Freshers Week struggles

So I started on Tuesday and it was obviously an extreme culture shock for everyone and it was all a bit awkward but now a few days have gone by and I feel like everyone else is settling in a lot better than I am. I'm not exactly homesick I'm just struggling to make new friends and it seems like everyone else has already found friends to hangout with.

There's a Bop tonight but I have no one to go with and I don't fancy getting drunk with a bunch of people I don't know yet because I just feel like that isn't very safe and I'm not that much of a drinker to be honest. Therein lies another problem-some freshers are judging me because I haven't been going out drinking. For several years I've struggled with anxiety and depression and whilst it has never significantly affected my academic performance, I'm really worried that its going to affect my social life here. I've signed up for many different societies but my anxiety might end up preventing me from going.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just guess I want to know from older undergrads how long it took them to settle in and make actual friends? Is it ok to stay in during freshers week and not drink? with it being Oxford I've already been given an essay to write for next week and it's hard to juggle these freshers events with trying to get a head start on my work. Some of the support staff have told me that loads of the freshers feel this way but from my room looking down on the quad it's looking a lot like everyone has gone out drinking and like I'm the only one staying in.

Reply 1

Plagioclase

21

Original post by LexieBug16

So I started on Tuesday and it was obviously an extreme culture shock for everyone and it was all a bit awkward but now a few days have gone by and I feel like everyone else is settling in a lot better than I am. I'm not exactly homesick I'm just struggling to make new friends and it seems like everyone else has already found friends to hangout with.

There's a Bop tonight but I have no one to go with and I don't fancy getting drunk with a bunch of people I don't know yet because I just feel like that isn't very safe and I'm not that much of a drinker to be honest. Therein lies another problem-some freshers are judging me because I haven't been going out drinking. For several years I've struggled with anxiety and depression and whilst it has never significantly affected my academic performance, I'm really worried that its going to affect my social life here. I've signed up for many different societies but my anxiety might end up preventing me from going.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just guess I want to know from older undergrads how long it took them to settle in and make actual friends? Is it ok to stay in during freshers week and not drink? with it being Oxford I've already been given an essay to write for next week and it's hard to juggle these freshers events with trying to get a head start on my work. Some of the support staff have told me that loads of the freshers feel this way but from my room looking down on the quad it's looking a lot like everyone has gone out drinking and like I'm the only one staying in.

I'm in a fairly similar position I think, I've been keeping to myself generally this week and haven't been to any of the big activities because that's not really my thing - so there definitely are other people like you! I definitely do agree, it does feel a bit strange being by yourself whenever everyone else is out together, making friends but I think this is probably mainly an artefact of fresher's week, once you actually start your work properly next week and you spend more time with others in an academic environment, it might get easier to get to know people. I have also been reassured (indeed, the principal of my college even said this in his speech) that it seriously is not a problem if you haven't made strong friendships in this week and other older students have said that too so I suppose we just need to trust that they know what they're talking about!

Reply 2

The_Lonely_Goatherd

20

Original post by LexieBug16

So I started on Tuesday and it was obviously an extreme culture shock for everyone and it was all a bit awkward but now a few days have gone by and I feel like everyone else is settling in a lot better than I am. I'm not exactly homesick I'm just struggling to make new friends and it seems like everyone else has already found friends to hangout with.

There's a Bop tonight but I have no one to go with and I don't fancy getting drunk with a bunch of people I don't know yet because I just feel like that isn't very safe and I'm not that much of a drinker to be honest. Therein lies another problem-some freshers are judging me because I haven't been going out drinking. For several years I've struggled with anxiety and depression and whilst it has never significantly affected my academic performance, I'm really worried that its going to affect my social life here. I've signed up for many different societies but my anxiety might end up preventing me from going.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just guess I want to know from older undergrads how long it took them to settle in and make actual friends? Is it ok to stay in during freshers week and not drink? with it being Oxford I've already been given an essay to write for next week and it's hard to juggle these freshers events with trying to get a head start on my work. Some of the support staff have told me that loads of the freshers feel this way but from my room looking down on the quad it's looking a lot like everyone has gone out drinking and like I'm the only one staying in.

Helloooo! Oxford alumna here to give sagely pearls of wisdom :shakecane:

Firstly, I'm really sorry that it hasn't started off the way you might have hoped or envisaged. Please let me reassure you that it is PERFECTLY possible to go through Freshers' Week without drinking. Your college should have some events that aren't based around alcohol organised for teetotal freshers - does your college not have these? If so, I'd put in a complaint at some point because there really ought to be alcohol-free events each night or at least every other night, for you to get involved with. No one worth your time and effort should judge you for not drinking. People don't drink for a variety of reasons, after all!

I'm also sorry to hear that you've suffered from depression and anxiety in the past. Please do tap into Oxford's vast support systems as soon as you feel you might need them. There is absolutely no shame in reaching out and asking for help and the sooner you do this, the better! Are you in touch with the disability office and have you applied for/had an assessment for Disabled Students' Allowance? I hope you have, and that you know who to turn to in college should things continue to prove difficult. You mention talking to support staff already though - that's really good and promising! :hugs:

Do you mind me asking (I'm presuming you don't wanna identify your college or course?): are you doing a 'big' subject (say, 6 or more people in your year in your college), or a 'small' subject (5 people or less in your year in your college)? Have you met any of your coursemates yet from your college? Or any of the older year people doing your course? If not, I would prioritise trying to find them and pronto. This can admittedly take longer than one might expect - I think it took me a good three days to finally meet one of my two tutorial partners (the other one was, handily, living next door to me and I knew straightaway that he was a muso coz his mum was kicking up a fuss about how he didn't have a piano or electric keyboard in his room, lol).

As for how I found Freshers' Week - I was lucky in that my tutorial partner was living next door and I just kinda clung to him like a leech as he went round meeting new people :colondollar:

I'm chronically shy and also suffered from mild mental health problems at the start of my degree, so it was easier to do that. I made some "friends" in Freshers' Week but do I still talk to any of them now, aside from my tutorial partner? I can only think of one who I am still in touch with. I guess what I am trying to say is that whilst some people make firm friendships from day 1 and those last the whole degree and beyond, most people find their good uni buddies much further down the line. The people I am closest to now (tute partners aside) are people I only got to really know properly in my second year! :eek:

Lastly, I pinky promise you there are SO many freshers in your college feeling the same way you do, there really are! (Even if it doesn't seem like it or no one else admits to it.)

TLG's top tips for making friends in your Oxford college

1. Just strike up random conversations with anyone else you notice who is standing by themselves or looking unconfident. Questions can be really basic: what's your name? Where are you from? Where are you living in college? What subject are you reading?

2. Find some way to wedge your door open when you are in your room - that way people can see you're in there and may feel like popping in to say hi, or to borrow something off you!

3. Try and join in at least one or two of the 'tamer' social events. Even if it's an event with alcohol, that doesn't mean you have to drink. I spent three years going to bars and pubs with my friend drinking nothing but Coke (or Pimms in the summer coz I like going punting with Pimms :colondollar:

). It's doable! :smile: