lost all my friends at 20 and I'm a complete loner now

To cut a long story short Im a 20 year old female going into my third year of university and ive lost the majority of my friendships this year. im now turning 21 in 3 months and realised im going to be celibrating it alone and im feeling depressed and pathetic. At the start of the year i was in a sort of relationship with one of my flatmates which was a massive mistake of mine, it ended quickly but after that he got abusive and became a bully towards me to be honest. He would do things like leave the front door unlocked all the time to wind me up despite me being harassed by builders twice and making me feel incredibly unsafe and paranoid. he would taunt me on group chats and spread lies about me to the rest of the people in our group. We would get into a lot of arguments over this and he actually shoved me twice. I asked my other flatmates for help but they all said they did not want to get involved and that it wasn't their business. I felt quite betrayed by these people because I thought they were my friends. My female flatmate blamed me for what was going on. the thing that really upset me was when he was around they would all act really friendly with him as if nothing was going on even though I was extremely stressed at the time. Anyway, the conflict eventually made it's way into the main friendship group and the rest of the people started just ignoring me when i would hang out with them or when i was around my girl mates they would ignore us all but the minute i left to go to the toilet or get a drink they would talk to the rest of the girls again. the fact that no one wanted to address the situation and just resolve it showed me these people don't actually care about me. The guy was loving it tho i bet, they were all still fine with me even though he was the one bullying me and shoving me around.

Ive not spoken to any of them all summer and have realised i feel depressed and low when im with this people so im not going back to this group at the start of third year which is two weeks away. that means there is a strong possibility that i will be a loner for the rest of university and i will be spending my 21st birthday alone like a pathetic looser. It just hurts when you realise that none of them actually cared- even the ones who said they did. i even had to submit an extenuating circumstances form for my exams because he affected me so badly, bearing in mind this went on for 6 months- to the end of the year. ive basically decided now that i would much rather be on my own than hang out with those people.

I really want to make new friends, i know i have good qualities in me and i would make a great friend. the only thing is that i am slightly autistic/ have aspergers, i don't want to get a diagnosis personally, but i know i have it. this makes it harder for me to approach people as i often come across as quite awkward, Im also more naturally nervous with new people. i know people say to just 'put yourself out there' but it's not that easy plus friendship groups at uni were solidified in first year so its going to be very hard for me to find new friends in third year when everyone else has already made their friends.

how do i cope with being on my own?

Reply 1

NonIndigenous

Did you make a thread about this before on this forum? A lot of this sounds very familiar & similar to another thread I responded to about 6 months ago, except that there was no mention of a relationship with another flatmate.

The answer is simple... you will need to find new friends. Hopefully you have better 'luck' next time, although I would not chalk it up to luck. You choose your friends, thus to some extent, you are responsible for who your friends are. Most people unwittingly drop clues as to their true nature as you get to know them, which you might pass off as 'no one is perfect' and just accept them as they are.

Trouble is, if you're too accepting like in that sense, then you end up surrounding yourself with the types of people you describe. You need to raise your standards. A good baseline would be (again, my opinion):

•

Are they reliable? Example: if they say they will meet you at 2pm, do they actually? Or if they say they will help you with something, do they, or do they instead make excuses when the time comes.

•

Are they forthright? Example: do they simply ask for what they want, or do they instead play games and go behind peoples' backs to get it.

•

What sorts of friends do they choose?

•

etc.

Come up with your own. I could break this down into far too much detail otherwise. For instance I was out with some people today, and saw that one of the guys (A) in the group started flirting with one of the girls, even though he fully knew that another guy (B) was interested in her. And he (A) did that in front of him (B). I know from my own experience, and reading about different types of personalities people have, that there are some 'types' of people who get a superficial boost of self-esteem by 'poaching' would-be (or actual) partners from another person. It's like a game to them, involving 'one-upping' the other person. At the very least, his behavior showed fairly low social acumen (thus perhaps it wasn't deliberate), carelessness, or it was fully deliberate. In any case, it wasn't appropriate in that context. Women do this too. In fact, I think women do this specific thing more than men do.

I make a mental note of people like that, and keep them at an arm's length from me. Look out for these little signs, jot them down in your memory, and avoid those people. Also look out for positive signs, and keep those people closer. But you need to figure out what it is you consider positive or negative first. Some people have very little idea of this, and just latch onto any person or group of friends because they fear feeling alone instead.

It's better to be alone than be surrounded by people who make you feel alone. Don't feel rushed to make 'friends' just because you are desperate for some company. That's how you often end up with these sorts of people. Instead, have standards, and stick to them. And probably most importantly, don't be like one of 'those' people yourself.