Can Muslim women approach men’s family for marriage
From the perspective of a Muslim, do u think it’s ok for the woman’s family to approach/contact the man’s family to bring up the topic of marriage between the two rather than the normal men and/or their family approaching the woman’s?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum (who is a white revert) if she can contact his mum instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum (who is a white revert) if she can contact his mum instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Missami1
From the perspective of a Muslim, do u think it’s ok for the woman’s family to approach/contact the man’s family to bring up the topic of marriage between the two rather than the normal men and/or their family approaching the woman’s?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum if she can contact his mum (who is a white revert) instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum if she can contact his mum (who is a white revert) instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
I really don't understand this cultural phenomenon where parents want the elder siblings to get married first, it's so unnecessary, what if the older sibling wants to get married in a decade..., like why does the younger sibling who's ready to marry have to be inconvenienced. Just make dua sis and keep on trying, Insha'Allah his family will change their mind about this. It's best to get married early (imo) if you have found someone that you're compatible with Islamically and personality wise as it can help avoid fitna and you'll also have a companion by your side. I hope this works out for you sis, may your patience be rewarded, ameen❤️.
Original post by Missami1
From the perspective of a Muslim, do u think it’s ok for the woman’s family to approach/contact the man’s family to bring up the topic of marriage between the two rather than the normal men and/or their family approaching the woman’s?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum if she can contact his mum (who is a white revert) instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum if she can contact his mum (who is a white revert) instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
If possible maybe try and get your mum to talk to his mum about the Islamic benefits of marriage and how many blessings it can bring and maybe introduce her to any families where a younger sibling has married first. Imo there's nothing wrong with the woman's family approaching the man's family first as long as everything is done Islamically but some people might feel differently about this due to cultural norms and other stuff. I'm not sure about your second question (sorry about that). This link might help, it's a short but beneficial video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdY_yk3V1rQ.
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Semiha(t)
I really don't understand this cultural phenomenon where parents want the elder siblings to get married first, it's so unnecessary, what if the older sibling wants to get married in a decade..., like why does the younger sibling who's ready to marry have to be inconvenienced.
It relates to a culture in which arranged marriage is the norm, and where children get married according to their parents’ plans rather than their own. Marrying someone because you have got to know them and love them personally just isn’t a thing.
In such a culture, if a younger sibling gets married earlier than an elder one (especially if they're the same gender, or if the elder one is female and the younger is male), people will assume there must be something wrong with the elder one as the parents weren’t able to get them married first. That’s because it’s taken as a given that the parents would naturally search for a spouse for the elder sibling first.
It may even be assumed that the person getting married to the younger sibling was a spouse that the parents originally found for the elder sibling, but that they must have rejected the elder one in favour of the younger one.
That can end up making it more difficult later on for the elder sibling to ever get married (via the arranged marriage system), and they’d eventually start to be seen as a leftover.
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Semiha(t)
I really don't understand this cultural phenomenon where parents want the elder siblings to get married first, it's so unnecessary, what if the older sibling wants to get married in a decade..., like why does the younger sibling who's ready to marry have to be inconvenienced. Just make dua sis and keep on trying, Insha'Allah his family will change their mind about this. It's best to get married early (imo) if you have found someone that you're compatible with Islamically and personality wise as it can help avoid fitna and you'll also have a companion by your side. I hope this works out for you sis, may your patience be rewarded, ameen❤️.
Exactly, and the thing is he was engaged for 3 years prior to this and his family had no problem! I find it so unfair how his mum has suddenly took control over it when his sister doesn’t even want to get married! I’m just so confused about it, I told him to get his auntie to speak to his mum as she’s got a close relationship with him and is happy for us but his Mum still wudnt consider it…
I agree with the getting married early, honestly if i cud I wudve got married 3 months into speaking we’ve both known were the ones we want to marry since then, it’s been almost a year now and I’m getting tired of waiting for our families to do something it’s not good Islamically for us to be speaking this long with nothing being done just becuz of stupid cultural beliefs
Original post by tazarooni89
It relates to a culture in which arranged marriage is the norm, and where children get married according to their parents’ plans rather than their own. Marrying someone because you have got to know them and love them personally just isn’t a thing.
In such a culture, if a younger sibling gets married earlier than an older one (of the same gender), people will assume there must be something wrong with the older one as the parents weren’t able to get them married first. That’s because it’s taken as a given that the parents would naturally search for a spouse for the elder sibling first.
It may even be assumed that the person getting married to the younger sibling was a spouse that the parents originally found for the elder sibling, but that they must have rejected the elder one in favour of the younger one.
That can end up making it more difficult later on for the elder sibling to ever get married (via the arranged marriage system). they’d eventually start to be seen as a leftover.
In such a culture, if a younger sibling gets married earlier than an older one (of the same gender), people will assume there must be something wrong with the older one as the parents weren’t able to get them married first. That’s because it’s taken as a given that the parents would naturally search for a spouse for the elder sibling first.
It may even be assumed that the person getting married to the younger sibling was a spouse that the parents originally found for the elder sibling, but that they must have rejected the elder one in favour of the younger one.
That can end up making it more difficult later on for the elder sibling to ever get married (via the arranged marriage system). they’d eventually start to be seen as a leftover.
I can understand this now uve explained it but it’s just weird since 1. His sister isn’t interested in marriage and his family aren’t arranging one for her (if she was going to get married she’d find the guy on her own) and 2. he was literally engaged to his ex for 3 years prior to now and his family was fine with it, literally his mum was taking her our wedding dress shopping and everything getting it ready…we just don’t understand why she’s suddenly changed her mind, she set up a whole family meeting to say they’re focussing on his sister getting married first and until then he can’t get married, and she’s not even considering speaking to my mum
Bump
If anyone knows any Islamic advice pages or videos on it can u send the links, I’ve tried looking but can’t find any on the topic of the title, hoping to find something so I can send it to my mum
I know there’s a Hadith about a woman approaching the prophet for marriage but my mum basically thinks that an exception cuz he’s the prophet (basically perfect in everything)
If anyone knows any Islamic advice pages or videos on it can u send the links, I’ve tried looking but can’t find any on the topic of the title, hoping to find something so I can send it to my mum
I know there’s a Hadith about a woman approaching the prophet for marriage but my mum basically thinks that an exception cuz he’s the prophet (basically perfect in everything)
This sounds more cultural than religious, possibly connected with family customs or asian tribal traditions.
If he is serious about marriage, he can directly approach your father.
Or any practicing male relative/close friend than you and your mother agree to direct discussions with.
He does not need his mother's permission or approval to get engaged and married to you, although in practice he and you probably prefer to have it.
If he is serious about marriage, he can directly approach your father.
Or any practicing male relative/close friend than you and your mother agree to direct discussions with.
He does not need his mother's permission or approval to get engaged and married to you, although in practice he and you probably prefer to have it.
Original post by Missami1
I can understand this now uve explained it but it’s just weird since 1. His sister isn’t interested in marriage and his family aren’t arranging one for her (if she was going to get married she’d find the guy on her own) and 2. he was literally engaged to his ex for 3 years prior to now and his family was fine with it, literally his mum was taking her our wedding dress shopping and everything getting it ready…we just don’t understand why she’s suddenly changed her mind, she set up a whole family meeting to say they’re focussing on his sister getting married first and until then he can’t get married, and she’s not even considering speaking to my mum
Well to be honest this is why I never agree with following anything blindly just because “it’s the culture”, especially for people who have since migrated to different countries and live in a different environment now. Cultures develop to suit a particular social context at a particular time… but times always change.
If this was Pakistan 100 years ago, there would be no such thing as “his sister isn’t interested in marriage” or “she’d find the guy on her own” etc. and the way they’re behaving would make sense for that situation. Even the fact that you’re expecting your mothers to talk to each other to “arrange” the marriage is more befitting of a more old fashioned, Pakistani social context. But the fact that you’ve both chosen each other and have your own views on when to get married is more of a modern, western thing. It’s very difficult to mix and match.
Unless you’re willing to take matters into your own hands and get married regardless of what either of your parents say, I don’t really see much else you can do about it.
Original post by londonmyst
This sounds more cultural than religious, possibly connected with family customs or asian tribal traditions.
If he is serious about marriage, he can directly approach your father.
Or any practicing male relative/close friend than you and your mother agree to direct discussions with.
He does not need his mother's permission or approval to get engaged and married to you, although in practice he and you probably prefer to have it.
If he is serious about marriage, he can directly approach your father.
Or any practicing male relative/close friend than you and your mother agree to direct discussions with.
He does not need his mother's permission or approval to get engaged and married to you, although in practice he and you probably prefer to have it.
I don’t have any male figures he can approach hence why I’m trying to get our mothers into contact, just makes it so much harder
Original post by Missami1
I don’t have any male figures he can approach hence why I’m trying to get our mothers into contact, just makes it so much harder
Ignore the two mothers having contact with each other.
If the two of you want to get married in the uk within the next 1-3 years, just agree with him to come meet your mother and receive her approval & agreement for him to marry you.
Within a set time span or when a specific milestone is met (e.g. when both of you have graduated and one is working full time).
Then the two of you and your mother if she is willing & you want to involve her can start making the wedding planning arrangements.
Get married at a religious premises where all the islamic marriages are legally valid and the faith leaders are all trained registrars authorised to perform recognised ceremonies.
Whatever you do, do not wait years for a legal marriage or for his mother to change her mind about waiting until his sister is married.
Put your own ambitions and happiness as a couple first.
Good luck!
Original post by londonmyst
Ignore the two mothers having contact with each other.
If the two of you want to get married in the uk within the next 1-3 years, just agree with him to come meet your mother and receive her approval & agreement for him to marry you.
Within a set time span or when a specific milestone is met (e.g. when both of you have graduated and one is working full time).
Then the two of you and your mother if she is willing & you want to involve her can start making the wedding planning arrangements.
Get married at a religious premises where all the islamic marriages are legally valid and the faith leaders are all trained registrars authorised to perform recognised ceremonies.
Whatever you do, do not wait years for a legal marriage or for his mother to change her mind about waiting until his sister is married.
Put your own ambitions and happiness as a couple first.
Good luck!
If the two of you want to get married in the uk within the next 1-3 years, just agree with him to come meet your mother and receive her approval & agreement for him to marry you.
Within a set time span or when a specific milestone is met (e.g. when both of you have graduated and one is working full time).
Then the two of you and your mother if she is willing & you want to involve her can start making the wedding planning arrangements.
Get married at a religious premises where all the islamic marriages are legally valid and the faith leaders are all trained registrars authorised to perform recognised ceremonies.
Whatever you do, do not wait years for a legal marriage or for his mother to change her mind about waiting until his sister is married.
Put your own ambitions and happiness as a couple first.
Good luck!
My mum is the one who wants to meet and talk to his mum, so she can verify what he is like etc, to her he’s just a random guy he cud come and lie about anything eg his character, in Islam u shud speak to ppl close to the suitor like family and friends to speak about these things as they know him best
I don’t want to wait I’m being forced to wait becuz of both our mothers
He’s close to his family and when I marry him I’ll be moving in with them, we can’t just keep them out of the whole process since we are both young (20 and 22), obviously if we was a lot older (35+) this family stuff wudnt be an issue as there’s no reason for a guys family to be involved
so the only thing at this point I can do is wait and that very well cud be years as I don’t know what else to do
(edited 1 year ago)
May Allāh put ease into your situation and bless you with a righteous husband.
With regards to a woman offering herself for marriage to a man, the scholars have mentioned that it is permissible based on the Hadeeth that you mentioned. An article can be found here for more details: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/20916/is-it-permissible-for-a-muslim-woman-to-ask-a-muslim-man-to-marry-her
I just wanted to point out that you have fallen into error by not getting the acceptance of both parties straight away and the effects of this are now apparent. By speaking to this man prior to the acceptance of both parties, it is likely you have become attached to this man and this has left you in a difficult situation. It is upon the two who want to get married to have the consent of the woman's wali (male Muslim guardian, see here https://islamqa.info/en/answers/208700/she-does-not-have-any-wali-guardian-for-the-purpose-of-marriage-can-the-director-of-the-islamic-centre-or-her-maternal-uncle-give-her-in-marriage) before getting to know each other. I hope you now understand this to prevent something like this in the future from happening and to let those around you know.
Also, the man can get married without his parents approval if they are preventing him from getting married without a legitimate excuse, and in your situation it is not a legitimate excuse (sister must get married first), at all. However, it is advisable that the man does convince his parents to let him marry you, as part of honouring one's parents and preventing conflict with them.
If you have any more questions, I would be happy to help.
With regards to a woman offering herself for marriage to a man, the scholars have mentioned that it is permissible based on the Hadeeth that you mentioned. An article can be found here for more details: https://islamqa.info/en/answers/20916/is-it-permissible-for-a-muslim-woman-to-ask-a-muslim-man-to-marry-her
I just wanted to point out that you have fallen into error by not getting the acceptance of both parties straight away and the effects of this are now apparent. By speaking to this man prior to the acceptance of both parties, it is likely you have become attached to this man and this has left you in a difficult situation. It is upon the two who want to get married to have the consent of the woman's wali (male Muslim guardian, see here https://islamqa.info/en/answers/208700/she-does-not-have-any-wali-guardian-for-the-purpose-of-marriage-can-the-director-of-the-islamic-centre-or-her-maternal-uncle-give-her-in-marriage) before getting to know each other. I hope you now understand this to prevent something like this in the future from happening and to let those around you know.
Also, the man can get married without his parents approval if they are preventing him from getting married without a legitimate excuse, and in your situation it is not a legitimate excuse (sister must get married first), at all. However, it is advisable that the man does convince his parents to let him marry you, as part of honouring one's parents and preventing conflict with them.
If you have any more questions, I would be happy to help.
Original post by Missami1
From the perspective of a Muslim, do u think it’s ok for the woman’s family to approach/contact the man’s family to bring up the topic of marriage between the two rather than the normal men and/or their family approaching the woman’s?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum (who is a white revert) if she can contact his mum instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
From an ethnic Pakistani standpoint, is this also ok or is it seen as dishonourable/weird I guess?
********
Personal background info: basically the guy I have been speaking to told his (Pakistani) family about me and wants to marry me, but his mother told him no, u have to wait until ur sister is married. So I asked my mum (who is a white revert) if she can contact his mum instead, she said no, the man’s family have to contact the women’s for marriage, it’s not right to do it the other way both Islamically and in Pakistani culture and she refuses to contact them, so now we’re both stuck and don’t know what to do
To me I don’t understand this logic especially in this day and age, not to mention his family are very westernised so why is it a problem?
(edited 1 year ago)
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