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Can someone mark this Question 5 Paper 1 English Language 2020 (i haven't done much)

Can someone mark this Question 5 Paper 1 English Language 2020 (i haven't done much)

I stood outside,the wind howling around me.The clouds darkened and the first crash of thunder struck brightening the dark,gloomy graveyard below.The trees viciously ripped through the ground,shooting through the crispy ice cold air.Petrified,panicked,pitiful,I trudged towards the looming gates of hell and gazed towards the thick fog concealing what dangers lurked behind.

Reply 1

AmeenahHs

It is quite good, it's evident that you've got a high level of vocabulary. Instead, I would avoid beginning sentences with 'I' and 'The' because it makes it sound less developed.
Instead of saying
I stood outside,the wind howling around me
say instead
Wind howling around me, I stood outside

Hope that helps!

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