You never forget your first love, do you?

I'm asking this question as I tend to lurk around TSR too often without contributing very much. I don't have much to input most of the time. This post is partly me thinking-out-loud, and partly me looking for some advice. You don't need to read it though.

So, to all that have ever felt heart-breaking love I ask... do you ever truly get over it?

My first and only relationship (to date) began around 4 years ago when I was 18. It lasted roughly 2 years. I've had a lot of time to learn and grow, though I'm not sure I've yet healed. Starting to doubt I'll ever fully heal. There seems to be a deep scar within me. Not mere emotional pain, but a permanent emotional pain, or fracture in my personality. Does this exist and persist in all who've ever been 'heartbroken'?

The experience of love and heartbreak fundamentally changed me. I'd spent most of my life feeling inferior, unloved and hopelessly alone. The result of my personality traits perhaps. Definitely the bullying my traits seemed to attract. Picking on the quiet kid that doesn't fight back was a quick way to bolster classroom reputation. So, unfortunately, like many other victims of bullying, I was left with a deep feeling of inferiority in life. So when this girl appeared and not only accepted me, but came to love me, it was an amazing experience. A doomed experience. They say love blinds. Well it did, for a while. Then I began to see the ugly shadows lurking around me. Within me. The many years of being victimised had created a darker side to my personality; a jealous, paranoid, envious, vengeful and angry person with no self-esteem. At the time I didn't know these things existed within me; I was just me. When they began to creep up from my unconscious, however, it created a rift in the relationship; ultimately destroying it. I would regularly think she was cheating. I'd tell her that I wasn't worthy of her. That I didn't deserve her. I'd act possessive, afraid of losing her. I became aware of all the attention she unwittingly drew to herself. I grew jealous.

In the end, she did cheat. She found love elsewhere. I don't blame her - I pushed her away. I tried to push her away. I consider cheating to be the symptom of a relationship gone wrong. She's still with him now.

Even now I feel a stab of envy when I think of her with him, happily living together. Him with none of the problems I had. Him with the money I lacked. Him with the personality I lacked. Him with the appearance I lacked.

I felt entitled to her in many ways. I had suffered enough in life; she was my prize of sorts. The one I'd been waiting for all this time. I'd fought through all those days to reach her when I did, and I was happy. She didn't just reject the mask I wore for society, but she rejected and shattered me to the very core. I had nowhere to run and hide. I think I caught a glimpse of something beneath that shattered core of mine, something distant and dormant; true peace and wellbeing.

I vowed that I'd become all I had the potential to be; to recreate myself, to become a better person. I didn't want to live in fear anymore. I was tired of hiding from the world. That newfound drive led to a huge inner search for purpose, identity and understanding. The process of rebuilding had well and truly begun... I still catch glimpses of that stillness within, from time to time. In quiet, reflective moments. Like now.

Am I a more complete person now? I'm not sure we ever reach 'completion' - but we take the journey toward it nonetheless. Oh how we struggle. I like to think I'm a little bit wiser at least, about the world. More confident in myself. Where love was a blinding white light before, now it's an entire spectrum of colour. I see more now, and it's truly beautiful. I want to fully explore this spectrum - but something is holding me back.

Even though I'm predominantly a happy and optimistic person now (whereas I was mostly negative and pessimistic back then), I continue to break down from time to time. Majorly. Self-doubt, self-loathing and fear fill me. Fear that this is how I'm going to remain; a somewhat happy, yet deeply flawed, person. One who will never be quite right.

I keep turning inward, away from people. I don't let them get too close. I put up a veil of humour behind which I hide. It carries me through most social situations. Whenever I become aware of the slightest hint that something could go further, I but some barrier up between myself and the world so as to make sure it can't go on. Then I scold myself for not being who I really am around people (and I think I know who I really am, I've felt it); I hide in a shell, just like old times. The casual observer, watching the world through his looking glass, wishing nothing more than to be a part of it like everybody else.

The whole process of love and relationships - or, what I've come to understand of them - seem to have been lit before me, and, whereas before I was in the dark, unaware of what lay ahead, now I see all around. Now I consciously take a path around experiences that beforehand I would have stumbled into. How many opportunities am I missing due to this avoidance? Afterall, it was pure chance I happened across this girl in the first place.

I thought I'd gone deep down to the core of my situation. I have learned a lot. I have. I just don't see how I can go any further into myself to find more answers; to learn and grow and get over her. To love again, which I seem to want. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I should just stop wanting love; but that sounds like a very poor way of living life...

Is this just the curse that befalls all those who eat of the fruit of love?

(That's all. I should just create a blog, I know. I do this rarely though. I don't care if nobody reads this; it was enough for me to let it out as I have. But feel free to leave some advice, preferably from personal experience...)

The only thing I can say is it is so easy to think it is the end of the world. My first boyfriend was the love of my life. Like you he was mine for two years, the only thing in the world I felt like I didn't have to share with anyone. He didn't cheat but may as well have because 2 weeks after leaving me he started a new relationship with a girl. He is still with her 5 years later. I'm not going to say it was easy. I was pretty much in love with him a further 2 years after we split up, despite me going out with someone else for a year of that, even though I didn't speak to him. I then started a new relationship which lasted 2 years (which takes me up to about 6 months ago) and even though I was deeply in love with this man I still had feelings for THE ONE. The first love. However. It only took a short break between me and my ex boyfriend (strangely my first boyfriend was on a break from his long term girlfriend- they are back together now) that we met on a night out and kissed. Since then and I can honestly say this, I have not been interested in speaking to him ever again. My younger self got closure on the heartbreak I had felt for so many years! Sometimes it purely is wanting something you can't have. I know this isn't viable for everybody because at the end of the day you might not have that chance with you ex, to experience what I did 4 years on from our split in 2006. The mentality of overcoming someones power of you is so hard, and there are many ways about it, and I relate this same experience to the boyfriend I split with 6 months ago. I only want what I cant have. I just hope this feeling doesn't last as long as it did with my first love.

I wonder if there's a way to induce closure without being in contact with the person you wish closure from?

Interesting... I didn't anticipate closure. I suppose we're all like little children in the way we want what we can't have, only to then decide we don't want it, should we ever get it. Something about human 'nature' maybe? That's a question for a rainy day. I wonder if there's a way to induce closure without being in contact with the person you wish closure from? Time doesn't seem to be enough; there's something else I'm missing.

PS: How do you anonymise a post? That would have been useful here.

Anon - it sounds like you still had contact with him after you split. Do you think it would have been better if you had cut all ties and tried to move on? (I understand this may not have been possible, but imagine it was...)

I'm asking this question as I tend to lurk around TSR too often without contributing very much. I don't have much to input most of the time. This post is partly me thinking-out-loud, and partly me looking for some advice. You don't need to read it though.

So, to all that have ever felt heart-breaking love I ask... do you ever truly get over it?

My first and only relationship (to date) began around 4 years ago when I was 18. It lasted roughly 2 years. I've had a lot of time to learn and grow, though I'm not sure I've yet healed. Starting to doubt I'll ever fully heal. There seems to be a deep scar within me. Not mere emotional pain, but a permanent emotional pain, or fracture in my personality. Does this exist and persist in all who've ever been 'heartbroken'?

The experience of love and heartbreak fundamentally changed me. I'd spent most of my life feeling inferior, unloved and hopelessly alone. The result of my personality traits perhaps. Definitely the bullying my traits seemed to attract. Picking on the quiet kid that doesn't fight back was a quick way to bolster classroom reputation. So, unfortunately, like many other victims of bullying, I was left with a deep feeling of inferiority in life. So when this girl appeared and not only accepted me, but came to love me, it was an amazing experience. A doomed experience. They say love blinds. Well it did, for a while. Then I began to see the ugly shadows lurking around me. Within me. The many years of being victimised had created a darker side to my personality; a jealous, paranoid, envious, vengeful and angry person with no self-esteem. At the time I didn't know these things existed within me; I was just me. When they began to creep up from my unconscious, however, it created a rift in the relationship; ultimately destroying it. I would regularly think she was cheating. I'd tell her that I wasn't worthy of her. That I didn't deserve her. I'd act possessive, afraid of losing her. I became aware of all the attention she unwittingly drew to herself. I grew jealous.

In the end, she did cheat. She found love elsewhere. I don't blame her - I pushed her away. I tried to push her away. I consider cheating to be the symptom of a relationship gone wrong. She's still with him now.

Even now I feel a stab of envy when I think of her with him, happily living together. Him with none of the problems I had. Him with the money I lacked. Him with the personality I lacked. Him with the appearance I lacked.

I felt entitled to her in many ways. I had suffered enough in life; she was my prize of sorts. The one I'd been waiting for all this time. I'd fought through all those days to reach her when I did, and I was happy. She didn't just reject the mask I wore for society, but she rejected and shattered me to the very core. I had nowhere to run and hide. I think I caught a glimpse of something beneath that shattered core of mine, something distant and dormant; true peace and wellbeing.

I vowed that I'd become all I had the potential to be; to recreate myself, to become a better person. I didn't want to live in fear anymore. I was tired of hiding from the world. That newfound drive led to a huge inner search for purpose, identity and understanding. The process of rebuilding had well and truly begun... I still catch glimpses of that stillness within, from time to time. In quiet, reflective moments. Like now.

Am I a more complete person now? I'm not sure we ever reach 'completion' - but we take the journey toward it nonetheless. Oh how we struggle. I like to think I'm a little bit wiser at least, about the world. More confident in myself. Where love was a blinding white light before, now it's an entire spectrum of colour. I see more now, and it's truly beautiful. I want to fully explore this spectrum - but something is holding me back.

Even though I'm predominantly a happy and optimistic person now (whereas I was mostly negative and pessimistic back then), I continue to break down from time to time. Majorly. Self-doubt, self-loathing and fear fill me. Fear that this is how I'm going to remain; a somewhat happy, yet deeply flawed, person. One who will never be quite right.

I keep turning inward, away from people. I don't let them get too close. I put up a veil of humour behind which I hide. It carries me through most social situations. Whenever I become aware of the slightest hint that something could go further, I but some barrier up between myself and the world so as to make sure it can't go on. Then I scold myself for not being who I really am around people (and I think I know who I really am, I've felt it); I hide in a shell, just like old times. The casual observer, watching the world through his looking glass, wishing nothing more than to be a part of it like everybody else.

The whole process of love and relationships - or, what I've come to understand of them - seem to have been lit before me, and, whereas before I was in the dark, unaware of what lay ahead, now I see all around. Now I consciously take a path around experiences that beforehand I would have stumbled into. How many opportunities am I missing due to this avoidance? Afterall, it was pure chance I happened across this girl in the first place.

I thought I'd gone deep down to the core of my situation. I have learned a lot. I have. I just don't see how I can go any further into myself to find more answers; to learn and grow and get over her. To love again, which I seem to want. Maybe that's the problem? Maybe I should just stop wanting love; but that sounds like a very poor way of living life...

Is this just the curse that befalls all those who eat of the fruit of love?

(That's all. I should just create a blog, I know. I do this rarely though. I don't care if nobody reads this; it was enough for me to let it out as I have. But feel free to leave some advice, preferably from personal experience...)

The only thing I can say is it is so easy to think it is the end of the world. My first boyfriend was the love of my life. Like you he was mine for two years, the only thing in the world I felt like I didn't have to share with anyone. He didn't cheat but may as well have because 2 weeks after leaving me he started a new relationship with a girl. He is still with her 5 years later. I'm not going to say it was easy. I was pretty much in love with him a further 2 years after we split up, despite me going out with someone else for a year of that, even though I didn't speak to him. I then started a new relationship which lasted 2 years (which takes me up to about 6 months ago) and even though I was deeply in love with this man I still had feelings for THE ONE. The first love. However. It only took a short break between me and my ex boyfriend (strangely my first boyfriend was on a break from his long term girlfriend- they are back together now) that we met on a night out and kissed. Since then and I can honestly say this, I have not been interested in speaking to him ever again. My younger self got closure on the heartbreak I had felt for so many years! Sometimes it purely is wanting something you can't have. I know this isn't viable for everybody because at the end of the day you might not have that chance with you ex, to experience what I did 4 years on from our split in 2006. The mentality of overcoming someones power of you is so hard, and there are many ways about it, and I relate this same experience to the boyfriend I split with 6 months ago. I only want what I cant have. I just hope this feeling doesn't last as long as it did with my first love.