit lonely as you're not dating or have kids or anything so you'd like to spend your time being with someone, and I also don't blame my bf because if you're being taken around and given free food, of course you wouldn't refuse.
I'm just trying to understand this woman that's all. Why would a 41 year old woman want to hang out and spend her money treating a 20 year old guy instead of trying to find someone who can be there with her in her later life? I feel like its because she doesn't have much friends and she is trying to forget or not think about her situation.
I've been with my bf for quite a while, almost over 2 years. In the past three months, I've moved to another city (but just 40 minutes way) so we meet up once a week now in the weekend.
Nothing too much changed, we still talk and text everyday and we're still really close. The only thing now is that he's gotten to know his mom's friend - the woman is around 41 years old. She's not married or have children or not even dating anyone. My boyfriend is 20 years and these days, every time I ask him what he's doing or what he's been up to, he says he been out with this woman like eating together and going to events and things.
Last week when we met in the weekend to hang out, we spent a few hours together and then he said that he's meeting the woman in the evening to have dinner together.
I asked him why he's spending so much time going out with her and he says its because she has alot of time and that he gets to try lots of different foods and go alot of places with her and that she has alot of money so he gets free food.
I really don't think this woman 'has alot of money' as she is still renting a room at her age instead of buying a house or even renting an apartment, but a room!
So I asked him 'doesn't she want to find someone and have children as when she gets old, she's going to be all alone', he said that she told him that she only want to enjoy her life and doesn't want to live beyond 60 years old.
I don't like how she is spending so much time with my bf. I saw on her instagram that she literally loves spending her money as she goes to all these expensive places to eat and also going to concerts and events all the time.
Do you think its because she wants to make her life so busy so she doesn't think about her age or about she is not married or have children. I read some articles in the past that people tend to do all sorts of things to make their mind so busy just because they don't want to come to terms with reality.
I understand that at 40 years for a woman, it would be a bit lonely as you're not dating or have kids or anything so you'd like to spend your time being with someone, and I also don't blame my bf because if you're being taken around and given free food, of course you wouldn't refuse.
I'm just trying to understand this woman that's all. Why would a 41 year old woman want to hang out and spend her money treating a 20 year old guy instead of trying to find someone who can be there with her in her later life? I feel like its because she doesn't have much friends and she is trying to forget or not think about her situation.
Well, I can kind of relate to what she says and does.
I'm 34 and wish I could be in her place when I'm 41. I'm sort of renting a room despite being able to afford an apartment. I'm saving about half of my wage.
I don't want a kid now, I'd like to have a good relationship though, maybe even live with someone and adopt a kid.
I can totally understand the wish to live and enjoy life while you can (however, my view on enjoyment is a bit different).
As for your bf, try maybe joining them (like ask him to ask the lady to join them and being introduced to her). If her intentions are just a friendly meal together this won't be a big deal for her... even offer to pay your own part. Who knows, maybe you would actually like her company too.
He is her friend's son, so she won't do something wrong... it is just easier to spend some time just for fun without any intentions from both sides, so I think it is just easy for her.... win-win situation.
On the other hand I completely understand your worries and awkwardness of this situation, so my advice is to join them just to understand things better and reassure that everything is alright.
I'm 34 and wish I could be in her place when I'm 41. I'm sort of renting a room despite being able to afford an apartment. I'm saving about half of my wage.
I don't want a kid now, I'd like to have a good relationship though, maybe even live with someone and adopt a kid.
I can totally understand the wish to live and enjoy life while you can (however, my view on enjoyment is a bit different).
As for your bf, try maybe joining them (like ask him to ask the lady to join them and being introduced to her). If her intentions are just a friendly meal together this won't be a big deal for her... even offer to pay your own part. Who knows, maybe you would actually like her company too.
He is her friend's son, so she won't do something wrong... it is just easier to spend some time just for fun without any intentions from both sides, so I think it is just easy for her.... win-win situation.
On the other hand I completely understand your worries and awkwardness of this situation, so my advice is to join them just to understand things better and reassure that everything is alright.
i assume your BF was the one who asked you out, pursued you
He is leaving you to go out to dinner with her and you think that's okay.Sorry I don't believe it is innocent fun.If he is not prioritising you at the weekend even more so.He is having his cake and eating it literally with another woman and has you on the side.Tell him you think it's weird and ask him to stop seeing her,then you will know where you stand.
Original post by Kathy89
Well, I can kind of relate to what she says and does.
I'm 34 and wish I could be in her place when I'm 41. I'm sort of renting a room despite being able to afford an apartment. I'm saving about half of my wage.
I don't want a kid now, I'd like to have a good relationship though, maybe even live with someone and adopt a kid.
I can totally understand the wish to live and enjoy life while you can (however, my view on enjoyment is a bit different).
As for your bf, try maybe joining them (like ask him to ask the lady to join them and being introduced to her). If her intentions are just a friendly meal together this won't be a big deal for her... even offer to pay your own part. Who knows, maybe you would actually like her company too.
He is her friend's son, so she won't do something wrong... it is just easier to spend some time just for fun without any intentions from both sides, so I think it is just easy for her.... win-win situation.
On the other hand I completely understand your worries and awkwardness of this situation, so my advice is to join them just to understand things better and reassure that everything is alright.
I'm 34 and wish I could be in her place when I'm 41. I'm sort of renting a room despite being able to afford an apartment. I'm saving about half of my wage.
I don't want a kid now, I'd like to have a good relationship though, maybe even live with someone and adopt a kid.
I can totally understand the wish to live and enjoy life while you can (however, my view on enjoyment is a bit different).
As for your bf, try maybe joining them (like ask him to ask the lady to join them and being introduced to her). If her intentions are just a friendly meal together this won't be a big deal for her... even offer to pay your own part. Who knows, maybe you would actually like her company too.
He is her friend's son, so she won't do something wrong... it is just easier to spend some time just for fun without any intentions from both sides, so I think it is just easy for her.... win-win situation.
On the other hand I completely understand your worries and awkwardness of this situation, so my advice is to join them just to understand things better and reassure that everything is alright.
But she is 41 years old, why would I want to hang out and eat with her, the age difference is so big.. and its so strange why doesn't she want to eat and hang out with people her own age?
Original post by Anonymous #1
But she is 41 years old, why would I want to hang out and eat with her, the age difference is so big.. and its so strange why doesn't she want to eat and hang out with people her own age?
Maybe she likes being a sugar-momey or just likes to feel young. I don't know, but why not to try to know her better before assuming anything.
Original post by Scotney
He is leaving you to go out to dinner with her and you think that's okay.Sorry I don't believe it is innocent fun.If he is not prioritising you at the weekend even more so.He is having his cake and eating it literally with another woman and has you on the side.Tell him you think it's weird and ask him to stop seeing her,then you will know where you stand.
Yes thats exactly what is upsetting to me- it doesn't look like he is prioritising spending time with me. And the weekend is the only time we actually can meet up and see each other.
We made plans to see each other this Sunday, but then yesterday he says that he is working his part time job from 8am until 3pm so he can only spend like 2 hours with me, so I got angry and said no, if I'm only going to spend 2 hours and thats all, then forget it. So he says that he already make plans to see his friends on Saturday so he can't see my on Saturday. I mean this really ridiculous, he choose to spend his entire Saturday seeing his friend but only can make 2 hours to see me on Sunday? What do you make of that?
Original post by Anonymous #1
Yes thats exactly what is upsetting to me- it doesn't look like he is prioritising spending time with me. And the weekend is the only time we actually can meet up and see each other.
We made plans to see each other this Sunday, but then yesterday he says that he is working his part time job from 8am until 3pm so he can only spend like 2 hours with me, so I got angry and said no, if I'm only going to spend 2 hours and thats all, then forget it. So he says that he already make plans to see his friends on Saturday so he can't see my on Saturday. I mean this really ridiculous, he choose to spend his entire Saturday seeing his friend but only can make 2 hours to see me on Sunday? What do you make of that?
We made plans to see each other this Sunday, but then yesterday he says that he is working his part time job from 8am until 3pm so he can only spend like 2 hours with me, so I got angry and said no, if I'm only going to spend 2 hours and thats all, then forget it. So he says that he already make plans to see his friends on Saturday so he can't see my on Saturday. I mean this really ridiculous, he choose to spend his entire Saturday seeing his friend but only can make 2 hours to see me on Sunday? What do you make of that?
Talk about it with him. Tell him how you feel. If he is not trying to make any effort to improve it it means he doesn't really care about you.
I talked to him twice now within the last 3 weeks. I told him that let's take a break as I can't see his care or effort for me as much anymore, and he got angry saying that he's doing his best and that he's making an effort and why can't I see it. He used to text me alot and call everyday, but now he just sends like 2 texts and then spends 5 minutes talking to me on the phone a day. Before, he used to call me for an hour everyday.
So where is the effort then? He thinks only seeing me 1 or 2 hours in the weekend but seeing and hanging out with his friends everyday and making time to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week is him making an effort for me. Why can't he see it?
And its so strange that when I bring about lets take a break or lets end things, he becomes so angry and can't understand why I'm saying that. Isn't it so obvious?
So where is the effort then? He thinks only seeing me 1 or 2 hours in the weekend but seeing and hanging out with his friends everyday and making time to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week is him making an effort for me. Why can't he see it?
And its so strange that when I bring about lets take a break or lets end things, he becomes so angry and can't understand why I'm saying that. Isn't it so obvious?
Original post by Anonymous #1
I talked to him twice now within the last 3 weeks. I told him that let's take a break as I can't see his care or effort for me as much anymore, and he got angry saying that he's doing his best and that he's making an effort and why can't I see it. He used to text me alot and call everyday, but now he just sends like 2 texts and then spends 5 minutes talking to me on the phone a day. Before, he used to call me for an hour everyday.
So where is the effort then? He thinks only seeing me 1 or 2 hours in the weekend but seeing and hanging out with his friends everyday and making time to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week is him making an effort for me. Why can't he see it?
And its so strange that when I bring about lets take a break or lets end things, he becomes so angry and can't understand why I'm saying that. Isn't it so obvious?
So where is the effort then? He thinks only seeing me 1 or 2 hours in the weekend but seeing and hanging out with his friends everyday and making time to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week is him making an effort for me. Why can't he see it?
And its so strange that when I bring about lets take a break or lets end things, he becomes so angry and can't understand why I'm saying that. Isn't it so obvious?
It is called gaslighting so he gets angry with you and blames you for problems he has caused or says you are imagining things.
I know it is hard but dump him.If he really cares he can then pull his finger out and put the effort in to win you back.If he doesn't you will know you made the right decision.
You deserve someone who adores you and puts you first.Take care and good luck.
Original post by Anonymous #1
I talked to him twice now within the last 3 weeks. I told him that let's take a break as I can't see his care or effort for me as much anymore, and he got angry saying that he's doing his best and that he's making an effort and why can't I see it. He used to text me alot and call everyday, but now he just sends like 2 texts and then spends 5 minutes talking to me on the phone a day. Before, he used to call me for an hour everyday.
So where is the effort then? He thinks only seeing me 1 or 2 hours in the weekend but seeing and hanging out with his friends everyday and making time to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week is him making an effort for me. Why can't he see it?
And its so strange that when I bring about lets take a break or lets end things, he becomes so angry and can't understand why I'm saying that. Isn't it so obvious?
So where is the effort then? He thinks only seeing me 1 or 2 hours in the weekend but seeing and hanging out with his friends everyday and making time to see this woman 2 or 3 times a week is him making an effort for me. Why can't he see it?
And its so strange that when I bring about lets take a break or lets end things, he becomes so angry and can't understand why I'm saying that. Isn't it so obvious?
Now it sounds more and more like a toxic relationship.
You should find someone who treats you better
Thanks for your responses.
This and last week, I got really angry as he has so much free hours in the day but still chooses only to text me at 10pm in the night with 'I'm so sleepy, goodnight x'. I can't see why he only just sends me two texts in a whole day (especially at the end of the day!), its very uncaring and inconsiderate.
On Sunday, at 9:30pm, he texts his usual 'I'm so tired, goodnight' and then I called him and he picked up saying that he only have 30 minutes and then he goes to sleep and when I said that I want to speak for longer, he asks 'why didn't you call earlier then?'. I don't know what to make of this? It makes me feel like he couldn't even bothered to call or nothing and he expects me to call if I want to talk to him but he wouldn't. How selfish is that? He will be there going out to see his friends and everyone else and be there texting people all day and even saying he's going to sleep when he fact when I checked his last seen, it says he's almost always online until 12am
Its just makes me so mad that he prefers to send me two texts in a day instead of just calling me.
That Sunday night, he said that the next day (Monday), I can call him and we can either play some games or we can talk whichever one I want for 30 minutes. After he said, I blocked him straight away off everything.
Then yesterday, he tried calling 8 times but couldn't get through to me cause he was blocked since that Sunday night. So when he couldn't get through, he messaged me on another place saying 'Explain yourself' and sending a picture of the chat where on Monday he sent me messages at 9:30pm asking if I am asleep and why he's not getting back a reply. I can also see that in that Instagram picture he sent, he didn't even try to call or nothing to find out why I didn't reply. I also checked my calls history and it didn't show he tried to call either (even if the person is blocked, it still shows up in the call history but as 'automatically rejected' so he didn't even try to make an effort to actually call to find out anything that whole Monday, its only until Tuesday late afternoon he found out he was blocked and tried to call and reach out to me. So that means he's got time in the afternoon to call seeing as thats what he did yesterday, but instead choose to only send me one or two texts at 10pm in the night.
Its only when people feel you're going away or they're losing you that they actually start to do something.
This and last week, I got really angry as he has so much free hours in the day but still chooses only to text me at 10pm in the night with 'I'm so sleepy, goodnight x'. I can't see why he only just sends me two texts in a whole day (especially at the end of the day!), its very uncaring and inconsiderate.
On Sunday, at 9:30pm, he texts his usual 'I'm so tired, goodnight' and then I called him and he picked up saying that he only have 30 minutes and then he goes to sleep and when I said that I want to speak for longer, he asks 'why didn't you call earlier then?'. I don't know what to make of this? It makes me feel like he couldn't even bothered to call or nothing and he expects me to call if I want to talk to him but he wouldn't. How selfish is that? He will be there going out to see his friends and everyone else and be there texting people all day and even saying he's going to sleep when he fact when I checked his last seen, it says he's almost always online until 12am
Its just makes me so mad that he prefers to send me two texts in a day instead of just calling me.
That Sunday night, he said that the next day (Monday), I can call him and we can either play some games or we can talk whichever one I want for 30 minutes. After he said, I blocked him straight away off everything.
Then yesterday, he tried calling 8 times but couldn't get through to me cause he was blocked since that Sunday night. So when he couldn't get through, he messaged me on another place saying 'Explain yourself' and sending a picture of the chat where on Monday he sent me messages at 9:30pm asking if I am asleep and why he's not getting back a reply. I can also see that in that Instagram picture he sent, he didn't even try to call or nothing to find out why I didn't reply. I also checked my calls history and it didn't show he tried to call either (even if the person is blocked, it still shows up in the call history but as 'automatically rejected' so he didn't even try to make an effort to actually call to find out anything that whole Monday, its only until Tuesday late afternoon he found out he was blocked and tried to call and reach out to me. So that means he's got time in the afternoon to call seeing as thats what he did yesterday, but instead choose to only send me one or two texts at 10pm in the night.
Its only when people feel you're going away or they're losing you that they actually start to do something.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Thanks for your responses.
This and last week, I got really angry as he has so much free hours in the day but still chooses only to text me at 10pm in the night with 'I'm so sleepy, goodnight x'. I can't see why he only just sends me two texts in a whole day (especially at the end of the day!), its very uncaring and inconsiderate.
On Sunday, at 9:30pm, he texts his usual 'I'm so tired, goodnight' and then I called him and he picked up saying that he only have 30 minutes and then he goes to sleep and when I said that I want to speak for longer, he asks 'why didn't you call earlier then?'. I don't know what to make of this? It makes me feel like he couldn't even bothered to call or nothing and he expects me to call if I want to talk to him but he wouldn't. How selfish is that? He will be there going out to see his friends and everyone else and be there texting people all day and even saying he's going to sleep when he fact when I checked his last seen, it says he's almost always online until 12am
Its just makes me so mad that he prefers to send me two texts in a day instead of just calling me.
That Sunday night, he said that the next day (Monday), I can call him and we can either play some games or we can talk whichever one I want for 30 minutes. After he said, I blocked him straight away off everything.
Then yesterday, he tried calling 8 times but couldn't get through to me cause he was blocked since that Sunday night. So when he couldn't get through, he messaged me on another place saying 'Explain yourself' and sending a picture of the chat where on Monday he sent me messages at 9:30pm asking if I am asleep and why he's not getting back a reply. I can also see that in that Instagram picture he sent, he didn't even try to call or nothing to find out why I didn't reply. I also checked my calls history and it didn't show he tried to call either (even if the person is blocked, it still shows up in the call history but as 'automatically rejected' so he didn't even try to make an effort to actually call to find out anything that whole Monday, its only until Tuesday late afternoon he found out he was blocked and tried to call and reach out to me. So that means he's got time in the afternoon to call seeing as thats what he did yesterday, but instead choose to only send me one or two texts at 10pm in the night.
Its only when people feel you're going away or they're losing you that they actually start to do something.
This and last week, I got really angry as he has so much free hours in the day but still chooses only to text me at 10pm in the night with 'I'm so sleepy, goodnight x'. I can't see why he only just sends me two texts in a whole day (especially at the end of the day!), its very uncaring and inconsiderate.
On Sunday, at 9:30pm, he texts his usual 'I'm so tired, goodnight' and then I called him and he picked up saying that he only have 30 minutes and then he goes to sleep and when I said that I want to speak for longer, he asks 'why didn't you call earlier then?'. I don't know what to make of this? It makes me feel like he couldn't even bothered to call or nothing and he expects me to call if I want to talk to him but he wouldn't. How selfish is that? He will be there going out to see his friends and everyone else and be there texting people all day and even saying he's going to sleep when he fact when I checked his last seen, it says he's almost always online until 12am
Its just makes me so mad that he prefers to send me two texts in a day instead of just calling me.
That Sunday night, he said that the next day (Monday), I can call him and we can either play some games or we can talk whichever one I want for 30 minutes. After he said, I blocked him straight away off everything.
Then yesterday, he tried calling 8 times but couldn't get through to me cause he was blocked since that Sunday night. So when he couldn't get through, he messaged me on another place saying 'Explain yourself' and sending a picture of the chat where on Monday he sent me messages at 9:30pm asking if I am asleep and why he's not getting back a reply. I can also see that in that Instagram picture he sent, he didn't even try to call or nothing to find out why I didn't reply. I also checked my calls history and it didn't show he tried to call either (even if the person is blocked, it still shows up in the call history but as 'automatically rejected' so he didn't even try to make an effort to actually call to find out anything that whole Monday, its only until Tuesday late afternoon he found out he was blocked and tried to call and reach out to me. So that means he's got time in the afternoon to call seeing as thats what he did yesterday, but instead choose to only send me one or two texts at 10pm in the night.
Its only when people feel you're going away or they're losing you that they actually start to do something.
I think you have made the right decision. Now that you have finally had enough he is trying to win you back despite treating you like rubbish for so long. Please dump him, leave him in the gutter, make it clear to him you do NOT want to be with him any longer.
You may want to explicitly tell him 'It's over, we're finished' or something like that so you have some wriggle room in case things escalate. And if he gets overly persistent, or you feel your life is being detrimentally affected by him (harassed or stalked) then consider getting the police involved.
Keep us updated please, my gf went through a similar abusive relationship in the past and she helped me write this 🙂
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- What do you guys make of this?
- Why is this guy cheating and not helping it?
- AQA English Language Paper 1 Question 5
- Going out with a 45 year old.
- who else here is 40 and still single?
- Splitting bill? 2 years ? Worker laughed at me?
- Is that woman being right while judging our age gap?
- Do men in their 50s still get crushes on younger women?
- Factors to consider when having a child
- Edexcel A Level English Literature Paper 2 (9ET0 02) - 8th June 2023 [Exam Chat]
- Is it bad that I DON'T want to be an 'independent woman'?
- Bf unhappy I won't let him do stuff
- English Lit NEA
- Going to uni at 21?
- Why do people hate it when a woman doesn't want kids?
- Should I tell a woman her husband is cheating on her?
- ENGLISH LANGUAGE PAPER 2 model answers (Grade 9)
- OCR A-level Sociology Paper 3 (H580/03) - 14th June 2023 [Exam Chat]
- How does student finance work for mature students?
- Asked a girl out again and not sure where I stand...
Latest
Trending
Last reply 6 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 6 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 6 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 6 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
