So sick of being rejected.
I just can't understand why this keeps happening. Please advise. 
Here's the story: I'm in my first year of uni now and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm studying an amazing course and made several great friends, most of whom are female. But at the same time I feel so isolated from everyone else, and whenever I develop feelings for a girl I'm forced to suppress my desires because I know I'll just be rejected again. I have to accept that girls are just not interested in me like they are in other guys, and it's killing me inside.
Last year, on my gap year, I asked a few girls out and was rejected every time. Before that, during my A-Levels, I asked some girls out. One gave me the silent treatment - didn't give me an answer and never responded to my calls or texts (once a month or so). I still haven't spoken to her to this day. Another one became quite indifferent, started making up rumours about me, whispering behind my back and just having a good gossip at my expense. During my GCSE's, I was rejected by at least another 3 girls - none of them appreciated my feelings for them and just went after the guys they wanted (for the record, none of those guys have got anything going for them right now). I've never had any girl ask me out, because I'm just not lucky enough to have that happen. It seems like everything has gone downhill since the first half of secondary school, during which I had a few girlfriends.
After every rejection, I've taken a step back and looked at what went wrong. Every time I wanted to ask a girl out, I would go through the process of assessing my chances, discussing it with friends, planning a special way to approach, waiting for the opportune moment and then going for it. I try to put on a confident face even if I feel like running away, but something always finds a way to go wrong and spoil my chances. It's not my personality as many girls have told me I'm really sweet and special to them. It's not my body or looks as I've been topless in front of girls before and received compliments on my muscular build. It's not my attitude or appearance, as I try my best to come over as smooth, I take care of myself and I treat girls with the utmost respect. So then I really can't understand why they choose to go for the guys who, compared to me, are idiots (don't want to sound arrogant, but it's true).
I'm concerned about falling into depression (despite having plenty of friends and emotional support) because being more than just friends with a girl is so important to me, and I haven't kissed a girl in 7 years. Some would call me a social recluse because I don't drink, but I still go out regularly and enjoy myself in restaurants/bars/cinemas/whatever with my friends. I'm expected to drink myself silly to show others I can have a good time, which girls find attractive. It seems like girls only want to go out with me if we're with a group of other people - never ever alone with me. I'm always putting on a brave face, like I don't care about having a girlfriend, but in reality it's making me more and more miserable.
Yesterday was just another day for me, because I've given up trying to express my affection to any girl I develop feelings for, on any day of the year - let alone Valentine's Day. I stayed in all evening and watched action movies, because no girl (out of maybe 20 I spoke to during the day) was interested in even saying "Happy Valentine's Day" to me. I didn't care that I no-one gave me a rose or a card, but what made it hurt was the fact that several good friends of mine (all girls) wished everyone else a Happy Valentine's and not me. It wasn't a great day because the 2 girls who are most important to me, and to whom I most wanted to wish a Happy Valentine's, avoided me all day. One blatantly ignored me while I tried to speak to her and the other didn't return my phone call.
That's not the end of it: there seems to be a deep-rooted problem with the way girls are treating me at the moment. If a girl happens to start a conversation with me (i.e. through Facebook or phone), I will always reply out of courtesy and apologise if I take more than a few hours to get back to them. But after that, I have never ever received another message from the same girl in the time I took to reply to them. They ask me something, I reply, then silence. Each girl takes about 3 months to reply to a text or phone call - unless I speak to them in person or they need something, in which case they will send me another message and the cycle starts again.
I'm starting to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life, and no girl will ever see anything attractive in me in the way they do with other guys. I've convinced myself that I never want to get married because a girl might just be after my money and not love - so I want to run away to a remote part of the world and get a good job where everyone appreciates me. It makes me feel slightly better knowing that one day, some of the girls will realise how they showed me no affection, and what they missed out on. But I can't go on like this forever.
You want to know the worst part? I've never got past the kissing stage with a girl. I lost my virginity to a 35-year old escort last year.
PS. Cue neg reps! Haters gonna hate - but you will never understand.
Here's the story: I'm in my first year of uni now and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm studying an amazing course and made several great friends, most of whom are female. But at the same time I feel so isolated from everyone else, and whenever I develop feelings for a girl I'm forced to suppress my desires because I know I'll just be rejected again. I have to accept that girls are just not interested in me like they are in other guys, and it's killing me inside.
Last year, on my gap year, I asked a few girls out and was rejected every time. Before that, during my A-Levels, I asked some girls out. One gave me the silent treatment - didn't give me an answer and never responded to my calls or texts (once a month or so). I still haven't spoken to her to this day. Another one became quite indifferent, started making up rumours about me, whispering behind my back and just having a good gossip at my expense. During my GCSE's, I was rejected by at least another 3 girls - none of them appreciated my feelings for them and just went after the guys they wanted (for the record, none of those guys have got anything going for them right now). I've never had any girl ask me out, because I'm just not lucky enough to have that happen. It seems like everything has gone downhill since the first half of secondary school, during which I had a few girlfriends.
After every rejection, I've taken a step back and looked at what went wrong. Every time I wanted to ask a girl out, I would go through the process of assessing my chances, discussing it with friends, planning a special way to approach, waiting for the opportune moment and then going for it. I try to put on a confident face even if I feel like running away, but something always finds a way to go wrong and spoil my chances. It's not my personality as many girls have told me I'm really sweet and special to them. It's not my body or looks as I've been topless in front of girls before and received compliments on my muscular build. It's not my attitude or appearance, as I try my best to come over as smooth, I take care of myself and I treat girls with the utmost respect. So then I really can't understand why they choose to go for the guys who, compared to me, are idiots (don't want to sound arrogant, but it's true).
I'm concerned about falling into depression (despite having plenty of friends and emotional support) because being more than just friends with a girl is so important to me, and I haven't kissed a girl in 7 years. Some would call me a social recluse because I don't drink, but I still go out regularly and enjoy myself in restaurants/bars/cinemas/whatever with my friends. I'm expected to drink myself silly to show others I can have a good time, which girls find attractive. It seems like girls only want to go out with me if we're with a group of other people - never ever alone with me. I'm always putting on a brave face, like I don't care about having a girlfriend, but in reality it's making me more and more miserable.
Yesterday was just another day for me, because I've given up trying to express my affection to any girl I develop feelings for, on any day of the year - let alone Valentine's Day. I stayed in all evening and watched action movies, because no girl (out of maybe 20 I spoke to during the day) was interested in even saying "Happy Valentine's Day" to me. I didn't care that I no-one gave me a rose or a card, but what made it hurt was the fact that several good friends of mine (all girls) wished everyone else a Happy Valentine's and not me. It wasn't a great day because the 2 girls who are most important to me, and to whom I most wanted to wish a Happy Valentine's, avoided me all day. One blatantly ignored me while I tried to speak to her and the other didn't return my phone call.
That's not the end of it: there seems to be a deep-rooted problem with the way girls are treating me at the moment. If a girl happens to start a conversation with me (i.e. through Facebook or phone), I will always reply out of courtesy and apologise if I take more than a few hours to get back to them. But after that, I have never ever received another message from the same girl in the time I took to reply to them. They ask me something, I reply, then silence. Each girl takes about 3 months to reply to a text or phone call - unless I speak to them in person or they need something, in which case they will send me another message and the cycle starts again.
I'm starting to accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life, and no girl will ever see anything attractive in me in the way they do with other guys. I've convinced myself that I never want to get married because a girl might just be after my money and not love - so I want to run away to a remote part of the world and get a good job where everyone appreciates me. It makes me feel slightly better knowing that one day, some of the girls will realise how they showed me no affection, and what they missed out on. But I can't go on like this forever.
You want to know the worst part? I've never got past the kissing stage with a girl. I lost my virginity to a 35-year old escort last year.
PS. Cue neg reps! Haters gonna hate - but you will never understand.
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Forgot to add:
To everyone who gives me constructive advice: Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your help is much appreciated.
To everyone who gives me constructive advice: Thank you for taking the time to read this. Your help is much appreciated.
There is more to life than dating.
I know what you're going through, because I went through something very similar. It sounds like you could use a friend, and maybe some advice, since it really doesn't have to be this way.
But some stuff is really personal, so give me a PM, I'd rather not the entirety of TSR read it, including my ex-girlfriend who trolls around here :P
But some stuff is really personal, so give me a PM, I'd rather not the entirety of TSR read it, including my ex-girlfriend who trolls around here :P
Brother, you are thinking about all this stuff way too much. You say that:
'I'm in my first year of uni now and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm studying an amazing course and made several great friends'
...Success with the ladies aside, it sounds like you've got a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't be so hard on yourself because one day your luck with the girls will be in and if you're 'suppressing all your desires' then you will miss your chance.
'I'm in my first year of uni now and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm studying an amazing course and made several great friends'
...Success with the ladies aside, it sounds like you've got a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't be so hard on yourself because one day your luck with the girls will be in and if you're 'suppressing all your desires' then you will miss your chance.
You're overthinking things WAY too much. Also sounds like you're not getting to the point quick enough when you go in and maybe getting a bit ahead of yourself in your head?
Remember it's all a game, being called 'sweet' and 'special' are negative words when a girl uses them to reject you. Most want a guy to be assertive when they make a move and treating them with 'utmost respect' is a surefire way to make the girl look like the dominant party instead of you.
Get out there and meet lots of people and have a good time. Doesn't matter if you don't drink, go out with your friends and do stuff and talk to girls and be confident and flirt and practice your pulling! If something doesn't work/you get rejected then move on, plenty of fish in the sea. At the end of the evening if you don't pull it's not the end of the world if you've had a good time, there's always tomorrow night.
Doesn't matter if that isn't your real personality, it's the way it is and moping about it isn't going to get you anywhere.
No point in being bitter about other guys getting 'your' girls, it doesn't do yourself any favours.
Valentine's day is *******s so don't get down because of a load of commercial nonsense.
And if you've accepted that you're going to be alone the rest of your life then you've already admitted defeat and looking for sympathy is definitely not attractive to girls.
RE: the escort - hmm, not my cup of tea but whatever floats your boat. Take it for what it was, can't change it now so know point reminding yorurself about it.
In summary, let your penis do more of the talking.
Remember it's all a game, being called 'sweet' and 'special' are negative words when a girl uses them to reject you. Most want a guy to be assertive when they make a move and treating them with 'utmost respect' is a surefire way to make the girl look like the dominant party instead of you.
Get out there and meet lots of people and have a good time. Doesn't matter if you don't drink, go out with your friends and do stuff and talk to girls and be confident and flirt and practice your pulling! If something doesn't work/you get rejected then move on, plenty of fish in the sea. At the end of the evening if you don't pull it's not the end of the world if you've had a good time, there's always tomorrow night.
Doesn't matter if that isn't your real personality, it's the way it is and moping about it isn't going to get you anywhere.
No point in being bitter about other guys getting 'your' girls, it doesn't do yourself any favours.
Valentine's day is *******s so don't get down because of a load of commercial nonsense.
And if you've accepted that you're going to be alone the rest of your life then you've already admitted defeat and looking for sympathy is definitely not attractive to girls.
RE: the escort - hmm, not my cup of tea but whatever floats your boat. Take it for what it was, can't change it now so know point reminding yorurself about it.
In summary, let your penis do more of the talking.
(edited 12 years ago)
From what you've put it sounds like you're so intent on finding a girlfriend that maybe it's preventing you from doing so; it sounds like you like pretty much every female so you're not even taking care of which ones you ask out. If a guy asked me out that has already asked loads of others I would say no.
Have confidence too, that's always attractive. Don't feel down about it
Have confidence too, that's always attractive. Don't feel down about it
(edited 12 years ago)
you're clearly overthinking the whole 'cant get a girlfriend' thing way too much !! just relax! you're what 18? 19? you're in your first year of uni.. your whole life is ahead of you and you have plenty of time to find someone! you need to forget about finding a girlfriend because the girls around you could be seeing it as abit of a desperation thing and maybe thats why theyre saying no... that sounds harsh but if you stop looking the right girl will find you! your too young to be worrying about finding a wife! just chill, be yourself and youll meet her when you're not even looking
Original post by HollyB_C
From what you've put it sounds like you so intent on finding a girlfriend that maybe it's preventing you from doing so; it sounds like you like pretty much every female so you're not even taking care of which ones you ask out. If a guy asked me out that has already asked loads of others I would say no.
Have confidence too, that's always attractive. Don't feel down down about it
Have confidence too, that's always attractive. Don't feel down down about it
Stop acting like you're so much better than him. He's just going through one of those rough patches, where you feel like you'll never get out and you're always sad and depressed.
You'd say "no", well good for you, not everyone is so stuck up.
Original post by Zamolxes
Stop acting like you're so much better than him. He's just going through one of those rough patches, where you feel like you'll never get out and you're always sad and depressed.
You'd say "no", well good for you, not everyone is so stuck up.
You'd say "no", well good for you, not everyone is so stuck up.
Wow, harsh much? She has a perfectly valid point there. It works the other way round too - if I knew a girl had been with lots of guys, or asking lots of guys out, then I wouldn't think that she was being all that serious about a relationship if she asked me out, so i'd probably say no.
Original post by Quornslice
Wow, harsh much? She has a perfectly valid point there. It works the other way round too - if I knew a girl had been with lots of guys, or asking lots of guys out, then I wouldn't think that she was being all that serious about a relationship if she asked me out, so i'd probably say no.
My point is that you shouldn't make judgements about a person before you know them. As for the "number" of people. That's only a turn off if you're immature. Who cares with how many people they've been with. Some people have bad luck, not everyone is lucky enough to find someone perfect their first relationship.
Original post by Zamolxes
Stop acting like you're so much better than him. He's just going through one of those rough patches, where you feel like you'll never get out and you're always sad and depressed.
You'd say "no", well good for you, not everyone is so stuck up.
You'd say "no", well good for you, not everyone is so stuck up.
Woah, that is completely unnecessary. How you've got to the conclusion that "I am acting like I'm so much better than him" is beyond me - certainly not my intentions.
I'm not stuck up, that is not fair! If a person asks loads of girls out then it appears that he doesn't really like you, juts wants something off of you - even though that may not be the case.
Original post by Zamolxes
My point is that you shouldn't make judgements about a person before you know them. As for the "number" of people. That's only a turn off if you're immature. Who cares with how many people they've been with. Some people have bad luck, not everyone is lucky enough to find someone perfect their first relationship.
If someone had previously dated a lot of people, it wouldn't bother me. What would bother me is if a guy was clearly just looking to get with a girl, any girl would do and I was just one in a que of people he was willing to ask. I think that's the point HollyB_C was trying to make.
Original post by HollyB_C
Woah, that is completely unnecessary. How you've got to the conclusion that "I am acting like I'm so much better than him" is beyond me - certainly not my intentions.
I'm not stuck up, that is not fair! If a person asks loads of girls out then it appears that he doesn't really like you, juts wants something off of you - even though that may not be the case.
I'm not stuck up, that is not fair! If a person asks loads of girls out then it appears that he doesn't really like you, juts wants something off of you - even though that may not be the case.
The guy is depressed, he's having a **** time and the way you help is listing reasons why you wouldn't go out with someone like him.
He never said he asks a girl out every five minutes. Just that every girl he likes turns out rejecting him.
Original post by Zamolxes
The guy is depressed, he's having a **** time and the way you help is listing reasons why you wouldn't go out with someone like him.
He never said he asks a girl out every five minutes. Just that every girl he likes turns out rejecting him.
He never said he asks a girl out every five minutes. Just that every girl he likes turns out rejecting him.
I get that, I was trying to make the point that he seems to be focusing on it too much. You seem to be all about helping people, yet you try and antagonize me
I think it's clear that there wasn't any malicious undertones to that message, I was offering forth a reason why these girls might turn him down.
Original post by HollyB_C
I get that, I was trying to make the point that he seems to be focusing on it too much. You seem to be all about helping people, yet you try and antagonize me
I think it's clear that there wasn't any malicious undertones to that message, I was offering forth a reason why these girls might turn him down.
I think it's clear that there wasn't any malicious undertones to that message, I was offering forth a reason why these girls might turn him down.
You weren't being malicious
he's just misunderstood your point.
Women aren't everything son. Live your life, do the things you enjoy and women will come along. If you sit around whining that you're not getting any, you won't get any.
Original post by HollyB_C
From what you've put it sounds like you're so intent on finding a girlfriend that maybe it's preventing you from doing so; it sounds like you like pretty much every female so you're not even taking care of which ones you ask out. If a guy asked me out that has already asked loads of others I would say no.
Have confidence too, that's always attractive. Don't feel down about it
Have confidence too, that's always attractive. Don't feel down about it
To address OP's point, I don't think that he's been asking out EVERY female, and not taking care who he's asking. I simply get that he has been truly making an effort, and it's dissapointing that nothing has become of the girls he has been making effort with over the several years he's been trying, which means that he's probably tried a couple girls a year, which is not a lot.
It's easy to say "have confidence" but not able to do it. In my younger, more scraggly days I once felt much like OP. I knew I was "supposed" to have confidence and tried to act like it, but usually people can see through poor imitations.
I think the other poster got a bit upset because you seem to make it seem like it's OP's fault (I know that was not your intention, but it SEEMS so) and that possibly he's not been "genuine" in asking out the ladies
Original post by dgeorge
To address OP's point, I don't think that he's been asking out EVERY female, and not taking care who he's asking. I simply get that he has been truly making an effort, and it's dissapointing that nothing has become of the girls he has been making effort with over the several years he's been trying, which means that he's probably tried a couple girls a year, which is not a lot.
It's easy to say "have confidence" but not able to do it. In my younger, more scraggly days I once felt much like OP. I knew I was "supposed" to have confidence and tried to act like it, but usually people can see through poor imitations.
I think the other poster got a bit upset because you seem to make it seem like it's OP's fault (I know that was not your intention, but it SEEMS so) and that possibly he's not been "genuine" in asking out the ladies
It's easy to say "have confidence" but not able to do it. In my younger, more scraggly days I once felt much like OP. I knew I was "supposed" to have confidence and tried to act like it, but usually people can see through poor imitations.
I think the other poster got a bit upset because you seem to make it seem like it's OP's fault (I know that was not your intention, but it SEEMS so) and that possibly he's not been "genuine" in asking out the ladies
It appears diplomacy has not escaped everyone
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