Struggling with faith and identity (Muslim)

I understand some of how you feel.
Exploring your own beliefs, gaining more understanding of history & religious traditions, deciding your ambitions and the future life that you want- all these will significantly contribute towards your personality and the identity that you choose.

No human is perfect, always right, omnipotent or has an automatic monopoly on 'true religion'.
Don't allow anyone to harass you to obey them or impose their venom upon you.
Nor make you feel inferior or ashamed that your opinions, personal priorities or practice of religion is different to theirs.

You have accumulated so much valuable life experience that will be very helpful to you in the future.
It may also enable you to provide crucial support to other people too.
Good luck!

I was in a similar situation having an existential crisis but then Alhamdulillah I got guided on the right path and started reading Tafseer and that has helped quite a lot. Just don’t let Shaitaan get to you. And I hope and pray everything turns out alright. This life is a test. So everything good or bad that happens, the reaction you have to it is what really matters. It’s like in real life, when you do a test, and pass and do well there are 2 options. 1. You think you’ve achieved it all and become overconfident and forget about the rest of the tests or 2. You can take it as extra motivation and study harder for the next test to maintain that good score. Now on the flip side when you fail a test there are also 2 options. 1. You just give up and flunk all the rest of your tests and lose motivation or 2. You can actually ignore what has happened, learn from your mistakes and keep faith so that you can do better in the next test. Now substitute the school tests with life because at the end of the day your life is a series of tests and the result is what happens in the hereafter. No one can ever be perfect but the least we can do is try to come up to a decent level. Religion isn’t about praying 5 times a day and you expect everything to go well. Islam is a way of life and around every corner there is a test. The more tests you pass the closer you get to success in this life and the hereafter. What you are going through right now is also a test. Use Ramadan as a reset button and start following the religion again because I swear to you there is a certain enjoyment when you pass those tests of life.

I hope you have understood a little I have said if you feel like you need to read things for a better understanding pls feel to pm me.

Over the last few years I really tried to be a better Muslim. I was taught that this religion was from God, the Quran was His literal, unchanged word, and everything that happened was because of His will. To be fair, I had some unhealthy religious thinking growing up e.g. correlating the quality of life with my relationship with God - for example, if I wasn't doing too well in school or sport then sometimes interpreting that as God punishing me for my sins or not being a good Muslim. In Sixth Form was when I started to take Islam more seriously and began praying 5 times a day and on time and improving my character hoping God would be pleased with me and let me do a good degree at a good uni. In Y12 I went on a pilgrimage to Mecca with family and made the same prayers. But after that was when everything went downhill. I didn't know what was going on at the time, but I think the spirituality I had on the pilgrimage was so intense that I had some sort of involuntary awakening and my ego that was tethering me to the material world dissolved and I lost all my motivation for life. Unfortunately I was still in school and was suffering as I couldn't motivate myself and had to rely on the faith to motivate me but this never really worked and I felt like I didn't even have free will. I was still trying to be a good Muslim and praying to do well academically but due to motivation I couldn't get into uni and took a gap year to re-sit. Again my motivation was extremely low and I couldn't re-sit but wanted to go to uni so found an alternative route in. At uni the motivation was still low and then it got to a point last Summer where I couldn't take it anymore and was having doubts about the religion even being true. I started researching the primary sources in more detail and found a lot of holes in the Quran and Hadith that I couldn't make sense of. Eventually I lost all my belief in the religion. Once this happened I noticed my ego/motivation slowly returned until it became back to normal. I got so depressed thinking I'd wasted so much time, that my prayers and fasts didn't even mean anything anymore, wishing I didn't go on that pilgrimage. The thing is now I don't know who I am anymore or what to do. I believe that all religions are man-made and not sure if there is a God or what happens after death but to do believe in some kind of higher power or intelligence. Still I identify as a Muslim for cultural reasons and went to Friday prayer recently. For me Islam is a subjective experience now and more about spirituality and connecting to something greater than myself when I pray. I don't think about preparing for the afterlife or sin or whether God is pleased with me. Religion is for me now. Still it is all a bit confusing ; I don't really pray at all now and is more when I feel like it yet I don't feel like a proper Muslim. Not sure what I'm going to this this Ramadan either. Suppose what I'm trying to say is what is life? Is it just about doing as much good as you possibly can and chasing as much happiness as possible - and where does religion fall into that? Rambling a lot here but just not sure what to do.....

Over the last few years I really tried to be a better Muslim. I was taught that this religion was from God, the Quran was His literal, unchanged word, and everything that happened was because of His will. To be fair, I had some unhealthy religious thinking growing up e.g. correlating the quality of life with my relationship with God - for example, if I wasn't doing too well in school or sport then sometimes interpreting that as God punishing me for my sins or not being a good Muslim. In Sixth Form was when I started to take Islam more seriously and began praying 5 times a day and on time and improving my character hoping God would be pleased with me and let me do a good degree at a good uni. In Y12 I went on a pilgrimage to Mecca with family and made the same prayers. But after that was when everything went downhill. I didn't know what was going on at the time, but I think the spirituality I had on the pilgrimage was so intense that I had some sort of involuntary awakening and my ego that was tethering me to the material world dissolved and I lost all my motivation for life. Unfortunately I was still in school and was suffering as I couldn't motivate myself and had to rely on the faith to motivate me but this never really worked and I felt like I didn't even have free will. I was still trying to be a good Muslim and praying to do well academically but due to motivation I couldn't get into uni and took a gap year to re-sit. Again my motivation was extremely low and I couldn't re-sit but wanted to go to uni so found an alternative route in. At uni the motivation was still low and then it got to a point last Summer where I couldn't take it anymore and was having doubts about the religion even being true. I started researching the primary sources in more detail and found a lot of holes in the Quran and Hadith that I couldn't make sense of. Eventually I lost all my belief in the religion. Once this happened I noticed my ego/motivation slowly returned until it became back to normal. I got so depressed thinking I'd wasted so much time, that my prayers and fasts didn't even mean anything anymore, wishing I didn't go on that pilgrimage. The thing is now I don't know who I am anymore or what to do. I believe that all religions are man-made and not sure if there is a God or what happens after death but to do believe in some kind of higher power or intelligence. Still I identify as a Muslim for cultural reasons and went to Friday prayer recently. For me Islam is a subjective experience now and more about spirituality and connecting to something greater than myself when I pray. I don't think about preparing for the afterlife or sin or whether God is pleased with me. Religion is for me now. Still it is all a bit confusing ; I don't really pray at all now and is more when I feel like it yet I don't feel like a proper Muslim. Not sure what I'm going to this this Ramadan either. Suppose what I'm trying to say is what is life? Is it just about doing as much good as you possibly can and chasing as much happiness as possible - and where does religion fall into that? Rambling a lot here but just not sure what to do.....

Salam, I had gone through a similar experience in the past when I was in year 9. For me, watching YouTubers like Mohammed Hijab, TalkIslam and Shaykh Hamza Yusuf really convinced me intellectually of Islam. There does come a point in life where you don't just accept it anymore, especially growing up in the West, and if you are not convinced then you most likely will eventually drop it. Mohammed Hijab, Subboor Ahmed, Imran Hussein and Hamza Tzortzis showed me why atheism/scientism was flawed, why there had to be one God, and why the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him was genuinely the final Messenger sent by this Creator God to mankind. Hijab and Sh Yusuf also awakened my eyes to our rich scholarly and cultural history, of the great Muslim scientists, philosophers, theologians and jurists of the past. These things all helped me to feel a connection to the authenticity of the Qur'an. I'm in Year 13 now and my belief in the authenticity of Islam is so genuine, alhamdulillah (all praise belongs to Allah). In the last year over lockdown, starting to seek knowledge properly has helped me too, and learning the translations of the salah (prayer), reading the Qur'an in English, and learning about the preservation of the Qur'an and Hadith has really helped me to see the divine hand in this religion. Feel free to ask me to expand on any of this as it's a brief summary, I'd be interested to hear what kind of things broke down your faith as I feel as though I've dealt with any major doubts I've had over the last few years.

Im 100% sure it was the religion, Ik what was happening in my mind after I came back from Umrah. I'm not blaming or scapegoating it, I think it's a beautiful religion and in some ways made me a better person, I'm just saying academically it was causing problems.

As for duas, I'm asking Allah to guide me, give me a sign to show me Islam is the path - I haven't received anything as of yet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7xoASkTMfU
This video’s a bit long but will answer your questions a 100%

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jYYcUFFqu0
This is just to make you realised how you’ve been blessed. Maybe not in the ways that you wanted to be blessed but nevertheless you are blessed. Always look at people beneath you and never above you. We should be thankful that Allah gave you the capability to go to school. 1000’s of kids don’t go to school. You’ve been blessed. 1000’s of kids are orphans and don’t have parents. You’ve been blessed. 1000’s of kids are homeless. You’ve been blessed. Sometimes we focus on certain things so much that we don’t realise the bigger picture. Just as an example, as you say you felt like Allah was punishing you in certain ways, if Allah really wanted to punish you he could’ve just said “Kun” and you would’ve seized to exist. But he cares about you. In Arabic when the number 70 is used it refers to a huge number/ a number that can’t be counted because it’s so large. Allah loves you 70 times more than your own mother. You think your mum would want to see you shudder. Of course not so think about these things. I really hope you watch the videos.

Thanks, it was mainly a combination of the following:
1. Certain hadith in sahih bukhari which didn't seem to befit the character of the Prophet
2. Certain verses in the Quran that made it seem man-made (judaeo-christian folklore rehashed)
3. Preservation of the Quran