My girlfriends depression
It's getting harder and harder each day now and I don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend to pieces, it's coming up to two years and the first 18 months were incredible, she has depression and suffers with anxiety attacks frequently, I won't lie and say she's a gem she cheated on me at about 19 months the week of my birthday and kissed another lad. As any other boyfriend would be I was crushed and incredibly angry but I stayed with her. I struggled for a while, and it took Some time to try get my head round why she did it but being the person I am I forgave her and carried on as usual. Her having depression means she has a negative outlook on pretty much everything, I used to be a very positive person but I feel it's even ribbon off on me now. She has a really poor relationship with friends and family and is always arguing with them. She always tells me about what they've supposedly done and I have to listen to it and agree with her even though 90% of the time I don't agree with her. The past week it's just got worse and worse and she's been telling me she wants to kill herself and she doesn't want to be alive anymore. When I hear this it crushes me and I need to go see her so I'll leave my friends early and go see her and it's so frequent now I feel I'm losing my friendships with some of my closest and longest lasting friends.
Before me she had a bad relationship with a boyfriend who cheated several times and I know that still hurts her. I had another 2 year relationship with a girl who again had depression and eventually gained anorexia. I feel like it's me, what am I doing to these girls that's making them do this. I'm not being modest but I see myself as a very laid back guy who would do anything to make people happy. My current girlfriend needs help but refuses getting it. I sit with her for hours as she cries and it brings me to tears sometimes. More recently I've got more protective because of what happened and I feel I have a right to be.
honestly I love this girl to bits, she's my everything and if she didn't mean this much to me I would've left months ago but she means to much to me. I'm desperate for help and I'm desperate for her to be happy again. I don't want people to reply just saying leave her because I can't just do that, but I need help
Before me she had a bad relationship with a boyfriend who cheated several times and I know that still hurts her. I had another 2 year relationship with a girl who again had depression and eventually gained anorexia. I feel like it's me, what am I doing to these girls that's making them do this. I'm not being modest but I see myself as a very laid back guy who would do anything to make people happy. My current girlfriend needs help but refuses getting it. I sit with her for hours as she cries and it brings me to tears sometimes. More recently I've got more protective because of what happened and I feel I have a right to be.
honestly I love this girl to bits, she's my everything and if she didn't mean this much to me I would've left months ago but she means to much to me. I'm desperate for help and I'm desperate for her to be happy again. I don't want people to reply just saying leave her because I can't just do that, but I need help
I can't offer any guidance but i will say i'm in a very similar situation. Girlfriend is depressed and is very negative all the time, and is argumentative and destructive with her friends and family which like you i feel i have to agree with otherwise she turns heavily on me.
Hug her.
(if you feel you have to tell her not to be your emotional daughter, this will supposedly help: http://whatislovedrcookerly.com/532/is-i-cant-live-without-you-real-love/)
(if you feel you have to tell her not to be your emotional daughter, this will supposedly help: http://whatislovedrcookerly.com/532/is-i-cant-live-without-you-real-love/)
And if I do argue back like you say she turns very heavily, I'm a big guy and she's absolutely tiny but she can make me feel feel like nothing sometimes
If I'm honest....im one of those girls you just described. It's the worst feeling ever.
My bf forced me to get help. He literally made me a doctors apt and forced me to go. I was so angry at him, but it was worth it. I still have a long way to go but I feel more relaxed and happy. The last area I have to work on is being okay in social situations (as they stress me out and then I get drunk and am horrible to my bf)
Make her a doctors apt. And go with her. She'll thank you in the end.
My bf forced me to get help. He literally made me a doctors apt and forced me to go. I was so angry at him, but it was worth it. I still have a long way to go but I feel more relaxed and happy. The last area I have to work on is being okay in social situations (as they stress me out and then I get drunk and am horrible to my bf)
Make her a doctors apt. And go with her. She'll thank you in the end.
It's a difficult situation you're in. My ex had clinical depression. Personally I figured no matter how much I supported her, at the end of the day it wasn't really something that was in my hands. I would get frustrated, feel like she's not listening to anything I'm saying and get fed up at times. But that's never healthy and it's not the poor girl's fault that she's in the state she's in. I would advice you to do as the girl above said - bring her to a specialist. She needs help, and she might hate you for it, but if you really care for the girl, your priority above all else should be getting her better.
How though, I've just proposed this to her, I put my foot down and all she does is refuse, and like you say, it's really frustrating me
Just take her, don't tell her where you're going. Obviously she can refuse to go in, but hopefully it would have made a big enough point that she'll see it through
Hey, I am currently in a similar position with my boyfriend and he's very unstable. We've been together for 3 1/2 years and this is week 8 of me being exposed to his depression, and it scares me.
What you must NOT DO is force her to do things your way, the way things should be done, or in any way feel like she's not in control. At this stage, you are her only friend that she trusts to talk to and that already is a HUGE step. So take a deep breath and realise that right not you are the best thing she has got. Yes she needs help, but this will take time and trust me it's going to be painful and slow but it will eventually get better, so long as you go carefully.
To begin with, don't push her for answers or questions. This may be wrong but on your description this sounds like she's trying to reach out for help in a non-productive way (arguing with parents is a family connection, not necessarily a productive one. And kissing another guy - perhaps was a sudden outbreak of needing people to care?) What you need to do is set yourself a target each week and change it as seems fit.
Depression makes people feel lonely, useless, helpless, they lose interest in their activities they love, lose sexual interest, have feelings of self-harm and every negative thought it 10x worse.
So week 1 - allow her to see that you are her friend here to listen, to help, to be a shoulder to cry on and not someone to tell her what to do. Don't invade personal space, hold her hand and hug her is necessary, but try and let her come to you (this is the hard bit). In the meantime, try and think about what else could be affecting this - sudden changes in lifestyle - are you going off to uni soon? is she moving house? or the complete opposite are things settling into a routine she feels bored with?
Week 2 - Try and understand depression yourself - people who are depressed literally see things different to everyone else - a part of the brain (hippocampus) shrinks which basically means every thought, image, sound, makes a far more negative effect on the mind. You could tell her that she was beautiful, she had a lovely hairstyle today, her dress suits her, she smells nice, her nails are pretty, her eyes shine, you love her smile... but maybe those shoes didn't quite go. The only thing she would think about is those shoes, and how much they make the rest of her feel bad. Mentally, people with depression cannot see the good, and bad things, no matter how small, make a HUGE difference to how they think. So, think positive, talk positive, and things should go smoothly.
Week 3 - Get her to enjoy her life. Things that she loves doing, relive them - does she have a hobby? reading? writing? horse-riding? watching movies? exercising? Anything, if not, invent something new you guys can enjoy together - play a new game or watch a new series. Enjoy it together, and remember to smile and laugh, this should begin to make her feel more comfortable. If she cries, let her, but remember that depressed people can say a lot of things they don't mean, and make decisions they later come to regret.
Week 4 - Telling her parents about your concerns is a risky thing to do, my boyfriend wasn't angry with me for it, but everyone is different. Depending on your relationship, (though if she argues with her parents perhaps telling them would make it seem like you're 'on their side') introducing her to the idea of letting someone else help you help her is a good idea. You need her parents to understand they cannot force her to get help, or do anything. Slowly, you've got to work this out together and time is a BIG part of it. They need to be on the same level as you.
Week 5 - Keep going. Remember that you can't help her if you don't help yourself first. Always put you first. With me, I knew that in walking away and leaving my boyfriend to cope on his own would have hurt me more than sticking around to help him. It's not in my personality to walk away and it would have killed me to do so. If this is the same for you, be strong, and find yourself someone to let steam off (someone not involved so if your girlfriend finds out there's no harm in her being "found out"). You can be a rock for your girl, but you need a rock yourself.
Week 6 - Continue to do enjoyable things with her. Getting her to rediscover the good things in her life is a huge step forwards. Don't think about the future, or past, just think present and take it day by day. Compliment her each day, compliment yourself, perhaps get her to do the same. Smile always, laugh often. And when she cries don't stop her, just let her talk it out, hug her, and when she's done tell her you are there for her and always will be. Don't comment on things she says just let her talk it out. Then smile and do something fun together. Eventually, a lot of this will help her to feel better about herself, and you can talk about it every now and again, but never push for answers. If she begins to close in on herself (crosses arms, crosses legs, curls up into ball, etc) stop and talk about something else.
Change all that as you need but remember to keep negative thoughts to yourself, be there for her, and let her know that you are there to help whenever she needs you. Even if just to talk to. Sometimes she might come off as cold or like she's ignoring you, don't worry it's fine. If you complain to her though she might feel like a disappointment to you. Let her know how you feel, but remember to talk about things positively. If you ever need space, that's ok too - take a breather and spend a day looking after yourself doing whatever makes you feel comfortable. There's two ways it can work out - she can either learn to see the good in life and use "distractions" to put a lid on it (the short easy route out where it will more than likely come back later on and continue to recur) or, you can help her to help herself receive help no matter what it is to eliminate the depression (long term) and allow her to live a long happy life. Perhaps letting her know that counsilling isn't for "sick" and "abnormal" people, but it's a one-on-one conversation where they don't tell you what's "wrong with you" and how you can get "help", but get you to think about thinks in a different way, to allow yourself to order them and feel more confident in your own skin.
I hope this helps
If you have any other questions feel free to ask!
What you must NOT DO is force her to do things your way, the way things should be done, or in any way feel like she's not in control. At this stage, you are her only friend that she trusts to talk to and that already is a HUGE step. So take a deep breath and realise that right not you are the best thing she has got. Yes she needs help, but this will take time and trust me it's going to be painful and slow but it will eventually get better, so long as you go carefully.
To begin with, don't push her for answers or questions. This may be wrong but on your description this sounds like she's trying to reach out for help in a non-productive way (arguing with parents is a family connection, not necessarily a productive one. And kissing another guy - perhaps was a sudden outbreak of needing people to care?) What you need to do is set yourself a target each week and change it as seems fit.
Depression makes people feel lonely, useless, helpless, they lose interest in their activities they love, lose sexual interest, have feelings of self-harm and every negative thought it 10x worse.
So week 1 - allow her to see that you are her friend here to listen, to help, to be a shoulder to cry on and not someone to tell her what to do. Don't invade personal space, hold her hand and hug her is necessary, but try and let her come to you (this is the hard bit). In the meantime, try and think about what else could be affecting this - sudden changes in lifestyle - are you going off to uni soon? is she moving house? or the complete opposite are things settling into a routine she feels bored with?
Week 2 - Try and understand depression yourself - people who are depressed literally see things different to everyone else - a part of the brain (hippocampus) shrinks which basically means every thought, image, sound, makes a far more negative effect on the mind. You could tell her that she was beautiful, she had a lovely hairstyle today, her dress suits her, she smells nice, her nails are pretty, her eyes shine, you love her smile... but maybe those shoes didn't quite go. The only thing she would think about is those shoes, and how much they make the rest of her feel bad. Mentally, people with depression cannot see the good, and bad things, no matter how small, make a HUGE difference to how they think. So, think positive, talk positive, and things should go smoothly.
Week 3 - Get her to enjoy her life. Things that she loves doing, relive them - does she have a hobby? reading? writing? horse-riding? watching movies? exercising? Anything, if not, invent something new you guys can enjoy together - play a new game or watch a new series. Enjoy it together, and remember to smile and laugh, this should begin to make her feel more comfortable. If she cries, let her, but remember that depressed people can say a lot of things they don't mean, and make decisions they later come to regret.
Week 4 - Telling her parents about your concerns is a risky thing to do, my boyfriend wasn't angry with me for it, but everyone is different. Depending on your relationship, (though if she argues with her parents perhaps telling them would make it seem like you're 'on their side') introducing her to the idea of letting someone else help you help her is a good idea. You need her parents to understand they cannot force her to get help, or do anything. Slowly, you've got to work this out together and time is a BIG part of it. They need to be on the same level as you.
Week 5 - Keep going. Remember that you can't help her if you don't help yourself first. Always put you first. With me, I knew that in walking away and leaving my boyfriend to cope on his own would have hurt me more than sticking around to help him. It's not in my personality to walk away and it would have killed me to do so. If this is the same for you, be strong, and find yourself someone to let steam off (someone not involved so if your girlfriend finds out there's no harm in her being "found out"). You can be a rock for your girl, but you need a rock yourself.
Week 6 - Continue to do enjoyable things with her. Getting her to rediscover the good things in her life is a huge step forwards. Don't think about the future, or past, just think present and take it day by day. Compliment her each day, compliment yourself, perhaps get her to do the same. Smile always, laugh often. And when she cries don't stop her, just let her talk it out, hug her, and when she's done tell her you are there for her and always will be. Don't comment on things she says just let her talk it out. Then smile and do something fun together. Eventually, a lot of this will help her to feel better about herself, and you can talk about it every now and again, but never push for answers. If she begins to close in on herself (crosses arms, crosses legs, curls up into ball, etc) stop and talk about something else.
Change all that as you need but remember to keep negative thoughts to yourself, be there for her, and let her know that you are there to help whenever she needs you. Even if just to talk to. Sometimes she might come off as cold or like she's ignoring you, don't worry it's fine. If you complain to her though she might feel like a disappointment to you. Let her know how you feel, but remember to talk about things positively. If you ever need space, that's ok too - take a breather and spend a day looking after yourself doing whatever makes you feel comfortable. There's two ways it can work out - she can either learn to see the good in life and use "distractions" to put a lid on it (the short easy route out where it will more than likely come back later on and continue to recur) or, you can help her to help herself receive help no matter what it is to eliminate the depression (long term) and allow her to live a long happy life. Perhaps letting her know that counsilling isn't for "sick" and "abnormal" people, but it's a one-on-one conversation where they don't tell you what's "wrong with you" and how you can get "help", but get you to think about thinks in a different way, to allow yourself to order them and feel more confident in your own skin.
I hope this helps
If you have any other questions feel free to ask!Quick Reply
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