Online Dating Apps
Hi,
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
Girl you need to be yourself. If people can't accept you the way you are then maybe they aren't the right kind of people for you. Unless of course you have poor conversation skills and are rude (i.e not listening/interrupting when the other person is talking etc) then you do need to change those habits.
Other than that please don't be upset I'm sure you'll meet an amazing person who will love you for you ! Just keep trying and don't take things to heart.
(edited 7 months ago)
It sounds very cliche, but, you just have to be be you.
As they say 'it takes two to tango', so you can't just look to yourself if things don't spark on a date.
Relationships that last are based on how who you are interacts with who they are.
Moving to the 'advice' part... you should be focussing on who you are, and what you want from life. Relationships will come, don't worry about that. But that isn't what life is about. Think about it a second... are you looking for someone that is concerned with making themselves into something that you, or some other girl, will be attracted to? Or to someone that is focused on their own passions and interests?
As they say 'it takes two to tango', so you can't just look to yourself if things don't spark on a date.
Relationships that last are based on how who you are interacts with who they are.
Moving to the 'advice' part... you should be focussing on who you are, and what you want from life. Relationships will come, don't worry about that. But that isn't what life is about. Think about it a second... are you looking for someone that is concerned with making themselves into something that you, or some other girl, will be attracted to? Or to someone that is focused on their own passions and interests?
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
Try to work out what men are actually looking for with the app. Honestly, I use Tinder just to hook up. It's great for that. Not for serious relationships.
The "be you" advice is trotting out a platitude and is of little practical help.
Because everyone has several versions of the real "you".
Including holdiay mode, chilling out, relaxing you. Hard working investing for the future you.
Focused on self and the inner world you. Focused on the people around you and forgetting yourself you.
Behaving according to emotions you. Behaving according to logic you. Etc etc etc.
Why Men Love *****es by Sherry Argov is a great guide on what version of "you" get's the best results in dating and relationships. I think it's a misnamed book (understandable for marketing purposes). Argov says that the you should be self confident, assertive, positive, well behaved, non-supplicating, selective, time efficient. That's not a ***** to me at all. That's a woman I (and the majority of UK men) can respect, admire and fall deeply in love with.
Live for your own approval. Don't live for the approval of others. It's self destructive to let dating setbacks get you down. Try to cut out the self destruction from your life. Aim to be self constructive.
Disastrous dates make great anecdotes.
Moderate to great dates are you "living in the moment" when you are on them. IE pleasurable and a highlight of the week as you are on them.
Speaking personally as a man. On a first date, I expect the person I'm meeting to be different to how I imagined her. I try to keep an open mind. It's this unknown factor that make first dates so exciting.
These guys going on about romance don't have a clue. Sometimes fantastic relationships have a slow build up and can be like a Mills and Boon romance novel. Where the protagonists are initially not sure about each other. And via a series of episodes get to fall in love.
The best people to be in relationships with can be the ones that aren't great at the initial attraction thing. But as you get to know them you discover more and more strong points.
There will be a lot of men that have a "type". A rigid idea of what sort of woman they're looking for and what sort of first date they will have.
There's also a proportion of men that are like a huge flexible virus cell with loads of keys and shapes on the outside that they can rotate and use to fit in with a wide range of first dates and women. The sort of guys that don't sweat small stuff. That are flexible, open minded, adaptable.
Because everyone has several versions of the real "you".
Including holdiay mode, chilling out, relaxing you. Hard working investing for the future you.
Focused on self and the inner world you. Focused on the people around you and forgetting yourself you.
Behaving according to emotions you. Behaving according to logic you. Etc etc etc.
Why Men Love *****es by Sherry Argov is a great guide on what version of "you" get's the best results in dating and relationships. I think it's a misnamed book (understandable for marketing purposes). Argov says that the you should be self confident, assertive, positive, well behaved, non-supplicating, selective, time efficient. That's not a ***** to me at all. That's a woman I (and the majority of UK men) can respect, admire and fall deeply in love with.
Live for your own approval. Don't live for the approval of others. It's self destructive to let dating setbacks get you down. Try to cut out the self destruction from your life. Aim to be self constructive.
Disastrous dates make great anecdotes.
Moderate to great dates are you "living in the moment" when you are on them. IE pleasurable and a highlight of the week as you are on them.
Speaking personally as a man. On a first date, I expect the person I'm meeting to be different to how I imagined her. I try to keep an open mind. It's this unknown factor that make first dates so exciting.
These guys going on about romance don't have a clue. Sometimes fantastic relationships have a slow build up and can be like a Mills and Boon romance novel. Where the protagonists are initially not sure about each other. And via a series of episodes get to fall in love.
The best people to be in relationships with can be the ones that aren't great at the initial attraction thing. But as you get to know them you discover more and more strong points.
There will be a lot of men that have a "type". A rigid idea of what sort of woman they're looking for and what sort of first date they will have.
There's also a proportion of men that are like a huge flexible virus cell with loads of keys and shapes on the outside that they can rotate and use to fit in with a wide range of first dates and women. The sort of guys that don't sweat small stuff. That are flexible, open minded, adaptable.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
The "be you" advice is trotting out a platitude and is of little practical help.
Because everyone has several versions of the real "you".
Including holdiay mode, chilling out, relaxing you. Hard working investing for the future you.
Focused on self and the inner world you. Focused on the people around you and forgetting yourself you.
Behaving according to emotions you. Behaving according to logic you. Etc etc etc.
Why Men Love *****es by Sherry Argov is a great guide on what version of "you" get's the best results in dating and relationships. I think it's a misnamed book (understandable for marketing purposes). Argov says that the you should be self confident, assertive, positive, well behaved, non-supplicating, selective, time efficient. That's not a ***** to me at all. That's a woman I (and the majority of UK men) can respect, admire and fall deeply in love with.
Live for your own approval. Don't live for the approval of others. It's self destructive to let dating setbacks get you down. Try to cut out the self destruction from your life. Aim to be self constructive.
Disastrous dates make great anecdotes.
Moderate to great dates are you "living in the moment" when you are on them. IE pleasurable and a highlight of the week as you are on them.
Speaking personally as a man. On a first date, I expect the person I'm meeting to be different to how I imagined her. I try to keep an open mind. It's this unknown factor that make first dates so exciting.
These guys going on about romance don't have a clue. Sometimes fantastic relationships have a slow build up and can be like a Mills and Boon romance novel. Where the protagonists are initially not sure about each other. And via a series of episodes get to fall in love.
The best people to be in relationships with can be the ones that aren't great at the initial attraction thing. But as you get to know them you discover more and more strong points.
There will be a lot of men that have a "type". A rigid idea of what sort of woman they're looking for and what sort of first date they will have.
There's also a proportion of men that are like a huge flexible virus cell with loads of keys and shapes on the outside that they can rotate and use to fit in with a wide range of first dates and women. The sort of guys that don't sweat small stuff. That are flexible, open minded, adaptable.
Because everyone has several versions of the real "you".
Including holdiay mode, chilling out, relaxing you. Hard working investing for the future you.
Focused on self and the inner world you. Focused on the people around you and forgetting yourself you.
Behaving according to emotions you. Behaving according to logic you. Etc etc etc.
Why Men Love *****es by Sherry Argov is a great guide on what version of "you" get's the best results in dating and relationships. I think it's a misnamed book (understandable for marketing purposes). Argov says that the you should be self confident, assertive, positive, well behaved, non-supplicating, selective, time efficient. That's not a ***** to me at all. That's a woman I (and the majority of UK men) can respect, admire and fall deeply in love with.
Live for your own approval. Don't live for the approval of others. It's self destructive to let dating setbacks get you down. Try to cut out the self destruction from your life. Aim to be self constructive.
Disastrous dates make great anecdotes.
Moderate to great dates are you "living in the moment" when you are on them. IE pleasurable and a highlight of the week as you are on them.
Speaking personally as a man. On a first date, I expect the person I'm meeting to be different to how I imagined her. I try to keep an open mind. It's this unknown factor that make first dates so exciting.
These guys going on about romance don't have a clue. Sometimes fantastic relationships have a slow build up and can be like a Mills and Boon romance novel. Where the protagonists are initially not sure about each other. And via a series of episodes get to fall in love.
The best people to be in relationships with can be the ones that aren't great at the initial attraction thing. But as you get to know them you discover more and more strong points.
There will be a lot of men that have a "type". A rigid idea of what sort of woman they're looking for and what sort of first date they will have.
There's also a proportion of men that are like a huge flexible virus cell with loads of keys and shapes on the outside that they can rotate and use to fit in with a wide range of first dates and women. The sort of guys that don't sweat small stuff. That are flexible, open minded, adaptable.
I think you're missing the point when people say 'be yourself'... You're absolutely right that people code switch and such all the time, and have multiple versions of the 'true them', but I think the point is generally that you shouldn't be trying to make yourself be something you think that other people want artificially, because that is never going to be sustainable.
Original post by Anonymous
I think you're missing the point when people say 'be yourself'... You're absolutely right that people code switch and such all the time, and have multiple versions of the 'true them', but I think the point is generally that you shouldn't be trying to make yourself be something you think that other people want artificially, because that is never going to be sustainable.
Actually yes you should try to behave in ways that other people are more likely to find you attractive on a first date. Even if this involves you behaving in a way that feels unnatural to you.
It's called working on your woman to man social skills.
It's also called using the logical part of your brain to get results.
When you play pool you can either play however feels most natural to you, or you can play in a way that you're trying to be something that you're not. In this case you can try to play like a pro. With this including things like playing cheesy snookers to suppress your opponent.
When you go to work - in most 9-5 type jobs - you can either do it in a way that's the most natural you. Or you can do it in a more professional and therefore artificial manner.
Just about everything in life, you can do it in the "natural you" way or you can do it the more artificial "aiming to win" way. In almost all cases the more artificial way makes more sense.
The idea is to keep doing an endeavour in the artificial, maximising chances to win way until it's integrated into who and what you are and becomes second nature and part of your muscle memory.
That's called growth and development as a person.
These dates that the original poster is going on. They're a great opportunity for her to develop her woman to man social skills. She can either continue being the natural her or she can make a conscious effort to behave and speak in ways that men will find attractive (once she's given herself a bit of training on what it is that men find attractive).
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Actually yes you should try to behave in ways that other people are more likely to find you attractive on a first date. Even if this involves you behaving in a way that feels unnatural to you.
It's called working on your woman to man social skills.
It's also called using the logical part of your brain to get results.
When you play pool you can either play however feels most natural to you, or you can play in a way that you're trying to be something that you're not. In this case you can try to play like a pro. With this including things like playing cheesy snookers to suppress your opponent.
When you go to work - in most 9-5 type jobs - you can either do it in a way that's the most natural you. Or you can do it in a more professional and therefore artificial manner.
Just about everything in life, you can do it in the "natural you" way or you can do it the more artificial "aiming to win" way. In almost all cases the more artificial way makes more sense.
The idea is to keep doing an endeavour in the artificial, maximising chances to win way until it's integrated into who and what you are and becomes second nature and part of your muscle memory.
That's called growth and development as a person.
These dates that the original poster is going on. They're a great opportunity for her to develop her woman to man social skills. She can either continue being the natural her or she can make a conscious effort to behave and speak in ways that men will find attractive (once she's given herself a bit of training on what it is that men find attractive).
It's called working on your woman to man social skills.
It's also called using the logical part of your brain to get results.
When you play pool you can either play however feels most natural to you, or you can play in a way that you're trying to be something that you're not. In this case you can try to play like a pro. With this including things like playing cheesy snookers to suppress your opponent.
When you go to work - in most 9-5 type jobs - you can either do it in a way that's the most natural you. Or you can do it in a more professional and therefore artificial manner.
Just about everything in life, you can do it in the "natural you" way or you can do it the more artificial "aiming to win" way. In almost all cases the more artificial way makes more sense.
The idea is to keep doing an endeavour in the artificial, maximising chances to win way until it's integrated into who and what you are and becomes second nature and part of your muscle memory.
That's called growth and development as a person.
These dates that the original poster is going on. They're a great opportunity for her to develop her woman to man social skills. She can either continue being the natural her or she can make a conscious effort to behave and speak in ways that men will find attractive (once she's given herself a bit of training on what it is that men find attractive).
I find the very idea of having specific ways you train or force yourself to behave when specifically interacting with one half of the population kinda repugnant, personally...
Personal development is great, absolutely. But training yourself to act a particular way because it's how the majority of another group in society would like you to behave is categorically not personal development.
Men are not a monolith. Women are not a monolith. Sculpting your behaviour to appeal to the majority of either group is not a good path to fulfilment.
Wanting to be better at pool is a hobby. Wanting people to see you as somebody who is better at pool, regardless of your actual enjoyment of your behaviour, is pathological.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Live for your own approval. Don't live for the approval of others.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Actually yes you should try to behave in ways that other people are more likely to find you attractive on a first date. Even if this involves you behaving in a way that feels unnatural to you.
So which is it; live for your own approval or behave in a way that makes others approve of you?
Original post by Anonymous
Hi,
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I notice some advice is that you should change to attract a man - but not the other way round? Mmmm...
Maybe ditch the dating apps and find other ways to meet like-minded people, through friends or hobbies or travel. It's all about compatability, not behaving in an unnatural way that isn't sustainable; what happens when you revert to your true self, like grabbing the remote-control during an evening in front of the TV and shouting "Actually, I'm not interested in watching Strictly, I want to watch Match of the Day!"? (Or vice versa. This example would be me).
I met a guy at work. Over the next 4 days we chatted briefly about our careers then went on our first date: a long-distance run. Our second date was dinner that evening. We dated for 3 months and made it official when I'd just got back from a 45 mile sponsored walk in wet, muddy, sweaty clothes. I'm not a girly girl (ex-military, happy in casual clothes, regularly watch football), I can't flirt, have barely dated and a lot of this wouldn't be considered romantic. I haven't changed for this guy, he hasn't changed for me, we enjoy doing our own things, but we are still together.
Original post by Anonymous
I find the very idea of having specific ways you train or force yourself to behave when specifically interacting with one half of the population kinda repugnant, personally...
Personal development is great, absolutely. But training yourself to act a particular way because it's how the majority of another group in society would like you to behave is categorically not personal development.
Men are not a monolith. Women are not a monolith. Sculpting your behaviour to appeal to the majority of either group is not a good path to fulfilment.
Wanting to be better at pool is a hobby. Wanting people to see you as somebody who is better at pool, regardless of your actual enjoyment of your behaviour, is pathological.
Personal development is great, absolutely. But training yourself to act a particular way because it's how the majority of another group in society would like you to behave is categorically not personal development.
Men are not a monolith. Women are not a monolith. Sculpting your behaviour to appeal to the majority of either group is not a good path to fulfilment.
Wanting to be better at pool is a hobby. Wanting people to see you as somebody who is better at pool, regardless of your actual enjoyment of your behaviour, is pathological.
You find the idea that there are social skills that one can acquire via training repugnant. I find it pleasantly positive. Especially for someone that's had no success or limited success in getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. Part of it being so positive is the concept that one is not a victim. One is control over one's destiny.
You say it's not personal development to get better at your social skills. I say it is. I'd say it's the second most important area or personal development. With the most important being how to preserve your health.
Indeed, people aren't a monolith. And there is an element of luck in dating. However, there's also a large element of skill. There is very much a thing called human nature. There are certain principles that - if applied - greatly increase your chances of success in dating.
In the same way that there are certain marketing and sales skills that apply when running a business. You're not going to sell to everyone. But applying good marketing and sales principles will increase the number of sales.
I mentioned pool in my previous post as a metaphor to try to illustrate a point. Do you understand the point I was trying to make?
There's nothing pathological about wanting to win at a game. Winning is enjoyable.
Original post by Surnia
So which is it; live for your own approval or behave in a way that makes others approve of you?
Of the 2 concepts you quoted, both apply. It's not an either or.
Yes you should live for your own approval. I don't know about you, but I tend to approve of myself more when I win or I succeed or I get better at something.
Original post by Anonymous #1
Hi,
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
1st date is just checking the temp both ways. X
Original post by Anonymous #1
Hi,
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
I am struggling a lot on the dating apps. I am a woman and I have had 5 dates with men and they all told me they did not feel any romantic sparks or cannot see anything romantic all on the first date.
I am not sure how I am supposed to behave on the first date for them to percieve it as romantic. I am feeling extremely low where it is affecting ny mental health.
Please can someone (preferbly men) explain what they expect on a first date? What is romantic to you?
Thank you.
Well if you fancy meeting up for a coffee sometime, then let's us know, where you are from ?
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Would most girls filter out guys like Brad Pitt, Clooney, Dawney Jr and Johnny Depp?
- British born chinese (BBC) dating tips?
- What is the reason I continue to struggle to find a new boyfriend?
- Why are dating apps so bad for finding a real connection?
- Best way for single men to find partners
- Quality vs quantity in online dating for guys
- Dating apps are boring and soulless
- Best dating apps for long term relationships for men
- 27 (male) and never had a girlfriend
- Dissertation help!: Love in the Digital Age
- How long did it take u men to get a date from tinder?
- Girls find only 20% of guys attractive
- I want a relationship- Brown girl friendly
- I met someone in person from an online dating app
- Is it normal to do way worse on a dating app as a male?
- Online dating Learning - using example
- How in this time line
- Need some advice on an online dating situation
- Did I really miss out a lot by not dating at all so far and did I waste my time?
- Dating App Experiences
Latest
Trending
Last reply 6 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 6 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 6 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 6 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
