How can I improve my descriptive writing?

Hi, I am currently a year 9 pupil and I will be starting my all my GCSE's next year. My English teacher has given us a GCSE question to answer because she wants to see our current grades. I was wondering if you could read my piece of writing and tell me what went well and how I can improve. I would also appreciate it if you could tell me if there are any A/A* standard parts in there and hopefully a GCSE grade. The question was:

"Describe a journey you have made by a plane, train, bus or car."

I wandered into the vivid boarding lounge; by which I was fascinated. The multi-coloured chairs mesmerized my eyes. The spectacular glass view was so remarkable, that it shook me into a state of giddy exuberance. My eyes fixed with a hypnotic trance. I gazed enthusiastically at the majestic planes that took off into the distance.

“Would Passengers flying on the ZB279 Airline -- Please make their way to the
gate. Your plane is ready to board.”

Adrenaline rushed through my body. I ran as quickly as I could, to get to gate 37; so that I could be first on the plane. “Hello, Could I please see your boarding pass?” The lady asked civilly, as she stood there with a smile growing itself onto her jovial face. She checked my boarding pass and showed me the way to freedom.

I boarded the plane eagerly and looked around for my seat. There was my seat! I quickly put my baggage into the cabin and sat down next to the window. A small child, aged around four, came and sat next to me. His mother, set with the grueling responsibilities of motherhood, screeched and screamed at the innocent child before he eventually agreed to fasten his seatbelt. He wiped his mucus off of his pale face with his brand new jumper whilst cold tears watered themselves out of his eyes. The plane rumbled its lugubrious engines and prepared for the runway – as the cabin crew were trying to show uninterested travellers the emergency exits. I gazed eagerly out of the window. However, my happiness was about to end. The little boy who was sat next to me began to scream! “MUM! MY EARS HURT!” His screaming was so infuriating. However, at least I had my iPod.

The plane was decorated in an Olympic inspired style. The chairs! Oh, the chairs! They were so comfortable and I was not even in first class. The members of staff were so benevolent and obliging and they even gave me a free bar of chocolate. During the flight, I enjoyed a few hours of blissful oblivion, gazed at the fascinating view - which my eyes explored whilst I looked out the window and I even watched a film. Though when the plane came into landing, the same experience from the take off came back to tyrannize me.

The plane had finally landed! I then set off to find my new home, for the next seven days! Even though, I could not wait for the journey back.

Reply 1

JessaminePoppy

Hm.

Use more precise adjectives: describing a boarding lounge as vivid is poetic but doesn't evoke a clear mental image.

When you're describing things, the question you are answering is :What did/does/will it look like?

In the first paragraph the description of the effect the things you're seeing have on you is good, but it makes the reader want to know more about what it is you're looking at. The "glass view " is spectacular and remarkable: those two adjectives make for something of an overkill and they are vague in the same way "vivid" is vague. Obviously you're looking at pretty stuff, but what are the characteristics of these things? "Multi-coloured" is better, but I would have liked a bit more detail. Then again, this is just a personal opinion, y'know.

Also, airports often have pretty interesting ceilings and floors: they're made out of materials that have to cover enormous surfaces. The floors often have all manner of random objects: bits of important looking paper, gloves, a baby shoe.. etc..

There's a lot of action in your description; you could experiment with imagining the boarding of a plane in only images or photos, then try writing down every detail that you get from those pictures.

All in all, it's pretty good, even if for my taste there's a bit too much action and first person emotion to be able to qualify it as a purely descriptive text. Honestly, too much detail kills creative writing anyway (cf: Madame Bovary by Flaubert or certain sections of Albert Camus' L'étranger) so keeping the energy that you've got in this text isn't going to lose you any points (in my opinion).

Good luck!

Reply 2

crashMATHS

Thanks. Do you know what grade this piece could be worth?