AQA GCSE English literature - power and conflict

can someone please mark my power and conflict essay out of 30 please?

hey so i did edexcel for gcse eng, but i did their power and conflict collection for the poetry, and im also doing eng lit at a level now so i wouldnt mind having a look over it and giving some feedback

Introduction:
Nice start, short and sharp, gets to the point.
"...war as futile that causes..." would be phrased better as "...war as futile, causing..."
"...both poets explore this in different ways: ..." rather than saying poem 1 being xyz and poem 2 being abc, perhaps could say "presented through the use of xyz in poem 1 and abc in poem 2"
Could give one short example for a couple extra marks, such as "poem 1 shows xyz in many ways, such as [...], to show the harsh realities of conflict".

First point:
Very strong opening sentence, good!
"Tennyson and Armitage both presents..." lose the 's' at the end of 'presents'
"...repetition of 'half a league' that gives..." could change the word 'that' to 'which' to sound slightly more academic
Second sentence could be rearranged to sound more academic to get more marks, so e.g. "the repetition of "half a league" at the start of Tennyson's poem evokes the sound of horses hooves in the readers mind, suggesting that, like the herd of galloping horses, the conflict is unstoppable."
Third sentence is nice and strong.
"...criticising the 'blunder' and the carelessness..." remove the second 'the' so it's "criticising the blunder and carelessness"
"...carelessness of the government which..." between 'government' and 'which' wither place a comma or start a new sentence by saying "this eventually leads..."
"...'mouth of hell' which suggests..." place a comma before 'which'
"...their misfortune and their constant suffering..." again, only 'their' needed, so remove the second one
"...important story to readers..." the 'to readers' is not needed
"...to ensure that the mistake by the government" this sentence structure is a bit overcomplicated. Would be clearer as "...to ensure the government's mistake"
"Similarly, in Remains" this sentence is nice
Next two sentences are also fine, I like the phrasing "uses extremely graphic images"
Next two sentences, good detailed analysis of the quote, breaking it up and analysing words on their own will get marks which we want
Final two sentences are nice and clear, sharp and to the point which is nice, but you've repeated "this clearly" at the start of both sentences, so I would suggest changing one of them to a synonym so that you're not sounding repetitive. When I was at gcse my school taught us two acronyms for this, idk if yours does too, but we were taught "site" and "pecs", so pecs is "powerfully, effectively, clearly, significantly", and site is "setting, ideas, themes, events".

Second point:
First two sentences are good. Although in the third sentence you talk about Tennyson's poem, even though the second sentence ended on Armitage's poem. I'd suggest flipping it round so that the poet you mention at the end of the second sentence is the one you then talk about in your immediate point, because otherwise it feels a bit like you just chucked in a sentence about one poet in between your point about the second poet which isn't good.
"Tennyson uses repetition of..." you need a 'the' before the word 'repetition'. Otherwise this sentence is good
Next sentence is good, but I'd say "...the first person in perspective in Remains, which gives..." rather than "...the first person in perspective in Remains that gives..."
"...'on the street' that haunts..." I would say 'which haunts him' rather than saying 'that'
Next sentence is nice and clear.
Change over to speaking about other poem is nice and clear
Paragraph ends nicely, it's clear and to the point which is good, this will get marks easier.

Overall feedback:
Nice and clear points, good analysis of quotes, could use one or two more quotes just to grab a few extra marks.
I'd suggest writing one more point about each poem if you have time in the exam, and it'd also be worth doing a conclusion just to sum up everything and round off your argument. Also refer back to the question in your conclusion, so e.g. both poets show the reality of conflict in war as xyz...


Hope this is useful, lmk if you have any questions or anything

Thank you so much for this feedback! This has helped me immensely and I am forever grateful for the time and effort you have taken to help me out!
I was wondering how many marks this would be out of 30. Would you know?

Thank you so much once again!!

thats so sweet, thank you!
for the marks out of 30, im not an examiner so i might not be the best source lol but id say that AO1 (inter text comparisons) is on the border between level 4 and level 5. AO2 (writers craft, subject terminology) id say bang on level 4, and for AO3 (context) id say also level 4.
so putting all the AOs together it averages middle of level 4, so probably about 18 marks. heres a mark scheme if you want it lol, it explains each band level and how each AO fits into each band. https://mmerevise.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/AQA-GCSE-English-Literature-Paper-1P-MS.pdf