Ramblings on Edinburgh, rain & art.
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Original post by Niki_girl
I think the main thing is that you tried, and you pushed yourself to your physical limit, then, deciding that it would be harmful to yourself to continue, you stopped. This is actually a very sensible decision. Yes, you've delayed in maye meeting some people, but people exist everywhere, anytime, any place, and would you have rather felt comfortable with yourself and your own decision, or made yourself upset in front of a room of strangers, if you didn't feel ready to deal with that?
I think it's important to keep testing your limits, and attempting to enter unfamiliar situations as you did, but in my opinion you did the right thing if you prevented yourself from getting upset and ruining your evening. There will be other opportunities to meet people, and by the sound of it, you are getting closer to overcoming different obstacles every day
These things take time, and you have plently of time to adjust at whatever pace you want!
I think it's important to keep testing your limits, and attempting to enter unfamiliar situations as you did, but in my opinion you did the right thing if you prevented yourself from getting upset and ruining your evening. There will be other opportunities to meet people, and by the sound of it, you are getting closer to overcoming different obstacles every day
These things take time, and you have plently of time to adjust at whatever pace you want!
My rational bit of brain really likes you right now
It's generally a much better first impression if I don't burst out crying...there's other stuff going on. And I can maybe...do that. Although I have tickets to a gig in Glasgow in October and I have NO idea how that's gonna happen. Ah well, it's still September yet...
Original post by twinlensreflex
Ah well, it's still September yet...
Exactly, October is still at least 2 weeks away, and 2 weeks ago you hadn't even left home! Rome wasn't built in a day
Original post by Niki_girl
Exactly, October is still at least 2 weeks away, and 2 weeks ago you hadn't even left home! Rome wasn't built in a day
True... I do have a spare ticket. But I'd need a friend for that
Steve-mail has reached just under 50. In four days. My mum thinks he's sweet anyway. I've been told to sleep, not that that'll really happen. I end up getting to sleep 2-3ish & I get up 7:20 to be in for 9. Personal tutor change is pretty much sorted though...
Original post by NW86
I'm not sure what it is, but there's something really touching about your blog. I'm really enjoying reading it. Please keep it up, I'm enjoying the adventure
Awwh thank you! :3 I think you're stuck with me by now anyway...
Well today has been...hysterical/good/productive/lovely. It's the sorta day where I go 'yup, THIS is why I came hundreds of miles to go to art school'. Did I ever tell you the names of the people in my studio group? Maybe it doesn't matter. Anyway, one came in still slightly drunk, and she's pretty funny without being drunk...so that was hysterical at some points. The only guy in our group of six made her be the spokesperson for when we had to present our ideas to several tutors. It was cruel, but fairly funny (in that painful 'oh **** I can't watch' way) she had no idea what she was talking about
He rescued her eventually though. Last night he'd managed to stab himself in the leg cutting out hexagons for our voyage thing (it's turned into a hexagonal/pentagonal circle-ish thing), no one quite knows how...We actually got stuff done for once though
I know where the materials shop is now too, we needed more masking tape (went through so much...) so the new photography tutor (who is also the semester tutor for my studio group) showed me. She did her degree here, which was sweet. Stephen's been showing her 'round the bits she never went to as a student, he popped in to check she was doing okay (first day teaching, awwh) and came to say hi to me. Which was nice. I actually spoke (so proud ). I did quite a bit of speaking actually, I'm more comfortable with my group now... We finished putting it all together by 1ish, although it's slightly wonky. But Stephen came back to see how we were doing, and 'cos he wanted to talk to me about passing information on to the new photography woman, seeing as she'll be in studio with me... We walked out together and I didn't get lost 
He did suggest a cafe for me to go to and read, but I had no idea where it was meant to be I said it rarely rained yesterday. Today has been my punishment for such foolishness. NO SUNSHINE AT ALL.
But I did know that So I"m at home, doing my washing. It's funny, I've started calling my flat home now. And home home is just Leicester, instead of being home. I guess that's good I'm trying hard not to cry - but good crying. Not anxious crying, but...I don't know. Good.
Steve emailed asking to share my handy guide to if I get my knickers in a twist. I'd gone a whole day without bothering him with emails/pointless questions. he started it... Anyway. Apparently I shall now be known as my full name - Eléna. Which apparently, and I quote, "Sounds like someone who will be famous". Which sounds pretty much like something my mum would say. Or my Star Wars fanboy of an old tutors. Sweet all the same, but not something to be believed. I tend not to believe nice things said about me.
But he emailed me a quote and an artist to look at. Martin Creed is now somewhere near the top of my favourite artist list, simply because he's pretty inarticulate whilst speaking. But his writing is lovely, and it was a mixture of the quote & another recommended piece that's made me want to cry. Perhaps feeling so...alone up here makes me more open than usual, my need for conversation/interaction with other people more pronounced. So I jump at the first chance for any of that. But here, quote.
"I don't know what I want to say. I don't know what I want to say, but, to
try to say something, I think I want to try to think. I want to try to see
what I think. I think trying is a big part of it, I think thinking is a
big part of it, and I think wanting is a big part of it, but saying it is
difficult, and I find saying trying and nearly always wanting. I want what
I want to say to go without saying."
Martin Creed, 2001
And work 470:
If you're lonely...
Work... this is work. This is hard work. Talking about work is work.
Thinking is work. Words are work. Words are things, shapes. It's hard
to compose them, to put them in any kind of order. Words don't add up.
Numbers add up! Things are everywhere. Everything is something,
everything has something, but not everyone has someone. It's hard to
distinguish between things, to separate things. I'm in a soup of
thoughts, feelings and things, and words. Actually, it's more like a
purée... or thick and stiff, like a paté. I'm in a paté and it's hard
to move. It needs a lot of work to get out of it — or to separate it
and find something in it. Thoughts, thoughts, sometimes I want to stop
them, but it's hard to stop them. It's work. Dealing with thoughts,
that's work.
Thoughts, thoughts, don't come! Stop! Please! When you're going to
sleep and you can't stop thinking, thoughts queueing up, that's when
you need drugs — or a notebook.
I want something to ease the pain. I want to get out of my head.
Smoking used to help. For a long time smoking made my life bearable. I
gave up smoking because I couldn't do it enough. I couldn't smoke
enough. It was never enough. I wanted to smoke all the time, to breathe
in all the time, but I couldn't, not in the shower, not when I was
talking, not when I was eating. I wanted something I could do all the
time. Not smoking, that was something I could do all the time.
I am an addict in search of drugs.
Maybe working is trying, and work — the result of work — is everything
that one tries to do. Trying... looking for excitement, or trying to
handle it and use it to get out of the paté. Trying to do things;
talking. Or maybe testing is a good way of putting it: testing things
out. Testing things out by putting things about, and all the time
trying, hoping to be excited, wanting. Wanting is what makes me work:
excitement, desire for something.
Sometimes people say: 'What the **** do you think you're doing? That's
not art.'
I say: '**** off, *******s!'
*******s... they are something to get excited about, something to work
for.
Work is a fight against loneliness, against low self esteem, against
depression, and against staying in bed. Sometimes my self esteem is so
low that I cannot reach it even when I'm feeling down.
I want to be on my own, but I don't want to be alone.
Work is everything, I think. Everything is work. Everything that
involves energy, mental or physical. So... everything, apart from being
dead. Living...
I don't know how anyone can do it.
How can anyone get through it?
I can see why people hide.
I can see why people commit suicide.
If you're lonely,
If you're sad,
If you're lovely,
If you're mad,
Then this is for you.
Ignore the smoking & drugs and that's quite close to me. Add back in the smoking (I'm not asking about the drugs...) and you get something apparently close to Steve.
It helps - so much - to know that there's this hugely successful artist who isn't articulate and says so much that I like/agree with & who didn't much like art school because he was unsociable. And equally as much to know Steve is similar. So it's almost happy tears, of not being alone. In this city, at ECA and maybe more importantly in the way I feel about art/my work.
Hm.
Steve emailed asking to share my handy guide to if I get my knickers in a twist. I'd gone a whole day without bothering him with emails/pointless questions.
he started it... Anyway. Apparently I shall now be known as my full name - Eléna. Which apparently, and I quote, "Sounds like someone who will be famous". Which sounds pretty much like something my mum would say. Or my Star Wars fanboy of an old tutors. Sweet all the same, but not something to be believed. I tend not to believe nice things said about me. But he emailed me a quote and an artist to look at. Martin Creed is now somewhere near the top of my favourite artist list, simply because he's pretty inarticulate whilst speaking. But his writing is lovely, and it was a mixture of the quote & another recommended piece that's made me want to cry. Perhaps feeling so...alone up here makes me more open than usual, my need for conversation/interaction with other people more pronounced. So I jump at the first chance for any of that. But here, quote.
"I don't know what I want to say. I don't know what I want to say, but, to
try to say something, I think I want to try to think. I want to try to see
what I think. I think trying is a big part of it, I think thinking is a
big part of it, and I think wanting is a big part of it, but saying it is
difficult, and I find saying trying and nearly always wanting. I want what
I want to say to go without saying."
Martin Creed, 2001
And work 470:
If you're lonely...
Work... this is work. This is hard work. Talking about work is work.
Thinking is work. Words are work. Words are things, shapes. It's hard
to compose them, to put them in any kind of order. Words don't add up.
Numbers add up! Things are everywhere. Everything is something,
everything has something, but not everyone has someone. It's hard to
distinguish between things, to separate things. I'm in a soup of
thoughts, feelings and things, and words. Actually, it's more like a
purée... or thick and stiff, like a paté. I'm in a paté and it's hard
to move. It needs a lot of work to get out of it — or to separate it
and find something in it. Thoughts, thoughts, sometimes I want to stop
them, but it's hard to stop them. It's work. Dealing with thoughts,
that's work.
Thoughts, thoughts, don't come! Stop! Please! When you're going to
sleep and you can't stop thinking, thoughts queueing up, that's when
you need drugs — or a notebook.
I want something to ease the pain. I want to get out of my head.
Smoking used to help. For a long time smoking made my life bearable. I
gave up smoking because I couldn't do it enough. I couldn't smoke
enough. It was never enough. I wanted to smoke all the time, to breathe
in all the time, but I couldn't, not in the shower, not when I was
talking, not when I was eating. I wanted something I could do all the
time. Not smoking, that was something I could do all the time.
I am an addict in search of drugs.
Maybe working is trying, and work — the result of work — is everything
that one tries to do. Trying... looking for excitement, or trying to
handle it and use it to get out of the paté. Trying to do things;
talking. Or maybe testing is a good way of putting it: testing things
out. Testing things out by putting things about, and all the time
trying, hoping to be excited, wanting. Wanting is what makes me work:
excitement, desire for something.
Sometimes people say: 'What the **** do you think you're doing? That's
not art.'
I say: '**** off, *******s!'
*******s... they are something to get excited about, something to work
for.
Work is a fight against loneliness, against low self esteem, against
depression, and against staying in bed. Sometimes my self esteem is so
low that I cannot reach it even when I'm feeling down.
I want to be on my own, but I don't want to be alone.
Work is everything, I think. Everything is work. Everything that
involves energy, mental or physical. So... everything, apart from being
dead. Living...
I don't know how anyone can do it.
How can anyone get through it?
I can see why people hide.
I can see why people commit suicide.
If you're lonely,
If you're sad,
If you're lovely,
If you're mad,
Then this is for you.
Ignore the smoking & drugs and that's quite close to me. Add back in the smoking (I'm not asking about the drugs...) and you get something apparently close to Steve.
It helps - so much - to know that there's this hugely successful artist who isn't articulate and says so much that I like/agree with & who didn't much like art school because he was unsociable. And equally as much to know Steve is similar. So it's almost happy tears, of not being alone. In this city, at ECA and maybe more importantly in the way I feel about art/my work.
Hm.
I love how the most random posts get repped it's interesting to know which people like more though...
Sleeping is even worse than yesterday. Hence 4:46am blogging. I got to sleep about 1ish, woke up at half past because people were being noisy. And now I've been awake since a bit after 4. I highly doubt I'll get any decent sleep now. If I had any energy at all I'd get up & do something. I'm fairly sure I'm getting flu-y. Despite mostly eating vegetables. Gaah.
There wasn't any point to this.
it's interesting to know which people like more though...Sleeping is even worse than yesterday. Hence 4:46am blogging. I got to sleep about 1ish, woke up at half past because people were being noisy. And now I've been awake since a bit after 4. I highly doubt I'll get any decent sleep now. If I had any energy at all I'd get up & do something. I'm fairly sure I'm getting flu-y. Despite mostly eating vegetables. Gaah.
There wasn't any point to this.
Original post by twinlensreflex
I love how the most random posts get repped it's interesting to know which people like more though...
Sleeping is even worse than yesterday. Hence 4:46am blogging. I got to sleep about 1ish, woke up at half past because people were being noisy. And now I've been awake since a bit after 4. I highly doubt I'll get any decent sleep now. If I had any energy at all I'd get up & do something. I'm fairly sure I'm getting flu-y. Despite mostly eating vegetables. Gaah.
There wasn't any point to this.
it's interesting to know which people like more though...Sleeping is even worse than yesterday. Hence 4:46am blogging. I got to sleep about 1ish, woke up at half past because people were being noisy. And now I've been awake since a bit after 4. I highly doubt I'll get any decent sleep now. If I had any energy at all I'd get up & do something. I'm fairly sure I'm getting flu-y. Despite mostly eating vegetables. Gaah.
There wasn't any point to this.
freshers flue is unavoidable, when i was at uni every year 1st week of october without fail I'd get a chest infection haha... you'll do great there! Just relax and enjoy, my first few weeks of uni were a bit rough too, but as everyone settles in its gets better
You'll have to send me some photo's of your art!
Original post by lcsurfer
freshers flue is unavoidable, when i was at uni every year 1st week of october without fail I'd get a chest infection haha... you'll do great there! Just relax and enjoy, my first few weeks of uni were a bit rough too, but as everyone settles in its gets better
You'll have to send me some photo's of your art!
You'll have to send me some photo's of your art!
Oh hello!
I lasted a week & a bit without feeling I'll...now it's lots of nausea & coldness
which hugely sucks! I was gonna add some sketchbook pages, and possibly our voyage thing when it's done Original post by twinlensreflex
Oh hello!
I lasted a week & a bit without feeling I'll...now it's lots of nausea & coldness which hugely sucks! I was gonna add some sketchbook pages, and possibly our voyage thing when it's done
I lasted a week & a bit without feeling I'll...now it's lots of nausea & coldness
which hugely sucks! I was gonna add some sketchbook pages, and possibly our voyage thing when it's done haha nice! aww cool, my artisitic skills don't get better than stick men to be honest :P
Aww yeah the illness sucks, just ride it out it'll go in a few days. How is the beautiful city of edinburgh?
I'm dreading UK weather when i come back for a short visit in november... i don't own a coat or jumper :/
Original post by lcsurfer
haha nice! aww cool, my artisitic skills don't get better than stick men to be honest :P
Aww yeah the illness sucks, just ride it out it'll go in a few days. How is the beautiful city of edinburgh?
I'm dreading UK weather when i come back for a short visit in november... i don't own a coat or jumper :/
Aww yeah the illness sucks, just ride it out it'll go in a few days. How is the beautiful city of edinburgh?
I'm dreading UK weather when i come back for a short visit in november... i don't own a coat or jumper :/
I'll drink lots of tea, that cures all
it's beautiful of course! Although starting to be cold already. :/ 
I don't anyone who doesn't own a jumper! I haven't slept since 4. JOY.
Original post by twinlensreflex
I'll drink lots of tea, that cures all it's beautiful of course! Although starting to be cold already. :/ I don't anyone who doesn't own a jumper!
I haven't slept since 4. JOY.
it's beautiful of course! Although starting to be cold already. :/ I don't anyone who doesn't own a jumper! I haven't slept since 4. JOY.
aww jelous! I'm currently stuck in the office and theres some crazy thunderstorm and rain going on... Yeah no need for one here when its plus 30 most days!
That sucks.. keep me company messaging on skype if you have it?
Original post by lcsurfer
aww jelous! I'm currently stuck in the office and theres some crazy thunderstorm and rain going on... Yeah no need for one here when its plus 30 most days!
That sucks.. keep me company messaging on skype if you have it?
That sucks.. keep me company messaging on skype if you have it?
It's sunny at the moment, but it's like...10C out there!
think I'd melt in +30C!I have to leave in a bit anyways, I like being in early
Original post by twinlensreflex
It's sunny at the moment, but it's like...10C out there! think I'd melt in +30C!
I have to leave in a bit anyways, I like being in early
think I'd melt in +30C!I have to leave in a bit anyways, I like being in early
its soo hot you can't wear any type of make up to wrok as its gone byt the time you get there :P
10 degrees... mmm with airconditioning its a toasty 19 degrees at the moment
oooh early bird! i wish i was, i can roll out of bed and be on my way to work in 15 minutes now... it's an art form!
Original post by lcsurfer
its soo hot you can't wear any type of make up to wrok as its gone byt the time you get there :P
10 degrees... mmm with airconditioning its a toasty 19 degrees at the moment
oooh early bird! i wish i was, i can roll out of bed and be on my way to work in 15 minutes now... it's an art form!
10 degrees... mmm with airconditioning its a toasty 19 degrees at the moment
oooh early bird! i wish i was, i can roll out of bed and be on my way to work in 15 minutes now... it's an art form!
Seeing as I don't wear makeup I could live with that
19 is...better. Pptfft it takes 15-20 minutes to walk n, depending on super long traffic lights & how energetic I am. I need about an hour to be awake & fully functioning, and 10 minutes to shower.
Original post by twinlensreflex
Seeing as I don't wear makeup I could live with that 19 is...better.
Pptfft it takes 15-20 minutes to walk n, depending on super long traffic lights & how energetic I am. I need about an hour to be awake & fully functioning, and 10 minutes to shower.
19 is...better. Pptfft it takes 15-20 minutes to walk n, depending on super long traffic lights & how energetic I am. I need about an hour to be awake & fully functioning, and 10 minutes to shower.
Join the club! I keep saying at work i am physically useless before 10am, i just don't wake up properly so can i have a lie in
.... not working so far :/what classes do you have today? anything interesting?
Original post by lcsurfer
Join the club! I keep saying at work i am physically useless before 10am, i just don't wake up properly so can i have a lie in .... not working so far :/
what classes do you have today? anything interesting?
.... not working so far :/what classes do you have today? anything interesting?
It takes way longer if I don't have coffee
but yay for being cool like that!No real classes, just working on our group studio project still. I have a lecture on Monday though
I'm nice & early, so for once the canteen bit is lovely & quiet. Apart from studios or empty offices I feel bad using it's the only place where I can really sit & work. Or not, like now
Original post by twinlensreflex
It takes way longer if I don't have coffee but yay for being cool like that!
No real classes, just working on our group studio project still. I have a lecture on Monday though
I'm nice & early, so for once the canteen bit is lovely & quiet. Apart from studios or empty offices I feel bad using it's the only place where I can really sit & work. Or not, like now
but yay for being cool like that!No real classes, just working on our group studio project still. I have a lecture on Monday though
I'm nice & early, so for once the canteen bit is lovely & quiet. Apart from studios or empty offices I feel bad using it's the only place where I can really sit & work. Or not, like now
haha.. eewww coffee, can never get used to the taste! im a tea girl
Nice one, yeah its good when the lectures start up, get to meet a lot more people. We had a lot of fun/banter in lectures, one of my lecturers insulted me a lot for stupid answers in lectures...
aww that's good, i miss canteen food strangely... haha :P well il take the blame for that! I keep getting distracted and looking out the window as the views amazing at the moment.
Great blog! Stephen sounds like a good guy to have as a tutor.
I live in Edinburgh and although I'm not a student I was wondering about arranging a 'TSR Meet' for the new students (and old students, and locals) to get together sometime, maybe in October once everyone's a bit more settled down. Anyone interested in that idea?
I live in Edinburgh and although I'm not a student I was wondering about arranging a 'TSR Meet' for the new students (and old students, and locals) to get together sometime, maybe in October once everyone's a bit more settled down. Anyone interested in that idea?
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