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Is there hope for this unhappy relationship

I'll make this as brief as I can but it's a fairly complicated situation that has just got me completely stumped...

My boyfriend and I have been together for the best part of two years and are both going to University in September (all being well) - him in Scotland and me in East of England - so a fair distance considering that we have spent our entire relationship so far living in the same town.

I really care about him a lot but I'm not sure that I'm in love with him. Also, we argue ridiculous amounts. I'm not sure whether or not it would be accurate to say that he suffers from depression but he does have extremely "down" moods increasingly often that cause him to act irrationally, and when the arguments have passed and we can talk rationally he can accept that this is the case.

It got so bad recently that we had to just stop seeing eachother and cut down talking to eachother because we just kept bickering and sometimes full-scale arguing and it just didn't allow us to concentrate on revising for our exams, so we've basically decided to get through the exams as best we can and sort out our relationship once the stress of A Levels is out of the way. I've been feeling desperately unhappy and I can't put my finger on whether it's just due to the arguments or if the problem runs deeper.

It's been about two weeks now and we've been talking and I can tell he's trying really hard to be nice in order for our relationship to survive but part of me almost resents this as I am extremely hurt from some of the arguments we've had that have been very serious indeed, even leaving me to be genuinely scared on some occasions. It's funny because other than the one close friend and my mum who I have confided in (I don't like to moan about my relationship to friends because it's up and down a lot...) everyone sees us as a "perfect couple".

That's by the by I suppose, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking... just whether it's worth trying to stay together at Uni and risking breaking up while I'm there, miles away from my family and friends who I'd lean on for support. Is it worth salvaging this relationship... At the moment I'm just feeling very unhappy, and have been for a couple of months now - what would you suggest that I do?

Reply 1

reenin

As cliche as it sounds, life is TOO short to be feeling unhappy.
It sucks that sometimes you invest so much emotionally and time wise for it to come to nothing BUT it's better that it's done now rather than later (which will probably happen, as it sounds as though you are both unhappy within the relationship)
It's sad but I think that the best thing to do is leave it where it is. Let this be the end, as it seems to have run it's course, rather than struggling to hold onto it for years to come when it is hurting you. It will only hurt more later.
PM me if you need anything at all. I'm always happy to just listen.
xx

Reply 2

aaaammmm

I’ve been in a situation like this myself, my boyfriend and I were together for two years, (he’s a year older than me) before he went off to university. At this point in our relationship things were up and down, but we decided to stay together – it was a lot harder that year than this year, as he was at university and I was stuck at home, but now we’re both at university and you find you do still talk often but it doesn’t bother you as much because you’re both off doing the same thing, and so long as you trust them it’s fine.
My boyfriend suffers from depression and anxiety, and we have argued ridiculous amounts of times, and a lot of hurtful stuff has been said, we both regret it after, and often we’ve broken up over it, or just ask each other if there’s a point anymore. I love him and I know if I didn’t give the relationship a chance then I could regret it. And yes sometimes if you are really unhappy and cannot see it being resolved then end it, you’ll be moving to uni and you will find a support system there and you’ll get to start a fresh!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now, and although we have ups and downs it has been worth it for me. You just need to figure out if you’d be happy to stay with your boyfriend, and if you want to make the effort to try. Tell him you’re scared of breaking up at uni, tell him how you feel.
Or go on a break for a couple of weeks, act as if he’s not your boyfriend, and see how you feel.
It’s a decision up to you, and everyone will have different thoughts on it – a lot of people want to be single at university and see it as one of the key bits. But also, if you’re not ‘in love’ with him, it’s not always worth your time and energy to be with someone you can’t picture yourself being with for the long term – especially if you’re going to uni.

Reply 3

somebodytoldmexo

I think you know deep down that this relationship isn't right for you but are understandably scared about what breaking up might mean.
You're doing the right thing with concentrating on exams rather than letting the arguments get you down too much at this crucial time so for now carry on with the minimal contact - you may both find how much happier you are when you're not at eachothers throats the whole time. And after exams when that stress has passed and you can give more attention to your relationship, you're going to have to be completely honest with him about how you feel.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

It seems like your boyfriend wants this relationship more than you do, is that correct?

Reply 5

Anonymous #2

I feel like I am in the same situation. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about 18 months and I just don't feel happy anymore. Problem is, we have a holiday booked for a few months time and I don't know what to do. Wait until after then (by which time I will be leaving to go to uni) and see how things progress over the next few months or do I bite the bullet?

I feel like I can't give you any advice because I dont know what to do either :frown: