Just really needed to rant.

I don't know what to do. I'm 17 right now, and I'm living with my parents. I'm Asian, and it's well known that Asians have much higher standards for their kids, to the point where it harms the child a lot. My whole life it's been standard after standard. My parents aren't really strict, but at the same time, I never really felt like I had a say in what I wanted to do.

When I was in elementary, my mom entered me into dance, music, and taekwondo. People would say that my mom wanted me to be multitalented, and your passion for it grows as you grow up learning it. But I only hated them more. I have a great vocal range, I can memorize dance steps quickly, and I was flexible enough to do really well in taekwondo. But all of it felt empty no matter how much or how long I did it. My mom would rarely praise me, and I never felt like I was doing well enough. It's one thing to say that there is stuff to improve on and oh you did well or something like that, but it hurts when your mom just tells you all the little mistakes that you did. You never feel perfect enough. I've had several arguments over the years about it, and I finally convinced her to drop them because I didn't want to do them anymore. She turned into a monster that day. She was far worse: she called me worthless, a good-for-nothing, that I would be the death of her, that I ruin her sanity, and just overall a pathetic person who has nothing cool about her. But I was used to it. It wasn't the first time she was like this. The first time I ever really saw this side of her was in 6th grade, where I did not enter advanced math by 2 points. She degraded me to the point where I thought of jumping off the roof. And even now I still feel like jumping off a roof and just ending it all. But I want to live. I want to be happy, and I don't have the courage to go through with it.

Another thing is my weight. This is an issue with both of my parents. My mother makes me feel pathetic about myself whenever she goes on one of her rants. She calls me an AH in our language if I try and talk back because talking back to her is me showing off my arrogance. I'm not obese at all. I am overweight by healthy standards, but I'm making changes slowly, because it's hard for me to commit to something like that so quickly and make it a habit. I've lost a couple inches here and there, but it's just not enough for her. She constantly picks at my looks: my weight, my hair if I forgot to wash it, my skin if I didn't put lotion on and even my clothes since I like to wear a pant and a shirt. She tells me that I don't look feminine enough and that I should wear more dresses and skirts, but she is the same woman who degrades me if I wore them. I'm so lost because I don't know what she wants from me at this point. My dad isn't helpful either. If I'm eating and watching TV, he tells me to stop because I gain weight that way. I can't eat a lot because he says that I eat too much. I hate eating in front of either of them because I'm constantly judged.

And there is so much more to say, but I have to go. I'll make another post because I still have so much to rant about.

Reply 1

Dazza07h

Well done with putting up with that over many years and having the courage to argue your case in your passions, it takes a strong person to do that. I myself am half-asian and face no where near as bad but still degrading things from my parents, and that already is bad enough so I can only image what you are going through. Your parents are clearly not good people from the way they treat you and they have absolutely no right to be creating insecurities in you and labelling them as some form of constructive criticism. They should be constantly encouraging you and support you in your real passions. Although you probably know this more than anyone. You are 17, close to leaving home if that is what you want, so id advice to keep your head down, know your true self and don't like your parents degrade that cus u seem like a great person, and work hard towards to whatever goal you want to achieve. I truly wish you the best :smile: