2nd Sept: Have you ever lost someone you loved?
This week on Radio 1’s Surgery, Gemma and Dr Radha are talking about grief.
Have you lost a loved one, or are supporting someone who has? We’re going to be talking about feelings of grief and how we can help ourselves and others to deal with it. Maybe you found comfort in some way, and can share that to help others?
Note: you can post anonymously in this forum
Have you lost a loved one, or are supporting someone who has? We’re going to be talking about feelings of grief and how we can help ourselves and others to deal with it. Maybe you found comfort in some way, and can share that to help others?
Note: you can post anonymously in this forum
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Yes, i've lost someone very close to me...i don't think anyone understands what it really feels like unless they've experienced the same thing. It's like your whole world closes in on you and you can't breathe when you think of it. But that's life. Everyone dies eventually.
Thankfully, I haven't lost anyone really close to me yet, so I have no idea how people deal with it.
I was thinking about this at the weekend because my boyfriend's family lives near Shoreham (where the plane crash happened on Saturday) and they drive along that road all the time and as soon as I saw the news, my first thought was "Dear God, please let none of his family be hurt" - partly because I really care about them and would hate for them to be injured, but also because I have no idea how I would support my boyfriend through that kind of grief.
I hope it's a long time before I have to learn how to cope with losing a loved one.
I was thinking about this at the weekend because my boyfriend's family lives near Shoreham (where the plane crash happened on Saturday) and they drive along that road all the time and as soon as I saw the news, my first thought was "Dear God, please let none of his family be hurt" - partly because I really care about them and would hate for them to be injured, but also because I have no idea how I would support my boyfriend through that kind of grief.
I hope it's a long time before I have to learn how to cope with losing a loved one.
Too many people. 
My latest was a few months ago when someone very close to me died. I was awoken early in the morning to be told the news and my initial reaction was just complete shock followed quickly by something like "but no, it just can't be true" and loads of confused feelings that I just can't describe. I just felt so empty for a long time and then as time passed, that emptiness was just slowly replaced with an immense sadness.
In terms of what helped me, having friends who were there for me was just such a nice relief. Even simple comments like "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that" were just so helpful. I can't really describe why, I guess it just made it feel as though there was someone else who actually cared about my loss and was willing to be there for me at a time when I very much needed it. I don't think that there's a right thing to say that will magically cure how anyone's feeling, unfortunately, but just listening was enough to help me get some of it out. Different people will react differently but I also found it quite nice when people were interested to know about the life of the person who I'd lost. It allowed me to recall some good memories and this was surprisingly helpful in a bittersweet type of way.
Then there were so many other weird strategies that I tried out but that were unhelpful. When I did suffer the loss, I felt very regretful at some stuff that I'd not said, some stuff that I wish I hadn't said and that I wanted to apologise for, some questions that I'd never had the chance to ask etc. So one day I was just reading up on Lucid Dreaming for some reason and suddenly I decided that I'd try to teach myself to lucid dream just to bring those people 'back' temporarily so that I could 'speak' with them (yup, I'm being serious). This was very unhelpful though in that it didn't really give me a chance to grieve over the loss and just ended up making me more frustrated than ever. I think that it would have been much better for me to seek professional help or something as I clearly wasn't coping or adjusting without them.
As I said, I don't think that there's a magical thing that can be said or done that cures us of all these feelings. Some things can help drown the pain a little but all I could really do was just wait and take some time for myself. I don't think that it's really ever possible to get over someone/forget about someone that you've lost in that way, but you do slowly learn how to live without them.
My latest was a few months ago when someone very close to me died. I was awoken early in the morning to be told the news and my initial reaction was just complete shock followed quickly by something like "but no, it just can't be true" and loads of confused feelings that I just can't describe. I just felt so empty for a long time and then as time passed, that emptiness was just slowly replaced with an immense sadness.
In terms of what helped me, having friends who were there for me was just such a nice relief. Even simple comments like "Oh I'm so sorry to hear that
" were just so helpful. I can't really describe why, I guess it just made it feel as though there was someone else who actually cared about my loss and was willing to be there for me at a time when I very much needed it. I don't think that there's a right thing to say that will magically cure how anyone's feeling, unfortunately, but just listening was enough to help me get some of it out. Different people will react differently but I also found it quite nice when people were interested to know about the life of the person who I'd lost. It allowed me to recall some good memories and this was surprisingly helpful in a bittersweet type of way.Then there were so many other weird strategies that I tried out but that were unhelpful. When I did suffer the loss, I felt very regretful at some stuff that I'd not said, some stuff that I wish I hadn't said and that I wanted to apologise for, some questions that I'd never had the chance to ask etc. So one day I was just reading up on Lucid Dreaming for some reason and suddenly I decided that I'd try to teach myself to lucid dream just to bring those people 'back' temporarily so that I could 'speak' with them (yup, I'm being serious). This was very unhelpful though in that it didn't really give me a chance to grieve over the loss and just ended up making me more frustrated than ever. I think that it would have been much better for me to seek professional help or something as I clearly wasn't coping or adjusting without them.
As I said, I don't think that there's a magical thing that can be said or done that cures us of all these feelings. Some things can help drown the pain a little but all I could really do was just wait and take some time for myself. I don't think that it's really ever possible to get over someone/forget about someone that you've lost in that way, but you do slowly learn how to live without them.
I ve been through a good few loses and each was very different to me. No time I ve lost anybody have I dealt with it in the same way but some tips I do have are :
Talk to people about it and don't bottle up your feelings, speaking to friends and do little things you enjoy with them.
There's nothing wrong with some tears if that's what helps you
Do things to remind you of who you ve lost when you feel ready, look at photos, do things you enjoyed together , listen to their favourite music.
And finally remember every situation is different and it's okay to take your time grieving
Talk to people about it and don't bottle up your feelings, speaking to friends and do little things you enjoy with them.
There's nothing wrong with some tears if that's what helps you
Do things to remind you of who you ve lost when you feel ready, look at photos, do things you enjoyed together , listen to their favourite music.
And finally remember every situation is different and it's okay to take your time grieving
Yes. I found out one evening after getting in from school. It completely destroyed me. I cried for 4 days straight. She was my best friend and was always there for me. She went a month ago and I'm still not over it. I just have to remind myself that she's not there, that I will never see her or talk to her or be near her again. I still have old photos of us but I can't look at them, not now. I just want to see her face or talk to her one more time.
I would give anything, absolutely anything, to just be with you for one more chat about the stupid stuff or the deep stuff. Anything good or bad that happens I just want you to be there for it. You always cared, you always supported me and you never judged me. You were always my person, Lily, and you always will be.
I would give anything, absolutely anything, to just be with you for one more chat about the stupid stuff or the deep stuff. Anything good or bad that happens I just want you to be there for it. You always cared, you always supported me and you never judged me. You were always my person, Lily, and you always will be.
I lost somebody close to me recently. They actually died while I was with them which oddly brought me some relief as I wasn't told the news which despite me knowing they were terminally ill, it would have been a shock.
Talking about your grief helps. It's important to know it is ok to be upset, don't hide your grief, your tears, your heartbreak. It's painful and don't rush to feel better. You'll always be grieving in some way or another but it does get better.
Talking about your grief helps. It's important to know it is ok to be upset, don't hide your grief, your tears, your heartbreak. It's painful and don't rush to feel better. You'll always be grieving in some way or another but it does get better.
I lost both my parents in the space of 6 years at age 14. I'm 18 now. What helped me get over it was realising that life still has to go on without my parents and i need to be responsible for myself.
Original post by BBC Radio 1
This week on Radio 1’s Surgery, Gemma and Dr Radha are talking about grief.
Have you lost a loved one, or are supporting someone who has? We’re going to be talking about feelings of grief and how we can help ourselves and others to deal with it. Maybe you found comfort in some way, and can share that to help others?
Note: you can post anonymously in this forum
Have you lost a loved one, or are supporting someone who has? We’re going to be talking about feelings of grief and how we can help ourselves and others to deal with it. Maybe you found comfort in some way, and can share that to help others?
Note: you can post anonymously in this forum
I lost my Mum at 15 she had been suffering from cancer for 10 years (through no fault of her lifestyle and the doctors have never found the cause)
I know my grief will never end (I'm 19 now) as I will never forget her and there is a darker reason why (many other young carers feel a similar way)
I have always felt anger at how the GP failed to diagnose her twice and it took her to go to another hospital when she fell ill.
To this day I have a deep mistrust in doctors and nurses ecspically the underqualifed careres who are awful and come round to homes and don't even know how to cook a microwable meal for their paitents (my mum once had 1/2 frozen meal) and they came in smelling of smoke!
Me, my brothers and my Dad have received no help aside from one offer by the hospice where my mum died (didn't use it as it was to painful to go there at the time) and the pastor at my school talked to us about it (he was helpful)
Only remembering her and believing that she is with me has helped me through grief not all these stages of grief rubbish or time it will hurt less as it passes. Yeah sure when you lose someone you get the initial cry out the way but after her funeral I have never had a emotional upsetting break down.
I would describe myself now as only looking out for yourself as you lose friends over time and the inevitable fact is most of us die alone so we must prepare ourselves from a young age to mentally and physically face the world alone.
I wish people would be more open on grief and carers many young people I've spoken to on these issues don't have a clue! I've seen more 5 year old carers who have more brains and understanding of the world than most 20 year olds.
Many kids bitch on about their issues oh woe is me and when they come to me to whine I just simply say "Do you want my life!" and then they shut their mouths.
I don't have issues like body image(never have) etc. because at the end of the day are those people going to be their at your deathbed and in your life I think not.
When you get a disease which many of us will do, guess what did I care that she looked ill no I didn't to me she was still the best woman in the world and guess what when you got that kind of connection other peoples opinions don't matter cause you have seen it all.
Grief especially the loss of the parent pushes you into adulthood and independence and the true simplicity of life is to just get on with it case you never know when your going to go leaving a legacy is also up their as many children with dead parents feel they need to live up their lives and get to the top in their name.
I lost my friend a few years ago now. The way she died was horrible and we all really struggled to come to terms with it, I mostly 'dealt' with it by pretending it never happened and supporting others but in the long run that probably just made things worse. I think try and find someone you can talk to about them, whether that be a friend or professional, and be aware it can take a lot of time as it is a very slow process. If you're supporting others make sure you give yourself time to grieve too. Also, hard at it is, maybe try not to dwell on it too much although it's obviously not good to try taking this to the extreme that I did.
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(edited 8 years ago)
Try to not think about it. Talking to people is all well and good, and it's what you are told to do, but they can't do anything to help. They can't bring back the person you lost, they can't fix the injustice, all they can do is listen, which does nothing. You should talk a little about it, but sometimes continuing to talk about it is just to dwell even longer in this new dark and horrible version of what was previously your life. I have cried and cried and wept and sobbed and raged until I can't do anything more than curl up into a ball and wish I was dead. Every time I think about it or talk about it, I feel reduced back to that state. You just have to crush it and stamp on it when it comes into your mind and try to get on with things because it's never going to go away. It has happened, there will be a hole in your life until the end of your days and whilst eventually you'll be able to remember them without breaking down, you'll always be full of deep deep sorrow and sadness that they should be here with you, and that the world is wrong and broken.
No tears or longing or depth of feeling will ever make any difference. It took me a long time to accept that, and I think you can only start to recover once you have.
No tears or longing or depth of feeling will ever make any difference. It took me a long time to accept that, and I think you can only start to recover once you have.
I have a friend who lost so many people within the space of a few months. She'd have random outbursts and randomly cry during school lessons (she is 17). She says bereavement was hard (obviously). But amazingly she said that it has grown a connection with God which is so much more comforting. You can't get the same comfort from friends as you can from God. She still managed to pass her AS quite well in which her predicted grades are suitable for her university course.
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Original post by BBC Radio 1
This week on Radio 1’s Surgery, Gemma and Dr Radha are talking about grief.
Have you lost a loved one, or are supporting someone who has? We’re going to be talking about feelings of grief and how we can help ourselves and others to deal with it. Maybe you found comfort in some way, and can share that to help others?
Note: you can post anonymously in this forum
Have you lost a loved one, or are supporting someone who has? We’re going to be talking about feelings of grief and how we can help ourselves and others to deal with it. Maybe you found comfort in some way, and can share that to help others?
Note: you can post anonymously in this forum
My Dad was an alcoholic who died of alcohol poisoning when I was 11. Part of what made the grief difficult was being on the cusp of puberty and in the process of moving to secondary school, as well as struggling to understand my Dad's illness which I had been aware of but had never given much consideration to before.
I think what I lacked was a structure to grieve in - the grief would follow me around and I had no outlet. I would have really appreciated a counsellor or therapist, and regular sessions in which I could work through my grief.
Having since dealt with other grief, I think it can be really useful to allow yourself a set space and time to let all your emotions out, and then make a conscious effort to spend the rest of your time doing other things and allowing life to continue. Obviously you might think about the person you have lost at other times throughout the day, but having an outlet makes day-to-day life more manageable.
I have found when someone close to you dies (especially I think when they are young and died suddenly) it is something you'll never forget but the pain eases over time.
The first year is the hardest, getting over all the celebrations like birthdays, Easter, Christmas without them. Once you've been through it once then the next year to is a bit easier but never easy.
Pain and sorrow of loss comes in waves. Sometimes you can be fine and then a thought or something triggers a memory and you have a good cry. Then you are done again until the next time it happens. At first it happens close to each other and then the spaces of grief become spread out a bit but you never know when it gets triggered again so you have to be aware it could happen anywhere at any time.
Remembering them helps though you might cry thinking about them, it does help to heal the wounds of grief. Putting together a memory book with photos and other things that reminds you of them can really help.
A gaping open wound of grief it will take time to heal. It might start to heal and then something happens that opens the wound up a bit again. Over time the wound will heal but the impact of that loss will remain as a scar.
The first year is the hardest, getting over all the celebrations like birthdays, Easter, Christmas without them. Once you've been through it once then the next year to is a bit easier but never easy.
Pain and sorrow of loss comes in waves. Sometimes you can be fine and then a thought or something triggers a memory and you have a good cry. Then you are done again until the next time it happens. At first it happens close to each other and then the spaces of grief become spread out a bit but you never know when it gets triggered again so you have to be aware it could happen anywhere at any time.
Remembering them helps though you might cry thinking about them, it does help to heal the wounds of grief. Putting together a memory book with photos and other things that reminds you of them can really help.
A gaping open wound of grief it will take time to heal. It might start to heal and then something happens that opens the wound up a bit again. Over time the wound will heal but the impact of that loss will remain as a scar.
I struggle looking at photos of my dad, I lost him at 11 and for some reason I don't like wondering what he would think of me now, from things as varied as my exam results to really silly things like my music taste. He used to go on business trips quite often, so for the first (and hardest) few months it was easier for me to try and convince myself that was why he wasn't around. I'm going to try getting a locket with his picture in to wear, as I like to remind myself that he would be so proud of me going to uni.
I lost my (first ever) boyfriend 3 years ago when i was a young teenager (and emotions run 100x stronger than they would when you're a bit older and think a little more rationally about things.)
I've struggled to comprehend it for those years and i'm far from over it but a few weeks ago I read a quote that really struck a nerve & made me feel less guilty for moving on with my life:
The pain doesn't get smaller, you grow bigger.
It really made sense to me.
I don't really think I can advise anyone of how to deal with grief as I probably went about it in the wrong way but what I would say is:
-Don't feel guilty for having your own identity and life... chances are they'd understand
-Maybe keep a memory box of the person so while you can choose to look at it when you want, you can also choose to step away from it for a while if you need that. You can have it as much or as little as you want.
But most importantly i'd say there is no right way to deal with the loss of someone close to you. Everyone copes in different ways and it's vital you remember that.. Don't let people pressure you into acting a certain way.
x
I've struggled to comprehend it for those years and i'm far from over it but a few weeks ago I read a quote that really struck a nerve & made me feel less guilty for moving on with my life:
The pain doesn't get smaller, you grow bigger.
It really made sense to me.
I don't really think I can advise anyone of how to deal with grief as I probably went about it in the wrong way but what I would say is:
-Don't feel guilty for having your own identity and life... chances are they'd understand
-Maybe keep a memory box of the person so while you can choose to look at it when you want, you can also choose to step away from it for a while if you need that. You can have it as much or as little as you want.
But most importantly i'd say there is no right way to deal with the loss of someone close to you. Everyone copes in different ways and it's vital you remember that.. Don't let people pressure you into acting a certain way.
x
I lost my Nan 3 years ago in November and my Dad 2 years ago in November so unfortunately I know a lot about the grieving process and how horrible it all is.
I found giving myself a challenge particularly helpful when grieving. I think for the initial month or two you need to sit and deal with the horribleness of it all, so trying to get accustomed to 'normal' life again, getting yourself out of bed and through the day. However, after a couple of months of losing my Dad I started swimming weekly which really helped because it gave me something to focus on which had nothing to do with grief, death or sadness. I would try and swim further, for longer, and it gave me a sense of achievement. I know it is difficult to even think about doing something normal but even if it just going out for a walk to somewhere you haven't been before, walking for longer, something really small can help and gives your mind something else to focus on.
Unfortunately, no one really understands grief unless they have been there and even then, people say the wrong thing, assume you should 'be feeling better by now' or 'over it'. I heard all the clichés and trust me it HURTS because of a course a grieving person wants to feel normal and have everything go back to how it was but your thoughts and feelings are all over the place so sometimes you don't even KNOW what you want!
Talking is also useful. You need to get those painful thoughts and feelings out there, even writing them down can help if it is too painful to talk.
My advice is to allow the thoughts, feelings and 'stuff' that comes with grief because you need to feel it and allow it to happen in order to work through it. Bottling things up like I did and pretending everything is okay is not going to help long term. Do not get me wrong, sometimes you have to do this in life but do allow yourself that time to just be. Cry, scream, punch a cushion. Let it out in some way shape or form.
I hope this helps somebody out there x
I found giving myself a challenge particularly helpful when grieving. I think for the initial month or two you need to sit and deal with the horribleness of it all, so trying to get accustomed to 'normal' life again, getting yourself out of bed and through the day. However, after a couple of months of losing my Dad I started swimming weekly which really helped because it gave me something to focus on which had nothing to do with grief, death or sadness. I would try and swim further, for longer, and it gave me a sense of achievement. I know it is difficult to even think about doing something normal but even if it just going out for a walk to somewhere you haven't been before, walking for longer, something really small can help and gives your mind something else to focus on.
Unfortunately, no one really understands grief unless they have been there and even then, people say the wrong thing, assume you should 'be feeling better by now' or 'over it'. I heard all the clichés and trust me it HURTS because of a course a grieving person wants to feel normal and have everything go back to how it was but your thoughts and feelings are all over the place so sometimes you don't even KNOW what you want!
Talking is also useful. You need to get those painful thoughts and feelings out there, even writing them down can help if it is too painful to talk.
My advice is to allow the thoughts, feelings and 'stuff' that comes with grief because you need to feel it and allow it to happen in order to work through it. Bottling things up like I did and pretending everything is okay is not going to help long term. Do not get me wrong, sometimes you have to do this in life but do allow yourself that time to just be. Cry, scream, punch a cushion. Let it out in some way shape or form.
I hope this helps somebody out there x
As I wrote in other threads before, there was a person in my family indeed who I loved. Let me tell something about this person. He was renitent like me and stubborn, so am I. Although we are quite similar to each other, we have had many struggles in the past. Our relationship got better when our parents divorced. At this time, we were living separated. He lived at our father and me at our mother. This separation changed our relationship. Before that we were competing with each other and had many arguments because of many disagreements. But both during the marriage of our parents and after the divorce, we have the same 'enemy': our father. we don't like him because of his parenting and his character. Whenever we have problems with our father, we kept us together. And after divorce, our cohesion was stronger than before. When one of us had problems with something - mostly with one of our parent - we were coming together to speak about them. And when everything went well in our relationship, it came to a car accident where this person lost his life. This person was my brother.
Since that horrible time, I am melancholic when I think about him and our common life. What I did since this event to come back to normal? at first I have cut my arms just to choke my emotional pains, in the following time I have talked about this loss with my friends. And up to these days I repress my feelings and emotions. But it didn't change to better, on the contrary!
And so I do my life in this way.
Since that horrible time, I am melancholic when I think about him and our common life. What I did since this event to come back to normal? at first I have cut my arms just to choke my emotional pains, in the following time I have talked about this loss with my friends. And up to these days I repress my feelings and emotions. But it didn't change to better, on the contrary!
And so I do my life in this way.
Original post by furryface12
(...) I think try and find someone you can talk to about them, whether that be a friend or professional, and be aware it can take a lot of time as it is a very slow process. (...)
Have talked with friends and its been a while that I have lost my brother, 8 years by now. But it didn't get better.
(...)Also, hard at it is, maybe try not to dwell on it too much although it's obviously not good to try taking this to the extreme that I did.
Easier said than done, if this person was an important part (in my case even the only one) in my whole life.
Original post by Kallisto
Have talked with friends and its been a while that I have lost my brother, 8 years by now. But it didn't get better.
Easier said than done, if this person was an important part (in my case even the only one) in my whole life.
Easier said than done, if this person was an important part (in my case even the only one) in my whole life.
It's definitely easier said than done, especially when you were so close to them. I think for me I've got better at coping, rather than it actually being easier, I'm not sure though and it varies a lot. Sorry things haven't got any better for you, and to hear what happened to your brother
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