I’m 19 and my mum constantly calls me if I don’t reply within 5 minutes

I’m 19 and if I don’t reply to my mum’s texts within 5 minutes she’ll text me another 5 times and then will call me until I answer and it’s getting worse. I have a full time job and was in a meeting and left my phone on my desk and came back to hundreds of messages and 10 missed calls. The meeting was half an hour. She also has my location and constantly checks it and messages me asking why I’m in certain places and what I’m doing. I’m also not allowed a house key so that I’ll have to come home earlier so my dad is awake to let me in. I’ve told her that I don’t like it when she does all this and that I don’t know anyone else’s parents who are like this. She just says that she loves me and that clearly other parents don’t love their children as much. I genuinely cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I have no freedom and can’t live an adult life. What can I do?

Reply 1

DataVenia

Volunteer Team, Clearing and Applications Advisor

21

Original post by Anonymous

I’m 19 and if I don’t reply to my mum’s texts within 5 minutes she’ll text me another 5 times and then will call me until I answer and it’s getting worse. I have a full time job and was in a meeting and left my phone on my desk and came back to hundreds of messages and 10 missed calls. The meeting was half an hour. She also has my location and constantly checks it and messages me asking why I’m in certain places and what I’m doing. I’m also not allowed a house key so that I’ll have to come home earlier so my dad is awake to let me in. I’ve told her that I don’t like it when she does all this and that I don’t know anyone else’s parents who are like this. She just says that she loves me and that clearly other parents don’t love their children as much. I genuinely cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I have no freedom and can’t live an adult life. What can I do?

If it were me, and she just wouldn't accept that this behaviour wasn't appropriate, I'd just block her number. That would likely lead to a show-down, but would ultimately help her realise that things need to change, I believe.

This is not love. It's her trying to cling-on to her previous role where you were entirely dependent upon her for every aspect of your life. You're an adult now; those times are in the past. Your relationship with your mother needs to evolve to reflect that.

If, at 19, you still don't have a key to the house, you need to start making plans to move out and gain your independence that way. When they realise that they might lose the level of contact they have with you right now, perhaps they give you a key just to keep you close.

Reply 2

Time Tripper

4

You’d need to demonstrate that harassing you is more likely to make you not respond. As the comment above me says, next time she does this, block her temporarily. This is not normal behaviour.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Block her and make sure she doesn't have location tracking for you.

Unfortunately you may find this escalates - calling you on a new number (so only answer calls from your contacts) or calling where you work.

Tell her that unless she gives you a key to the house by the end of this week, you will make plans to move out (make sure it is not an empty threat).

Why is her life so empty that she is spending all her time and energy on you?

Reply 4

lalexm

16

Original post by Anonymous #1

I’m 19 and if I don’t reply to my mum’s texts within 5 minutes she’ll text me another 5 times and then will call me until I answer and it’s getting worse. I have a full time job and was in a meeting and left my phone on my desk and came back to hundreds of messages and 10 missed calls. The meeting was half an hour. She also has my location and constantly checks it and messages me asking why I’m in certain places and what I’m doing. I’m also not allowed a house key so that I’ll have to come home earlier so my dad is awake to let me in. I’ve told her that I don’t like it when she does all this and that I don’t know anyone else’s parents who are like this. She just says that she loves me and that clearly other parents don’t love their children as much. I genuinely cannot live like this anymore. I feel like I have no freedom and can’t live an adult life. What can I do?

This is too much. She is being so controlling that this could be considered a form of abuse. This would not be acceptable behaviour from a partner, and likewise in not acceptable from a parent when the child is an adult.

You need to regain some control by turning off your phone location, demanding a key, setting boundaries regarding when she can or can’t call you, and making it clear that you might take an hour or so to get back to her if you are in the middle of something. If all else fails you need to move out, but hopefully it won’t need to come to that.

I’m 19 and my mum constantly calls me if I don’t reply within 5 minutes

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