My south Asian best friend is racist to white people
I’m a south Asian girl and one of my best friends is also south Asian girl. We’ve been friends for many years
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”. Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”. Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
i mean i know its not what you want to hear but if its bothering you so much then slowly drift from her? i don't know whether shes saying these sorts of stuff regularly (thats what i got from your post) but this conflict of values will pop up again because they're just so fundamental. if you've said hey stop it makes me uncomfy then you've kind of done what you can and its a leave it or take it sort of situation. you could also take a more direct approach for instance when she calls you whitewashed, bite back. normally people who say this are insecure about their own identity and just push it on others to make up for their own shortcomings.
as someone who is also south asian, while some of these remarks do go over the boundary a bit, id say some of them are practically harmless. its not really racism in the sense that its not a major thing. it would be more classed as prejudice as racism tends to be more established movements as opposed to the 'ew white men' comment every once in a while. i occasionally make jokes like this too and no one has any problem with them and they all find it funny. its based on previous colonialsm and how we as SAs were oppressed and have faced actual systematic racism on a massive scale (while white people have not) so its a joke based on this.
as someone who is also south asian, while some of these remarks do go over the boundary a bit, id say some of them are practically harmless. its not really racism in the sense that its not a major thing. it would be more classed as prejudice as racism tends to be more established movements as opposed to the 'ew white men' comment every once in a while. i occasionally make jokes like this too and no one has any problem with them and they all find it funny. its based on previous colonialsm and how we as SAs were oppressed and have faced actual systematic racism on a massive scale (while white people have not) so its a joke based on this.
Original post by Anonymous
I’m a south Asian girl and one of my best friends is also south Asian girl. We’ve been friends for many years
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”. Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”. Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
This stems from the belief that people of colour cannot be racist to white people. However, there are four main forms of racism: internalised, interpersonal, institutional and structural. This sounds like an example of internalised racial superiority to be specific, because your friend thinks white people are inferior to other races "just because", and she holds microaggressions against white people.
I'm black, but I go to a school that has a majority of South Asian students, and I can agree both that this behaviour is common and that it is difficult to challenge because it is so widespread in various communities of people of colour. It is understandable that you've been a bystander for this long. However, if you are uncomfortable and know that the behaviour is wrong, you need to call it out when it happens.
Not everybody may see malice behind their behaviour. If you talk to all of your friends about it, you may find that some agree with you and decide to stop making racist jokes about white people, but it is more than likely that some or most of your friends will challenge or ignore your perception of their behaviour and continue in their ways. If you repeatedly address the behaviour, you may even find that some of your friends choose to end the friendship with you.
Despite this, you need to decide whether keeping all of your friends by remaining silent is better than losing some by speaking up. If your other friends care about you beyond this issue, something they might do is stop being racist around you so as not to prompt any comments. This doesn't fix the issue, of course, but it is a more suitable solution than nothing because they will be aware of how their actions can affect others and may become more empathetic the longer they consider it.
If you won't cut your best friend off no matter what, then it's either you become a record tape whenever she says something racist or condone racism. My mum is racist to white and brown people and is unbothered by her beliefs, but it's gotten to the point where she doesn't bother saying things around me because of how I respond. If this is the sort of resolution you want, then so be it, but be prepared for it to take a toll on your friendship if you decide to act against it.
Always listen to your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you. 
Remember that life is too short to waste your valuable time and energy on negativity and it is best to have as little involvement as possible with toxic individuals who bring little that is positive to your life.
You have five main options:
1) To ignore their racial venom and all other nasty comments that your friends spew,
2) To tell them all that you disagree with their vicious racial comments and occasionally ask them to stop as soon as they begin ranting any such bull,
3) To let them know that you are fed up of hearing their racial vitriol and will walk away as soon as they start up to avoid listening to any more of it,
4) To tell them that they are talking like foul racists and will soon be known by that reputation whenever you hear any vicious racial comments,
5) To end the friendships, go NC with them and spend your time with more positive & polite people.
The main options are options 1 and 5.
Vicious noise nuisances with a foul racial agenda will rarely tolerate criticism of either their actions or racial stance in a calm manner.
Most will become even more poisonous and vocal, frequently targeting those closest to them who have criticized/opposed their racist load of bull for verbal abuse or even physical thuggery.
The revenge fueled bombardment with insults, false accusations, malicious gossip, social ostracisation and criminal attempts can be very severe.
Habitually vicious people will habitually do vicious things, many with sadistic motivations.
Remember that life is too short to waste your valuable time and energy on negativity and it is best to have as little involvement as possible with toxic individuals who bring little that is positive to your life.
You have five main options:
1) To ignore their racial venom and all other nasty comments that your friends spew,
2) To tell them all that you disagree with their vicious racial comments and occasionally ask them to stop as soon as they begin ranting any such bull,
3) To let them know that you are fed up of hearing their racial vitriol and will walk away as soon as they start up to avoid listening to any more of it,
4) To tell them that they are talking like foul racists and will soon be known by that reputation whenever you hear any vicious racial comments,
5) To end the friendships, go NC with them and spend your time with more positive & polite people.
The main options are options 1 and 5.
Vicious noise nuisances with a foul racial agenda will rarely tolerate criticism of either their actions or racial stance in a calm manner.
Most will become even more poisonous and vocal, frequently targeting those closest to them who have criticized/opposed their racist load of bull for verbal abuse or even physical thuggery.
The revenge fueled bombardment with insults, false accusations, malicious gossip, social ostracisation and criminal attempts can be very severe.
Habitually vicious people will habitually do vicious things, many with sadistic motivations.
Original post by Anonymous
I’m a south Asian girl and one of my best friends is also south Asian girl. We’ve been friends for many years
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
Hi,
I'm sorry you have to put up with this... myself, as a black guy who's had to face racism since the age of 4-5 years old in one way or another, I say keep your head up, know your own mind and don't let it get to you. You know better, and are obviously quite head-strong. As cliche as it is, remember they ARE only words... and I'm assuming she doesn't actually be or act racist directly towards white people?
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”.
A similar thing happened with one of my best friends at the time who was a South Asian Muslim, who believed all white people are out sh**ging anything with a pulse, and I flatly said he was wrong... but there was no persuading him. In the end, we decided to never speak about that subject again (agree to disagree), as other than that, we got on famously (apart from the "standard" Christianity Vs Islam debates lol).
Having said that, it's possible she may change her mind, (unlikely, but you can live in hope)... but I don't think it can be forced. I remember seeing this documentary about a guy who in the 1970's was a hard-core supporter of the National Front (I guess the modern day equivalent are groups like the EDL), so basically hated anyone who wasn't white... fast forward some 20-30 years, and he's now married to a Black African woman, and they've got 2 mixed race sons (I think he had witnessed something truly horrific, and it made him reassess his outlook in life). I appreciate that'as an extreme example, but it shows that people can eventually change given the right conditions.
Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
This is something I've noticed with South Asian people in particular... they'll complain about racism etc. they face from white people, but I've seen how racist some are against black people. Personally, I've always got on with South Asians (this is all different kinds, not just those who embrace hip-hop etc). however, some of the most racist and hurtful things I've read on this forum about black people have actually come from Asian people (which really surprised me, as I've never experienced anything like this in real life). Honestly, I'm well and truly gobsmacked by the way some of them talk about black people, it's almost like they see us as sub-human (and this is supposedly a forum for the next generations smarter people lol).
Of course, I've completely overlooked all of the other internal prejudices within South Asian communities, that "outsiders" generally never hear about.
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
Unfortunately, it seems like she's pretty much set in her mind-set, and I think it's almost impossible for you to change her mind. If it's going to happen, it's something she'll have to realise herself (in her own time). Until that does happen, I think all you can do is try and simply "agree to disagree" on this particular instance. And make it clear that you'd rather she didn't make such comments in your company, as you find them offensive. If she's truly your friend, she should respect your wishes.
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
Is there any relationship with her white grand parent?
Malcom X was also 1/4 white, but what was his attitude towards white people like before he took his Hajj?
Original post by Anonymous
I’m a south Asian girl and one of my best friends is also south Asian girl. We’ve been friends for many years
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”. Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
I will start with why it started to bother me and how. Specially to prevent non-white trolls that will reply to my post from justifying this:
Throughout all the time we’ve been friends, she’s been making racist remarks to and about white people. I was fine with it before, to be frank, because I was young and impressionable. A lot of south Asians I know, both in real life (classmates, family, friends) and online creators, make these kind of jokes and without repercussion- so I considered it ‘normal’. I thought these remarks were funny and maybe even ‘relatable’, just because I was so used to it. As a note, I didn’t make these racist remarks, even when I was young, because deep down I always knew better; what I’m trying to say is that I simply went along with it as a happy bystander.
I grew out of that mentality by realising over the years that the herd mentality is damaging, immoral and illogical, so these jokes/remarks are unfunny
The kinds of things she says:
She follows the herd mentality (something I hate, because I find herd mentality stupid) and uses the same annoying jokes that every other south Asian uses about white people. Things like (translated): It’s so annoying in this train because it’s filled by white people hahahaha, be careful that the white man isn’t attracted to you, ewwwww how could you like white men? Ethnic men are so much better, white people stink when it’s raining (this is an opinion I know, what I find racist is the tone of her vicie when saying this)
I’ve tried correcting her. I told her “that’s racist”, “you shouldn’t say that”, “you wouldn’t say the same thing about another race”. But every one of my attempts is shot down by the same annoying, illogical “I don’t care”,”I really couldn’t care less”, “so what?”. Which makes me actually resent her because, I try to be consistent in my values, and if I say I dislike racism, then I dislike all kinds of racism. She’s not consistent. She always talks about race and how much she hates racism, but when it comes down to white people, she can say the most ignorant things and justify it, despite evidently knowing that it’s bad based on her “I don’t care” comments. Even worse, when I try to tell her, she shuts me down and tells me that I’m defending them just because I’m “whitewashed” (and even if I were, so what?), or even just because I’m attracted to “Ghora pakoras” (meaning white men in a derogatory way) even though I don’t have a preference
Despite this, I don’t want to cut her off, of course
1) We’ve been friends for many years and we’ve always been there for each other. I have genuine (platonic) love for her and wish her to always be by my side
2) If I cut her off, which I’m not going to, then that means I have to cut all friends (south Asian or not) that are racist to white people, to be fair. I already said that casual racism to white people is common, so that means I’m gonna be lonely, because I’ll have to cut pretty much all my south Asian friends. I don’t want to be moral if it comes at the expense of loneliness, to be honest, specially if it’s already common and there’s nothing I can do to change herd mentality
I am confused on what to do. On the one hand I’m not cutting her off, based on the reasons I gave- that’s for sure. I know it sounds bad but it’s how I feel. On the other hand, no matter what I do to tell her to stop saying these things, she doesn’t care; even suggesting the reasons for me pointing this out are illegitimate (being whitewashed, being attracted to white men etc- which even if I was, doesn’t make what I’m saying illegitimate). Overall, I’m torn on what to do because there seems to be no solution, but also I don’t want to be a bystander because that’s not right
(I’ll have to be a bystander on day to day life, because as I said it’s common. What I mean is I don’t want to be a bystander when it’s close friends)
For context, if this is of any relevance, this friend is 1/4 white
just have a serious conversation and tell her u dont like it when she says stuff like that so not to say it around u. if shes ur real friend she will stop, if she doesnt no point keeping a friend who dont respect u.
Girl if you think that’s bad, which it is, I’m a south Asian girl and my south Asian friend says the n-word in public and on text. It’s not right. It’s getting to the point where my white friend is beginning to be racist too, not just to black people but now brown people too
Original post by Anonymous
Girl if you think that’s bad, which it is, I’m a south Asian girl and my south Asian friend says the n-word in public and on text. It’s not right. It’s getting to the point where my white friend is beginning to be racist too, not just to black people but now brown people too
Spoiler
Hello everyone. Thank you all for your replies, specially with how detailed and thoughtful they all were. I’ve read them all. I appreciate it
Original post by Old Skool Freak
Hi,
I'm sorry you have to put up with this... myself, as a black guy who's had to face racism since the age of 4-5 years old in one way or another, I say keep your head up, know your own mind and don't let it get to you. You know better, and are obviously quite head-strong. As cliche as it is, remember they ARE only words... and I'm assuming she doesn't actually be or act racist directly towards white people?
A similar thing happened with one of my best friends at the time who was a South Asian Muslim, who believed all white people are out sh**ging anything with a pulse, and I flatly said he was wrong... but there was no persuading him. In the end, we decided to never speak about that subject again (agree to disagree), as other than that, we got on famously (apart from the "standard" Christianity Vs Islam debates lol).
Having said that, it's possible she may change her mind, (unlikely, but you can live in hope)... but I don't think it can be forced. I remember seeing this documentary about a guy who in the 1970's was a hard-core supporter of the National Front (I guess the modern day equivalent are groups like the EDL), so basically hated anyone who wasn't white... fast forward some 20-30 years, and he's now married to a Black African woman, and they've got 2 mixed race sons (I think he had witnessed something truly horrific, and it made him reassess his outlook in life). I appreciate that'as an extreme example, but it shows that people can eventually change given the right conditions.
This is something I've noticed with South Asian people in particular... they'll complain about racism etc. they face from white people, but I've seen how racist some are against black people. Personally, I've always got on with South Asians (this is all different kinds, not just those who embrace hip-hop etc). however, some of the most racist and hurtful things I've read on this forum about black people have actually come from Asian people (which really surprised me, as I've never experienced anything like this in real life). Honestly, I'm well and truly gobsmacked by the way some of them talk about black people, it's almost like they see us as sub-human (and this is supposedly a forum for the next generations smarter people lol).
Of course, I've completely overlooked all of the other internal prejudices within South Asian communities, that "outsiders" generally never hear about.
Unfortunately, it seems like she's pretty much set in her mind-set, and I think it's almost impossible for you to change her mind. If it's going to happen, it's something she'll have to realise herself (in her own time). Until that does happen, I think all you can do is try and simply "agree to disagree" on this particular instance. And make it clear that you'd rather she didn't make such comments in your company, as you find them offensive. If she's truly your friend, she should respect your wishes.
Is there any relationship with her white grand parent?
Malcom X was also 1/4 white, but what was his attitude towards white people like before he took his Hajj?
I'm sorry you have to put up with this... myself, as a black guy who's had to face racism since the age of 4-5 years old in one way or another, I say keep your head up, know your own mind and don't let it get to you. You know better, and are obviously quite head-strong. As cliche as it is, remember they ARE only words... and I'm assuming she doesn't actually be or act racist directly towards white people?
A similar thing happened with one of my best friends at the time who was a South Asian Muslim, who believed all white people are out sh**ging anything with a pulse, and I flatly said he was wrong... but there was no persuading him. In the end, we decided to never speak about that subject again (agree to disagree), as other than that, we got on famously (apart from the "standard" Christianity Vs Islam debates lol).
Having said that, it's possible she may change her mind, (unlikely, but you can live in hope)... but I don't think it can be forced. I remember seeing this documentary about a guy who in the 1970's was a hard-core supporter of the National Front (I guess the modern day equivalent are groups like the EDL), so basically hated anyone who wasn't white... fast forward some 20-30 years, and he's now married to a Black African woman, and they've got 2 mixed race sons (I think he had witnessed something truly horrific, and it made him reassess his outlook in life). I appreciate that'as an extreme example, but it shows that people can eventually change given the right conditions.
This is something I've noticed with South Asian people in particular... they'll complain about racism etc. they face from white people, but I've seen how racist some are against black people. Personally, I've always got on with South Asians (this is all different kinds, not just those who embrace hip-hop etc). however, some of the most racist and hurtful things I've read on this forum about black people have actually come from Asian people (which really surprised me, as I've never experienced anything like this in real life). Honestly, I'm well and truly gobsmacked by the way some of them talk about black people, it's almost like they see us as sub-human (and this is supposedly a forum for the next generations smarter people lol).
Of course, I've completely overlooked all of the other internal prejudices within South Asian communities, that "outsiders" generally never hear about.
Unfortunately, it seems like she's pretty much set in her mind-set, and I think it's almost impossible for you to change her mind. If it's going to happen, it's something she'll have to realise herself (in her own time). Until that does happen, I think all you can do is try and simply "agree to disagree" on this particular instance. And make it clear that you'd rather she didn't make such comments in your company, as you find them offensive. If she's truly your friend, she should respect your wishes.
Is there any relationship with her white grand parent?
Malcom X was also 1/4 white, but what was his attitude towards white people like before he took his Hajj?
Hey, your message was very kind to hear. Thank you!
Her relationship with her white grandparents and white family is ok. They live in another country (I won’t say which one, because I don’t want my friend knowing this thread is from me) and every few years she goes to visit them. She says they’re alright, but that it’s a bit awkward, because it’s a whole life away. All and all, she doesn’t accept that part of herselfQuick Reply
Related discussions
- do Indian guys like mixed race girls
- Do Japanese/ Korean girls like Indian/ Pakistan/ Bangladesh guys?
- Indian men
- Was I being rude or was the person being racist?
- I feel like people don't want to date me because of my race
- fellow asians of the UK rise up
- South Asian men (Muslim ideally): would you marry a med drop-out
- Woman made racist remarks??
- Denied entry at finland helinkski airport racial profiling
- Southerners - Could You Live Up North?
- Why British Girl/ Men do not date Indian Boy/ Men and prefer Black Men/Boy?
- What is Durham like for international students?
- do girls like brown guys
- Would east asian guys go for european girls
- What are common diseases in white chapel area?
- Guy I am dating just said all south asians smell weird
- question for british girls
- self conscious about my race
- Durham University - Full of Rich Privately Educated people?
- brown girls: have you ever been in a relationship with a white guy?
Latest
Trending
Last reply 1 week ago
I failed my GCSE'S my parents said they are disgusted with meLast reply 1 week ago
parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?Last reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutLast reply 3 weeks ago
How do I cut off parents at the start of my University year?Trending
Last reply 1 week ago
I failed my GCSE'S my parents said they are disgusted with meLast reply 1 week ago
parents aren't letting me go on a uni residential - what do i do?Last reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutLast reply 3 weeks ago
How do I cut off parents at the start of my University year?
