regretting opening up

Ive had a lot of friends i am very extroverted and i have very certain morals about life and a lot of my friends have told me that because of how open i am and how vulnerable i allow them to be that they depend on me, and quite a few have said before if it wasnt for me being in their life they might have killed themselves. However i have always felt this contradictory feeling never to open up to them and i dont know why. They are all very emotionally intelligent and considerate after all. Recently i opened up to a close friend about an attempt i had. And my struggle with bulimia. And for some reason i just regret it so much ? Ive kept both secrets for months/years and because i always encourage my friends to tell me when they struggle i guess ive always had a nagging voice telling me i NEED to tell them, otherwise im being hypocritical, but i just feel weird and unsatisfied, it feels like ive put a burden on her. She started to wonder what would happen if one day i was just gone what would she have done and how horrible she would have felt and she told me she loved me. It was so awkward idk. And the admitting bulimia was unsatisfying as well, because i had to explain what it was. I just dont know why i feel such a lack of catharsis and so much regret ? because according to my friends im apparently soooo emotionally intelligent and i always make sure they feel satisfied and like the exact opposite ?

regretting opening up

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