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Should I cut my dad out of my life?

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    (Original post by obstupefacere)
    I have had similar.

    One of my parents split up and had numerous adulterous affairs, once I hit sixteen I never spoke to her again, since then both my parents have died. I didn't go to my mothers funeral.

    I don't feel guilty for not staying in touch, it was the best choice I ever made. In running off with someone she chose her sex drive over her family - I am glad I never saw her again, very glad.

    At the most I sometimes feel a bit upset that I didn't have a better mum, but there are plenty of people around the world who have it far worse than me - so I cannot complain.
    Sorry to hear that. Did you find cutting your mum off hard or did it sort of provide a sense of relief? I feel like to me, cutting my dad out is the best thing I could do. I'm moving away to uni to another town, so it would be physically 'easy'. But I do still have doubts for the longterm. Stupid things really like when I have grandkids do I want them to deprive them of a grandad? Yeah, stupid things. :rolleyes: A lot of people seem to believe that when someone cheats, they're just cheating on the partner, but like you said, I feel like my dad chose her over his family, and he has essentially left me and my sister. You are right, a lot of people have it so, so much worse and I hate this wallowing self pity I'm in atm, but I don't seem to be able to drag myself out of it. I've never been like this and I hate myself for it. Gah.
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    (Original post by opinionscount66)
    It depends. I never had a close relationship with my dad growing up. He worked away a lot so I was mostly with my mum.

    Then it was my MUM who had an affair first with her boss from work and just decided to leave for asia for a few weeks with him. Left us.

    Then came back all apologetic so we forgave her and all was good.

    Then my dad thought it would be a good idea to go to Thialand and get a thai girlfriend many years his junior who he gave all his money to (refused to help my uni fees) dad moved out left me to live with mum. Dad hardly speaks to us now (seen him maybe twice since christmas) even though hes only down the road.

    To add insult to injury I get some bozo add me on facebook yesterday claiming to be 32 year old half brother who my dad fathered years before he was with my mum and just denied out of his life.

    Amazingly I haven't seemed to let this bother me. Any of it. I am the sort of person who can just block things out from my head and pretend they are not happening.
    Prob get it off your parents tbh
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    (Original post by pinkmoon)
    Thanks, appreciate it. I guess because my sister is not coping with the situation at all (since she found out she attempted suicide as I said, is on anti depressants and going to see a life coach) and has these austic tendicies and as bad as this is going to sound, she kind of steals the limelight which yes, I do get because I'm not autistic but I am feeling extreme hurt and I feel a bit neglected. I did try to tell my dad all these things but whenever I write an email to him it always comes out as childish and angry. I don't want to be bitter, I just want to move on with my life and for the pain to go away really. Ah, rambling. Sorry Really? Is he aware of how he damaged your relationship or does he take the whole ignorance is bliss approach like my dad? God, dad's.
    it must be really difficult with your sister, in the way where i understand you want some attention, in a non aggresive way. but it is a really difficult time to be going through, and must be so much worse being older. i guess i was lucky in a way because i dont remember living with my dad or anything...

    let the email read angry, at the end of the day thats how you feel about the situation. he cant be led to belive your happy with what he has done...

    haha ignorence is bliss is his way [= i havnt seen him now since just before christmas 09 i think... and that was only because a teacher from school had died, who happened to be part of my dads family, so he "presumed" id be going because he taught at my school. so i went with my sister to show we were part of his family. then i went to a memorial service with school another time. but that story isnt relevant [= i love rambling haha.

    you will eventually get to the point where you can joke about situations like this, such as i know call him my sperm doner along with my m,ate, her parents divorced and she never saw her dad until recently, and we either call them sperm doners, or fathers

    as it takes a man to be a dad, but anyone can be a father i say [=
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    do what you feel is right in your heart. i wouldnt cut him out completely but i would make him make the effort with you, rather than you making the effort with him. He should come round eventually, well, hopefully. Good Luck x
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    I have nothing very constructive to say, but I sympathise with you completely! I wouldn't completely cut your dad out your life, just have some time away for him, for everything to settle. Hope everything works out!
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    (Original post by pinkmoon)
    Sorry to hear that. Did you find cutting your mum off hard or did it sort of provide a sense of relief? I feel like to me, cutting my dad out is the best thing I could do. I'm moving away to uni to another town, so it would be physically 'easy'. But I do still have doubts for the longterm. Stupid things really like when I have grandkids do I want them to deprive them of a grandad? Yeah, stupid things. :rolleyes: A lot of people seem to believe that when someone cheats, they're just cheating on the partner, but like you said, I feel like my dad chose her over his family, and he has essentially left me and my sister. You are right, a lot of people have it so, so much worse and I hate this wallowing self pity I'm in atm, but I don't seem to be able to drag myself out of it. I've never been like this and I hate myself for it. Gah.

    Don't worry too much about feeling sorry for yourself - we all do it, even for trivial things.

    I was quite upset for a few months because I felt a bit cheated, it made me feel quite worthless that someone would throw me and my family away just because they were desperate...

    But, over time it became more clear that the fault was theirs, and ultimately, she was the one who lost out, and it was her problem not mine - so I just feel sorry for her.

    It was practically very easy to cut them off, just hang up whenever they rang, just return letters unopened, and so on.

    I wouldn't worry about not having a grandfather figure there, I mean, if a few years down the line he has changed then you can always rekindle the relationship, but most kids won't mind at all, they can't miss what they don't know about. My children, if I have them in the future, won't have any grandparents or uncles/aunts on my side - because they aren't around, but I really can't say if I would have rekindled the relationship in the far future --- I guess I'd deal with that one when it came.
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    I think you need to take a break from him. I'm not saying to cut him out of your life just yet (although what you ultimately decide to do is your decision) but just tell him to stop trying to contact you and use the time away from him to reflect on recent events by yourself and think about what YOU want. You need to consider if your life is better off without him.
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    (Original post by Lamps08)
    Prob get it off your parents tbh
    Whaaaaay
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    (Original post by PonchoKid)
    it must be really difficult with your sister, in the way where i understand you want some attention, in a non aggresive way. but it is a really difficult time to be going through, and must be so much worse being older. i guess i was lucky in a way because i dont remember living with my dad or anything...

    let the email read angry, at the end of the day thats how you feel about the situation. he cant be led to belive your happy with what he has done...

    haha ignorence is bliss is his way [= i havnt seen him now since just before christmas 09 i think... and that was only because a teacher from school had died, who happened to be part of my dads family, so he "presumed" id be going because he taught at my school. so i went with my sister to show we were part of his family. then i went to a memorial service with school another time. but that story isnt relevant [= i love rambling haha.

    you will eventually get to the point where you can joke about situations like this, such as i know call him my sperm doner along with my m,ate, her parents divorced and she never saw her dad until recently, and we either call them sperm doners, or fathers

    as it takes a man to be a dad, but anyone can be a father i say [=
    I really hope I get to that point! I'm really indecisive and so I still am not really sure whether to refer to him as my dad, or as you say, sperm donor :P Sorry if this is too personal, but do you miss having a dad? Or do you think life is just better off without him? Haven't seen him since our awkward/horrible lunch on Saturday and tbh, I'm hurt that he hasn't contacted me since to see if I'm okay. But then the other part of me is being nice to him and thinking that maybe, he is giving me time? Either way, I really wish he could just go back to the old person I used to know, but meh, that's not going to happen. Thanks for your reply though!


    (Original post by student1234567891)
    do what you feel is right in your heart. i wouldnt cut him out completely but i would make him make the effort with you, rather than you making the effort with him. He should come round eventually, well, hopefully. Good Luck x
    Yeah that's what I want. I think it should be him making the effort and I have considered sending him this thread/ a similiar sort of email but because I'm stubborn, I don't want to be the first one to make the move. I don't think he knows how I am feeling at all tbh. Either way, the longer he leaves it, the more I feel that maybe I've lost my dad after all. Ach, I'm just so confused! I don't know what I want anymore. Thank you for your reply, and the luck!


    (Original post by obstupefacere)
    Don't worry too much about feeling sorry for yourself - we all do it, even for trivial things.

    I was quite upset for a few months because I felt a bit cheated, it made me feel quite worthless that someone would throw me and my family away just because they were desperate...

    But, over time it became more clear that the fault was theirs, and ultimately, she was the one who lost out, and it was her problem not mine - so I just feel sorry for her.

    It was practically very easy to cut them off, just hang up whenever they rang, just return letters unopened, and so on.

    I wouldn't worry about not having a grandfather figure there, I mean, if a few years down the line he has changed then you can always rekindle the relationship, but most kids won't mind at all, they can't miss what they don't know about. My children, if I have them in the future, won't have any grandparents or uncles/aunts on my side - because they aren't around, but I really can't say if I would have rekindled the relationship in the far future --- I guess I'd deal with that one when it came.
    He never rings me, just emails me. I don't feel like he's fighting for our relationship at all to be honest. So I don't know why I should fight either because to me, it will never really be the same. Anyway, thanks for your response, I think I am going to cut him out, temporarily and just see how that goes. If I don't miss him, and if he doesn't miss me, I guess that's it. Is it weird that I'm kind of mourning for my own dad..well, the old one anyway. One day, I will laugh about this. Hopefully.


    (Original post by issyconnor)
    I think you need to take a break from him. I'm not saying to cut him out of your life just yet (although what you ultimately decide to do is your decision) but just tell him to stop trying to contact you and use the time away from him to reflect on recent events by yourself and think about what YOU want. You need to consider if your life is better off without him.
    Thanks- think i've decided I'm going to cut him out and see how easy I find that. I just wish I could skip this month and head on to freshers where hopefully, this will be the last thing on my mind!:rolleyes:
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    (Original post by pinkmoon)
    I really hope I get to that point! I'm really indecisive and so I still am not really sure whether to refer to him as my dad, or as you say, sperm donor :P Sorry if this is too personal, but do you miss having a dad? Or do you think life is just better off without him? Haven't seen him since our awkward/horrible lunch on Saturday and tbh, I'm hurt that he hasn't contacted me since to see if I'm okay. But then the other part of me is being nice to him and thinking that maybe, he is giving me time? Either way, I really wish he could just go back to the old person I used to know, but meh, that's not going to happen. Thanks for your reply though!
    hahaha its good to laugh and joke about things [=

    i dont miss him at all, but my "step dad" has been there pretty much all my life, ever since i can remember anyway, hes not my real step dad though as him and my mum arnt married, but theyv been together like 17 years or something ridiculous.

    i dont know what it was like when him and mum were together as i wasnt even a year old when we moved out, but i wouldnt change anything i have now for the world.

    leave him to decide what he wants to do, i found this best. if my dad wants to contact me then so be it, i dont see why i should make the effort, at the end of the day i didnt choose to have him as a father, he chose to have me as a child though...

    people change in life, and you cant ever stop that happening, you just have to wait it out and see what happens next [=

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