english language

could someone please mark this story
it is about something unexpected

As my back was tortured into an oblivion of itchiness due to my woolen jumper and the sun ,the constant whoosh of cars coming past me drowned out my music making me wonder if £400 was a bit excessive for a bike speaker. a mountain loomed up in front of me and there at its peak was the infamous notorious temporary traffic light that broke many a cyclist before me. yet it also gave me a sense of hope that if i made it up alive i would have a break and a necessary one as whether due to the head wind or the extra weight i put on because of sweat my energy was consumed. Yet I was also very late and a red light would not help especially as these traffic lights were always against you.

This beautiful predicament inhabited enough mental space that by the time i looked up i had almost conquered the mountain and the traffic light was almost onto me. As I opened my mouth trying to suck in as much air as possible a wave of pungent smell hit me and transfigured into the worse taste as an old biology lesson came to mind that 90% of your taste comes from your nose. well it was definitely true in this case. it was so bad i almost got evicted from my bike involuntarily. a poor squirrel had been the unfortunate victim and as the aforementioned sun was still present a mini bbq had been started.

Now even with all this interference i was still focused on the task at hand and with tremendous effort willed my legs to spin faster as if teasing me the light started to slowly change from green to orange and then painstakingly slowly to red just as i got there. Bolts of pain were searing my mind as I held onto my metal handlebars and felt my hands slowly melting. With all present information in mind I made the calculated decision to jump the light. after of course looking around making sure there were no police old neighbours who would rat me out or my arents.

taking a deep breath i pushed off again slowly picking up speed as i reached the light itself. then out of nowhere it changed back to green and just like that i was free released from my bondage. Yet for a few seconds I remained in suspended animation not knowing how to react to the lack of clampage. however as if an alarm from god himself the curt sounds of multiple car horns gave me incentive enough to keep cycling on. As I rode away I looked back one more time just to make sure I had a clear picture in my mind. the sun beaten hill the squirrel and the winking light who was flashing its lights at me.

"sir if you can hear me move your hand" was the life changing message that suddenly brought me to. blinking in the glare of the paramedics flashlight, I looked around flummoxed. I saw the black metal frame of my bike on top of a mangled squirrel slowly cooking giving off a pungent smell that transfigured into an even worse flavour.

Reply 1

ribhmaclean

hi, i have a few questions:

- what was the question you're answering, verbatim
- what is the timeframe for this question
- how many marks is it out of

this is my immediate first impression:
- i'm not entirely sure what the element of surprise was. was it the crash at the end? was it the barbecue? the lack of a surprise will cost you marks if that's the main part of the question.
- your sentences are lengthy and hard to read (sorry i sound like a grammarly advert). using more commas would make it so much easier to understand.
- make sure you're always using capital letters at the beginning of your sentences (i know i'm a hypocrite but i'm trying to type quickly 😭). with my exam board, there are 16 marks for technical (grammar and spelling) accuracy, so it really does matter.
- i know i've been negative up to this point, but i do quite like this story. there's a lot of natural imagery at the beginning, contrasted by the urban, technological imagery of the cars and traffic lights. the ending is also quite emotive, with the picture of the dead squirrel and the mangled bike.

Reply 2

emanuelmhk

thanks ye i was also typing quickly obvs in exam will use correct punctuation its aqa so out of 40 and the question was write about something unexpected

Reply 3

ribhmaclean

Original post by emanuelmhk

thanks ye i was also typing quickly obvs in exam will use correct punctuation its aqa so out of 40 and the question was write about something unexpected

yeah i do aqa as well. if you can write this standard of work in the time frame (i leave around 45 minutes to plan and write. this could be longer if you get extra time) you'll be fine.