Hey,
Look, I'm sorry. Honestly. I'm tired of saying it, I'm tired of giving myself new reasons to have to, but I am.
You know that I have mental health problems, they've been screwing up my life for at least three years now and I know I've told you a little about how if affects me, but I feel I still have some explaining to do. You'll probably never read this but at least I know it's out here somewhere. Recently my self-love has been really targetted. I spent my childhood feeling sick with guilt that I'd even been born so I've never been very good at loving myself. What people don't realise is how practical love is - when you love someone you care about making sure they eat and sleep and have healthy relationships; when you actively hate yourself, you get comfortable with feeling hungry because you enjoy starving yourself, you stop drinking water, you stop replying to people's messages, you stop going to school, you start triggering yourself and having breakdowns every day where you're crying hysterically and punching the walls. Really, you're just gearing up to something bigger.
Yesterday, we fought. Our first fight as friends. And I was so sick of always fixing things, of always swallowing my hurt and anger so I could be understanding and sensitive and giving and apologise, again. So I just blocked you on every single social media platform available. Really, I was just fed up of seeing you get hurt again just from being too close to me. You were the first person that I'd managed to open up to without hurting, and I screwed that up. Do you know what it's like to see your own mother fall apart when she first sees the cuts on your ankles? Do you know what it's like to break the hearts of everyone who loves you, despite your best efforts to protect them from yourself? It sucks.
Honestly though, the main reason I let this fight get so crazy was because I wanted to. I wanted to drive you away. Because if you stopped expecting to ever hear from me again, if you stopped wanting to hear from me again, you wouldn't notice if one day you didn't. If one day I finally had the guts to just leave. To leave in the most final way possible. It's been playing on my mind a lot recently, I spend most of my time fantasising about my funereal, whether or not I would leave a note, etc. And I regret so much that this affected you. I shouldn't have let it. But I'm so exhausted from ignoring all these things I feel so deeply and so often in a desperate attempt to lead a functional life.
I slipped up. I made decisions based on fear and pain, and it affected you.
I know that what we had when we were together is over, I know that you're completely over it, you've already replaced me, but I really value your friendship and I wish there was some way I could fix things. I know you're annoyed, disappointed, whatever you want to call it (by the way that really sucked because I'm so sick of disappointing everyone - friends, family, teacher, my therapist - but you're actually right, I can't deny that I am actually a disappointment just because I wish I wasn't. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I can't take responsibility for my actions.)
Take all the time you need. I just really don't want to lose you again, that would be heartbreaking and my heart is already broken.
L xx