My boyfriend may have a crush on my close friend?
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Original post by seeking_prudence
Probably a sensible thing to do.... 
Even if you weren't feeling insecure it would be normal to pay an interest in your boyfriends life especially if the person he was making friends with would be a mutual friend (which if they made friends she would be due to already being your friend) so just approach the conversation as if with friendly interest. That way he will be more likely to answer and tell you what you want to know as he will have no reason to get defensive or feel mistrusted.
If things carry on with it making you feel a bit off. And things start to get suspicious between them I mean with checking it as in ask him 'show you the messages i never stated hack the account. So he can reassure you if he goes no you cant see it then id be suspicious there should be no problem if there's nothing to hide the same would apply to a phone. If and only if it gets to that point of making you feel something is going on. At the same time it could be all in your head. I don't see how that is invading your bf's privacy its your bloody mate she shouldn't be having private conversations with him the fact he told you and she failed to mention it being your mate is a bit weird if you ask me.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Stam
If things carry on with it making you feel a bit off. And things start to get suspicious between them I mean with checking it as in ask him 'show you the messages i never stated hack the account. So he can reassure you if he goes no you cant see it then id be suspicious there should be no problem if there's nothing to hide the same would apply to a phone. If and only if it gets to that point of making you feel something is going on. At the same time it could be all in your head. I don't see how that is invading your bf's privacy its your bloody mate she shouldn't be having private conversations with him the fact he told you and she failed to mention it being your mate is a bit weird if you ask me.
isn't that a bit 1984? Why on earth shouldn't she be talking to him. I can appreciate the op being surprised and perhaps wanting reassurance but its certainly not wrong of them to talk to each other. I know I wouldn't think to inform my friend if I had a conversation with her boyfriend..
Original post by boba
isn't that a bit 1984? Why on earth shouldn't she be talking to him. I can appreciate the op being surprised and perhaps wanting reassurance but its certainly not wrong of them to talk to each other. I know I wouldn't think to inform my friend if I had a conversation with her boyfriend..
No. Call me old fashioned the internet didn't exist back then people didn't have that option and even now if anybody meets someone's partner and barely knows them. I dont think that gives them the automatic right to start messaging them privately on facebook straight away what is the purpose? unless its for a specific reason. They are either nosey or have some agenda. I didn't say they couldn't talk thats a ridiculous statement. There's a difference between talking in person or other situations and talking privately without her knowledge until he informed her ( which made her feel uncomfortable as she had no knowledge of it ) as her friend who what... doesn't really know him met him a few times, has no reason to be having private conversations with him really. And on the same note if my so called friend like you said you would not inform. Started private messaging my bf for no real purpose when she barely knows him. So your saying you would do the same private message your mates bf who you barely know and keep talking to him thats just weird. I would question it. Sorry there's no reason for it. Yeah all for getting chummy everyone get along but not behind her back making her look like a prat and feel uncomfortable because she didnt have a clue. Thats the difference. If it hadn't have happened then she wouldn't be feeling insecure in the first place. And a real mate knowing a friends personality and what their like really wouldn't go out of their way to have private conversations behind her back to make her feel uncomfortable (because it has) they wouldn't do it. It's common sense and respect.
(edited 10 years ago)
[QUOTE="Stam;43339365"]No. Call me old fashioned the internet didn't exist back then people didn't have that option and even now if anybody meets someone's partner and barely knows them.1984 is a book by George Orwell in which the population is constantly monitored in everything they do and noone can complain because "it shouldn't be a problem if you have nothing to hide" I dont think that gives them the automatic right to start messaging them privately on facebook straight away what is the purpose? unless its for a specific reasoneverybody has the automatic right to speak to anyone. . They are either nosey or have some agenda perhaps that "agenda" is that they got on and therefore are developing a friendship... I didn't say they couldn't talk thats a ridiculous statement. There's a difference between talking in person or other situations and talking privately without her knowledge until he informed her ( which made her feel uncomfortable as she had no knowledge of it yes she was uncomfortable and therfore is going to ask him about it.. pretty normal response. nowhere did she suggest that talking to each other was wrong just that she wanted reassurance as to the intentions. Even she said it is ridiculous to read his messages) as her friend who what... doesn't really know him met him a few times, has no reason to be having private conversations with him really[. And on the same note if my so called friend like you said you would not inform. Started private messaging my bf for no real purpose when she barely knows himI said I wouldn't feel the need to inform them as a duty, I would probably mention part of the conversation casually as they are both people I know or if asked what I had been doing and it was talking to them I would say (as her boyfriend did) but I would never think "right I must make a point of letting x know I had a conversation with y . So your saying you would do the same private message your mates bf who you barely know and keep talking to him thats just weirdif we got on and I thought we might end up being friends. I would question it. Sorry there's no reason for itas I have said people don't need a reason to speak to each other. how do you make friends if you only speak to someone when you have a specific purpose. Yeah all for getting chummy everyone get along but not behind her back its not "behind her back" unless you think her boyfriend should make a big point of telling her everytime he speaks to someone this is no different. Infact the fact that its her friend he probably thought it was even less weird because he thought she would automatically trust both of themmaking her look like a prat and feel uncomfortable because she didnt have a clue. Thats the difference. If it hadn't have happened then she wouldn't be feeling insecure in the first placeno and if beautiful celebrities didn't exist people wouldn't feel insecure about their looksshould they live their life with a bag on their head to avoid anyone seeing?/B]. And a real mate knowing a friends personality and what their like really wouldn't go out of their way to have private conversations behind her back to make her feel uncomfortable noone has gone out of their way to do anything they had a conversation(because it has) they wouldn't do it. It's common sense and respect respect includes respecting peoples rights freedom and privacy which you seem to disregard
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thats utter bollox i'm not getting into a debate about face book with you and freedom of speech crap. It doesn't affect me one bit but no way would i ever have someone disrespect me or take the piss. I set the record straight within all relationships with people and boundaries. Whether its a stranger or a friend yes i may be taking it to the other end of the spectrum. Which her story isn't but all aspects have to be looked at. But i still don't fully agree with what you say thats your opinion.
quote 'everybody has the automatic right to speak to anyone' and message other peoples partners behind their back
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. Or a sexual predator seeking out a child. Or someone who has a harassment order or injunction against them. Or for hate crime or bullying the list goes on. They have no right and would have repercussions. And say for example he was up to no good you probably think she would have the right not to know as well as thats invading the privacy of the people being deceitful.
quote 'everybody has the automatic right to speak to anyone' and message other peoples partners behind their back
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. Or a sexual predator seeking out a child. Or someone who has a harassment order or injunction against them. Or for hate crime or bullying the list goes on. They have no right and would have repercussions. And say for example he was up to no good you probably think she would have the right not to know as well as thats invading the privacy of the people being deceitful.
(edited 10 years ago)
in fact don't reply because im not interested in what you have to say your just take what i say out of context make another reference to a book. Shove something else in about the media and celebrities which wasnt even part of the conversation. You can give your moral high grand bla to the person who asked the question. She wanted different peoples opinions and shes got them. end of
Original post by Stam
thats utter bollox i'm not getting into a debate about face book with you and freedom of speech crap. It doesn't affect me one bit but no way would i ever have someone disrespect me or take the piss. I set the record straight within all relationships with people and boundaries. Whether its a stranger or a friend yes i may be taking it to the other end of the spectrum. Which her story isn't but all aspects have to be looked at. But i still don't fully agree with what you say thats your opinion.
quote 'everybody has the automatic right to speak to anyone' and message other peoples partners behind their back
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. They have no right and would have repercussions. And say for example he was up to no good you probably think she would have the right not to know as well as thats invading the privacy of the people being deceitful.
quote 'everybody has the automatic right to speak to anyone' and message other peoples partners behind their back
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. They have no right and would have repercussions. And say for example he was up to no good you probably think she would have the right not to know as well as thats invading the privacy of the people being deceitful.
its not a quote if you ad the words "behind their partners back" to it but yes everyone does have the right to speak to anyone they want. People may make agreements with their partners that they wont speak to certain people for whatever reason but that is an agreement they have chosen to make.
"started instigating" "with an intention" does not imply the same thing as "talked to on facebook".
If he was up to know good she would have the right to react badly yes but that doesn't mean people should automatically be suspicious or demand the right to read their partners messages and perceive any reluctance to this invasion of privacy as evidence that they are up to something.
also I did give advise to the person who asked the question and she said it sounded like a good idea and said she thinks its what she will do...
Original post by seeking_prudence
So I have a problem.v 
I don't know whether I'm just overreacting or being stupid or both.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months (spent 2 years being very good friends before that). I'm very happy with our relationship and I love him. He's very caring, very patient, very intelligent, etc. We always have a good time together. And I think I can confidently say that I've had the best 8 months of my life.
But lately I've noticed that he seems to have a bit of thing for one of my friends let's call her Anne. She's in many ways like me, the same sense of humour, but she's more outgoing and chatty than me. They don't really know each other, they've met each other obviously, but they don't have anything in common apart from the fact that they know me.
He asks me a lot about her. And last night when I asked him "So what you've been up to?" He said "Oh well just been facebooking with Anne" which kind of made me think "Okay...what the hell...?!"
My boyfriend knows that she's one of my closest friends, I mention her a lot in our conversations and he always tells me how he wants to get to know my friends a little bit better. But the thing is, I don't even hang out with them that much! I've just finished school, should be going to uni next year (he's already at uni), so the friends I've got at the moment, they are my school friends I've never really hung out with them outside of school, and to be honest I don't really have time to do that. They are my mates, I repect them and I'm there for them if they need me, I just don't really want to/have time to hang out with them.
Anne is throwing a party tomorrow evening, and she's invited both of us. I won't be able to go due to family circumstances, so I kind of wasn't really expecting my boyfriend to go either, but he said "Yeah I might go, it looks like it's gonna be fun."
I'm sorry. I know that this all sounds rather pathetic, but I really don't feel comfortable with him hanging out with my mates without me. He doesn't know them at all for God's sake!! What has he got to do with them? And I don't particulalry feel comfortable with him constantly chatting to my friend Anne, because again, what have they got to do with each other? I don't know how much he talks to her, and I don't know what they talk about. And I'm really really worried that he might have some kind of crush on her. (She's very flirty, attractive and charming. Everyone falls in love with her. It's hard not to.)
This is ridiculous, I'm sorry. I think that I should talk to him about it, but I don't want to sound like one of those bitchy, whiny girls who try to control their partners, I don't want to do that. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I mean I'm not trying to be friends with any of his male mates am I? Why should he?
If I tell him that I'm not comfortable with it, it will make me no different to other girls who get their pants in a twist every time they don't like something. The reason why he likes me I think is because I'm not whiny and I don't interfere with his social life.
What do I do? Do I just ignore it, and pray for it to blow over, or do I do something? (e.g. talk to him or talk to her.)
Please help.
EDIT: Instead of just negging me, how about you actually give me some constructive critism/ helpful advice?
That would be greatly appreciated.
I don't know whether I'm just overreacting or being stupid or both.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months (spent 2 years being very good friends before that). I'm very happy with our relationship and I love him. He's very caring, very patient, very intelligent, etc. We always have a good time together. And I think I can confidently say that I've had the best 8 months of my life.
But lately I've noticed that he seems to have a bit of thing for one of my friends let's call her Anne. She's in many ways like me, the same sense of humour, but she's more outgoing and chatty than me. They don't really know each other, they've met each other obviously, but they don't have anything in common apart from the fact that they know me.
He asks me a lot about her. And last night when I asked him "So what you've been up to?" He said "Oh well just been facebooking with Anne" which kind of made me think "Okay...what the hell...?!"
My boyfriend knows that she's one of my closest friends, I mention her a lot in our conversations and he always tells me how he wants to get to know my friends a little bit better. But the thing is, I don't even hang out with them that much! I've just finished school, should be going to uni next year (he's already at uni), so the friends I've got at the moment, they are my school friends I've never really hung out with them outside of school, and to be honest I don't really have time to do that. They are my mates, I repect them and I'm there for them if they need me, I just don't really want to/have time to hang out with them.
Anne is throwing a party tomorrow evening, and she's invited both of us. I won't be able to go due to family circumstances, so I kind of wasn't really expecting my boyfriend to go either, but he said "Yeah I might go, it looks like it's gonna be fun."
I'm sorry. I know that this all sounds rather pathetic, but I really don't feel comfortable with him hanging out with my mates without me. He doesn't know them at all for God's sake!! What has he got to do with them? And I don't particulalry feel comfortable with him constantly chatting to my friend Anne, because again, what have they got to do with each other? I don't know how much he talks to her, and I don't know what they talk about. And I'm really really worried that he might have some kind of crush on her. (She's very flirty, attractive and charming. Everyone falls in love with her. It's hard not to.)
This is ridiculous, I'm sorry. I think that I should talk to him about it, but I don't want to sound like one of those bitchy, whiny girls who try to control their partners, I don't want to do that. I just don't feel comfortable with it. I mean I'm not trying to be friends with any of his male mates am I? Why should he?
If I tell him that I'm not comfortable with it, it will make me no different to other girls who get their pants in a twist every time they don't like something. The reason why he likes me I think is because I'm not whiny and I don't interfere with his social life.
What do I do? Do I just ignore it, and pray for it to blow over, or do I do something? (e.g. talk to him or talk to her.)
Please help.
EDIT: Instead of just negging me, how about you actually give me some constructive critism/ helpful advice?
That would be greatly appreciated.
OP I'll be blatently honest with you... My boyfriend was doing the same thing, and I was feeling panicky the same as you are now.
Turns out she was just the only friend he could remember the name of.
He hadn't paid much attention to stories about my girlfriends (admittedly, they are pretty boring and more of a rant for me than actual conversation), and we'd gotten to a stage where we'd been together too long for him to admit he didn't know who I was talking about anymore.
He was a bit embarrassed (but relieved) when I asked him about it, and said he was worried he'd look like a **** boyfriend, but I was just relieved he didn't fancy her.
Original post by boba
yes everyone does have the right to speak to anyone they want.
No they don't and i will say again
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. Or a sexual predator seeking out a child. Or someone who has a harassment order or injunction against them. Or for hate crime or bullying the list goes on. They have no right and would have repercussions. So your wrong with everybody has a right. They don't!
+ the ' were in the correct place that wasnt part of the quote idiot as the other ' finished before i wrote the next bit.
and now your just boring me. With your invalid points
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Stam
No they don't and i will say again
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. Or a sexual predator seeking out a child. Or someone who has a harassment order or injunction against them. Or for hate crime or bullying the list goes on. They have no right and would have repercussions. So your wrong with everybody has a right. They don't!
+ the ' were in the correct place that wasnt part of the quote idiot as the other ' finished before i wrote the next bit.
and now your just boring me. With your invalid points
no they do not in every context, if it is not with the right intention if someone started instigating something with someone who was married for example with an intention. Or a sexual predator seeking out a child. Or someone who has a harassment order or injunction against them. Or for hate crime or bullying the list goes on. They have no right and would have repercussions. So your wrong with everybody has a right. They don't!
+ the ' were in the correct place that wasnt part of the quote idiot as the other ' finished before i wrote the next bit.
and now your just boring me. With your invalid points
you are comparing it to someone who it is known has bad intentions with no evidence of this. Everyone has the right to simply speak to anyone else. Yes ok of course unless there has been some sort of court order but that is not the case. How can someone who automatically jumps to the conclusion that there is something bad going on simply of the evidence that they spoke to each other ever maintain a relationship. Trust is an important part of a relationship, calmly seeking reassurance is one thing but the kind of accusatory demanding to see the messages that you are suggesting would cause a problem even if it was completely innocent. Noone likes to be told they aren't trusted and being accused of of things you havn't done, by your partner the one person who is supposed to trust and case for you the most noless, hurts and would lead to problems of its own.
I'm not sure why you are so so defensive or bothering with ad hominem personal insults that do nothing to address the point but ok. I wont bother replying anymore if you are bored. goodbye
(edited 10 years ago)
Take it easy girl, just because ur friend is flirty and stuff doesn't mean she can snatch ur guy from you. Make sure you do nothing stupid and nasty to worsen your case. i undersand wat you're going through , all is well okay ?
Guys may sometimes wish to cheat, but do you treat him well enough to remain his queen ? the rest can just be flirting around u know ?
Always remember one thing, and that is, you have no business doing with those girls you deem as a threat to your relationship, what matters is you remain as the true love of his life and the light of his world. Naturally, most guys despise nagging girls !!!
Guys may sometimes wish to cheat, but do you treat him well enough to remain his queen ? the rest can just be flirting around u know ?
Always remember one thing, and that is, you have no business doing with those girls you deem as a threat to your relationship, what matters is you remain as the true love of his life and the light of his world. Naturally, most guys despise nagging girls !!!
I understand your concern. If I was in your shoes I would, very likely, feel the same way. But you do have to give him the benefit of the doubt and communication is EVERYTHING. Talk to him about it, open up. You are NOT being stupid or ridiculous or none of that. Just take a deep breath, talk to him and see what he says. And if, last case and worst case scenario, he has a crush on her than he sucks for not loving you completely for you. Never forget that you deserve the best and you are amazing.
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