I’m so sick of being insecure. How can I change?

I’m so done with being so insecure about myself. Not just about my appearance but I also hate myself as a person. I’ve never felt I fit in much and I have also been told by others I’m ‘strange’ (including my own mother). Ever since I was a kid I’ve never liked myself, and I always had a tendency to take it out on others (ie making them feel crap about themselves to boost myself). I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve always had a major superiority-inferiority complex. I think I’m better than others but at the same time below them. I’m nearly 17 and I’ve had enough of this. I’m sick of being so critical of other people all the time. I’m sick of beating myself up all the time. I’ve decided now that I’m okay with not feeling like I fit in so much, I just want to work on the bad parts of myself and become a better person. I want to dress and behave and express myself as a person in the way that I want to, but because I’m so insecure I’ve never felt worthy of it if that makes sense (like I want to wear nice clothes etc but I don’t feel I deserve them because I’m too ugly for them or whatever). I also have a really hard time around emotions which I think is linked to my insecurity, I don’t like to express any emotion or deal with anyone else’s. I cringe my guts out at the thought of being empathetic towards anyone else, it’s not that I don’t have it in me or I have anything against them but it’s because it’s me. Like ew why would anyone want that from me. I’ve also always been terrible at admitting when I’m wrong, I’m not entirely sure how but I know it’s linked.

So yeah I’m just looking for advice on how to change this. I want to become the version of myself that I want to be, and stop being held back from everything I want to do by insecurities. I want get better at being more warm and friendly towards other people rather than cold, intense and stubborn like I already am. I want to stop questioning my worth all the time. I want to stop beating myself up over mistakes. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. Thanks

Reply 1

Echo2707

This is genuinely a tough one, it’s a mental battle, and one that I’m still fighting. I believe that realistically, finding your own way or a way that works for you is the way to do it to get the best results. For me, I have started off trying to stop the self-deprecating thoughts by contradicting it in my head. Each time something comes into my head, I counter it with another thought. For example, I use ones like, “No, you’re not ugly, sure you may not see it but being unique is the best way to be. It would be boring to all look the same”, etc.

As for the deprecating others, try just taking a breath before you say something, it gives crucial seconds for you to think about what you’re about to say.

However, please don’t beat yourself up over things like this. I know it’s tough, but talk to someone professional, who can give guidance and help you out, working with you. I’m not a professional, I’m just speaking from my own experience, and I don’t have much of it as I’m just a little older than you. There are many options out there, with many people to help or even things to read that may help you out.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Hi,
If you want to completely change as a person, it will take a long time and a lot of effort. It will be a journey but you'll learn to enjoy it. Try practising gratitude first. Every day when you wake up, think about all the things you are grateful for, it will definitely make your day better because you'll start to appreciate things more. There is a lot to be grateful for in life, even simple things like how you are alive, healthy, has a house to live in, etc. Just thinking about how the sun is out today and how its such a pretty day can bring you so much happiness!
The only thing that helped me with my insecurities was God. You should know that you are a work of art, and God created you with so much care and love. Every time you look in the mirror, be amazed at how beautiful you are and how you are so lucky.
Another thing that can help you would be just thinking the way the future you would think- as in the person you want to become. Try living like the person you want to become. Think about how beautiful you are , act mezmerised when you look at the mirror and you will eventually grow to having that mindset(Fake it till you make it).You will start to unlock different parts of you you never knew about, or never acknowledged. You will learn so much about yourself. You always learn different lessons every year and at 17, I know you'll go through a lot of experiences.
Try viewing your life like you are in a movie, and imagine you are a character thats trying to reach full potential. See this as a journey and be strong through tough times and you'll get there.
You could also try complimenting people if you want to be nice. Genuinely compiment them. If good thoughts cross your mind, express them. Ofcourse you don't have to start doing that right away, do it in your own pace.
And if you want to, you could try using makeup-depending on who you are and what you prefer but its just a tip.

Reply 3

Anonymous #3

Honestly, you aren't alone.

I still have this, but it's lesser now, because I feel like I'm working on improving myself. One thing I noticed is that, appearance-wise, there was always something I really disliked but I couldn't figure it out. Then I got a completely new haircut/style, and I cringe seeing my old photos because.. how did I even wear that? It wasn't obvious back then, but it is now. There's still things I'm insecure about like my asymmetrical face, but there's not really much I can do about it. I could, but it would be too expensive and I wonder how I'd feel knowing I'd corrected something unnaturally. I think it's easier to think of it like: "I'm not changing my flaws because I'm consciously choosing not to for xyz reason", rather than "I can't change it".. because then at least you know it's possible but you feel like you're accepting it.

As for the non-appearance problems, I think it's all about the environment. I'm not saying replace your friends for others who can provide this sort of environment, but putting yourself in an environment where the things you want are encouraged and embraced could be pivotal.

Good luck :smile: