I'm scared of going further with my boyfriend

My boyfriend rushed me into things way too early and then left me soon after, be careful :/




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This is a really sensitive topic for me so please don't be harsh. I've been with my boyfriend for a year already and having asked all my friends, they've all lost their virginity and lost it at most within 6 months of a relationship. My boyfriend is really sweet and caring and I love him a lot. He's been patient with me for a long time. Few days ago, it was our anniversary and we made out n I knew he wanted to take it a step further. I said yes because I really wanted to but after getting to a certain point, I backed out and cried because I honestly felt like i was being unfair to him. Any girl by now would have already submitted to their boyfriends but I'm just scared of the whole pain and can't get over it. I'm so lost and I feel like i don't deserve him because I cant even give hin that even though we love eachother. That night, he told me it was okay and he reassured me and he cuddled me til I slept. He told me he understood and that he'd wait. I feel so bad.
How can i get over this?

This is a really sensitive topic for me so please don't be harsh. I've been with my boyfriend for a year already and having asked all my friends, they've all lost their virginity and lost it at most within 6 months of a relationship. My boyfriend is really sweet and caring and I love him a lot. He's been patient with me for a long time. Few days ago, it was our anniversary and we made out n I knew he wanted to take it a step further. I said yes because I really wanted to but after getting to a certain point, I backed out and cried because I honestly felt like i was being unfair to him. Any girl by now would have already submitted to their boyfriends but I'm just scared of the whole pain and can't get over it. I'm so lost and I feel like i don't deserve him because I cant even give hin that even though we love eachother. That night, he told me it was okay and he reassured me and he cuddled me til I slept. He told me he understood and that he'd wait. I feel so bad.
How can i get over this?

If you feel pressurised into having sex then something is wrong. You shouldn't feel this way, clearly if you're feeling like this then you're not ready. Just because others are doing it doesn't mean you should too. Don't succumb to peer pressure. Have sex when you feel emotionally able to do so, and by making this thread it shows you're not just yet. If your boyfriend doesn't understand he's obviously not the right guy for you.

He seems like a lovely guy who will take it slowly with you, don't be scared it really doesn't hurt that much it's nothing to be scared of sort of a pinching feeling then just more uncomfortable until you get used to it than painful but it will feel more painful if you're worried and scared. Make sure you are properly lubricated and when you start stressing you'll tense up which will hurt you just have to get him to stop take a deep breath and relax your muscles it doesn't matter how many times you have to do that or how long it will take if he is as understanding and caring as you've described him he won't want to hurt you and would rather you tell him. I've had experiences much more painful than my first time because the guys didn't know what they were doing and rushed. I'm not sure how much I can say without getting in trouble but feel free to PM me and I can give you some advice but honestly it's nothing to worry about and don't feel bad about it. Some people take longer than others and I waited much longer than six months just think about it if the roles where reversed I doubt you'd be annoyed with him you'd just want was was best and I'm sure he feels the same. Don't do anything until you are ready you'll regret it (the timing I'm referring to not the guy) and it won't be as good an experience.

Thank you so much. I think I'm going to have a talk with my boyfriend and hopefully take things from there. It's honestly the pain that puts me off. My friend's have been telling me horrible stories about their sex lives and I don't deal with pain easily.
I think it was because it was our one year anniversary and I thought it was the right time but I think the nerves got to me. And your right, I*wasn't relaxed. I just kept thinking about how much it was going to hurt. I think I wasn't ready.*I've been telling my boyfriend how sorry I've been and he's been telling me that its fine. I guess I'm lucky to have a guy like him. I think I'll explain it all to him, about the whole friends telling stories and how scared I am and maybe together we can overcome the issue.

Thank you xxxxx

Shut up.

I think the best way to go about things is to speak with your boyfriend about your thoughts and try to get through it with his support. It's clear you have a very loving boyfriend as he's constantly reassuring you that he'll wait and all that. Don't let 'what other girls would do' dictate how you go along with your own sexual experiences, since really it's got no bearing whatsoever. Everyone is ready at different stages and you just happen to be one of those who waits a little longer

Don't feel pressurised, not everyone has to start within the first 6 months - me and my boyfriend waited until we'd been together for about a year and a half! Just wait until you feel emotionally ready, you should never feel bad about not feeling ready. (That being said, if it's what's worrying you, then don't think about the pain - if you take it slow you'll be fine.) He sounds like a really good guy, try not to put so much pressure on yourself.

He clearly cares about you a lot and you care about him too. You're lucky. You're lucky that he is prepared to wait and he understands - many boyfriends wouldn't.

Only go further when you feel ready. You don't seem ready for it yet in my opinion, but I can't judge that for you.

You shouldn't feel bad that you don't want something he wants - feeling guilty could lead to going into things too quickly and if you don't want to do it yet, you should not feel pressurised to do it just because he wants to. You both need to be ready for it and it sounds like he understands that which is nice of him.

Don't worry, just wait - you'll know when it's the right time to do it.

Friends will always tell each other horror stories or exaggerate and say the bed was soaked with blood I heard it all myself and I was terrified. I'm telling you the truth the more relaxed you are the better it will be but yeah it's just a pinching feeling really and a little uncomfortable, I still have that uncomfortable feeling now and I've been sexually active for years! Another tip, don't plan it the build up will stress you out and you won't be able to relax just let it happen naturally.

Good luck xxxxx

The others are right in saying that you should wait until you are ready to have sex. However, "ready" isn't something that just dawns on you when you reach a certain point in time, it's something you move towards.

Again, this movement does need to happen at your own pace, but it sounds to me as though you have been stalled by your fears and barriers, rather than that you are just going at a slow pace. I guess you can answer - is this the right pace for me? Am I moving in the direction I want, or am I stopped at an obstacle I can't seem to get past?

You mentioned fear, especially of pain. You're not alone in this. Girls and women are often informed that sex is something likely to be painful and fearful, also a form of submission - and that makes it pretty scary. But those things don't have to be true, and there's lots of ways to be sexual where they are not true at all.

I would recommend viewing sexual activity as a spectrum, not the yes/no, virgin/not-virgin dichotomy we are used to. It's possible to just escalate things really slowly so you always feel safe and comfortable and can step things back if it's too much. For example: kissing - > heavy kissing -> heavy petting -> touching and being naked together -> manual sex (that is imitating sex but with your hands, such as being penetrated by a finger if you are a girl, or touching/rubbing a boy's penis) etc. When I was younger, a virgin and really quite nervous about sex, my boyfriend used to be able to get off rubbing himself on my bum/back. Though it sounds really lame, it's quite an intimate thing to do that can't possibly hurt, and it gets you used to the nakedness, and physical closeness. You could try things like this with your boyfriend, and then might have a more natural/easy progression to having full sex. If you don't pressure yourself, but gradually get used to nakedness, and touching / that level of intimacy, try to fantasise about your boyfriend in that way etc, you'll probably find yourself wanting to do more and more. If you do sexual things that you enjoy, you can't go wrong. But I think if you're avoiding sexual things altogether (perhaps if you are scared things will escalate or you are "leading him on") then you might stay stuck where you are. You need to talk to your boyfriend about your fears, and get the reassurance from him that you need to try out sexy things that are very relaxed and non-scary that you can enjoy. But he sounds really nice. It's hard for him too, to figure what is the best thing to do. He has to balance taking the lead as you are nervous, against not pressuring you, against his attraction to you too. You can make it easier if you come up with a plan together.

This advice might be at totally the wrong level as I don't know what you've already tried / are doing. If that's the case, sorry! Hope it helps though.

This is probably the best piece of advice I could ever ask for. Your entirely correct and you've caught all of my worries in one post. I can see that I'm making it hard for him yet I know that its not a one side thing. I can't expecting him to wait for me for ages when that might be never. I think with my fear, its something that I need to overcome. That being said, I'm going to have a talk to him and suggest that we take it all in small steps. Your right, I haven't yet gone to the fullest point. As soon as we start getting naked and the touching starts, I back out because I know what's coming next and it freaks me out but I know something needs to be done.

Thank you xxxxx

This is a really sensitive topic for me so please don't be harsh. I've been with my boyfriend for a year already and having asked all my friends, they've all lost their virginity and lost it at most within 6 months of a relationship. My boyfriend is really sweet and caring and I love him a lot. He's been patient with me for a long time. Few days ago, it was our anniversary and we made out n I knew he wanted to take it a step further. I said yes because I really wanted to but after getting to a certain point, I backed out and cried because I honestly felt like i was being unfair to him. Any girl by now would have already submitted to their boyfriends but I'm just scared of the whole pain and can't get over it. I'm so lost and I feel like i don't deserve him because I cant even give hin that even though we love eachother. That night, he told me it was okay and he reassured me and he cuddled me til I slept. He told me he understood and that he'd wait. I feel so bad.
How can i get over this?