Housemate problem. I am lost

I've moved in with a common friend, who I didn't know previously, since late January. Everything was very happy in the first month, with her being kind, friendly and considerate enough to ask me if any of her actions created noises. In exchange, I agreed to clean the house for her at least twice a week because she has asthma - the last time she cleaned the house herself she got asthma attacks that ended up in a chest infection. There are only two of us in the house.

Tension started to build up in late February, when she had a friend sleeping over one night and throwing up in one of our toilets until the following day due to a food intolerance. I had a tough exchange with her which was resolved the same night. I asked her if she would go on trip soon and she said no.

Two days later, she suddenly had to be away. I thought it was an emergency, so I didn't ask her for an expected return date until she had left for two days. I was anxious in the house due to unidentifiable noises and the fear of losing control in case of an accident while I was struggling with personal problems. Since she didn't read my message of asking when she would return, I spoke to her close friend about that and he helped me contact her. Obviously, she prioritised his messages over someone living in the same house. I had a panic attack the same night and sent her some strongly worded messages, which I regretted afterwards. She then told me about her updates throughout the day as she returned.

She didn't even bring her keys to the trip, so I had to wait until 1 am the following night when she knocked on the window to signal me to open the door. We had a conversation on that on the following day, which appeared to be amicable, but she mentioned she wasn't happy that I spoke to her friend about house matter. Similar issues happened again on the following day and we had a heated exchange. I cried due to the stress and she comforted me, appearing to have some empathy.

Having said that, I feel things are getting tense and my kindness seems to be used when I consider her wellbeing all the time without her considering mine to the same extent. While she expects me to be upfront about any issues, she appears to be upset whenever it is something she doesn't agree with.

I had spent months looking for a room in my area before I came across her. It's a mixture of emotions that makes me heavily invested in this new friendship. I am lost

Reply 1

artful_lounger

Universities Forum Helper

You seem to be seeing this as much more than it is. Not everyone you live with is or should be your friend. You need to see this as a living arrangement and not a "new friendship". This means you can't assume the other person is going to share everything about their life with you and you should only be as involved as they wish you to be. Why do you "consider her wellbeing" at all? She's a flatmate, not a family member or good friend. Outside of having a pulse and paying rent, you don't really need to be invested in her wellbeing and vice versa.

The only real criticism I could make of the other person is not taking their keys with them and requiring you to open the door for them late at night by knocking on the window - that's not really acceptable and I think it's reasonable to raise as an issue with them that if they are going away they need to make sure they have their keys and not rely on you being able to let them in.

Otherwise though, "hearing strange noises" and "worrying about an accident" I don't think are reasons to repeatedly contact someone you live with and are not a close friend of. A single message about the former would suffice, the latter is an anxiety problem of yours that you need to solve by speaking with your GP. You need to be an adult and learn to manage things by yourself and not push your insecurities onto others. If you are incapable of spending a night alone somewhere then this is a problem you need to deal with - it's not their responsibility.

Equally if it's just a friend of a friend, outside of "I tried to get in touch with X but haven't heard back, have you spoken with them recently?" I don't think it's really necessary to be involving the intermediary friend in matters. I could see how the other person might feel uncomfortable about that.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by artful_lounger

You seem to be seeing this as much more than it is. Not everyone you live with is or should be your friend. You need to see this as a living arrangement and not a "new friendship". This means you can't assume the other person is going to share everything about their life with you and you should only be as involved as they wish you to be. Why do you "consider her wellbeing" at all? She's a flatmate, not a family member or good friend. Outside of having a pulse and paying rent, you don't really need to be invested in her wellbeing and vice versa.
The only real criticism I could make of the other person is not taking their keys with them and requiring you to open the door for them late at night by knocking on the window - that's not really acceptable and I think it's reasonable to raise as an issue with them that if they are going away they need to make sure they have their keys and not rely on you being able to let them in.
Otherwise though, "hearing strange noises" and "worrying about an accident" I don't think are reasons to repeatedly contact someone you live with and are not a close friend of. A single message about the former would suffice, the latter is an anxiety problem of yours that you need to solve by speaking with your GP. You need to be an adult and learn to manage things by yourself and not push your insecurities onto others. If you are incapable of spending a night alone somewhere then this is a problem you need to deal with - it's not their responsibility.
Equally if it's just a friend of a friend, outside of "I tried to get in touch with X but haven't heard back, have you spoken with them recently?" I don't think it's really necessary to be involving the intermediary friend in matters. I could see how the other person might feel uncomfortable about that.

I don't see how housemates don't need to consider each other's wellbeing, especially when she has a condition that can be life-threatening? Does it mean we can simply behave in any way we wish at the expense of the health and safety of others, e.g. trashing, poor hygiene, ignoring allergies and/or chronic illnesses? If that's the way you think, I believe it is a problem with you rather than me.

I did not "contact her repeatedly". It's a one-off message that I allowed her ample amount of time to read and respond. I waited for many hours before I contacted her friend due to the issues I mentioned - it was proportionate. I have the right to know sufficient information when I am looking after everything alone in a house I am new to because it carries risks that I may not be able to bear, e.g. accident that may kill me without immediate intervention possible / she disappears leaving behind legal issues I am not capable of handling.

You do not appear to have any empathy or have read my post clearly but throw some allegations at me based on your own presumptions that are unjustified or may be rooted in biases.