how to (respectfully) confront my overbearing parents
I've wanted to make a post on this for a while, but was worried I'd come across as ungrateful/bratty. Here goes nothing...
So, in short I'm the eldest daughter in an immigrant Muslim family. Out of all my siblings, I'm the second youngest. I'll be 20 in a couple months but my parents' treatment of me hasn't changed since I was a kid. I'm not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to see friends. I'm not allowed to have any fun basically. My parents don't seem very interested in meeting my friends and I think they've just assumed I'm a loner (I'm surprised I have any at all tbh). I do have a job, but it's a mini battle to convince them I can go on a bus, and take 3 stops on the train to get there. And when I come back there's another mini battle to let them allow me to go home myself. This has had disastrous consequences. I have pretty much no social skills whatsoever, and any friends I could've made I don't ever fully pursue because I know I'll never be allowed to go out with them outside of a school/uni setting. I have such bad anxiety that on the rare occasion I can successfully convince my brothers or my dad to take us out somewhere I just want to stay home. It's terribly depressing. I get compared to my cousins but when I ask for a reasonable thing it gets shut down. I really don't think I can go on like this and have considered just running away. I'd consider therapy but my family believe that mental health is all "Just in your head", and "to just be positive". There is no way I can be positive when I'm stuck at home all day every day whilst people my age are out making memories. To note, I have no physical/mental condition that could cause worry if I was to go out in public (like fainting/collapsing etc). However, being treated as an invalid when I've never been diagnosed with anything that serious (minus eczema) is just infuriating. I avoid confrontation because I really wouldn't want to argue and my pathetic attempts of trying to stand up for myself have ended up with me crying under the covers. I have no idea what there is for me anymore. I can't live in such an environment for much longer. I'll have to study at home for my university studies, and I still hate myself for at least not trying again during my year off. Is it worth fighting anymore?
Apologies for the rant, I am forever grateful for my parents' hard work to immigrate not once but twice, to provide us with a better future. But if this "better future" means sheltering me from actual real life then maybe it wasn't worth it after all.
So, in short I'm the eldest daughter in an immigrant Muslim family. Out of all my siblings, I'm the second youngest. I'll be 20 in a couple months but my parents' treatment of me hasn't changed since I was a kid. I'm not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to see friends. I'm not allowed to have any fun basically. My parents don't seem very interested in meeting my friends and I think they've just assumed I'm a loner (I'm surprised I have any at all tbh). I do have a job, but it's a mini battle to convince them I can go on a bus, and take 3 stops on the train to get there. And when I come back there's another mini battle to let them allow me to go home myself. This has had disastrous consequences. I have pretty much no social skills whatsoever, and any friends I could've made I don't ever fully pursue because I know I'll never be allowed to go out with them outside of a school/uni setting. I have such bad anxiety that on the rare occasion I can successfully convince my brothers or my dad to take us out somewhere I just want to stay home. It's terribly depressing. I get compared to my cousins but when I ask for a reasonable thing it gets shut down. I really don't think I can go on like this and have considered just running away. I'd consider therapy but my family believe that mental health is all "Just in your head", and "to just be positive". There is no way I can be positive when I'm stuck at home all day every day whilst people my age are out making memories. To note, I have no physical/mental condition that could cause worry if I was to go out in public (like fainting/collapsing etc). However, being treated as an invalid when I've never been diagnosed with anything that serious (minus eczema) is just infuriating. I avoid confrontation because I really wouldn't want to argue and my pathetic attempts of trying to stand up for myself have ended up with me crying under the covers. I have no idea what there is for me anymore. I can't live in such an environment for much longer. I'll have to study at home for my university studies, and I still hate myself for at least not trying again during my year off. Is it worth fighting anymore?
Apologies for the rant, I am forever grateful for my parents' hard work to immigrate not once but twice, to provide us with a better future. But if this "better future" means sheltering me from actual real life then maybe it wasn't worth it after all.
Original post by Anonymous
I've wanted to make a post on this for a while, but was worried I'd come across as ungrateful/bratty. Here goes nothing...
So, in short I'm the eldest daughter in an immigrant Muslim family. Out of all my siblings, I'm the second youngest. I'll be 20 in a couple months but my parents' treatment of me hasn't changed since I was a kid. I'm not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to see friends. I'm not allowed to have any fun basically. My parents don't seem very interested in meeting my friends and I think they've just assumed I'm a loner (I'm surprised I have any at all tbh). I do have a job, but it's a mini battle to convince them I can go on a bus, and take 3 stops on the train to get there. And when I come back there's another mini battle to let them allow me to go home myself. This has had disastrous consequences. I have pretty much no social skills whatsoever, and any friends I could've made I don't ever fully pursue because I know I'll never be allowed to go out with them outside of a school/uni setting. I have such bad anxiety that on the rare occasion I can successfully convince my brothers or my dad to take us out somewhere I just want to stay home. It's terribly depressing. I get compared to my cousins but when I ask for a reasonable thing it gets shut down. I really don't think I can go on like this and have considered just running away. I'd consider therapy but my family believe that mental health is all "Just in your head", and "to just be positive". There is no way I can be positive when I'm stuck at home all day every day whilst people my age are out making memories. To note, I have no physical/mental condition that could cause worry if I was to go out in public (like fainting/collapsing etc). However, being treated as an invalid when I've never been diagnosed with anything that serious (minus eczema) is just infuriating. I avoid confrontation because I really wouldn't want to argue and my pathetic attempts of trying to stand up for myself have ended up with me crying under the covers. I have no idea what there is for me anymore. I can't live in such an environment for much longer. I'll have to study at home for my university studies, and I still hate myself for at least not trying again during my year off. Is it worth fighting anymore?
Apologies for the rant, I am forever grateful for my parents' hard work to immigrate not once but twice, to provide us with a better future. But if this "better future" means sheltering me from actual real life then maybe it wasn't worth it after all.
So, in short I'm the eldest daughter in an immigrant Muslim family. Out of all my siblings, I'm the second youngest. I'll be 20 in a couple months but my parents' treatment of me hasn't changed since I was a kid. I'm not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to see friends. I'm not allowed to have any fun basically. My parents don't seem very interested in meeting my friends and I think they've just assumed I'm a loner (I'm surprised I have any at all tbh). I do have a job, but it's a mini battle to convince them I can go on a bus, and take 3 stops on the train to get there. And when I come back there's another mini battle to let them allow me to go home myself. This has had disastrous consequences. I have pretty much no social skills whatsoever, and any friends I could've made I don't ever fully pursue because I know I'll never be allowed to go out with them outside of a school/uni setting. I have such bad anxiety that on the rare occasion I can successfully convince my brothers or my dad to take us out somewhere I just want to stay home. It's terribly depressing. I get compared to my cousins but when I ask for a reasonable thing it gets shut down. I really don't think I can go on like this and have considered just running away. I'd consider therapy but my family believe that mental health is all "Just in your head", and "to just be positive". There is no way I can be positive when I'm stuck at home all day every day whilst people my age are out making memories. To note, I have no physical/mental condition that could cause worry if I was to go out in public (like fainting/collapsing etc). However, being treated as an invalid when I've never been diagnosed with anything that serious (minus eczema) is just infuriating. I avoid confrontation because I really wouldn't want to argue and my pathetic attempts of trying to stand up for myself have ended up with me crying under the covers. I have no idea what there is for me anymore. I can't live in such an environment for much longer. I'll have to study at home for my university studies, and I still hate myself for at least not trying again during my year off. Is it worth fighting anymore?
Apologies for the rant, I am forever grateful for my parents' hard work to immigrate not once but twice, to provide us with a better future. But if this "better future" means sheltering me from actual real life then maybe it wasn't worth it after all.
Hi, I had to go through the same thing but my parents aren't that strict. Im not Muslim but ik Muslim parents can be strict since there are a lot of 'rules' you can't break. My best advice would be to start distancing yourself from them. Yes, they're your parents but they're not letting you do things you want to do. I have friends in the same situation and honestly for now you just need to deal with it. Instead, start thinking of all the things you can do when you move out. Start saving money so you can buy a house earlier. Once you move out your contact with your parents
would be up to you. Honestly, the anxiety you get from not going outside is gonna affect you a lot. I can go out a little now but even when I do I'm too embarrassed or scared to do anything. Maybe talk to your parents about letting you go out and how it's not healthy to stay in. Start to focus on your studies for your own sake. In 10 years' time you will be living alone or with your husband and you will be able to go out anywhere at anytime.
I've read your post and you do not sound ungrateful or bratty at all.
As a Muslim myself, growing up I did have lots of questions asked when I'd be going out but that was out of curiosity and making sure I was safe, because my parents are really overprotective of me - being Muslim has nothing to do with it at all. I feel as though this is the case for you because there is no real basis for which they are keeping you inside and whatever reasoning they would have would just be silly.
You're going to have to do these things whether they like it or not, don't even ask them anymore just tell them you're going out as soon as you get ready so they have less time to interfere; because this is obviously harming you mentally and emotionally. You could try and tell them the positives of going out and give them reasons such as; health, exercise, studying etc. Really sell the idea to them that all these things are for you future and that they're holding you back tell them of all the thing s you could have done but haven't been able to do because of them. Don't let yourself suffer, or your education, or your career, or your mental state just so that your parents don't get angry - does that really seem worth it to you?
But in regards to the university thing you have to socialise especially for meetings with lecturers and groupwork along with trips to the library for your own learning - it's not really an option to do it from home and if you really wanted to do that I would suggest doing a course with the Open University. Try questioning your parents at what they want you to achieve? Staying at home isn't going to do much for you and you can't spend the rest of your life like this especially because you're an adult. You need to sit them down and talk to them, but there isn't room for negotiation in this; it's them having to understand that you need to do these things. I guess you could ask your older sibling to go with you so that your parents can ease into this change, but that is your choice. If they compare you to your cousins just tell them if they let you go out you can do even better!
There is the idea of moving out and that is completely fine to do, but beneath all this I feel that deep down you don't want to resort to that and that you do care quite a bit for your parents. It's a good thing that you're already able to go out for your job, but you really need to stay stubborn in wanting to go out more often. Your parents are so bothered about the idea of a better future but what future is there by staying inside surrounded by 4 walls. Save up for your future, take online courses to build up your cv, do therapy online if that helps and plan a future for yourself. You either ignore them and do as you please, move out or just accept it - I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon.
As a Muslim myself, growing up I did have lots of questions asked when I'd be going out but that was out of curiosity and making sure I was safe, because my parents are really overprotective of me - being Muslim has nothing to do with it at all. I feel as though this is the case for you because there is no real basis for which they are keeping you inside and whatever reasoning they would have would just be silly.
You're going to have to do these things whether they like it or not, don't even ask them anymore just tell them you're going out as soon as you get ready so they have less time to interfere; because this is obviously harming you mentally and emotionally. You could try and tell them the positives of going out and give them reasons such as; health, exercise, studying etc. Really sell the idea to them that all these things are for you future and that they're holding you back tell them of all the thing s you could have done but haven't been able to do because of them. Don't let yourself suffer, or your education, or your career, or your mental state just so that your parents don't get angry - does that really seem worth it to you?
But in regards to the university thing you have to socialise especially for meetings with lecturers and groupwork along with trips to the library for your own learning - it's not really an option to do it from home and if you really wanted to do that I would suggest doing a course with the Open University. Try questioning your parents at what they want you to achieve? Staying at home isn't going to do much for you and you can't spend the rest of your life like this especially because you're an adult. You need to sit them down and talk to them, but there isn't room for negotiation in this; it's them having to understand that you need to do these things. I guess you could ask your older sibling to go with you so that your parents can ease into this change, but that is your choice. If they compare you to your cousins just tell them if they let you go out you can do even better!
There is the idea of moving out and that is completely fine to do, but beneath all this I feel that deep down you don't want to resort to that and that you do care quite a bit for your parents. It's a good thing that you're already able to go out for your job, but you really need to stay stubborn in wanting to go out more often. Your parents are so bothered about the idea of a better future but what future is there by staying inside surrounded by 4 walls. Save up for your future, take online courses to build up your cv, do therapy online if that helps and plan a future for yourself. You either ignore them and do as you please, move out or just accept it - I wish you the best of luck and hope you feel better soon.
I understand some of how you feel. 
I was raised in a controlling toxic household, surrounded by unreasonable adults who constantly imposed themselves and their bizarre rules upon me.
I'm english, my parents were revolutionary trade union socialists.
My best friend was born in India and is a follower of the liberal shia islamic sect led by the aga khan.
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Put your health and physical safety first.
Don't risk any confrontations with traditionalist members of your household which could result in getting disowned without any no alternative accomodation or violently attacked by thuggish relatives.
I grew up with no peace, privacy and very little freedom.
Very long list of banned words, phrases and activities.
I was not allowed to go out alone even as an 18 year old and my phone, letters, bag & pockets were regularly checked.
Rarely had access to the internet.
Not allowed to have any "bourgeoisie" foods, friends or hobbies.
Ban on all luxury items along with nearly all branded food, drink and sweet products.
Expected to automatically obey all parents rules and demands, along with those of their vile pals.
I got very sneaky in my midteens; became an expert at sneaking out of windows and climbing down drainpipes at night- never getting caught.
When living with parents I kept secret phones, hid my car & having a drivers licence and was very discrete about new friends.
Escaped 10 years ago and will never go back.
You need to focus on the future life that you want and the direction of your ambitions.
Your parents are not going to change their beliefs or tactics.
But you can be the one to quietly force the changes and break the toxic cycle.
For yourself and any future children that you have.
So that 20 years from now, your daughter won't be enduring the same sufferings that you are and writing virtually identical posts asking for the advice of strangers online.
Good luck!
I was raised in a controlling toxic household, surrounded by unreasonable adults who constantly imposed themselves and their bizarre rules upon me.
I'm english, my parents were revolutionary trade union socialists.
My best friend was born in India and is a follower of the liberal shia islamic sect led by the aga khan.
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Put your health and physical safety first.
Don't risk any confrontations with traditionalist members of your household which could result in getting disowned without any no alternative accomodation or violently attacked by thuggish relatives.
I grew up with no peace, privacy and very little freedom.
Very long list of banned words, phrases and activities.
I was not allowed to go out alone even as an 18 year old and my phone, letters, bag & pockets were regularly checked.
Rarely had access to the internet.
Not allowed to have any "bourgeoisie" foods, friends or hobbies.
Ban on all luxury items along with nearly all branded food, drink and sweet products.
Expected to automatically obey all parents rules and demands, along with those of their vile pals.
I got very sneaky in my midteens; became an expert at sneaking out of windows and climbing down drainpipes at night- never getting caught.
When living with parents I kept secret phones, hid my car & having a drivers licence and was very discrete about new friends.
Escaped 10 years ago and will never go back.
You need to focus on the future life that you want and the direction of your ambitions.
Your parents are not going to change their beliefs or tactics.
But you can be the one to quietly force the changes and break the toxic cycle.
For yourself and any future children that you have.
So that 20 years from now, your daughter won't be enduring the same sufferings that you are and writing virtually identical posts asking for the advice of strangers online.
Good luck!
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