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Am I just plain odd?

Hello all,

How to start...hmmm, this is going to be a little long, but please bare with me and I hope I don't bore you too much.

I'm so unfulfilled and unsure of myself...advice please!

Relationship:
I'm coming on 26, I married at 21 to my bf from since I was 17. I have two children aged 7 and 3. I accidentally fell pregnant with our first child (the contraception I was using didn't work for me) but decided I should 'stand by my convictions' so as to say and marriage just seemed like the next logical step.
I've recently completed a course after returning to education after my maternity leave with my youngest.
I keep feeling very unfulfilled in my life. It's a horrible feeling almost like an itch I can't get rid of.
My husband is very different from me, we have no common interests (except our kids, house, bills etc...)
I'm very comfortable around my hubby, but it's almost like living with a brother, it all seems so dull and mundane. We have our ups and downs, like all couples, but something just seems to be missing.
We've had many chats and talks over the past couple of yrs and have both tried and it just seems as if we're plodding along. I can't help but feel I should be grateful to be in a 'stable' relationship and should work harder at our marriage and think we could easily drift along together and end up being together in old age. That scares me, to think I will still be with him when I'm old.
Career:
I'm going to be topping up to a BSc hons in Zoology in Sept for either yr f/t or 2 p/t. I'm passionate about the topic and is a lifelong interest of mine, I know it's a broad subject, but it all fascinates me. But I haven't a clue what I want to do after I finish, this is a concern as I don't want all my efforts to be in vain, as due to my children I am limited to jobs only in the South. My husband has supported me through my last course and is supportive, well indifferent actually but doesn't mind me continuing, which makes me feel selfish for thinking of leaving as he hasn't held me back at all.
Me:
I wonder if this feeling is just me, I feel I'm different to all those that I meet and know. I have periods where I ponder the reasons behind life, the meaning for my life, the imprint I will leave behind once I'm gone, the living world - from the tiniest of creatures to the largest, the universe and how insignificant we all are...I seem to have a couple of days like this from time to time and in the end have to try to snap myself out of the whole thing and not to think so much as it just takes over my thoughts and I come across a little distance to my family (they mostly presume I haven't had enough sleep) I'm also always looking things up, by 'things' it could be anything, I could notice an insect I haven't seen before while walking the dog for example and would have to come home identify it and read all about it's life, habits, behaviour... I overheard a friend talking to someone they knew about someone completely unknown to be that had a certain mental condition, when I got home I spent hours reading up all about this condition and many other related conditions...this is a daily habit of mine, I'm unable to do anything without having to research something or another....when I've spoken to people about this, I always get a reaction which implies I'm odd, however polite they may be trying to be, the initial (sometimes only facial) reaction is that it's weird. Is there anyone else like me or am I just plain odd? I have no friends, no because I'm a complete ass or anything, I make new friends easily, I think I'm easy to get along with, but I quickly become bored of them, which sounds awful, I know, but I find it hard to find people who have the same interests as me or can understand my restraints due to children, i.e.: can't go out clubbing as much, although I do enjoy the odd night out in a club, I'm far more enjoy lunch, meal, cinema, walk etc... everyone I meet seems to only want to go out drinking.
So I wonder if my relationship problems all boil down to me - I should just stay with my husband as I'll probably never find a relationship or person to match what I would like, which is to be in a relationship with someone who is very intelligent and whom I could debate and discuss everything with, read books together etc. My hubby is very much a football, computer games, work, sleep, eat kind of guy.

*Sigh*
I'm so unsure of what to do, to stay or go in my marriage which is my main concern.

Any advice is most appreciated.

yes.

I think your kind of looking for help in the wrong place.. seeing as your going to get people like the above! If I were you i'd explain fully how you feel to your husband, explain basically everything you have said in your above thread, he may even feel the same?! Or your friends & family who know you might be able to give you better advice.

I don't the your odd at all, all sounds pretty normal to me.. i'm going through the same kind of thing with my boyfriend but in a lot lower level..

I wouldn't work yourself up about it, just talk to him.. thats what i'd do! You'll probs feel alot better afterwards.

:-) Sorry if this doesn't help.

xXx

Reply 3

username227084

12

What do you think "normal" is?

Reply 4

Flowergirlx

mazza558

What do you think "normal" is?

Was this at me?

Reply 5

Bubblebee

15

I know what you mean about the looking things up, it's not strange you just take an interest in the wider world.

You're very lucky to be in a relationsip like yours, and I wouldn't make any rash decisions about your husband. Perhaps you just need to start spending more time together as a couple rather than your only interaction being with the children or talking about daily life. Could you perhaps get a relative to look after them whilst you spend a weekend together doing something different?

As for you leaving a mark on the world... all we can do in this life is try and better ourselves and you're doing that through gaining knowledge. Even if it doesn't seem like much just think of how much more you know than say, Margaret down the street. You could try writing a book about something that interests you. Even if it's only for your eyes you will still get that feeling of acomplishment. :smile:

Reply 6

pinkladybird

OP

Thanks for the replies;

I have spoken to my husband and he just doesn't understand, he often asks what can he do, but there isn't anything, he can't change who he is, and he's isn't interested in anything that I am.
I've tried speaking to my mum, she always remarks that I could have done better and feels I ended up with my husband through low self esteem, however I could have done worse and now that I am married to my husband I should give it a lot of thought about leaving him, which isn't a huge help.

As for the normal remark, I see what you're getting at, but I've come to this idea that I'm just weird from the reactions I get when I talk about anything that interests me or if I a topic comes up and in conversation and I reply for example, I was reading an article/ report on a related or the same topic or I may comment, 'I'll look that up when I get home' and people are just shocked, tease me about being a little odd or just look puzzled at me, it's hard to explain, when talking about TV programmes we like with work mates, I mentioned IQ and I got a remark, that because I probably know all the answers. I've had many comments about me 'knowing weird stuff', but it is all mostly within the zoology field.

Maybe I'll meet more like minded people at uni and that'll be enough and it won't matter that I can't have an interesting conversation with my husband... or maybe there isn't anyone else who is similar to myself, who contemplates and thinks too much and I wouldn't be any happier in any other relationship?

Reply 7

username227084

12

It's either "be yourself" or "be who you want to be". Neither are correct unless you want them to be.

That was a bit ambiguous, wasn't it?

Reply 8

pinkladybird

OP

Bubblebee

I know what you mean about the looking things up, it's not strange you just take an interest in the wider world.

You're very lucky to be in a relationsip like yours, and I wouldn't make any rash decisions about your husband. Perhaps you just need to start spending more time together as a couple rather than your only interaction being with the children or talking about daily life. Could you perhaps get a relative to look after them whilst you spend a weekend together doing something different?

As for you leaving a mark on the world... all we can do in this life is try and better ourselves and you're doing that through gaining knowledge. Even if it doesn't seem like much just think of how much more you know than say, Margaret down the street. You could try writing a book about something that interests you. Even if it's only for your eyes you will still get that feeling of acomplishment. :smile:

Thank you for the advise, thinking about your advise, I have a dissertation I would like to re-write as I was constricted on time when I completed that, so that would be something to throw myself into and I know I would feel the achievement you are talking about on completion, thank you that is great advice!
With the spending more time together, we have and still do try this, it did work for a little while, but in the end I become irritated by his ignorance and complete lack of interest in anything other than 'guy' films, sports, computer games and his work. I almost become irritated by his presence and he hasn't really done anything at all wrong except be himself.
I think it is just the age old problem of marring too young.

Reply 9

Hayley2653

I totally understant what you're getting at. Before I came to uni I was with a guy for 3 1/2 years and after a while it just seemed like he was a comfort to me. I loved him and everything but like you say I couldn't have a decent conversation - he didn't have much money and neither did I - so we didn't go out much and it made me feel like a loser. When we did go out for a meal etc it turned out we hardly spoke because we had nothing to talk about. The tricky thing is - is it what happens with everyone when they've been together for ages or are you with the wrong person.Also my parents married young and divorced when I was 13- they had nothing in common either and it makes me very finicky about finding the right person before settling down etc. I know my situation was on a much smaller scale to yours and the impact leaving your husb and would have on your life would be a lot greater. I don't think you should stay with him just because you're worried you won't find another stable relationship. Though I also agree with bubblebee that you shouldn't make any rash decisions. Do you love him? Does he make you happy? If you met someone that did have lots in common with you and was interested what would your reaction be? It's a very sad situation - you don't want to feel like this but you can't help it. However only you can make the decision. I broke up with my boyfriend - but I got back with him several times before sticking it out- it took finding someone else to realise how wrong he was for me. It's all very confusing and emotional and difficult.
I also know what you mean about having to snap out of thinking out the "big questions". You just have to stop thinking about it - although I know it adds to the feeling of insignificance- however much you think about it there are no real answers. I get like that about death and the universe - it makes your head numb thinking about it all.
You brilliant for doing your course - keep at it, you sound really into it and thats great!
xxx

Reply 10

Theliongirl

11

Do you love him? You've been together for 5 years (married) how else do you picture your life? My grandmother married her husband at the age of 18 and they knew each other since they were 16. unfortunately, my grandfather died when they were married for about 15 years or so...so basically my grandmother was around 30 when he died...up until day she's not been in a single relationship only because she loved him. she's around 60-70 and she says that after my grandfather died her world just became a blur and he was the only person she ever loved. That might have been an irrelevant story... but why did you marry him then? you surely must have loved him or else you wouldn't have said yes on your wedding day :s-smilie:

Good luck...
whatever your decision, make sure you think about your children too...how would you think they would feel about it if you divorced?

Reply 11

instaunt

8

No ... getting married young based on an "accident" resulting in pregnancy and being stuck in a mundane marriage wishing you were somewhere and someone else instead of raising kids is quite normal in Britain.

There are thousands and thousands of girls like you.

Reply 12

Peace'n'loveman

6

Hayley2653

I totally understant what you're getting at. Before I came to uni I was with a guy for 3 1/2 years and after a while it just seemed like he was a comfort to me. I loved him and everything but like you say I couldn't have a decent conversation - he didn't have much money and neither did I - so we didn't go out much and it made me feel like a loser. When we did go out for a meal etc it turned out we hardly spoke because we had nothing to talk about. The tricky thing is - is it what happens with everyone when they've been together for ages or are you with the wrong person.Also my parents married young and divorced when I was 13- they had nothing in common either and it makes me very finicky about finding the right person before settling down etc. I know my situation was on a much smaller scale to yours and the impact leaving your husb and would have on your life would be a lot greater. I don't think you should stay with him just because you're worried you won't find another stable relationship. Though I also agree with bubblebee that you shouldn't make any rash decisions. Do you love him? Does he make you happy? If you met someone that did have lots in common with you and was interested what would your reaction be? It's a very sad situation - you don't want to feel like this but you can't help it. However only you can make the decision. I broke up with my boyfriend - but I got back with him several times before sticking it out- it took finding someone else to realise how wrong he was for me. It's all very confusing and emotional and difficult.
I also know what you mean about having to snap out of thinking out the "big questions". You just have to stop thinking about it - although I know it adds to the feeling of insignificance- however much you think about it there are no real answers. I get like that about death and the universe - it makes your head numb thinking about it all.
You brilliant for doing your course - keep at it, you sound really into it and thats great!
xxx

it is a common western mistake to say that there are no answers to the fundamental questions of life. Although i am essentially christian , all fundamental questions are answered in the very deep and complex scriptures and philosophies of buddhism ,and hinduism,particularly a school of thought called advaita vedanta. In a way ,how you feel about your boyfriend relates to something that lies at the heart of this philosophy. Basically it is that as long as you invest your sense of self,your sense of satisfaction ,in something/someone in what appears to be an external world then you will always feel disatisfied ,at least after the honeymoon period dies away. The purpose of life in the world is TO ask 'what is the purpose of life'. Asking this question sincerely and constantly will lead you to the TRUTH.

Reply 13

elephantjuiceyjuice

instaunt

No ... getting married young based on an "accident" resulting in pregnancy and being stuck in a mundane marriage wishing you were somewhere and someone else instead of raising kids is quite normal in Britain.

There are thousands and thousands of girls like you.

on the contrary, she seems pretty unique to me.

yes there are thousands of people in similar situations, but your apparent attempt to make her feel insignificant and like any other girl was a bit :snow:

really and unhelpful

op, forget wondering whether you're odd or not. it's all relative anyway, there's no definitive answer. just be yourself (or as someone said, who you want to be... hmm..) and that's all you can do! no point worrying how you fit in socially. i personally love meeting different people at uni, so refreshing from all the clones

i hope that whatever you do decide to do, you'll never regret it.

i'd just like to add though that you DO have two children (something i'm sure you've probably thought over and over) and since they're your responsibility, it's probs a good idea to think about what it'd do to them if your marriage did break up..

having said that, my mum divorced my dad after WAY too many years of being with him (better later than never though) and always worried how it would affect us but we all understand and don't blame her for a second so, yeah

good luck :smile:

Reply 14

chinaberry

14

I don't think you're odd on the research thing- it just means you're interested and intelligent and curious.

Am I just plain odd?

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