Please give feedback on my Head Girl application letter!!!

Hi, I'm applying for Head Girl and some other senior positions at my sixth form - please give feedback, especially if you've applied before! It's meant to be succinct which is why it's so short - also should I have used an anecdote about my fave memory at school or not??! Some things are censored for privacy also lol

Dear [person reading],
Please accept this letter as my expression of interest for the position of Head of School/ Deputy Head/Head of House.
Being a Senior Monitor/Head of House is a critical role, as one of the most visible students within the school: it requires commitment, individuality, and the ability to inspire. Each student has their own interpretation of what being in a position of responsibility entails, but personally, the most important trait is being able to lead by example. Some assume this equals perfectionism, but I beg to differ – perfection is unattainable. To me, being an exemplar student is striving for brilliance, despite lapses of wisdom and times of failure. As a Senior Monitor or Head of House, this is what I would aim for: encouraging distinction in school activities, as a role model. For example; in music, where I am a member of Chamber & Chapel Choir and have the privilege of being a Senior member of [another choir], in sports, where I have shared wins and losses with the 1sts Netball Squad, or in Debating, where I have spoken and watched many a debate, including the [debating comp] competition where the Year 13’s represented the school. These skills demonstrate my dedication and well-roundedness: necessary features for these positions.

During the twelve years I have spent at [school], I have had the pleasure of representing the school through my activities through sports and music, and even more recently, as a Monitor and Form Tutor. However, in a position of responsibility would allow me to represent the school in a further capacity, allowing me to go the “extra mile” for students, as other teachers have gone the “extra mile” for me: from extra revision sessions that helped me achieve 12A*’s in my GCSE’s, teacher’s advice that allowed me to obtain a Dean’s scholarship, and invaluable guidance that has helped my EPQ flourish. And, beyond my academic and extracurricular achievements, through the ups and downs of school life, I believe I have become a well-rounded, social student. If made a Senior Monitor/Head of House, I would create an environment where younger students may benefit from the many resources of the School, so they may become versatile individuals who will give back to the [school] community one day.
I am unavailable on the: 28th June due to the Oxford University Open day and July 9th for the LSE Open Day.
Thank you for taking the time to read my application.

i think this is lovely, seems like you put a lot of time and effort into it. you've clearly got all the qualifications but maybe add more about how you'll be a leader to lower school students eg teamwork and creating a community to be proud of and help encourage them to take advantage of opportunities like you have etc, good luck!

Thanks have you applied for a position of responsibility like this? Any advice lol

no but my best friend was head girl and she had to choose shortlists for the next one so i helped her read through applications and we shortlisted people with way less going on than you. my biggest piece of advice is just expanding beyond 'these give me the perfect skills' - explain why and what you can bring to your school community to make it better! good luck!