Finding it difficult to make friends...
Hey, I have recently started University at the grand old age of 28, and am lucky enough to be living in a three bedroom flat purchased by my Mum (with a small contribution from myself), which means that my monthly outgoings are relatively low (pay a small tokenistic amount of rent which help covers bills). I am also afforded the peace and quiet that I need to study (my flatmates are fairly quiet).
All of this sounds quite good on paper, but unfortunately it has left me a bit isolated in a sense. The University I attend is quite far from where I live (although transport links are good). My flatmates all have their own established social groups, and one is horrendously busy completing a PGCE.
There are times when I feel really lonely, especially at weekends which I tend to spend by myself. I guess I am missing the (small) group of friends that I have back at home. I am also someone who looks for a genuine connection with people. I don't really enjoy the artificiality of some types of social interaction if that makes sense.
I guess I have quite a niche taste in music, film and art as well, which I take quite seriously in some respects.
I was really looking forward to University, and I have worked hard to get here at this stage of my life, but I find my thoughts drifting to back home a lot at the moment.
The problem is that I know the isolation and peace that I have at my disposal will be really beneficial when the workload is extremely heavy and deadlines are looming. I want to try and retain some of these conditions, but it seems counterintuitive to making friends. Half the reason for writing this post was simply to get some of this stuff off my chest; the other half was to seek some advice from others who may have experienced something similar.
All of this sounds quite good on paper, but unfortunately it has left me a bit isolated in a sense. The University I attend is quite far from where I live (although transport links are good). My flatmates all have their own established social groups, and one is horrendously busy completing a PGCE.
There are times when I feel really lonely, especially at weekends which I tend to spend by myself. I guess I am missing the (small) group of friends that I have back at home. I am also someone who looks for a genuine connection with people. I don't really enjoy the artificiality of some types of social interaction if that makes sense.
I guess I have quite a niche taste in music, film and art as well, which I take quite seriously in some respects.
I was really looking forward to University, and I have worked hard to get here at this stage of my life, but I find my thoughts drifting to back home a lot at the moment.
The problem is that I know the isolation and peace that I have at my disposal will be really beneficial when the workload is extremely heavy and deadlines are looming. I want to try and retain some of these conditions, but it seems counterintuitive to making friends. Half the reason for writing this post was simply to get some of this stuff off my chest; the other half was to seek some advice from others who may have experienced something similar.
(edited 9 years ago)
Are you at uni a long way from home? Could you go home alternate weekends, or invite your friends to stay?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by img_src
The problem is that I know the isolation and peace that I have at my disposal will be really beneficial when the workload is extremely heavy and deadlines are looming. I want to try and retain some of these conditions, but it seems counterintuitive to making friends. Half the reason for writing this post was simply to get some of this stuff off my chest; the other half was to seek some advice from others who may have experienced something similar. I welcome all suggestions, but please bear in mind that I can be quite shy and may be considered to have a few traits which are identified with mild aspergers...
what i say is going to be controversial but i'll say it here anyway. you don't need friends - full stop. if you are a smart, hardworking and confident person you will realize that having friends is a waste of time. you're in uni. many people are dying to get into uni. international students often get their agents to get them places in sub par unis with their sub par grades.
work in tandem with your lecturers and personal tutors. have a vision in terms of goals you want to achieve. work hard towards them. if you have a religion then pray to your God regularly. revisit your goals every now and then to see if you are on the right track.
friends come and go. friends will always be there to make use of you. in this world, people will always want something in return. immerse yourself in your books and past year exam papers. listen to music, lead a healthy lifestyle and continue studying and revising for your exams. get a good degree classification and then prepare yourself to get into the workforce.
good luck.
I know your older but I think everyone needs friends around them even if they are busy with work it kind of levels out your mood, you say you have interests in art, music and film, why not look around if there are any events you could attend in your area? you will meet people there also whats stopping you from inviting your friends from home round to yours? i'm sure they could drop a weekend to come down and see you and stay over for a night
I dont want to sound presumptious but it sounds like this issue has followed you around since a little while before Uni. Often when we start something totally new like a job or university we realise just how much cumulative effort it took to establish the circle of friends and social life that we have.
Id encourage you not to put pressure on yourself to "be social" or "make freinds". It's still early days, let these things happen organically. The more you stress your self out about the social aspect of things the harder they become in my experience.
For now, (provided you're studying of course), just do what interests you at weekends. Uni is a great big bubbling cauldron of personality types, there is bound to be plenty of people with similar hobbies and interests to you. Maybe investigate what kind of clubs or groups are at your uni, or even in the local area where you live.
Relax, be yourself, and most of all don't wind yourself up thinking everyone else is having a better time than you
Id encourage you not to put pressure on yourself to "be social" or "make freinds". It's still early days, let these things happen organically. The more you stress your self out about the social aspect of things the harder they become in my experience.
For now, (provided you're studying of course), just do what interests you at weekends. Uni is a great big bubbling cauldron of personality types, there is bound to be plenty of people with similar hobbies and interests to you. Maybe investigate what kind of clubs or groups are at your uni, or even in the local area where you live.
Relax, be yourself, and most of all don't wind yourself up thinking everyone else is having a better time than you
Excuse the late reply...Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that replied to this thread.
First term has been pretty hard - spent quite a bit of time by myself! I'm going to try and adapt things slightly when I go back to uni; I will look into joining a society, and will just generally try to relax into things a bit more.
Jared Hobbes - you're advice was particularly helpful, and you're right, I didn't realise the cumulative effort it took to make the close friends that I have back at home. It certainly didn't happen overnight! Here's hoping next term proves a little more socially 'eventful'.
First term has been pretty hard - spent quite a bit of time by myself! I'm going to try and adapt things slightly when I go back to uni; I will look into joining a society, and will just generally try to relax into things a bit more.
Jared Hobbes - you're advice was particularly helpful, and you're right, I didn't realise the cumulative effort it took to make the close friends that I have back at home. It certainly didn't happen overnight! Here's hoping next term proves a little more socially 'eventful'.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by img_src
Excuse the late reply...Just wanted to say thank you to everyone that replied to this thread.
First term has been pretty hard - spent quite a bit of time by myself! I'm going to try and adapt things slightly when I go back to uni; I will look into joining a society, and will just generally try to relax into things a bit more.
Jared Hobbes - you're advice was particularly helpful, and you're right, I didn't realise the cumulative effort it took to make the close friends that I have back at home. It certainly didn't happen overnight! Here's hoping next term proves a little more socially 'eventful'.
First term has been pretty hard - spent quite a bit of time by myself! I'm going to try and adapt things slightly when I go back to uni; I will look into joining a society, and will just generally try to relax into things a bit more.
Jared Hobbes - you're advice was particularly helpful, and you're right, I didn't realise the cumulative effort it took to make the close friends that I have back at home. It certainly didn't happen overnight! Here's hoping next term proves a little more socially 'eventful'.
I would advise the opposite to the others.
TSR is a very peculiar place and has a lot of people who are extremely awkward and tend to promote the things they like or are good at (for example, studying), whilst minimising those that they are lacking in (like socialising).
I wouldn't say that having friends is the be all and end all, but not taking a full part in university life misses out some of the essential quality of the experience. If you are lucky enough to be a full time student, then I would advise you to do everything you can to make the most of it. The friends you can make and the networks / relationships can be invaluable. not to mention fun and enjoyable. Just where is the enjoyment in being isolated?
First off, the university probably makes ample provision for you - there must be at least two or three union socs that you would like to take part in. Almost none of these require any previous experience or skill. Some sports clubs will take you as a social member and have no expectation of you taking part.
Obviously look to make friends on your course. Grow a thick skin, and just start going along on things. Facebook is an essential part of this for most - just go ahead and friend request everyone on your course - there's no stigma attached.
Don't get all hung up on being a mature student. The kids only care or get creeped out if you do. If you go along with things, no one will care that you're 10 years older.
If there's nothing for you to do or go to - make it happen yourself. Find out where near your uni is popular for meals, and get at least one person to come along with you to a meal. Open an event on facebook and invite everyone to a bring-you-own-bottle curry on a boring day like a Monday or Tuesday.
Most of all, don't listen to what the people on TSR about being social or not. It's what you want that matters - not them.
Hey Clip, many thanks for your reply, it is always good to have another perspective on the situation.
Re: Facebook - as you say, it can be a useful way of arranging social activity, but I have never personally had an account, and I don't really have any intention of signing up for one at the moment. It is just something that I think would be a little distracting for me, and something that I think I can do without. I guess you could say that I am imposing limits on myself, but that is one thing I feel quite strongly about, so my mind will remain made up on that one for the time being.
Haven't experienced any prejudice from any of the younger students on the course about my age - in fact, they are often surprised when I tell them that I am 28, as they always tell me that I look younger than 28. My flatmate is in his early 20's, and he says he always thinks of me as being more in my early 20's as well...still deciding if that is a good thing or not!
Quite a few people have advocated joining a society, so as I have previously mentioned, I will start exploring that option when I return to Uni next week.
Ultimately, I realise that the complexities of the real world (circumstances, location, people around me) can't really be untangled (or properly and adequately conveyed) in a thread on a forum, but I am grateful for all the advice and opinions that I have been given. I think I will just have to let the whole situation play out next term. I won't stress out too much about things; I know I can get through a term without much social contact and come out the other side relatively unscathed, so I'll be ok if next term turns out to be much of the same. If it doesn't, and things pick up, then great! But my focus will largely remain on the coursework, which does take up a lot of time as the course I am doing is quite practical in many respects.
Re: Facebook - as you say, it can be a useful way of arranging social activity, but I have never personally had an account, and I don't really have any intention of signing up for one at the moment. It is just something that I think would be a little distracting for me, and something that I think I can do without. I guess you could say that I am imposing limits on myself, but that is one thing I feel quite strongly about, so my mind will remain made up on that one for the time being.
Haven't experienced any prejudice from any of the younger students on the course about my age - in fact, they are often surprised when I tell them that I am 28, as they always tell me that I look younger than 28. My flatmate is in his early 20's, and he says he always thinks of me as being more in my early 20's as well...still deciding if that is a good thing or not!
Quite a few people have advocated joining a society, so as I have previously mentioned, I will start exploring that option when I return to Uni next week.
Ultimately, I realise that the complexities of the real world (circumstances, location, people around me) can't really be untangled (or properly and adequately conveyed) in a thread on a forum, but I am grateful for all the advice and opinions that I have been given. I think I will just have to let the whole situation play out next term. I won't stress out too much about things; I know I can get through a term without much social contact and come out the other side relatively unscathed, so I'll be ok if next term turns out to be much of the same. If it doesn't, and things pick up, then great! But my focus will largely remain on the coursework, which does take up a lot of time as the course I am doing is quite practical in many respects.
I think joining a society is definitely the best way to go. There will likely be a mature student society at your university, as well as music/film/art societies. I think societies will be a large part of me finding my feet socially at university, as I also have quite a specific taste in music, film, etc.
Hello, xin chao
I understand what youre going through. Trust me, youre not alone in this. Many of those people who seem happy and busy with their social groups may just be as lonely as you are. And speaking from experience, I doubt being isolated will really benefit your uni results. It actually would work - no distraction, just a goal and to be in your element to push forward - its true, but from how you described your self, i get the feeling that even though youre shy, youre not antisocial, and you do like/need human interaction, just the right kind. You allow your self to be isolated for too long, your mental health may be affected, and that will affect your study too.
So why don't go look for connection? Part time work with/at animal cares or actually do get one if you like animals and your place allow them. Bring your weekend activities outdoor (cafe,libraries, galleries, parks) - fresh air and that
I understand what youre going through. Trust me, youre not alone in this. Many of those people who seem happy and busy with their social groups may just be as lonely as you are. And speaking from experience, I doubt being isolated will really benefit your uni results. It actually would work - no distraction, just a goal and to be in your element to push forward - its true, but from how you described your self, i get the feeling that even though youre shy, youre not antisocial, and you do like/need human interaction, just the right kind. You allow your self to be isolated for too long, your mental health may be affected, and that will affect your study too.
So why don't go look for connection? Part time work with/at animal cares or actually do get one if you like animals and your place allow them. Bring your weekend activities outdoor (cafe,libraries, galleries, parks) - fresh air and that
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