How can I stop feeling bitter about people not wanting to be friends with me?

I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about things but basically the fact that people don't want to be friends with me makes me feel a bit bitter. I've always been very quiet and even though I'm past my mid twenties now I don't have great social skills but I always try to be nice. I go to a sports club and a woman a little older deleted me as a friend off facebook. I know it's only facebook but she is still friends with others who don't turn up and train as much as me and comments on their posts etc. I don't post on facebook so thought maybe it was because of this at first but I then it's ever since I started to date a man much older than me I thought she might have got the wrong impression about me or something.

A few other people have deleted me too even though I've done nothing to them. I've just started a course at uni and again Ive noticed cliques have formed and I'm on my own again with people taking to other people and me ending up wandering off on my on my own because it's much easier being by myself than hopelessly trying to fit in with others. I'm not self pitying or anything at first I blamed myself but I'm getting more and more annoyed with others because I try my best to think of what I've done wrong or how the situations are my fault yet my attempts to correct myself/put in more effort are not working. I never really went out socially when I was younger because I had no one to go with. I've accepted this is my fault though for not being more pushy and being too embarrased to ask people if I could go out with them.

I don't know how I'm mean to feel though? Like with the facebook thing I know it's only facebook but the fact that people have deleted me just truly confirms that they don't want anything to do with me. Yet besides lacking all the chit chat I don't think I'm any worse of a person than say the people they have remained friends with lol. I'd rather not feel bitter and don't want to have this '**** everyone' feeling but I want advice on how not to feel this way?

Reply 1

saeed97

5

Sucker punching them usually does the trick. Its oddly therapeutic

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Friends involve drama and I am sure you dont want any of that.

Elliot Rodgers

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Friends involve drama and I am sure you dont want any of that.

I know I that's the positive side to it I've always lived a simple life.

Reply 5

Anonymous #3

i get that a lot, during my first week of college i made huge effort to approach other people to speak. i met soo many people but didn't form friendships with them because i noticed they didn't want to hang around with me. I am super quiet and cant hold a convo but the other people never made effort like i did. I kind of dont know what i could do better because i did try even though it made me uncomfortable to be out there.

i think stop caring about other people beyond a classmate relationship made me not feel bitter towards them, if that makes sense.

Reply 6

Zarek

21

So, it is frustrating that some people are much better at making friends and for some intangible reason are able to do so. This said, being a bitter and twisted victim is never attractive and will not help you. Just ease up and you will be able to make your own breaks..

Reply 7

Celebi899

2

Zarek's right, being bitter with people because of not making friends as easily as others is not the way to go. It isn't nice to be around or make it more attractive to form a relationship. Try and suck up the bitterness and have confidence. Try and write down some conversation starters the night before or some questions you can ask people about things that are generally going on in uni/your course, so you can hold/make conversations.

Join societies maybe for things your passionate about, so you'll meet people with the same interests as you, then the convos will come more naturally :smile:

and just continue to be nice to people and push yourself to make friends, it's hard but worth it 😋

Posted from TSR Mobile

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 8

jeremy1988

13

Original post by Anonymous

I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel about things but basically the fact that people don't want to be friends with me makes me feel a bit bitter. I've always been very quiet and even though I'm past my mid twenties now I don't have great social skills but I always try to be nice.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've never been very outgoing either, but I'm usually polite.

I go to a sports club and a woman a little older deleted me as a friend off facebook. I know it's only facebook but she is still friends with others who don't turn up and train as much as me and comments on their posts etc. I don't post on facebook so thought maybe it was because of this at first but I then it's ever since I started to date a man much older than me I thought she might have got the wrong impression about me or something.

Chances are that you did do or say something that bothered her, but it may have been something very petty. Unless you were close friends and you want to ask why she removed you, I would try to let it go.

A few other people have deleted me too even though I've done nothing to them. I've just started a course at uni and again Ive noticed cliques have formed and I'm on my own again with people taking to other people and me ending up wandering off on my on my own because it's much easier being by myself than hopelessly trying to fit in with others.

If people are cliquish where you are, it's possible you associated with the "wrong people," or just didn't have enough social status to please them. If you associate with someone from a rival clique, there are people out there petty enough to delete you just for being too friendly to someone they hate, thinking that you're on their "side" even if you don't know what's going on.

I never really went out socially when I was younger because I had no one to go with. I've accepted this is my fault though for not being more pushy and being too embarrased to ask people if I could go out with them.

I don't think it's that simple. If you try being pushy, people just see you as needy or obnoxious. If you don't push, people see you as passive and aloof. The point is, if people like you, none of that matters. If they don't, they'll use any excuse they can think of to justify it.

I don't know how I'm mean to feel though? Like with the facebook thing I know it's only facebook but the fact that people have deleted me just truly confirms that they don't want anything to do with me. Yet besides lacking all the chit chat I don't think I'm any worse of a person than say the people they have remained friends with lol. I'd rather not feel bitter and don't want to have this '**** everyone' feeling but I want advice on how not to feel this way?

They probably want you to feel bitter and jealous. A lot of people feed on such emotions because it makes them feel powerful. Don't give them the satisfaction. The best way to get over it is to keep trying to seek out people with similar interests and values. You can't really fit into just any group you want, you have to find a group of like-minded people.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 9

Leah K Stewart

7

Original post by Anonymous

i get that a lot, during my first week of college i made huge effort to approach other people to speak. i met soo many people but didn't form friendships with them because i noticed they didn't want to hang around with me. I am super quiet and cant hold a convo but the other people never made effort like i did. I kind of dont know what i could do better because i did try even though it made me uncomfortable to be out there. i think stop caring about other people beyond a classmate relationship made me not feel bitter towards them, if that makes sense.

Totally get this and there is a simple introvert-friendly solution I've discovered after feeling the same; except my family like me, but everyone else was like -gaaaah! so complicated and i have nothing to say, just can't be bothered, they can't be bothered - gaaah!

Answer this question: What ONE Positive do you care about creating in our world?

Answer it in your head, here or via PM; I'm not bothered. but you need an answer to that question - however it comes out. That's a starting point. Once I figured out my answer I just started doing things in-line with that, and contacting people (online) who are doing really cool things towards making that positive happen. That's where my real friendships are now; with people I work with virtually. The people in my physical space - sports club & in the town are simply acquaintances and I pretty much say hi, smile and leave them to what they're doing. The finny thing is that, now I have a ONE Positive I'm going for, other people want to spend time with me and I'm like 'sorry! got stuff to do! maybe next time'. Find the positive you want to happen in the world more that you care about being the one to make it happen and start pushing on that. It's a counter-intuitive answer, I guess, but this seems to work. It's what sorted me out, at least.

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Leah K Stewart

Totally get this and there is a simple introvert-friendly solution I've discovered after feeling the same; except my family like me, but everyone else was like -gaaaah! so complicated and i have nothing to say, just can't be bothered, they can't be bothered - gaaah!

Answer this question: What ONE Positive do you care about creating in our world?

Answer it in your head, here or via PM; I'm not bothered. but you need an answer to that question - however it comes out. That's a starting point. Once I figured out my answer I just started doing things in-line with that, and contacting people (online) who are doing really cool things towards making that positive happen. That's where my real friendships are now; with people I work with virtually. The people in my physical space - sports club & in the town are simply acquaintances and I pretty much say hi, smile and leave them to what they're doing. The finny thing is that, now I have a ONE Positive I'm going for, other people want to spend time with me and I'm like 'sorry! got stuff to do! maybe next time'. Find the positive you want to happen in the world more that you care about being the one to make it happen and start pushing on that. It's a counter-intuitive answer, I guess, but this seems to work. It's what sorted me out, at least.

Ok cool, I suppose this is the same idea as going your own path rather than trying to fit in and then others might follow. You are setting a goal and putting all effort into achieving it rather than caring what others think which is really helpful although hard to do. Like at work when i want to help a patient my caring what others think always gets in the way. Like i am afraid of asking questions and appearing dopy partly because people say i am dopy and also because ive been told i ask stuff that i should know already. I feel that i never really know something until ive found out as much as i can though hence the asking. But yea I think i focus way too much on myself which might be part of the problem.

Anyway yea i get what you are saying in that if you put effort into something you truely care about you will not be focusing on yourself/inadequecies all the time but instead in the task. Thanks I'l try and do this. The thing that i care about more than anything is animals really and suffering Id wish to end it but ive kind of blanked it out most of my life as i dont like seeing crudlty etc. The second thing i care about is more self centered as id just like to be as fit, healthy and strong as i can lol.

Reply 11

Tiger Rag

22

Are you actually making an effort with people? I know that some people have deleted me as friends on Facebook (although, because we have friends in common on there, we'll sometimes still end up talking) and I know it's because I've not made an effort to actually talk to them.

Reply 12

Leah K Stewart

7

Original post by Anonymous

Ok cool, I suppose this is the same idea as going your own path rather than trying to fit in and then others might follow. You are setting a goal and putting all effort into achieving it rather than caring what others think which is really helpful although hard to do. Like at work when i want to help a patient my caring what others think always gets in the way. Like i am afraid of asking questions and appearing dopy partly because people say i am dopy and also because ive been told i ask stuff that i should know already. I feel that i never really know something until ive found out as much as i can though hence the asking. But yea I think i focus way too much on myself which might be part of the problem.Anyway yea i get what you are saying in that if you put effort into something you truely care about you will not be focusing on yourself/inadequecies all the time but instead in the task. Thanks I'l try and do this. The thing that i care about more than anything is animals really and suffering Id wish to end it but ive kind of blanked it out most of my life as i dont like seeing crudlty etc. The second thing i care about is more self centered as id just like to be as fit, healthy and strong as i can lol.

Ahaha! People always called me dopy too! I've the worst memory for facts and this is really obvious if I'm in an environment that requires I can recall the facts. Over time you'll find ways of moving yourself into places that appreciate your strengths and don't kick a fuss over things that don't come naturally. Like how I'm writing about schooling/education (my ONE Positive is around communication and real connection between people and my work in in education because there is allot of system issues there that shuts this down and generally makes people feel needlessly miserable) and I've made connections with other people who help me with the things I can't do; they help because we're all wanting the same good outcomes. Like one lady who I adore will check what I write for holes and things that would make me look silly if I went and published them - that's what she loves doing. She's super happy that I'm acknowledging her strength and she enjoys the way I pull different concepts together to paint new metaphors. We look after each other because we care about something bigger than celebrities and TV. I've not met her yet, but will see her at a conference in Nov. Think she's in her 60's, but age doesn't matter when you'r doing something with purpose. Look harder at what you see (that others don't) with animals. It's natural to blank out what you care about because there's a macro-message of 'there's no point, nobodies like me can't do anything!' so, rather than look and feel helpless -this is too painful- we blank it out and try to live a normal life. Usually needing some form of sedative (silly TV shows, smoking, alcohol etc) to help us forget. I first stated looking at my one positive less than a year ago now; before then I'd blanked it out too and had no idea what the point was of a life focused on doing jobs to pay the bills- meh. When I first started looking hard at the thing I'd been trying to ignore, it was the first time I'd cried about pain in the world- before then I was too numb. I'd cry for maybe half an hour, while thinking about what one small thing I could do to help. then I'd have an idea, laugh, and do it. Most of my first ideas were about writing; in a journal and trying to publish articles on my perspective. That's where things started. Now I'm getting paid to write articles on edu conferences and invited to speak in front of teachers. It's crazy! Less than a year! It's been so 'good scary' and I no longer feel like a useless waste of space in the world - highly recommend trying this :smile:

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 13

Maid Marian

20

I can really relate to you and I used to be very bitter about it in my young teens! I managed to get rid of those feelings by distancing myself even more from people so that I didn't even want to be friends with them anymore. It's really tough when you're someone who nobody ever gravitates towards and you're always left on your own. I've never been able to put my finger on it exactly why. Just focus on being independent and not *needing* anybody. I'm naturally a needy person but I think most people have no idea because I keep to myself so much! It's when I open up to people that I start getting needy - so I would say, don't open up to anybody and accept that you have to be alone. The worst thing really is neediness and certainly no one wants to be friends with someone like that.

I am still bitter sometimes but there's no point crying about it.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 14

Leah K Stewart

7

Original post by Anonymous

Anyway yea i get what you are saying in that if you put effort into something you truely care about you will not be focusing on yourself/inadequecies all the time but instead in the task. Thanks I'l try and do this. The thing that i care about more than anything is animals really and suffering Id wish to end it but ive kind of blanked it out most of my life as i dont like seeing crudlty etc. The second thing i care about is more self centered as id just like to be as fit, healthy and strong as i can lol.

Animals? Hopefully TED-talk links are OK in here (as I can't PM this to you) - Admins, if this isn't OK please remove/edit this one. Check this out: http://www.ted.com/talks/seth_godin_on_the_tribes_we_lead The first story might interest you.