The Long Distance Relationship Society Advice Centre Mark II

Just gone long distance with my boyfriend of 2+ years as I'm moving to another university to do an MA. We've been apart for two months so far and it's as good as you could hope, but we both have anxiety and depression and I'm worried that's going to cause problems. I'm worried that I'll be terrified going to a new place all alone without a support network, and not having it there will make it really hard. Also, when he feels really crap, he doesn't like to talk, then I feel completely shut off from him and it's hard to deal with that. Anyone have any advice how to handle these things, or just LDR tips in general? Thanks!

Our LDR of a year ended yesterday. Well, he ended it due to a loss of feelings over the past couple of weeks. That wasn't the only factor though: he was saving up all year to come visit me this summer, and he was telling me recently how soon he was coming to visit, when yesterday, after telling me that his feelings for me had changed on Sunday, that he was no longer able to visit this summer; he had to use the money he'd saved up to pay for a family member's operation. So no visit. And it wouldn't be that bad, because personally, I would have been willing to wait for him until next year if it meant still being able to be with him, but the sudden removal of the visit from the equation took away one of our only hopes of his feelings for me coming back (we'd both agreed that the lack of physicality was one of the roots of his changed feelings). He didn't want to string me along any further and hurt my feelings, so he said he thought it was best to leave it here. He still wants to meet me though, but next summer is the soonest he's able to see me now, and he said he wasn't willing to wait that long and be committed to me until then. So there you have it, in a nutshell. Fun times, eh?

Blunt question if anyone isn't too uncomfortable answering

How do you keep things sexual in your LDR? If at all?

We're in the 21st century - Skype or sexting. Although, some couples are luckier than I in that they can regularly visit each other. Basically you just wing it and see what happens. I have noticed that people who get into LDR's aren't as bothered about sex.

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LDR coming to an end on Thursday. It's been a couple years now, and we'll be moving up North together very soon. Very happy, we've been together 7 years, 2 of which were LDR.

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Congrats! Must be a fantastic feeling

Yeah, Skype and sexting was fine at first, but then since we met and actually...did stuff, we don't bother because it's just so crap in comparison. So we are finding it more difficult to keep that side of things going since meeting properly.

Trying to be imaginative haha.

Hello Everyone,

I've been in a LDR for 19 months now, although we've only been a couple of hours away from each other so not too difficult to travel. He works in Nottingham and I've just graduated and going to be moving to start a graduate scheme near Reading (near my hometown) in September so only 2-3 hours away. We've just come back from an amazing holiday from Florida, and it feels so weird to be without him.

What I'm worried about, is although we have been quite laid-back about some form of end goal and we won't be too far from each other so can visit every other week, is how we can progress in our relationship further from when I start my job. We've always been in an LDR so its not like we have to transition from short to long distance, but its just making it harder to believe in some sort of end goal.

I'm not worried about us breaking up, we've had in depth conversations and have both said we've had the advantage of starting long distance so we are use to it, but I would love to see some form of progression and not sure when or how that would come about.

Any advice or experiences in something similar would be great! Thank you.

Hey! Firstly, that's really cool that you guys had a lovely holiday together, that must have been great to get to spend the time together for days/weeks consecutively. It sounds like you guys are strong and have a lot of regard for each other which is great.

I do 100% think you're right that there does have to be an end goal to an LDR if you're wanting to keep the relationship tenable in the long run.. Since you're starting your grad scheme in Reading, I assume you'll be tied up with that for the next couple of years. He's in Nottingham right now, you haven't said if he has a fixed contract there, but you could broach the idea of after your grad scheme, both trying to move to the same city (not necessarily moving into the same house if you find that too fast) but so that you guys can see each other every night if you wanted to. So you could move to Nottingham after your grad scheme, or he could try to find work in Reading in the next months/years, or you guys could agree to move somewhere new like London where jobs might be available to you both. It would be cool if you chatted about it and both agree you'd like to be in the same spot within the next year or so, and that gives you structure and something concrete to aim for, which is always good for relationships, I think.

Thanks for the reply! Yeah it was such a lovely holiday, got to spend two weeks with him which was the longest we've ever spent with each other so definitley a highlight. We are definitley a strong LDR compared to others I have known about, its my first relationship as well so being in an LDR for almost two years is definitley something to celebrate!

Yeah I'll be tied up in the grad scheme for the next couple of years which is why I'm worried, obviously a grad scheme closer to Nottingham would have been lovely but just wasn't meant to be! I think next time I see him I might discuss what you've suggested with him and see what he thinks. I'm definitley flexible emotionally to moving in/closer with him, but just what happens with the grad scheme really is the limiting factor. I know he loves Nottingham very much, I really enjoy being up there as well when I'm with him so can see why, so I think its something for him to think about as well. I'm much more the planner than he is, which is why I'm worrying a bit more!

Thank you very much!

That's really cool and you are so right, a two-year relationship that's long-distance and being very happy in it is real testament to how solid you guys are, and that's a great foundation to work with.

I guess it seems cool for now, you can talk loosely about future plans and then nearer to the end of your grad scheme you can discuss seriously whether you move to Notts or another city together. The thing about LDRs is that they require more compromise and potentially, sacrifice, so if you are totally unable to get a job in your sector in Nottingham you can consider the potential of moving together elsewhere- who knows maybe he'll fancy a change of air by then too! But that's further down the line and for now I recommend carrying on what you're doing, sounds like you two are grand!

Thank you, lets just hope it continues that way! Yeah I understand where you are coming from, think its just me worrying too much! We've already come up with a loose plan of seeing each other every other week, he should hopefully be able to pass his driving test soon with the hope of buying a car before September and I'm considering investing in a car for work so that would make travelling a lot easier between us. Thank you! The only other problem that we've had throughout our LDR is communication, he's a lot more laid back about it and wish he would talk more and be the one to strike up conversations more often but he knows that its something he needs to improve on...so I'm hoping it does soon!

Again, thanks for calming me down a bit! Think after spending a long time with him on holiday and now not seeing him until my graduation in a couple of weeks that it just hit me a bit!

Hey everyone,

Just now discovered this thread! Next week my boyfriend is moving to California. We've been going out for almost a year now, and we want to continue the relationship. I can't imagine my life without him and I'm not going to let the distance get in the way of us.

He's going to college in L.A. in the fall, but flying back to the U.S. next week. (He's American, I'm British). He's going to be studying in Cali for the next 4 years, and I have one more year of A-levels, then probably a gap year, then 4 years at uni (if I go to uni). So it's gonna be a looong time before we can live together. Do you guys think I'm crazy? I know it's going to be hard, but is it doable d'ya think? I feel sad that he's going away for a year, but honestly I don't think it's properly sunk in yet. I'm scared that I'm in over my head, but really want this to work, and willing to put the effort in.

Best,

Sam

Hi. I am in a LDR and it has only just started. Me and my girlfriend have been together only 6 months, she is in Australia and I am in England.

I will be starting uni in September (hopefully) and she has gone out there for 1 year to work (gap year).

We are trying to communicate as much as possible but at times it feels like it's only me making the effort to speak and I always make the time to speak to her. I can accept the fact that we have a 9 hour time difference and she wants to enjoy her time out there and meet new people but at the same time I don't get much attention, if any lately.

We have 11 months left apart before she comes back, and in this time ill hopefully be starting university so ill be occupied but I don't want the relationship to end because we become too busy.

Could anyone offer me any advice?

Thank you.


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