I have no friends or social life

God, this is so depressing. Basically, at the moment I have no friends or social life whatsoever, and I'm so lonely. I feel I'm just existing rather than living, and I have no idea how to turn things around.

It's not as though I've not had friends or a social life in the past. I'm very friendly and outgoing usually. Basically, I had a long term relationship, and our social circle was made up mainly of other couples. When we broke up, I felt I needed a clean break, so I chose a uni that was hundreds of miles away.

I loved uni. I had a group of close friends and flatmates, would go clubbing etc a few times a week, I was in a couple of clubs etc. After I graduated last year, I moved back home as I missed my family and seeing my young niece growing up.

In the 3 years I was gone, the majority of my friends back here got into serious relationships, got married, had kids etc. I literally have nothing in common anymore with them, and though we meet up, it's only occasionally. They are all settled in their lives and seem past the going out stage, whereas I'm single and would still like an active social life.

My whole life now consists of going to work, coming home. I see my sister once a week, when we go for a drink/meal/cinema etc, and my other sister and niece every 1-2 weeks. And that's it.

I can't keep on like this. I want to get out there and live life, but it's not as if I can just go to a club/the pub/cinema/bowling etc on my own. It seems so hard to make new friends the older you get. I worry that if I carry on like this, my life is going to be so lonely, with little chance of marriage or children. After all, who would want to date someone who has no social life?

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do to turn it around? I would be happy with just one or two friends to be honest.

Reply 1

Jmzie-Coupe

14

Well at least you have money, go on holiday and enjoy yourself, you are still young. Just go to Italy for the weekend and drink and party and meet people such ways, that's what I used to do when I was single.

go on okcupid

Why don't you go down the local pub and talk to some people?
People aren't going to come to you, you'll have to go out and make the effort.

Or go to the gym and take a class to make some friends?

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Popular-reject-x

Why don't you go down the local pub and talk to some people?
People aren't going to come to you, you'll have to go out and make the effort.

Or go to the gym and take a class to make some friends?

I just wouldn't feel confident enough to go to the pub on my own. Maybe if I was a lad, but as a woman it would seem a bit weird.

There was just always so much going on at uni activity wise, a went from having a fantastic social life and being v.happy to zero social life.

I like the gym idea though, I might try Zumba as that seems like quite a sociable class. :smile:

Reply 5

Anonymous #2

Yep, I'm in the same boat -- no friends and certainly no social life. The only difference is I've never been desperately sociable to begin with, unlike you. I'm not completely anti-social, but I don't really have the motivation to go out and do things with people. I lack confidence (years of bullying and school and college did that) and I'm very self conscious, so I tend to push people away albeit non-intentionally. Being a good friend and having a social life seems like an exhausting effort to me, so from my perspective it is easier not to bother trying. My family know I don't have any friends or a social life and my work colleagues don't ask about my social life because they know I don't have one.

Reply 6

Popular-reject-x

Original post by Anonymous

Yep, I'm in the same boat -- no friends and certainly no social life. The only difference is I've never been desperately sociable to begin with, unlike you. I'm not completely anti-social, but I don't really have the motivation to go out and do things with people. I lack confidence (years of bullying and school and college did that) and I'm very self conscious, so I tend to push people away albeit non-intentionally. Being a good friend and having a social life seems like an exhausting effort to me, so from my perspective it is easier not to bother trying. My family know I don't have any friends or a social life and my work colleagues don't ask about my social life because they know I don't have one.

That seems slightly sad :s-smilie:

"Friends are the family you choose yourself,"

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

Yep, I'm in the same boat -- no friends and certainly no social life. The only difference is I've never been desperately sociable to begin with, unlike you. I'm not completely anti-social, but I don't really have the motivation to go out and do things with people. I lack confidence (years of bullying and school and college did that) and I'm very self conscious, so I tend to push people away albeit non-intentionally. Being a good friend and having a social life seems like an exhausting effort to me, so from my perspective it is easier not to bother trying. My family know I don't have any friends or a social life and my work colleagues don't ask about my social life because they know I don't have one.

Are you happy like that? I can't get used to having so much time on my own, it really gets me down. Although I know a lot of people really don't mind their own company.

Are you close to your family at least? Sometimes that's enough. Unfortunately my family aren't really the close kind.

Reply 8

Réglisse

3

Original post by Anonymous

Are you happy like that? I can't get used to having so much time on my own, it really gets me down. Although I know a lot of people really don't mind their own company.

Are you close to your family at least? Sometimes that's enough. Unfortunately my family aren't really the close kind.

It's tough, I can totally empathise with you. Try asking the people at work out for a few drinks, branching out, starting conversations. Why not scout the internet for clubs that you're interested in in your city/area that you could join? For example, I joined a French speakers' society (I study French) which wasn't part of the university and met a lot of different people. We all hung out and I ended up going to BBQs and parties with them. It's a great way to socialise. Use this website for starters, type in your region and area of interest and all sorts come up. I know it's scary at first but people who belong to these groups are generally very friendly and just want to branch out, like you do. http://www.meetup.com/

But don't worry, there are A LOT of lonely people out there, you really are not alone. It seems everyone is having a great time but the reality is often far from that. See this article from today:http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2019545/The-loneliness-epidemic-Attractive-successful--years-EMILY-WHITE-felt-profoundly-Why-honest-problem-blights-lives.html

(edited 12 years ago)

Reply 9

ShadowConspiracy

3

I would sit in the local pub and get wasted, This is what I do in tricky situations.

Reply 10

Réglisse

3

Original post by ShadowConspiracy

I would sit in the local pub and get wasted, This is what I do in tricky situations.

It's not altogether great when she's trying to formulate meaningful relationships with people though, is it? Maybe once she's got the great mates, getting wasted would be the best option :biggrin:

Reply 11

yeebz93

11

I am not trying to convert you or anything but you could try going to a church because there are lots of friendly people there :biggrin:

Reply 12

CD2112

14

I have a very similar set of circumstances to you OP. Fortunately I saw it coming about a year before and so spent that time thinking about what I could do to lesson the impact that it would have on my social life. The best advice I can give is to plan events with friends, even if they are weeks apart, so that way you always have something to look forward to, and your existing friendships are not completely lost.
My problem was that I wanted things with my friends to be like they were in school/college/uni and I realised that as you get older that just isn't possible anymore. People change and grow apart and I think the only thing you can do is accept this and try to make the best out of a bad situation.
As for finding new friends I don't think you should go to pubs and stuff overtly looking for them as to me thats kind of desperate and weird. New people can enter your life when you least expect it and if you're lucky, you can have as good a freindship with these people as you did with your old friends. It's probably only a rough patch, so just try and ride it out in the hope that things will eventually pick up. Still though, joining social clubs and stuff seems cool but I always thought with things like that people already have their own social circles formed, and I would be scared that they would see through me and realise that I am only there because I have no freinds/social life haha.

Sorry for the essay btw, but this issue is quite a big thing in my life at the moment :smile:

.

Reply 13

Anonymous #2

Original post by Popular-reject-x

That seems slightly sad :s-smilie:

"Friends are the family you choose yourself,"

It may seem sad, and I suppose it is, but I'm beyond the point of caring now. I'm happy keeping myself to myself now and I quite like not having to make the effort of maintaining friendship.

Original post by Anonymous

Are you happy like that? I can't get used to having so much time on my own, it really gets me down. Although I know a lot of people really don't mind their own company.

Are you close to your family at least? Sometimes that's enough. Unfortunately my family aren't really the close kind.

I'm very happy with my own company. I don't mind spending time with people occasionally, but I mean very occasionally. Going to work generally provides enough social interaction for me, then I am perfectly happy doing my own thing.

I'm semi close to my family, but not massively tight knit or anything. I guess it is more of a love-hate relationship at times.

I've got plenty of animals and I get much more enjoyment spending time with them than I do people. :smile:

Reply 14

wanderlust.xx

18

Original post by CD2112

My problem was that I wanted things with my friends to be like they were in school/college/uni and I realised that as you get older that just isn't possible anymore./QUOTE]

This is probably the most useful thing I could say, OP.

I normally go out once or twice every two weeks with mates, but apart from that you just have to fill your time with other stuff... read, write, exercise... give yourself some goals and go get them.

Reply 15

Deyn_08

11

what the hell is there to look forward to life then?

Reply 16

Anonymous #3

Original post by Anonymous

Yep, I'm in the same boat -- no friends and certainly no social life. The only difference is I've never been desperately sociable to begin with, unlike you. I'm not completely anti-social, but I don't really have the motivation to go out and do things with people. I lack confidence (years of bullying and school and college did that) and I'm very self conscious, so I tend to push people away albeit non-intentionally. Being a good friend and having a social life seems like an exhausting effort to me, so from my perspective it is easier not to bother trying. My family know I don't have any friends or a social life and my work colleagues don't ask about my social life because they know I don't have one.

I can relate to this - no friends to spend the Summer with and no social life at all. As a result of bullying at school, I find it very difficult making friends; I often feel I'm too boring to talk to, I feel as if I can't always be myself, I lack confidence and therefore I don't consider myself fun to be around, and I'm just generally very self conscious. Since this has been the situation now for some years, I certainly haven't made any decent friendships during that time. As the person I have quoted said "Being a good friend and having a social life seems like an exhausting effort to me" I can't help but feel like this too.

Reply 17

a rusH

10

Original post by Anonymous

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do to turn it around? I would be happy with just one or two friends to be honest.

I haven't been in the situation as I'm still pretty young so my advice could be wrong (sorry if it is) but from the sounds of it, you had a lot of fun at uni- have you considered moving back to that city? Yes you will be far from your family but you said you don't see them that often anyway.
I think you should try to find a job in a bigger, busier city if you can (e.g London) , move there and make lots of friends!

Good luck!

Reply 18