Marraige advice - how to progress things with a girl

I am a 26 year old muslim man and I need some advice on how to progress things with an muslim girl I met. Whenever we see each other we strike up a convo etc and she likes discussing her plans with me etc and always seems friendly. How can I progress things with her or find out if she is ready for marraige without being direct or weired about it? Whenever I see her it is busy and I dont know if asking for her social media etc is the best way to go about it?

Reply 1

I7V

Original post by Anonymous

You shouldn't talk unnecessarily with a woman before marriage and especially not in private (including social media), may Allaah bless you. You need to ask those around her and enquire about her religious commitment and manners. I am not sure how you can find this out about someone who you barely know about and don't know their background. You can see why this is may be quite a difficult process in your situation, which is exactly why marrying through mutual connections is superior to marrying some random person that you see. I would suggest that you consider asking your family members if they know people who are looking for marriage or ask your righteous Muslim friends if they know anyone looking for marriage. This process is much simpler and easier.

After finding a suitor that you have heard good news about, then you should get in contact with her father so that he can see if you are suitable for his daughter. The permission of the father is crucial as the Prophet ﷺ said: "Any woman who gets married without the permission of her guardian (waliyy), then her marriage is invalid." He repeated it three times. [Reported by Abu Dawood, no. 2083. Ibn Mājah, no. 1879. At-Tirmidhee, no. 1102. Abu ‘Awānah in his Musnad, no. 4259. Ibn Hibbān, no. 7074. Al-Hākim, 2/168-169. The hadeeth is authentic] After this, he can arrange for you to meet his daughter so that you can look at each other and talk to her in order to see if you want to marry each other. The point is that you want to minimise interaction as much as possible until marriage.

As for asking for her social media and messaging her to 'get to know her', then you are throwing yourselves into destruction. You may find out that she doesn't want to get married or her father doesn't allow you to marry his daughter but at this point you catch deep feelings for each other and inevitably fall into haraam actions.

Finally, I suggest that you study the rulings pertaining to marriage and learn the rights of both the husband and wife according to the Sharee'ah. You should ensure that the woman you marry also knows these rights so that you do not oppress each other due to ignorance of the Sharee'ah. Do not marry someone just because they are beautiful and a Muslimah, regardless if she is righteous or not. You must pay attention to her religious commitment as the Prophet ﷺ said (meaning): "A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper)." [al-Bukhaari (4802), Muslim (1466)] So if you are drawn to this woman merely because of her beauty and not because you know her religious commitment, then you should reconsider this.

Reply 2

londonmyst

Do you know whether the girl is single and has ambitions that involve marriage in her future?
If so, whether her family have a history of arranged marriage to relatives?
Have you ever chatted with her about your own future plans to get married or have a family?

You need to find out whether she is single and willing to consider the possibility of marriage to someone of your background & personal values.
Then get to know her so that you are very familiar with her personality, habits, family background and the family culture so that you will be able to determine whether there is enough compatibility with your own ambitions & family background for a good chance of building a happy marriage.

Trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Be friendly and honest with her .
But be crystal clear about both your intentions and your timescale so that there is no room for any misunderstandings.
Above all, politely move on very promptly if it becomes clear that she is not interested or has incompatible ambitions/dealbreakers/close family members.