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Ramblings on Edinburgh, rain & art.

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I only get 8 weeks in a term :frown:

, so the joke is, I'm the last to leave home, in October, and the first to come back, on the 1st of December! Even then, I don't go back until the 10th of January...at least it's stopping me feeling nervous, I'm barely moving out!

The contact with your tutor sounds very promising! Looks like good progress already :h:

8?!

I thought my thirteen week term was odd :tongue:

Well, it is fifteen weeks really but my semester one timetable goes up to week thirteen, so I guess I only have to be doing stuff until the middle of December :cool:

Aha we come back round about the 10th as well :smile:

I have a locker :biggrin:

I was the first person there, thinking I'd get there before everyone else and the nice janitor people would let me get a locker. Ohhh no. It's from 9am only, so the janitor appeared at precisely 9. -_- I waited for fifteen minutes with some crazy woman :tongue:

They're nice wide lockers though, and mine is the the very start of the block, it's near the photography bit as well, handy :biggrin:

This afternoon I'm gonna take some stuff in (photographic paper, liquid emulsion...my lab coat - yes I have a photography coat :biggrin:

). I tried to go look in the library but it confused me :frown:

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 61

Starsong

I love my lab coat, so I'd thought I'd share :biggrin:

Reply 62

Starsong

My locker now has stuff in it :biggrin:

There's still a lot of space left too, which is good. I went to look for the studio I'll be in tomorrow. I have the right building, and the right floor. But it just doesn't exist! I'm in P13, I found P1-6 and then P16 & 17...but nothing in between. Looks I'll be getting there early to try and find it again...ugh. I'm sure I was just walking around in circles.

Oh I met a postgrad photography student! His locker is under mine. He seemed pretty cheerful.

I'm starting to freak out a bit about tomorrow (having been so desperate to do something...). There's an ECA freshers group on Facebook, and the first year design students had a lecture today and they have homework (for lack of a better word) which involves a presentation. I'm really...worried that I'll have to do a presentation before I'm ready. Which might be never. :/ I've never actually spoken to a class full of people (okay classes are tiny here, but still). Even just thinking about it makes me anxious, I had a panic attack just preparing for one! Which at least meant by teacher didn't make me do it... But it's something I'll have to do, I guess. And the same for crits. When I did A level Photography my tutors were very happy for me to just carry on doing stuff and I was given so much freedom (I had so many dangerous chemicals it's unreal!). Anyway, they were fine with me not attending the group crits we sometimes had, and I'd have individual crits with them (sometimes one of them, sometimes even three of them :tongue:

). Which was fine with - because I trusted them, and I knew they weren't going to say anything that would kinda set me off. Obviously I don't know any of the people that could be in my crits, let alone trust them. And I'm hardly the most forthcoming, trusting person ever.

I don't wanna make this all depressing again, but I don't know. It seems important to kind of...explain. And to point out that freshers/moving away/making friends really won't be so bad for most people! :tongue:

I grew up pretty quickly, I was a very serious kid and I was heading towards mature when I was nine or so. I've never really got on with people my own age, I'm fine with people who're older than me (partly because I'm an only child - I've always been with people older than me) - I like things people my own age don't! I'm thinking Radio 4 here... :colondollar:

And I do come with crap - I've had an obvious anxiety disorder for two years, but it's something that's gotten worse over the years. I was depressed aged thirteen. I've self harmed, I've attempted suicide. I don't trust people, I can't cope with physical intimacy or emotional attachment. The root cause? I was sexually abused for years. It probably seems like I dwell on the past, maybe I do...I don't know. But I'm constantly aware of all of those things. I'm dissociative a lot of the time just to avoid it all, it's become something I can do at will pretty much. The only people I've been able to trust were some of my old art tutors, and it's just...so hard having not seen them since June. If anything they were like friends to me, and like I keep going on and on about I've never really had that. I mean, I had a boyfriend (obviously pre-'oh looks like I'm gay') for two and half years (until last December) and I didn't trust him.

I don't say all of this out of some messed up need for attention or sympathy or pity...it's just, part of who I am (and if I don't say it here I might say it somewhere really inappropriate). I've had therapy/counselling for the last two years and it really didn't help me. I just miss having people that know me, that know what makes me tick and what to avoid so I'm safe. Maybe I will make friends - maybe there'll be people I can trust...I don't know. I'm not precisely homesick - because I don't miss home, I just miss a few people.

That was incredibly depressing, huh? At least maybe it's clear why I've moved so God damn far away from home...you would two if the guy that abused you lived down the road from you I guess. Just to cheer you all up - I've been self harm free since 1st January 2012 :biggrin:

Reply 63

Starsong

Ooh my maintenance loan went into my account :biggrin:

And I managed to get my amazon discount back...so I've been buying pretty underwear :colondollar:

Reply 64

ch0llima

Good to see you're settling in so well :yes:

I got a bit nostalgic this morning, somehow ended up reminding myself of how well Edinburgh does Christmas and the festive season. Can't wait to go home from work in December-ish and experience it again with my family and old friends, even for a short while.

Reply 65

Starsong

Original post by ch0llima

Good to see you're settling in so well :yes:

I'm not a huge Christmas person, so that could be interesting :tongue:

Reply 66

Starsong

I just realised I haven't had any whisky since being here. BLASPHEMY. I'm actually a pretty big whisky drinker, I haven't even bought any! Maybe that can be my mission for this week :cool:

There's enough places to buy it here after all :tongue:

in fact the only alcohol I've had is beer...five of the six pack of Becks my parents randomly bought me and a Japanese beer. Hm. That'll have to be rectified.

The vegetarian society are having a 'thing' on Wednesday, I have to go get my society card thingy. That's 5:30 ish I think, and then Harry Potter society have one at 7. Both in Teviot. So Wednesday...I'm gonna be brave, and go out at NIGHT. Hopefully it'll be less stressful with less freshers everywhere :L although technically I should be annoyed at myself seeing as i'm a fresher... O.o

Reply 67

Starsong

It's lucky my word puke ended up here. Stephen emailed asking about anxiety & visual impairment. So I indulged him with a huge email. He was nice about it though - gave me his number in case I got really lost trying to find my studio. I cut out the getting lost and just asked him :tongue:

so I've now net him. T'eas mostly loitering outside whilst he smoked. We're having a meeting in a bit about anxiety & such.

As for project things...it was scary. But my group of five other people is nice. And even if I was quiet I did contribute. We've split to do drawings and research, so I'll be back in for a group meeting tomorrow at 10:30. :smile:

I'll explain what we're doing when I'm not on my phone! :biggrin:

Reply 68

Starsong

You guys are entirely lovely, 2,600 views! :eek:

That's almost as many as my blog has had in nine months... :tongue:

But seriously, I love that you're all reading :smile:

Anyway!

First day was actually pretty damn good. Given that I've had so many crap days recently, anything is good :tongue:

Sure, maybe it could have been better. I could have spoken more and stuff - but I went, and I bloody well did it :biggrin:

I'm stupidly proud of myself right now. I was freaking out this morning (like, couldn't swallow my tasty cereal because I was so anxious) but it was good. I didn't get lost. I didn't humiliate myself. I texted Stephen at 9ish to ask him to show me the way, so he came and found me outside the main building 'cos he was showing another first year to where she had to be...although I did get kinda...smokey seeing as they were both smoking right next to me. I've never smoked anything, and I'm not sure I'd particularly want to either. I mean, it's very art school - cigarettes and coffee, that kinda thing. But...not especially pleasant. So he took her to where she was meant to be and came back to collect me. I wasn't especially talkative - but that's okay, because he knew that. :smile:

He called me lively though, in the way I am on my blog & in email (by blog I don't mean this one - but my real art blog thingy). He also said I was very confident in writing, which was nice. He asked if I was nervous, so I made a 'are you really that thick' eyebrow raising face at him. :tongue:

My group was coming out of the studio when we got there, because we were all going to a different studio to have a bigger meeting & explanation of what the hell we're doing. Although I still haven't actually seen the brief, because the portal hates everyone. The guy who's our group tutor for these two weeks was doing some of the talking, he's a painting guy (John Brown - which is the name of a cat I know). He was sweet, and reminded me of one of my old tutors (simply because he was an old guy in jeans and a wooly/fleecy jumper talking about how he grew up in the '70s). There was a slideshow I couldn't see, but I got the gist. I managed to follow my group back to where I'm meant to be, and Stephen walked kinda near me and made sure I knew I was going into the right room :biggrin:

We split into groups of six to do the project (voyage: we have to make something to travel in). Although I didn't realise the groups were pre-done, so I sat at the wrong table for a while :colondollar:

When I eventually found my group they were a pretty nice bunch :biggrin:

There's three of us from the art school and three from design, all different courses. There's one guy doing painting who was pretty funny, a girl on the MAFA course, a girl on illustration, another on interior design and another on performance costume. Our ideas were a bit...ehm, wacky? :tongue:

We're making a flying machine sort of thing, with fold out wings and skis xD We do actually have to make it as well... That finished about 11, so we all split up to do drawings of the thing and some research into parts (I'm doing that now, I'm waiting for some paint to dry before I can turn the page). I went up to the cafe thing we have in the building (no idea how I found it :tongue:

), and started my sketchbook whilst waiting for Stephen. Although I'd somehow managed to pick a table really near where he was for some reason, I didn't even notice. So he came to say hi.

He came back just after 12:30 and took me to his office and we did slightly awkward 'I know you can't see & that you're really anxious right now' sort of conversation - except I wrote my answers otherwise I wouldn't be especially coherent! He said I can text him if I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack or just...generally if I need someone to talk to. He started off going all worried that I wasn't making friends, I wrote 'I'm not a people person!' (true), which made him laugh. I gave him a book to borrow that I'd mentioned in an email and we just talked about...stuff. He kinda jokingly told me off for being up so late (emailing went on until after 11 yesterday :colondollar:

), but I don't sleep so y'know. He also said if I ever need anywhere quiet to work or come if i'm not feeling very good there's a load of empty offices next to his, so I can use any of those. The doors even lock! :smile:

Which was just...very sweet. He didn't have to do that. He said he'd find somewhere in the main building for me as well. And then we got onto books and I actually talked and that was much nicer. I was kind of 'me' during that - a lot of the time I kinda project a different version of me. I have something for every occasion, but talking about things I love brings out the real me who gets ridiculously excited over that sort of thing! Which he noticed, and prolonged talking about books in the middle of the corridor :smile:

He told me to keep in touch as well, which was sweet.

I think having someone I can go to if it all goes tits up and just someone who is actually quite similar to me helps a lot. I kinda...know he won't be an ******* about anything. And he will genuinely do what he can for me. And I like that. It's definitely made today easier :biggrin:

Phew, that was long. I think my paint is probably dry now :tongue:

Reply 69

Starsong

Stephen just emailed me the reading list, he mentioned a book earlier that wasn't on the one I'd got off MyEd which he was convinced was on the list. I think it is slightly different, so good to know :tongue:

Reply 70

ch0llima

This thread is somehow epic.

Reply 71

Starsong

Original post by ch0llima

This thread is somehow epic.

Paha, I'm flattered. :^_^:

ehm. There's been 112 views since I pointed out there was 2600. THAT'S TODAY. I'm not all drunk, but I love you guys.

Reply 72

Starsong

It's beautifully sunny - again. No doubt it's freezing out there...yesterday I made the mistake of it's sunny, I get boiling walking in, I'll only wear a coat and not a cardigan as well. I forgot studios are cold. :frown:

I'm not sure you really wanted to know about the weather, but i'm just in one of those blogging moods and my art blog is all up to date. So feel free to skip this, or anything that I post really... :tongue:

So, irrelevant things you don't care about. My nice underwear came yesterday, it's beautiful. :love:

Typical girl...ehem. I still haven't had breakfast and I'm not sure if I can actually eat anything. I will go make some coffee though.

Emailing avec Stephen carried on past 11 again last night. I highly doubt most tutors would email students for several hours three nights in a row, as well as make sure they get to the right places and give them their mobile numbers. But well... I'm not complaining. I have someone I can go to if it all goes tits up, he keeps emphasising I can contact him whenever, even if it's not about panic-y things. Even better I have interacted with a NEW person for a sustained amount of time - aren't you proud?! :tongue:

I think he just cares about what happens to the first years, and having met him he seems totally harmless (I had a moment of extreme paranoia, convinced he was grooming me or something :rolleyes:

). He's so scarily like me though! He said he should go do work, so obviously I asked what he does seeing as the ECA research profile is pretty brief and not that useful. So he replied with all this amazing sounding stuff that's he done & doing and ended with 'I prefer making it to talking about it' which is really typical me. There was quite a lot of...persuading during my A2 year, trying to get me to actually show my work and not just keep it all hidden in my sketchbooks, and I've always been hopeless at talking about it. Having some things in common, even if it's just we get nervous and don't like talking about our work, makes him a lot 'safer', a lot less scary. Because ALL people are scary to me, it's just for quite a few I get over that. Men are scarier if they're taller than me, but I'm taller than Stephen so, whether it's accurate or not, he's safe :tongue:

He's offered to be my personal tutor, seeing as he kinda knows some about me and what I might need doing on my behalf. So instead of having to go to some other scary guy and explain everything again, I'd just have Stephen. Which ould make the 'contact me whenever' a bit more...official. He gave me the email for head of tutors guy, so I did that last night. It's just so useful having one person that I go to, instead of trying to decide if I go to my PT - even if I'm uncomfortable - because that's who I have to go to, or someone I'm okay with.

I'm sure you're tired of that, but I don't have much else to say...I need to be in the right studio at 10:30. So I'll probably get there for a bit before 10 so I can do some work & find my way back...if that's even possible!

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 73

liamb109

I like your writing style. Edinburgh is clearly the UK's best city. :tongue:

Reply 74

Starsong

Original post by liamb109

I like your writing style. Edinburgh is clearly the UK's best city. :tongue:

Hello!

Awh, thank you :smile:

It blatantly is :tongue:

Reply 75

Starsong

Good lord I just found the right studio. FIRST TIME. So proud of myself :tongue:

Reply 76

Niki_girl

Original post by twinlensreflex

Good lord I just found the right studio. FIRST TIME. So proud of myself :tongue:

progress indeed!

Reply 77

Starsong

Original post by Niki_girl

progress indeed!

In that respect yes. :tongue:

Ehm. I was meant to be going out to some society thing this evening. I walked all the way there thinking I was going to throw up/panic attack. I stood outside the right building.

And I came home again. Which sucks, but if I'd gone inside chances are I wouldn't be able to say anything. But I went out at a time when I was uncomfortable, and I was fairly close to doing something WAY beyond my comfort zone. I'm not sure I'd have been able to ring for a taxi to take me home either, and I wouldn't be able to walk back any later than now really, seeing as it's getting fairly dark.

So that kind of sucks, and I ****ed up a chance to meet people. But that was a serious amount of uncomfortableness/anxiety :L If it was just a bit, then okay I'd deal with it and go and see how it was. But that was total, all consuming OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO DIE sort of panic. :colondollar:

But I'm safely home without crying/panic attack. Which is better than can be said for the other time :cool:

Reply 78

Starsong

At this point I'd love to get well and truly pissed. But there is only one beer left in my fridge :frown:

And I'm not sure I can make it to Tesco and back >.< It's probably a good thing I don't have too much alcohol in my flat, I have a fairly...addictive personality. Like, I'm really easily addicted to something. And if there's constant access to that something then I will have it whenever. So at least I'm not constantly drunk due to lack of self control. :tongue:

Reply 79

Niki_girl

Original post by twinlensreflex

I think the main thing is that you tried, and you pushed yourself to your physical limit, then, deciding that it would be harmful to yourself to continue, you stopped. This is actually a very sensible decision. Yes, you've delayed in maye meeting some people, but people exist everywhere, anytime, any place, and would you have rather felt comfortable with yourself and your own decision, or made yourself upset in front of a room of strangers, if you didn't feel ready to deal with that?

I think it's important to keep testing your limits, and attempting to enter unfamiliar situations as you did, but in my opinion you did the right thing if you prevented yourself from getting upset and ruining your evening. There will be other opportunities to meet people, and by the sound of it, you are getting closer to overcoming different obstacles every day :smile:

These things take time, and you have plently of time to adjust at whatever pace you want!