Was I wrong to cut my friend out of my life because of her abusive boyfriend?
She's been with him since she was 18 and seemingly knows no better. They were together throughout uni (long distance) and he became verbally abusive. Phoning her to check who she was with, emotionally manipulating her, not letting her have a social life etc etc. Me and my friends tried hundreds of times to help her leave him, but she kept going back. We'd have to comfort her every time he 'broke up' with her because she wore the wrong clothes, went on a night out or he believed she was cheating on him (she never was, even though he slept with numerous other girls during their relationship). We've since graduated, she has moved in with him and even works at the same job as him. He's got his wish, now she really can't leave. I can't sit around and watch her throw her life away like this, I can't be friends with someone who has made such stupid decisions time and time again. I also can't bear to even be in the same room as this boy, even hear about him. He makes me sick. He has destroyed the best years of her life, I don't want to see him destroy the rest.
Original post by Huda_medo
But how is you cutting her off going to make things any better for her and her 'abusive partner'?
It's not. She made her bed. She's chosen this life. I'm not cutting her out to help her I've just had enough.
Yes you are right. People get into abusive relationships and don't want to get out of them. There is no point in staying involved with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
She will only end her relationship when she wants to, people telling her she is in a bad relationship and she should end it seldom works.
She will only end her relationship when she wants to, people telling her she is in a bad relationship and she should end it seldom works.
Original post by Maker
Yes you are right. People get into abusive relationships and don't want to get out of them. There is no point in staying involved with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable.
She will only end her relationship when she wants to, people telling her she is in a bad relationship and she should end it seldom works.
She will only end her relationship when she wants to, people telling her she is in a bad relationship and she should end it seldom works.
I just hope she doesn't alienate herself further and end up finding it impossible to leave. I can't get my head round it.
I understand how you feel, I really do, but when in an abusive relationship it's not as clear as that. She may feel she deserves being treated that way, or she won't be able to get better or even have another chance with someone else if she leaves him. Being in an emotionally abusive destroys your self-confidence and your sense of self-worth. It's crippling in that way. They make you feel tha the way they are treating you is entirely your fault, that you deserved it.
(edited 9 years ago)
As someone who lost friends while in an abusive relationship, I don't think you're wrong at all. There reaches a point where you can't do any more for that person and you're just making yourself miserable by trying to help someone who refuses to be helped. I regret losing the friends I did, but actually it was one of the things that helped me understand I couldn't stay in that relationship. So... Who knows. Maybe it'll give her the push she needs to leave.
Original post by TolerantBeing
I understand how you feel, I really do, but when in an abusive relationship it's not as clear as that. She may feel she deserves being treated that way, or she won't be able to get better or even have another chance with someone else if she leaves him. Being in an emotionally abusive destroys your self-confidence and your sense of self-worth. It's crippling in that way. They make you feel tha the way they are treating you is entirely your fault, that you deserved it.
Thing is she gets attention from guys all the time, she wouldn't have any trouble finding anyone else. She's incredibly good looking, intelligent, funny etc. Anyone who knows about her boyfriend will tell her it's not right, that she shouldn't put up with it.. She is just so deluded.
What makes me angry is theyre always posting soppy couple pics on Facebook and Instagram. From the outside they have a perfect relationship. People always comment like "Aw you're so lucky to have him" etc etc... Little do they know he's just spent the last hour calling her a "disgusting slut" because she spoke to a man at the checkout in tesco. It's all so fake.
In your position, I would tell her how much you care about her as a friend, how you feel about seeing her in this abusive relationship and that you don't want to carry on seeing her suffer. BUT also tell her that if she ever realises that this guy is a jerk and she needs to get out of the situation, then you will always be there to help her and you will never turn her away.
One of the things that abusers do is cut off their partner from their friends so that they have nobody to turn to and no-one to help them get out of the relationship. If you make it clear that you're going to be there no matter what, then when she finally sees the light, she won't feel completely isolated.
One of the things that abusers do is cut off their partner from their friends so that they have nobody to turn to and no-one to help them get out of the relationship. If you make it clear that you're going to be there no matter what, then when she finally sees the light, she won't feel completely isolated.
After so many years of putting up with sh*t like that I think I'd do the same. I lose respect for people who make the same silly mistake over and over again. It's not your responsibility to pick up the pieces every time she doesn't listen to you. You did the right thing, it's obvious she chose her abusive boyfriend over you because she threw away all your efforts and support and still stuck by him. There really are some stupid people on this earth.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Definitely agree with Plum.. make sure she knows you'll be there for her if she needs help getting out or when she needs you. But tell her that you can't help her until she wants to be helped.
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