Dad made me uncomfortable as a child, is this normal?

Hi, so I’ve never posted on anything like this before, and there’s no one I can really be honest about this with and don’t know if I’m overthinking/reading too much into the situation.

I had a very unsettled childhood with my mother leaving and being brought up my grandparents. My father was in and out of my life, and I have always had a difficult relationship with him.

I remember between the ages of roughly 5-10 ish, my father was a drunk and would spend nearly all of his time in the pub, our only father/daughter time would be when he would take me to the pub, get drunk and allow others to look after me. I remember every Sunday night, he would go to bed about 7/8pm and would always want me to get into bed with him and he would “spoon” cuddle me. I remember always feeling anxious and not wanting to go, I remember telling my grandma I didn’t want to be with him on my own.
I don’t remember anything ever happening, but i don’t remember most of my childhood. I just remember that awful anxious feeling and thinking it was the last place I wanted to be, and would dread him saying he wanted to go to his bedroom and cuddle. I also remember being terrified to move or wriggle to get comfortable when I was there because I was scared he would shout at me.
I would get a strange burning/uncomfortable/anxious butterfly feeling in my lower abdomen, which I have got before when I have felt uncomfortable in sexual situations.

He has also made comments since I have been adult, remarking and making jokes that I’ve slept around a lot (I haven’t, or even if I had I wouldn’t have discussed it with him to any length), and had once said when talking about relationships “if you weren’t my daughter you’d be my perfect woman”, which gave me that burning anxious sensation in my abdomen again.

One of the only memories I have from being a child is the sensation of a very large finger being in my mouth and sucking on it. Obviously it was a normal sized adult finger, and it was just my child-sized mouth. Again, this could be totally innocent and a memory from being a baby perhaps?

Since my childhood I have also have a lot of issues with anxiety and depression, brain fog, sense of worthlessness etc. But this of course could be due to other issues related to my childhood.

Have I overthought this too much, where it is completely innocent and it’s just a strained relationship with my father due to his drinking etc.? Or is it a sign that something else happened as a child and I have blocked it out of my memory?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Sometimes when you reflect on past events decades ago as a child they can be portrayed in a different light now because you have the experience and knowledge of an adult mindset.

What you know is that you were made to have close intimate contact with your Dad and this behaviour made you feel uncomfortable. You did not like that. Even at such a young age you sensed something was wrong. If that was the case then it was wrong. You had a reasonable expectation that the adults in your life would protect you and they did not. Your Grandparents did not protect you from your Dad and your Mum was nowhere to be seen. Were you sexualised by your Father as a child? - Yes probably.

That is a difficult scenario to get your head around as a child.

What you do about it is entirely your choice, and in the here and now you do have a choice. You can allow your whole life to be forever defined by the memory of childhood events growing up and never realise the full potential of your own life, because you are so bogged down in living in the past. Do you really want that? It would be easy to use your childhood memories as an excuse for every failure in your life right now (if indeed there are failures) You can choose not to have a relationship with your Dad. You can track down your Mum and ask her why she left you?

You can chase reconciliation with your Dad but you might not get the answers you want to hear. The same with your Mum.
How is that going to help you with your current life? If you decide to do that it can take many years and much heartache. Can you afford to lose that amount of time when you could be doing so much more with greater benefit for your own life? However if you feel that asking questions about your past will help your future mindset you are perfectly able to do that and try and find peace with your past childhood.

What can you do? Get professional medical help for your anxiety and depression and know that if you really want to you don't have to live in such an unhappy mindset. You are in charge of your head, no one else. Be determined to make the best life you possibly can - for you. Use prescribed medication if your doctor believes this may help you and access talking therapies to reconcile your anger, your own issues and what you really want to do about sensing the wrongs you experienced as a child. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help you find a calm peaceful mindset and gain hope for your future, but the work comes from you recognising self destructive inner dialogues you hold onto and then changing your thought processes to a new pattern.

You don't necessarily need any medication or talking therapies to help you if you decide to look forward and have hope that you can decide to take on the world and forge your own life. But that is your own choice, no one else's. You can accept that your Mum left you and you can accept that your Dad inappropriately sexualised you as a child. You can park those past experiences in the past and be determined you will never repeat the behaviour of your parents. You can make your own life a very good one going forward and break free of childhood memories. Let them go. Every successful person has a less than perfect childhood. You don't have to have a relationship with your parents. You can find love and friendship from others, from 'adopted' family and if you have any siblings, talk to them and be a part of their life if that is what you want.

What ever you decide to do you have to accept that there will often be many many questions you want answering. You may find a few answers to some questions. But for sure you will have many questions with no answers and you are unlikely ever to find the answers. You cannot change other people, only yourself.

Reply 2

yellowhelp

first and foremost, I'm very sorry about the pain you're uncovering from your childhood. what happened to you does not sound fair at all, and I would be horrified to learn that any child felt that way. I want to offer you the perspective that the shame is on your parents, and the other adults in your life, not you.

it is super important to meet these uncovered memories with compassion! you were wronged, and you need to be able to grieve. what happened to you was not right, and you do not have to accept it as normal or part of a peaceful life. unfortunately you were/may have been a victim of emotional or sexual violence (and even if the memories are faint, don't feel like you have to have something concrete enough to "prove" your feelings - your feelings are real and there for a reason).

self-love and self re-parenting are the biggest pieces of advice I can give you, as someone who is struggling with similar issues from their own parents. I'm very very sorry that you were not kept as safe as you should have been.

moving on to a stronger life is possible and almost guaranteed. start with a deep, compassionate understanding of how you feel and what you went through. build a relationship of trust with yourself, and seriously consider therapy as a mental tool to help yourself recover.

best wishes❤️