Socially awkward boyfriend

I find it hard to explain this but I'll try my best. I've been feeling really drained and irritated by my bf. He's a nice guy, but he's coming across as socially inept. I know not everyone is super out going and confident, but we've been together for a while now and nothing seems to have changed.

He can't really make conversation or keep a convo going. He only asks me simple yes or no answer questions, and it'll be the same ones all the time, and there's only so many times you can be asked the same thing until it gets irritating. For example a few months before going back to Uni all I got every time we hung out was "so you're going back to university soon" "yeah".... "University starts back soon" "yeah it does." Now I know I could say more and he's maybe trying to lead it to something, but there's only so many times I can give an answer to the same question.

I dunno if it's cos we don't have much in common or if it's him, he's maybe really nervous or doesn't really know how to socialise. I don't want to seem like I'm being too hard on him or nit picking. It's beginning to really make me feel crap and I dunno why. I hate being the initiator, otherwise we sit in silence. I don't feel like there's any spark or excitement. When I'm with him, after a bit I want to be by myself, like I get this feeling of wanting to be left alone. And I don't think that's a good sign at all. He'll say he missed me about 5 times in one day. And it's like yeah you said it once already... And after he says it the first time I don't say "I miss you too" to the rest because I think if I don't say it he'll get the hint to stop saying it several times, but he doesn't stop.

I told before I want him to initiate more stuff and take control more, but somehow he's confused that with being clingy and needy.

I dunno what to do. I think he'd take it really hard if I broke up with him. But it seems worse to continue and feel this crap and drained, and to stay with someone just cos you don't want to hurt their feelings..

From that, it sounds like you should break up with him. You don't have a duty to stay with someone if they aren't making you happy. How old are you? He might just be a bit young for a proper relationship, he sounds kinda immature in this sense.

We're both in our 20s. I don't think it's that he's immature like in terms of being an ******* or that, but maybe more like emotionally immature like he doesn't pick up on things, I feel like I'm way ahead of him if that makes sense? As though I'm gonna have to teach him how to make conversation and how to act in a relationship.. When I'm past that point of having to be a "mum" to guys.. I think he feels overly nervous and anxious and he's too worried about saying something stupid to me, that he doesn't even bother saying anything at all.

I don't think it's right for me to expect him to change who he is, some girls would accept his awkwardness or lack of talking and just assume a more dominant role in the relationship, but for me it's like I don't wanna be the one doing everything all the time.

Typical woman who went into a relationship with the intention of trying to change her boyfriend.

You knew what he was like before you started going out with him. You chose to get into a relationship with him.

The only person who has done anything wrong here is you.

It's your fault, break up with him and find someone who ticks your boxes from the start instead of trying to change people.

Unfortunately you are wrong. He wasn't like this before we were officially "in a relationship". When we first met he asked me lots of questions and tried to get to know me. He seemed interested and conversational. We went on a few dates and it was totally different to how he is now. He would talk about himself and tell funny stories or ask me about myself that sorta thing.

Now things have just dried up. He's maybe scared of saying the wrong thing and losing me, but saying nothing isn't any better. How would you feel if you were with someone and you told them all about your week and any funny things that happened and all the person could say when you ask what they've been up to is "I've not done anything so I have nothing to talk about"? And yeah he might have had nothing to say cos he didn't do anything, but it's a bit anti climatic when you ask someone "what've you been up to" "nothing" "got any plans for the weekend" "no".... Yeah not everyone's super exciting and always doing stuff, I dunno as I type this I'm kinda seeing that maybe as harsh as it may be.. He's maybe a bit boring :/ like he has no ambition or desire to do anything fun or just do anything at all... :/

Well that's what I meant, he sounds a bit like a teenage boy who doesn't really know what he's doing. Personally, having been taught not to ever pressure women and stuff like that, it took me a while to realise that most women do want the man to be dominant and make decisions most of the time.

It sounds like a bit of a no brainer to break up with him, since you've listed loads of faults, and the only positive thing you've said is the kinda damning "he's a nice guy". Any major positives you'd want to mention?

He's at uni though right?

He finished university and has a degree.

Is he done with education now?

Yeah he's working, why?

Yeah, I'd rather it was 50/50 as opposed to me making all the choices, driving us everywhere and paying for everything. As bad as it might sound it makes me feel like he's my son not my bf. I make our breakfast, food, I do all that, I even carry heavy bags and it'll take him ages later to say "do you want me to carry it" when I'm a step away from the door... It's not that he's rude or lazy, more it's like he's oblivious to stuff. If I'm at someone's house I always offer them a drink or food, I'd never leave someone to go hungry, but instead his mum still makes all his meals and I'd rather make my own stuff than rely on my parents cos I'm in my 20s... Maybe he just hasn't made that transition from being dependent to being independent and I feel like an adult and I don't feel like he's on the same level as me. Like he wants to quit his job cos he doesn't really like it and it's the first job he's had and I'm like well I couldn't just quit my job cos then I'd have no money to pay bills etc.. Bleh I'm worried I'm sounding really mean but it's how I feel I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

Just wondering

You said he wants to quit his job. I was wondering whether he had a back up plan like education.

Why did you go out with him in the first place?

Because like I said when we first met he was different, he made an effort and made conversation, it's almost as though something's made a switch turn off in his head. Like "she's my girlfriend now, I must not talk about my interests or make any effort otherwise I'll lose her" when not doing those things will make you lose someone! You'd think getting a gf would make someone more confident but it's had the opposite effect on him. :/

We're both in our 20s. I don't think it's that he's immature like in terms of being an ******* or that, but maybe more like emotionally immature like he doesn't pick up on things, I feel like I'm way ahead of him if that makes sense?

I don't think it's right for me to expect him to change who he is, some girls would accept his awkwardness or lack of talking and just assume a more dominant role in the relationship, but for me it's like I don't wanna be the one doing everything all the time

Yeah, I'd rather it was 50/50 as opposed to me making all the choices, driving us everywhere and paying for everything. As bad as it might sound it makes me feel like he's my son not my bf. I make our breakfast, food, I do all that, I even carry heavy bags and it'll take him ages later to say "do you want me to carry it" when I'm a step away from the door... It's not that he's rude or lazy, more it's like he's oblivious to stuff. If I'm at someone's house I always offer them a drink or food, I'd never leave someone to go hungry, but instead his mum still makes all his meals and I'd rather make my own stuff than rely on my parents cos I'm in my 20s... Maybe he just hasn't made that transition from being dependent to being independent and I feel like an adult and I don't feel like he's on the same level as me. Like he wants to quit his job cos he doesn't really like it and it's the first job he's had and I'm like well I couldn't just quit my job cos then I'd have no money to pay bills etc.. Bleh I'm worried I'm sounding really mean but it's how I feel I feel so guilty for feeling this way.

I'm not present in the relationship so I can't say for sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if, like many women, you expect him to be a mindreader. What you should do is communicate with him, talk to him about the issue.

What have you done to take an interest in the things he likes? What conversations have you initiated?



It's totally fair to expect him to be equal in taking the lead and initiating things. But if there's literally no conversation and no spark, you're probably not right for each other.

When I'm with the guy I'm dating, we talk constantly, or if not, it's because it's, say, a Sunday morning and we're eating breakfast and reading the papers, and feel comfortable with silence, or the occasional smile and reading things to each other, but no long conversation.

If you don't have a modicum of excitement or conversational reciprocity, it might be time to call it quits.

No, I'm the opposite, I'm a very upfront honest person. I don't see the point in being annoyed at a behaviour and not talking to someone about it cos otherwise they won't know they're doing anything wrong.

I said I'd already spoken to him about it, saying I'd like him to initiate more stuff, even simple things like asking me to hang out and do something, rather than me arranging everything and asking him if he wants to go to the cinema do x y z. I don't see why he can't message me saying hey doing anything on Friday? Fancy going out for a meal? Or whatever. After I spoke to him about this, he did plan one thing for us to do, and then after that things just went back to how they were before. When were together all we do is go to each other's houses and watch tv. Which yeah a chilled out time can be fine, but not everytime...

It was also simple things like he wouldn't even initiate kissing me hugging me etc. to put it bluntly, if I don't initiate sex, we never have sex. I spoke to him about this, I said to him straight forwardly "it would be nice if you kissed me, and made it seem like you're passionate about me, you wanna hug me and touch me" (you get the idea) so I'd basically told him "I WANT YOU TO KISS ME" (this wasn't our first kiss btw) and what did he do? He buried his head in his pillow and started saying all this stuff like "I dunno what's wrong with me I'm just ****ing things up" me: "I WANT YOU TO INITIATE STUFF LIKE KISSING ME" *ages later, him being more and more oblivious* I said: "I've told you I want you to take control and initiate stuff, for example by kissing me rather than me always starting the kissing etc, so RIGHT NOW KISS ME!!" And he was like ohhhhhh I see!

Do you understand my frustration now?!