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What's wrong with me?

kel1999

I have been brought up in a happy family, with lots of friends and I've never experienced death yet or had anything traumatic happen in my life. Right now I am 15(which someone will most probably comment about my age) but I have a boyfriend who is all I could wish for and we have been together for nearly 2 years. I feel down all the time, I feel like I lose friends every day and I know it is my fault because I push people away, I get so emotional and cry almost every night for no reason in particular. When I was about 11 and just starting secondary school, I got in with a group of girls(only 2 who were not nice) that even though I never got bullied, they made me feel bad about myself everyday to the point where I would dread going to school and I changed myself so they would like me. About halfway through year 7 when I had just turned 12, I cut myself for the first time, mostly just to experience it and at the time a couple of people found out at my school but actually did not tell anyone. By the time it was year 8 I was cutting myself at least once a day(mostly more) and would get angry if I didn't have the chance to. But I eventually convinced everyone that I had stopped and for nearly all of the year I wore long sleeved tops and trousers to cover scars and cuts everywhere. Only my boyfriend knew and eventually he began to get so worried about me that he would begin to panic if I did not answer him quickly. May I also add that even though he is lovely to me, we did have some problems at the beginning of the relationship as he used to smoke(stupid because he was so young!) and he told me he stopped for me which did indeed make me feel a bit special, then I found out almost a year later that he had lied to me and almost everyone in my school knew except me and I trusted him entirely and I got so upset and down that along with a lot of other things at school, I tried to kill myself by cutting. I began to get suicidal and I eventually confessed to my mum about cutting in the end of year 8. I also got in with a stupid group of people and got drunk(biggest mistake) and I got took to hospital where I had to stay overnight. During year 8 I tried starving myself, eating tissue and making myself sick which was nothing I stuck to, I went from being confident and happy to being shy and miserable in a matter of months and began to hate my body image. Now I've moved on a lot since then and do not regularly cut myself, only occasionally when I feel I need to. Recently I have been desperate again, I have no interest in anything any more, I'm surrounded by friends(the girls left the school) but I still feel lonely despite always being with family or my boyfriend and friends. I feel stressed out like I used to and whereas I used to eat for comfort, now I am struggling to eat as much without feeling insecure about myself. I still have scars which are just a reminder of how much I want to cut again and even though I can be quite happy, inside I still feel upset and like I'm constantly putting on a happy face when I want to cry. I've felt like this for over 3 years and I don't know what's wrong with me, I want to be happy but my thoughts are just all over the place, I'm feeling suicidal again and I have no idea what to do. Very soon I will be doing my GCSE'S and I want to do well and don't want this getting in the way. I just don't know what's wrong with me, I'm not sure if I'm just being stupid or what but it's affecting me so much at home and at school.