istg im insane

now.... i know this will sound very weird but i cannot talk to anyone about this irl because im so weirded out by myself. ive never experienced this before by the way and i just wanna get this off my chest.

in 2021, on discord (....), i met this boy thru some yggdrasil bot and we talked a lot. he was 14 at the time (i, 13) and was from egypt. we had a lot in common, and i felt closer to him that i did with my own best friend. he was my literal mirror, our personalities matched and we talked almost every day. however, i let my personal problems get the better of me, so i talked to him less because my social battery was starting to drain and valorant was my coping mechanism. i know he got sick of this bec every time we talked, id cut it short and say hey im gonna go play now. so, a month later we stopped talking .....

now this is the weird part, he wasn't on my mind for the first few months we stopped talking, then around october 2021 time i got this sudden urge to talk to him. like he was on my mind 24/7 for so many days and so i gave in and texted him first. he responded with wtf hi and i was such a pussy so i left that on seen.... i still regret it to this day. i've never felt so close to someone before, even if it was just for a month which is quite laughable. but we talked as if we had known each other for years.

so, he was a recurring thought for many months. when i got another urge to text him again in 2022 (he was literally in my head bro it was so weird) he had deleted his disc acc and twitter.

now, this year was probs the worst. in march 2023, i dreamt of him, and when we hugged it felt so real. i literally still remember the scene, it was so vivid and so real my god, when i woke up i felt so lonely. a type of loneliness ive never felt before. the same scene kept happening for a month, EVERY DAY, i kid you not. i used to go to bed early just so i could see him again (weird ik....) then he stopped showing up, in april 2023. i felt rlly lonely again, and i knew i wouldnt see him ever again.

(also, he deleted his acc in 2022 right. so i didnt check his account for months and eventually i forgot about it. in 2023, during those series of dreams with him, he told me the twt account. then, i typed it in wayback machine , just to see if he changed accs or something)

the weirdest part is he's the only online friend ive ever thought of this much, no one has ever invaded my thoughts like this, not even my closest irl friends and ive known them for years. ive had longer online friendships last (2-3 yrs) and not once do i think of them like i did with him for the past two years. its silly, i know, and i felt mentally ill at one point because this is the weirdest **** ive ever experienced.

i know this was a very weird post, and even i feel so grossed out for some reason. it just feels good to get this off my chest. i hate it, i only knew him for a month and he continues to linger in my mind for the next two years. its just so weird. i dont like the way it feels, i continuously tell myself "it was only a month"

i just wish i could turn back the time and be a better friend and not let **** get the better of me which ultimately made me lose many connections. i never knew his name, but he knew mine. it's funny, i never even asked. im so stupid. i just miss him, he felt so real. its insane, i dont think i can ever describe that dream. i hope he's okay. i hope he made it to germany for college.

online friendships are so weird, because what do you mean you know everything about me and now i dont know how you are and how youre doing. we could pass by each other again unbeknownst to the memories we even shared together. how am i supposed to find you in a sea of millions of people. why cant i get you out of my head

i miss you, sat.