Girlfriend is still in touch with her ex it seems.

Original post by mayweather23

Hi,Well then, I've been meeting up with a girl since February, the most amazing times have been spent together. I learned that she was abused by her ex, and he's the type to come around hers a little aggressive etc... I'm the complete opposite, not a bum, have a solid job etc....

I have met her mum, sisters, as she has like wise with me. We are very serious on an emotional level, we used to have intercourse / foreplay daily, but about 1.5 month ago stopped as she had hurt her hip (sciatica). It is now healed and I have brought it up in convo as to why we aren't and she says just, there's no reason but she will start soon but she hasn't.

I have realised whilst she's been with me a random phone number texting her a lot which she hasn't saved his name but a quick glance confirmed it is her ex. I am pretty much afraid she has either been meeting him / in touch even though when I mentioned when drunk "forget the rest out there" ...

Either she has to talk to him because of his abusive ways or because she still has a link with him and maybe she is doing sexual things with him, as he was quite good looking (I'm a bit fat I'll be honest but lost 10kg whilst being with her)...

Now I know she loves me she rings me every morning without fail and see's me daily... She speaks all the time how she thinks I will fit in with her family and she wants marriage etc it's obvious even her sisters have said this quietly to me. I'm just not sure how to approach this.

Would really like some advice.

That's a red flag....when you asked her about the sex and she said she will do it soon (that means she's either ****ing her ex or something sexual is happening elsewhere). You should tell her that you don't want her in contact with her ex gotta put your foot down on things like this.

If she still continues to talk to him after you've had the talk (and i know this might anger some people on here but hey she asked for it) then i would use her for the sex then dump her. Ain't got no time for that :lol:

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 2

Katie_p

15

Original post by trapking

That's a red flag....when you asked her about the sex and she said she will do it soon (that means she's either ****ing her ex or something sexual is happening elsewhere). You should tell her that you don't want her in contact with her ex gotta put your foot down on things like this.

If she still continues to talk to him after you've had the talk (and i know this might anger some people on here but hey she asked for it) then i would use her for the sex then dump her. Ain't got no time for that :lol:

Why does saying she'll have sex soon mean she's screwing someone else?

I've had times where I'm just not interested, sometimes for a month or two in a go, and probably having a health/medical issue would bring on a period of apathy regarding sex.

OP, I really don't know how to solve this. You need to ask, but to do it without accusing her of anything, and without casting seeds of doubt for her or you to return to any time you have an argument. You have a right to know if she's texting an abusive ex, but you can't outright accuse her of doing so, and she might not want to tell you. If she lies, it's up to you how to deal with it, but you should give her the opportunity to tell you - there's not really anything wrong with communicating with him except that he sounds like bad news.

Reply 3

trapking

Original post by Katie_p

Why does saying she'll have sex soon mean she's screwing someone else?

I've had times where I'm just not interested, sometimes for a month or two in a go, and probably having a health/medical issue would bring on a period of apathy regarding sex.
.

Well all I'm saying is she might still have feelings for him (the ex) and there is a very high possibility that something's going on in the background!

Reply 4

AndyChow

19

If she loves you so much then she wouldn't mind telling you who the unknown number is and how her ex bullies her(if it ever happened). If not then you might want to rethink about going further with someone like that.

Reply 5

VotreAltesse

2

Original post by mayweather23

Hi,Well then, I've been meeting up with a girl since February, the most amazing times have been spent together. I learned that she was abused by her ex, and he's the type to come around hers a little aggressive etc... I'm the complete opposite, not a bum, have a solid job etc....

I have met her mum, sisters, as she has like wise with me. We are very serious on an emotional level, we used to have intercourse / foreplay daily, but about 1.5 month ago stopped as she had hurt her hip (sciatica). It is now healed and I have brought it up in convo as to why we aren't and she says just, there's no reason but she will start soon but she hasn't.

I have realised whilst she's been with me a random phone number texting her a lot which she hasn't saved his name but a quick glance confirmed it is her ex. I am pretty much afraid she has either been meeting him / in touch even though when I mentioned when drunk "forget the rest out there" ...

Either she has to talk to him because of his abusive ways or because she still has a link with him and maybe she is doing sexual things with him, as he was quite good looking (I'm a bit fat I'll be honest but lost 10kg whilst being with her)...

Now I know she loves me she rings me every morning without fail and see's me daily... She speaks all the time how she thinks I will fit in with her family and she wants marriage etc it's obvious even her sisters have said this quietly to me. I'm just not sure how to approach this.

Would really like some advice.

The main thing here is indeed the obvious red flag: she's still in contact with her ex.

I don't care what other people here might say, but at the bare minimum she still has feelings for him.

The only 2 options I see here are:

1) You confront her. You tell that you don't want to be pulled around as a plan B, that you're serious for her and that she can contact you when she chooses who she wants. Yes this might put her on the spot, but at least you won't waste months chasing after her if she's fixed on her ex. In the mean time you can go meet other women who are single and don't have ex issues.

2) You continue as you are now, constantly worrying whether she's seeing her ex or sleeping with him ... If you're going to choose this one you should definitely be on the look out for other women who don't have these issues.

Reply 6

AvaAdore

Ask her about it. Ask her if she ever heard from her ex. If she hides it and deceives you, you have your answer.

Reply 7

Eloise_027

5

I've got to say, it worries me a little that you've checked her phone. I don't mean to sound accusatory, but that's really not okay. Coming from someone who's been in an extremely controlling relationship and come out the other side, I am very private about my technology now. I would be hurt and offended if I found out somebody I'm dating and I trusted went through my stuff, even if it was just to check a number. So maybe police your own behaviour before you start policing hers.

On the issue at hand, talk to her about it. Don't get angry, or judgmental because I doubt that's what either of you needs, but give her the chance to explain before taking this further. Until you know the whole situation, there's not much you can do about it.

Reply 8

Blutooth

16

Original post by Eloise_027

I've got to say, it worries me a little that you've checked her phone. I don't mean to sound accusatory, but that's really not okay. Coming from someone who's been in an extremely controlling relationship and come out the other side, I am very private about my technology now. I would be hurt and offended if I found out somebody I'm dating and I trusted went through my stuff, even if it was just to check a number. So maybe police your own behaviour before you start policing hers.

On the issue at hand, talk to her about it. Don't get angry, or judgmental because I doubt that's what either of you needs, but give her the chance to explain before taking this further. Until you know the whole situation, there's not much you can do about it.

Get a grip, woman. You don't know if he is controlling, so don't superimpose your opinions about your ex's behaviour onto him and don't make sweeping judgements about the op. Given the posts in his thread it is easy to see he is not being controlling, but rather is concerned. A month without sex and strange behaviour is a cause for concern that may require some independent thinking and further investigation. Checking his partner's phone doesn't mean he is trying to control her, but rather to find out more.

What about his post other than checking the phone makes you think he is controlling?

Reply 9

Chicken.M.

Shes probably not sexuaLly attracted to you and misses her ex who is probably more attractive. You did say youre fat. If shes not having sex with you she could easily be getting it somewhere else

Reply 10

Chicken.M.

Original post by Eloise_027

I've got to say, it worries me a little that you've checked her phone. I don't mean to sound accusatory, but that's really not okay. Coming from someone who's been in an extremely controlling relationship and come out the other side, I am very private about my technology now. I would be hurt and offended if I found out somebody I'm dating and I trusted went through my stuff, even if it was just to check a number. So maybe police your own behaviour before you start policing hers.
On the issue at hand, talk to her about it. Don't get angry, or judgmental because I doubt that's what either of you needs, but give her the chance to explain before taking this further. Until you know the whole situation, there's not much you can do about it.

Lol. Those trust issues are completely your problem and you need to deal with them. I have no problem with my gf checkong my phone and going through my stuff since i have nothing to hide and trust her not to do anything stupid. Shes got passwords to a bunch of social media and vice versa. Not a big deal at all. You would be a hard person to trust since youre secretive.

Reply 11

OP

Would it be wrong of me, when her sister said I am here for you two no matter what to suggest that I feel I have a little concern in regards to her ex? ... I don't want my girlfriend to flip if I asked her in person, and maybe her sister knows a bit more than me and can explain to me the scenario.Another thing, if I was to mention to my girl that I feel she is talking to her ex, well she is going to ask how do I know, as it is one long number (she hasn't saved his name on her phone / changed it)....

The reason I know is one day we was drunk and her phone buzzed and the text read something which pretty much confirmed it, and as a weirdo I rang the number (on my phone, with no caller ID) and as I guessed, was a guy...Again, I am going to be honest, I'm pretty torn right now. She just messaged saying would my mum and sister want to go for a slushy together later, as we couldn't last night...these mixed signals are crazy. It seems though that she wants to integrate heavily with my family though, and this hasn't been the case with any of her previous relationships, I know that for sure. We aren't getting enough us time....but when I said that, she said its not all about sex.

Do I next time I see her text the long number, ask out the blue, who is it?.... if she says something along the lines of none of your business, or something, should I suggest, if you have anything on your mind, or if your ex is still trying to get in contact with you, you know you can let me know... you told me we can speak about anything with each other.

- Is this the best way to approach this? ... Later today, she wants to meet mum / sister for a slush like I said with me, shall I suggest that they aren't able to make it, but of course we can together, if she says no, shall I just confront the situation, that why is there no just me + you time, and always having to be others?... we've not shared a moment for ages, and then ask about the ex like I mentioned above in the underlined section.

Reply 12

Original post by mayweather23

Do I next time I see her text the long number, ask out the blue, who is it?.... if she says something along the lines of none of your business, or something, should I suggest, if you have anything on your mind, or if your ex is still trying to get in contact with you, you know you can let me know... you told me we can speak about anything with each other.

- Is this the best way to approach this? ... Later today, she wants to meet mum / sister for a slush like I said with me, shall I suggest that they aren't able to make it, but of course we can together, if she says no, shall I just confront the situation, that why is there no just me + you time, and always having to be others?... we've not shared a moment for ages, and then ask about the ex like I mentioned above in the underlined section.

I think that's a good idea. Go gently with this one mate. Don't go accusing her of anything, just bring it up as casually as you can. You should be able to judge from her reaction what's up.

Reply 13

OP

Original post by greylupin

I think that's a good idea. Go gently with this one mate. Don't go accusing her of anything, just bring it up as casually as you can. You should be able to judge from her reaction what's up.

Thanks mate, its a tough one. Shall I just go with the underlined scenario, or shall I suggest mother + sister can't make the slushy but obviously we can still go together, then go on from there if she says nope...why we are having no us time, always people surrounding us, is there anything on your mind in terms of someone being on your case, and we can talk about it?

You know what though, I think it would even shock her sister if she knew, as I think they think we are absolutely solid, even though I aired some concerns last night with her sister, as mentioned, but she assured me its solid.

Reply 14

I'd go with the first scenario, don't worry too much about the family. Other people will do what they want anyway, but what's important is you getting your point across. If necessary, take her to the side. At least having family there might mean support if it all goes topside.

Reply 15

OP

Original post by greylupin

I'd go with the first scenario, don't worry too much about the family. Other people will do what they want anyway, but what's important is you getting your point across. If necessary, take her to the side. At least having family there might mean support if it all goes topside.

To be honest, I would not instigate the conversation in regards to 'is anything / anyone bothering you / on your mind...' with my family anywhere close, never know about emotions really... That will be something I do alone with her when I see her next...Wish me luck...but yes I will probably arrange so mum / sister can't go on the slushy adventure lol (they don't know, as I haven't asked)... or should I just meet her without letting her know they can't come and ask? Or is that silly. Thanks for your advice.

Reply 16

OP

Would it be wise to make a last ditch attempt and go grab some really nice flowers and see her reaction to them, then if it is not the greatest ill ask what's the issue?

Reply 17

Good luck dude :smile:

Reply 18