Boyfriend's mum had a go at me...
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You must be annoying irl. If you're afraid of getting caught with a bf by your dad, don't get a bf who isn't willing to be hid.
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Original post by BWV1007
You must be annoying irl. If you're afraid of getting caught with a bf by your dad, don't get a bf who isn't willing to be hid.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I am not dating someone my parents will not approve of that I want to hide him or not be caught with him. That is not the reason I have not told my dad.
The reason for my not telling my dad is because I would like to build and establish a relationship first before introducing him. If I introduced everyone I ever dated to my parents, they would start to wonder what's going on. Therefore, I want to save it for someone who I think I will have a future with, until I have made that choice, I will wait.
First of all, everyone seems to be hating on the mother. This is a proud Jamaican Woman who is just looking out for her son.
You have every right to not reveal this to your dad yet but she has every right to question it. You don't have to do what she says but she has a right to answers even if she doesn't like them. Its her son, she's looking out for him as would any respectable mother.
My mother is very open with me about girls, if she doesn't like them she tells me but says she respects my choice. She's only hated one thankfully, the rest shes had a ball of time.
Another thing to think about would be:
1) Yes your boyfriend wants you to feel comfortable...that doesn't mean his feelings haven't been hurt by it.
2) When you reveal to your dad that you've had a boyfriend for the past 3+ months and you have essentially been lying to him...how is he going to feel? Personally I'd be a bit suspicious about him if I found out you'd been hiding it for so much time.
Overall I think you're overthinking the whole thing. I personally just bring my girl round when she asks/i invite her. No reason to hide her. I'm my own man, if my parents don't like her...meh, they can suck one and deal with it.
p.s. I highly doubt your parents marriage is perfect so what right does your dad have to DEMAND that you have one?
You have every right to not reveal this to your dad yet but she has every right to question it. You don't have to do what she says but she has a right to answers even if she doesn't like them. Its her son, she's looking out for him as would any respectable mother.
My mother is very open with me about girls, if she doesn't like them she tells me but says she respects my choice. She's only hated one thankfully, the rest shes had a ball of time.
Another thing to think about would be:
1) Yes your boyfriend wants you to feel comfortable...that doesn't mean his feelings haven't been hurt by it.
2) When you reveal to your dad that you've had a boyfriend for the past 3+ months and you have essentially been lying to him...how is he going to feel? Personally I'd be a bit suspicious about him if I found out you'd been hiding it for so much time.
Overall I think you're overthinking the whole thing. I personally just bring my girl round when she asks/i invite her. No reason to hide her. I'm my own man, if my parents don't like her...meh, they can suck one and deal with it.
p.s. I highly doubt your parents marriage is perfect so what right does your dad have to DEMAND that you have one?
Original post by stargirl63
I am not dating someone my parents will not approve of that I want to hide him or not be caught with him. That is not the reason I have not told my dad.
The reason for my not telling my dad is because I would like to build and establish a relationship first before introducing him. If I introduced everyone I ever dated to my parents, they would start to wonder what's going on. Therefore, I want to save it for someone who I think I will have a future with, until I have made that choice, I will wait.
The reason for my not telling my dad is because I would like to build and establish a relationship first before introducing him. If I introduced everyone I ever dated to my parents, they would start to wonder what's going on. Therefore, I want to save it for someone who I think I will have a future with, until I have made that choice, I will wait.
Then try to explain this to your boyfriend's mum, so she doesn't get the wrong idea.
Even if you don't introduce your boyfriend to your parents, is there any reason why you wouldn't tell your parents that you're seeing someone?
Looking at the bigger picture how would you're mum/dad feel if they'd met yer other half but his parents still have no idea you exist even though they're close?
Or if you fast forward twenty years or so it is YOUR son who has a partner who's parents know nothing about him?
My mum and dad are more likely to get upset about me not telling hem i'm in a relationship than it not being what they feel is the 'right' person for me.
I understand why you've got upset but other people have feelings too his mum is probably hurt thinking you're ashamed of him and he could possibly think the same.
Yes you should tell your parents when YOUR ready but you should also be prepared for other people not understanding why you haven't yet.
Edit: Sorry if this comes across bitchy and horrible :-) xx
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Or if you fast forward twenty years or so it is YOUR son who has a partner who's parents know nothing about him?
My mum and dad are more likely to get upset about me not telling hem i'm in a relationship than it not being what they feel is the 'right' person for me.
I understand why you've got upset but other people have feelings too his mum is probably hurt thinking you're ashamed of him and he could possibly think the same.
Yes you should tell your parents when YOUR ready but you should also be prepared for other people not understanding why you haven't yet.
Edit: Sorry if this comes across bitchy and horrible :-) xx
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You've only been together 3 months, jeez.
I would find it very presumptuous for someone else to give me a deadline about my relationship that, rather crucially, they are not a part of. Not the least because they wouldn't know all the details about my own familial relationships and the full extent of my reasoning to tell or not to tell them what I like.
You need to set it straight that people aren't allowed to interfere in such a manner. Your boyfriend isn't a child or a teenager, he's an adult and his mother shouldn't be mollycoddling him or standing up for him if that's what she feels she is doing - he needs to do it himself. If it's your boyfriend who actually feels uncomfortable with not having met your dad, talk to him about it. If it is actually just an issue that only she sees, then explain that it's your prerogative, not hers, and that you're the one to make choices in a relationship, and that, frankly, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
I would find it very presumptuous for someone else to give me a deadline about my relationship that, rather crucially, they are not a part of. Not the least because they wouldn't know all the details about my own familial relationships and the full extent of my reasoning to tell or not to tell them what I like.
You need to set it straight that people aren't allowed to interfere in such a manner. Your boyfriend isn't a child or a teenager, he's an adult and his mother shouldn't be mollycoddling him or standing up for him if that's what she feels she is doing - he needs to do it himself. If it's your boyfriend who actually feels uncomfortable with not having met your dad, talk to him about it. If it is actually just an issue that only she sees, then explain that it's your prerogative, not hers, and that you're the one to make choices in a relationship, and that, frankly, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Original post by stargirl63
I am not dating someone my parents will not approve of that I want to hide him or not be caught with him. That is not the reason I have not told my dad.
The reason for my not telling my dad is because I would like to build and establish a relationship first before introducing him. If I introduced everyone I ever dated to my parents, they would start to wonder what's going on. Therefore, I want to save it for someone who I think I will have a future with, until I have made that choice, I will wait.
The reason for my not telling my dad is because I would like to build and establish a relationship first before introducing him. If I introduced everyone I ever dated to my parents, they would start to wonder what's going on. Therefore, I want to save it for someone who I think I will have a future with, until I have made that choice, I will wait.
Even if your intention was not to hide your bf, your action is still that: hiding your bf from your father.
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Original post by Steezy
Are you white? She might think you don't want your Dad to know you're with a black guy?
You should tell your Dad... I can understand her issue tbh.
You should tell your Dad... I can understand her issue tbh.
Exactly what i was going to say
Original post by stargirl63
I'm mixed. My mum is white and my dad is also mixed. I'm 1/4 black and 3/4 white.
Does his mom know this? (as most quarter race people just look white in my experience)
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Original post by Knighted
First of all, everyone seems to be hating on the mother. This is a proud Jamaican Woman who is just looking out for her son.
You have every right to not reveal this to your dad yet but she has every right to question it. You don't have to do what she says but she has a right to answers even if she doesn't like them. Its her son, she's looking out for him as would any respectable mother.
My mother is very open with me about girls, if she doesn't like them she tells me but says she respects my choice. She's only hated one thankfully, the rest shes had a ball of time.
Another thing to think about would be:
1) Yes your boyfriend wants you to feel comfortable...that doesn't mean his feelings haven't been hurt by it.
2) When you reveal to your dad that you've had a boyfriend for the past 3+ months and you have essentially been lying to him...how is he going to feel? Personally I'd be a bit suspicious about him if I found out you'd been hiding it for so much time.
Overall I think you're overthinking the whole thing. I personally just bring my girl round when she asks/i invite her. No reason to hide her. I'm my own man, if my parents don't like her...meh, they can suck one and deal with it.
p.s. I highly doubt your parents marriage is perfect so what right does your dad have to DEMAND that you have one?
You have every right to not reveal this to your dad yet but she has every right to question it. You don't have to do what she says but she has a right to answers even if she doesn't like them. Its her son, she's looking out for him as would any respectable mother.
My mother is very open with me about girls, if she doesn't like them she tells me but says she respects my choice. She's only hated one thankfully, the rest shes had a ball of time.
Another thing to think about would be:
1) Yes your boyfriend wants you to feel comfortable...that doesn't mean his feelings haven't been hurt by it.
2) When you reveal to your dad that you've had a boyfriend for the past 3+ months and you have essentially been lying to him...how is he going to feel? Personally I'd be a bit suspicious about him if I found out you'd been hiding it for so much time.
Overall I think you're overthinking the whole thing. I personally just bring my girl round when she asks/i invite her. No reason to hide her. I'm my own man, if my parents don't like her...meh, they can suck one and deal with it.
p.s. I highly doubt your parents marriage is perfect so what right does your dad have to DEMAND that you have one?
I understand why people say that if in her shoes, she would wonder x,y,z but this is my relationship, I would like to have control over who I am ready to know and not know. I have only been with him 3 months, it's not a very long time, and also I think in your house it's a little different cause you're a guy. If I introduced my parents to everyone I dated, they would seriously begin to question what's going on. They would also not take the relationship seriously, thinking oh well, they will only break up in a couple of months anyway, as relationships do when you're younger.
If my dad was to ask how long, I would tell him it's been 5 months or so, but didn't want them to meet until I was completely sure.
Original post by BWV1007
Even if your intention was not to hide your bf, your action is still that: hiding your bf from your father.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
If I'm not ready to tell him, what's the other option though?
Original post by mannyq95
Exactly what i was going to say
Does his mom know this? (as most quarter race people just look white in my experience)
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Does his mom know this? (as most quarter race people just look white in my experience)
Posted from TSR Mobile
yeah, I have a lighter skin colour. She has asked me before where I am from and I have told her, but she may have disregarded it completely.
Original post by stargirl63
yeah, I have a lighter skin colour. She has asked me before where I am from and I have told her, but she may have disregarded it completely.
Hmm that rules that one out as i know my mom can get a bit protective when dating other races in regards to the partners parents
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You don't have to introduce him, but you could at least briefly mention to your dad that you're seeing someone. It's not like your dad's going to think badly of you for dating, and you can introduce him to your boyfriend when you're more sure he's 'right for you' (although I don't understand this, he's gotta be reasonably right for you or you wouldn't have become boyfriend and girlfriend). Besides, your mum's already met him but your dad doesn't even know he exists? If I was your dad and found that out I'd be pretty hurt and think that maybe you didn't trust me or were embarrassed or something. And if I was your boyfriend I'd feel the same about why you weren't telling your dad. Maybe your boyfriend mentioned he felt like that to his mum and she was just trying to protect him.
Original post by syrettd
You don't have to introduce him, but you could at least briefly mention to your dad that you're seeing someone. It's not like your dad's going to think badly of you for dating, and you can introduce him to your boyfriend when you're more sure he's 'right for you' (although I don't understand this, he's gotta be reasonably right for you or you wouldn't have become boyfriend and girlfriend). Besides, your mum's already met him but your dad doesn't even know he exists? If I was your dad and found that out I'd be pretty hurt and think that maybe you didn't trust me or were embarrassed or something. And if I was your boyfriend I'd feel the same about why you weren't telling your dad. Maybe your boyfriend mentioned he felt like that to his mum and she was just trying to protect him.
Yeah, I see where you're coming from. My dad and I don't really speak about guys, it's always a bit of an awkward subject for us.
I just don't like the tone and aggression that she spoke to me, tbh, considering she isn't in the relationship.
My parents didn't know about my relationship until it was serious. Like you, I don't just introduce anybody to my parents. They have high standards and I trust their standards - therefore, if the guy I'm dating isn't up to their standards, there's no point having the family get to know him because he won't be around long.
Your situation sounds like it is entirely the mother being overbearing and babying her son. If your boyfriend genuinely wants to meet your parents, he should be telling you, not his mother, and then together you can decide when the time is right. If you don't stand up to the mother and put her in her place (politely, but firmly stating that this is your relationship and your boyfriend's relationship, not hers), you could face a lifetime of her trying to push you around and run yours and her son's lives. This could ultimately end your relationship if you feel that there is a third party involved, especially one that treats you like you don't matter. She has no right to speak to you like that. You are not her daughter. Furthermore, when you tell your father about the relationship, there is no need to lie about how long you've been together - you can say that you've been together for x amount of time and didn't want to introduce him to your boyfriend if it wasn't going to last.
Your situation sounds like it is entirely the mother being overbearing and babying her son. If your boyfriend genuinely wants to meet your parents, he should be telling you, not his mother, and then together you can decide when the time is right. If you don't stand up to the mother and put her in her place (politely, but firmly stating that this is your relationship and your boyfriend's relationship, not hers), you could face a lifetime of her trying to push you around and run yours and her son's lives. This could ultimately end your relationship if you feel that there is a third party involved, especially one that treats you like you don't matter. She has no right to speak to you like that. You are not her daughter. Furthermore, when you tell your father about the relationship, there is no need to lie about how long you've been together - you can say that you've been together for x amount of time and didn't want to introduce him to your boyfriend if it wasn't going to last.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by canadamoose
My parents didn't know about my relationship until it was serious. Like you, I don't just introduce anybody to my parents. They have high standards and I trust their standards - therefore, if the guy I'm dating isn't up to their standards, there's no point having the family get to know him because he won't be around long.
Your situation sounds like it is entirely the mother being overbearing and babying her son. If your boyfriend genuinely wants to meet your parents, he should be telling you, not his mother, and then together you can decide when the time is right. If you don't stand up to the mother and put her in her place (politely, but firmly stating that this is your relationship and your boyfriend's relationship, not hers), you could face a lifetime of her trying to push you around and run yours and her son's lives. This could ultimately end your relationship if you feel that there is a third party involved, especially one that treats you like you don't matter. She has no right to speak to you like that. You are not her daughter. Furthermore, when you tell your father about the relationship, there is no need to lie about how long you've been together - you can say that you've been together for x amount of time and didn't want to introduce him to your boyfriend if it wasn't going to last.
Your situation sounds like it is entirely the mother being overbearing and babying her son. If your boyfriend genuinely wants to meet your parents, he should be telling you, not his mother, and then together you can decide when the time is right. If you don't stand up to the mother and put her in her place (politely, but firmly stating that this is your relationship and your boyfriend's relationship, not hers), you could face a lifetime of her trying to push you around and run yours and her son's lives. This could ultimately end your relationship if you feel that there is a third party involved, especially one that treats you like you don't matter. She has no right to speak to you like that. You are not her daughter. Furthermore, when you tell your father about the relationship, there is no need to lie about how long you've been together - you can say that you've been together for x amount of time and didn't want to introduce him to your boyfriend if it wasn't going to last.
With respect, I completely disagree with this advice. At this early stage in the relationship you are still working out your relations with your boyfriend's family and you don't want to be rude or provocative (even if you feel they were).
I don't think the mother was being mean, I think she is just concerned about her baby boy and she's overstepped the mark. It sounds as though there are some cultural differences that you need to get used to as well.
Based on some bad past experiences, I have a strict rule that if there are difficult conversations to be had with the other person's family, then it is wholly that person's job to hold those conversations with their own family. The outsider should NEVER be the one who gets involved or appears to be rude. What your boyfriend can say to his mother, and what you can say to his mother, are poles apart and will be for a very long time even if you stay together. If anyone needs to have words with your boyfriend's mum then let him be the one to do that - but also let him be the one to make the decision whether that conversation needs to be held. He knows how to handle her better than you do.
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Crumpet1
With respect, I completely disagree with this advice. At this early stage in the relationship you are still working out your relations with your boyfriend's family and you don't want to be rude or provocative (even if you feel they were).
I don't think the mother was being mean, I think she is just concerned about her baby boy and she's overstepped the mark. It sounds as though there are some cultural differences that you need to get used to as well.
Based on some bad past experiences, I have a strict rule that if there are difficult conversations to be had with the other person's family, then it is wholly that person's job to hold those conversations with their own family. The outsider should NEVER be the one who gets involved or appears to be rude. What your boyfriend can say to his mother, and what you can say to his mother, are poles apart and will be for a very long time even if you stay together.
I don't think the mother was being mean, I think she is just concerned about her baby boy and she's overstepped the mark. It sounds as though there are some cultural differences that you need to get used to as well.
Based on some bad past experiences, I have a strict rule that if there are difficult conversations to be had with the other person's family, then it is wholly that person's job to hold those conversations with their own family. The outsider should NEVER be the one who gets involved or appears to be rude. What your boyfriend can say to his mother, and what you can say to his mother, are poles apart and will be for a very long time even if you stay together.
There is a difference between politely stating that the mother has overstepped her boundaries and being flat out rude. The OP could nicely say "Of course your son is good enough to meet my parents, but my dad handles situations differently and I'd really like to wait until our relationship is a little bit more serious before I introduce them to each other". In no way is that rude, so I don't see how it would end badly unless the mother flies off the handle and doesn't accept the situation and stay out of her son's relationship.
I am a huge supporter of fighting your own battles, even when it comes to difficult situations with your significant other's parents. If my parents said something to my boyfriend that offended him and made him feel badly about how he handled something in our relationship, I would want him to stand up for himself and be his own person. It sucks that you've had bad situations previously, but I don't agree that leaving it to your partner's family is the best way to go - that way, the partner's family is still involved in the relationship without considering you, who is actually one of the two members of the relationship.
Original post by canadamoose
There is a difference between politely stating that the mother has overstepped her boundaries and being flat out rude. The OP could nicely say "Of course your son is good enough to meet my parents, but my dad handles situations differently and I'd really like to wait until our relationship is a little bit more serious before I introduce them to each other". In no way is that rude, so I don't see how it would end badly unless the mother flies off the handle and doesn't accept the situation and stay out of her son's relationship.
I am a huge supporter of fighting your own battles, even when it comes to difficult situations with your significant other's parents. If my parents said something to my boyfriend that offended him and made him feel badly about how he handled something in our relationship, I would want him to stand up for himself and be his own person. It sucks that you've had bad situations previously, but I don't agree that leaving it to your partner's family is the best way to go - that way, the partner's family is still involved in the relationship without considering you, who is actually one of the two members of the relationship.
I am a huge supporter of fighting your own battles, even when it comes to difficult situations with your significant other's parents. If my parents said something to my boyfriend that offended him and made him feel badly about how he handled something in our relationship, I would want him to stand up for himself and be his own person. It sucks that you've had bad situations previously, but I don't agree that leaving it to your partner's family is the best way to go - that way, the partner's family is still involved in the relationship without considering you, who is actually one of the two members of the relationship.
Original post by Crumpet1
With respect, I completely disagree with this advice. At this early stage in the relationship you are still working out your relations with your boyfriend's family and you don't want to be rude or provocative (even if you feel they were).
I don't think the mother was being mean, I think she is just concerned about her baby boy and she's overstepped the mark. It sounds as though there are some cultural differences that you need to get used to as well.
Based on some bad past experiences, I have a strict rule that if there are difficult conversations to be had with the other person's family, then it is wholly that person's job to hold those conversations with their own family. The outsider should NEVER be the one who gets involved or appears to be rude. What your boyfriend can say to his mother, and what you can say to his mother, are poles apart and will be for a very long time even if you stay together. If anyone needs to have words with your boyfriend's mum then let him be the one to do that - but also let him be the one to make the decision whether that conversation needs to be held. He knows how to handle her better than you do.
I don't think the mother was being mean, I think she is just concerned about her baby boy and she's overstepped the mark. It sounds as though there are some cultural differences that you need to get used to as well.
Based on some bad past experiences, I have a strict rule that if there are difficult conversations to be had with the other person's family, then it is wholly that person's job to hold those conversations with their own family. The outsider should NEVER be the one who gets involved or appears to be rude. What your boyfriend can say to his mother, and what you can say to his mother, are poles apart and will be for a very long time even if you stay together. If anyone needs to have words with your boyfriend's mum then let him be the one to do that - but also let him be the one to make the decision whether that conversation needs to be held. He knows how to handle her better than you do.
You both have valid points. I want to be able to stand up for myself, even though she does intimidate me. However, we really haven't been together that long for me to completely stand up for myself as much as I would like to.
Ignoring the rights and wrongs of the situation (which other people have already commented on very sensibly), I'd simply say grit your teeth and ignore her. Sometimes parents just don't like the fact that their children date and relish throwing their weight around. Be polite and civil but since you're in your 20s you should be able to avoid her, or at least only see her when you're with your boyfriend. If she gets aggressive again then he needs to defend you and stand up to her. If he doesn't do that, then he's not worth the bother in the first place.
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