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boyfriend's family

I've been with my boyfriend around 6 months and it's become apparent that he is from one of those families that pretty much live in each others pockets. All of a sudden I'm being invited to family meals, holidays, walks, picnics... you name it. Even when I just stay over at his we all have to sit down together and eat breakfast the next morning. Don't get me wrong, they're lovely enough people but I just find it all a bit much - especially seeing as I come from a family that's the complete opposite (I think the last time we had a family meal was at christmas). He has 2 older brothers who both have long-term girlfriends and so it seems now I have to follow in their footsteps and become part of the family like they have.

What doesn't help is I find them all a bit intimidating; both his brothers are oxbridge graduates and so are their girlfriends, his parents are both doctors and are from a very middle class background....I feel I just don't really have anything to add in conversation and that they think I'm some sort of lowly peasant (I'm sure this isn't true, but I can't help but think it). I've just been invited on a family holiday to their villa in the south of france, and I really don't want to go. I don't know how to tell my boyfriend I am going out with him..not his entire family.

Reply 1

ThunderKy

Well just think about how kate and Price William meet up story :smile:

Reply 2

Zarek

Nothing like a bit of intellectual conversation over dinner..

Reply 3

Octohedral

Firstly, as an Oxbridge student I can quite honestly tell you that most people here spend all their time trying to sound cleverer than they are, because they think everyone else is cleverer than them. I am sure his brothers don't remotely look down on you, or expect you to make up answers to a conversation you're not interested in. I know it's easier said than done, but just try to be natural and talk about what you are interested in. Or ask questions about things. If they all did different subjects they probably don't overlap much in intellectuality anyway.

With your boyfriend, I think you should just be honest. It's not easy, but otherwise he will sense you don't feel comfortable around his family and he might think you just don't like them. Nervousness is easily mistaken for aloofness, unfortunately. This does need to be sorted out if you envisage a future together.

Perhaps you could go to the villa, but organise a few day trips with just your boyfriend? Or go travelling with him and just drop in for a few days? I'd imagine he does want to be around his family, and he obviously wants to show you off to them, so try to come to some kind of compromise :smile:

Reply 4

LinzyLoo

God, I would really struggle with that. I feel for you. If I was you I'd tell your boyfriend how you feel (if you haven't already), tell him how much it bothers you and that it makes you feel uncomfortable. He should understand and be happy to compromise.

Reply 5

theorangebox

If I were you I would try your best to become accustomed to their way of life to be honest. I'm pretty much the exact same as you. I come from a very working-class (and mostly divided) family, whereas my boyfriend's household is a quite well-off 'unit' setup. At first, spending time at his made me feel very self-conscious and uncomfortable. Like you, I'm used to taking meals by myself and generally being very independent, so this community set-up was very strange. But instead of fighting it, try and see the benefits. You'll grow closer to his family, and as you say, they're nice people and just trying to be inclusive and friendly. As time goes on, this awkward conversation thing you're experiencing will fade away too, as you'll learn more about everyone's lives and find more and more common ground to talk about. (As an example, if you go to this villa with them, the trip will be something you can talk to them about in future!)

I mean, if you really don't want to go there, say to your boyfriend and he'll probably understand. But he's got this family for life, and, if you're serious about this relationship, I really think its worth making the effort to be part of it. Think about him: you and his family are probably the most important people in his life. I'm sure he'd rather have you all together than have to try and juggle to keep you apart. Even though I don't really enjoy my boyfriend's family's way of life per say...I'd still say its definitely worth it just because it makes life easier on him, and hell, they're nice people.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 6

CatPurchase

How long have you two been going out?
Let him know you still are happy being with him but suggest he come over to yours or spend some time on your own instead of his place. Not too often though, you wouldn't want his family thinking you're taking him away from them seeing as their so close!
I suggest you tell him you want to take it slow and thank them for the holiday offer but you feel it's too big a jump :smile: