Girls' opinion wanted - is this fair?
Not sure this needs to be anonymous but oh well.
I'm really good mates with this girl, have been for a long time. I know that she wants to be more than friends and I too am considering it. The only thing is, we are both going to uni next year and won't be close to each other. Is it unfair of me to basically say 'let's see each other for a year and then see what happens after that?'. Obviously not phrased so bluntly but suggesting that we are more than friends for a year but don't dedicate to the long term.
I don't mean friends with benefits, I mean basically together as a couple for the period before we go away. I'm worried that if I simply ask her out, it will get to the point where we go to different places and the relationship won't work. Some people make long distance relationships last but I'm not sure I would want to. I don't want to date her for a year and then just say 'Well, it's been nice, now we're breaking up' so wondered if hinting that we would have to break up from the start would help?
Is this insensitive? I appreciate any help!!
I'm really good mates with this girl, have been for a long time. I know that she wants to be more than friends and I too am considering it. The only thing is, we are both going to uni next year and won't be close to each other. Is it unfair of me to basically say 'let's see each other for a year and then see what happens after that?'. Obviously not phrased so bluntly but suggesting that we are more than friends for a year but don't dedicate to the long term.
I don't mean friends with benefits, I mean basically together as a couple for the period before we go away. I'm worried that if I simply ask her out, it will get to the point where we go to different places and the relationship won't work. Some people make long distance relationships last but I'm not sure I would want to. I don't want to date her for a year and then just say 'Well, it's been nice, now we're breaking up' so wondered if hinting that we would have to break up from the start would help?
Is this insensitive? I appreciate any help!!
Scroll to see replies
Original post by Chewyy
You'll need to tell her that so she knows and so she can decide if she wants to be in a relationship with you if you feel that way.
I second this
Original post by Chewyy
You'll need to tell her that so she knows and so she can decide if she wants to be in a relationship with you if you feel that way.
Original post by MoonsLoveChild
I second this
That would be the plan. That's why I'm worried if I don't tell her, I'll just end up making her upset and ruin the friendship, which I don't want to do.
Ok, we'll if you like her go for it!
I think I'd feel the same to be honest. The reality is, she probably feels the same way too. So what I'd do, is start going out. Eventually you guys are gonna talk about it! You're not gonna ignore it until the day you guys head off to uni.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I think I'd feel the same to be honest. The reality is, she probably feels the same way too. So what I'd do, is start going out. Eventually you guys are gonna talk about it! You're not gonna ignore it until the day you guys head off to uni.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I think it's fair enough, but it shouldn't be a major concern. Many people go to university and it's not an uncommon issue. I would say you're thinking quite far ahead though. Even if you were together for a year or so, and then faced difficulties it is a joint problem and wouldn't be 'your fault'. I assume that she's aware you will be far away from each other when you both go to uni, so it would be an agreement between the two of you to see how things work out. That's how many relationships are anyway.
If you think about it, dating someone in the first place is to see if things could go further.
If you think about it, dating someone in the first place is to see if things could go further.
(edited 11 years ago)
Original post by thinktoomuch610
Ok, we'll if you like her go for it!
I think I'd feel the same to be honest. The reality is, she probably feels the same way too. So what I'd do, is start going out. Eventually you guys are gonna talk about it! You're not gonna ignore it until the day you guys head off to uni.
Posted from TSR Mobile
I think I'd feel the same to be honest. The reality is, she probably feels the same way too. So what I'd do, is start going out. Eventually you guys are gonna talk about it! You're not gonna ignore it until the day you guys head off to uni.
Posted from TSR Mobile
This is a good point. My only concern is that if I don't make it obvious, she'll expect it be a long term thing I don't think we could keep up. I might just have to give it a go, thank you!
If you're both going to different unis, then if I were you I'd definitely keep it at friendship level. I'm a junior (3rd out of 4 years we do here in the U.S.) and I have seen sooo many relationships ruined when one of the people involved goes to uni or they both go to different ones. It's great to be in a relationship with someone who's also a close friend, but it sounds like it's not a great time in life to pursue that... like you said at least wait a year.
Uni will change both of you a LOT and you will both be hanging out with different people of both genders and so you never know, things can change and it'll hurt a lot more if you're in a long distance relationship and she or you becomes interested in someone else. When you're long distance like that and at separate unis you're hanging out with different people like I said... so if you were in a relationship that'd make it tricky if you started fancying someone else where you go to school or she does. Give it a year and remain in good contact and then go from there! If you can remain good friends for a year then go for it, but it's a good test because going to uni will change both of you and you'll leave a lot of friends from your past behind.
Uni will change both of you a LOT and you will both be hanging out with different people of both genders and so you never know, things can change and it'll hurt a lot more if you're in a long distance relationship and she or you becomes interested in someone else. When you're long distance like that and at separate unis you're hanging out with different people like I said... so if you were in a relationship that'd make it tricky if you started fancying someone else where you go to school or she does. Give it a year and remain in good contact and then go from there! If you can remain good friends for a year then go for it, but it's a good test because going to uni will change both of you and you'll leave a lot of friends from your past behind.
She'l respect you for bringing it up with her so do it.
Just take her out for coffee and explain that you really want to be with her but the whole LDR thing simply doesn't work well in a university environment but you want to experience as much as possible with her in the small timeframe you have.
If you do get together then at christmas time you'll have a **** buddy for a couple weeks. Guaranteed.
Just take her out for coffee and explain that you really want to be with her but the whole LDR thing simply doesn't work well in a university environment but you want to experience as much as possible with her in the small timeframe you have.
If you do get together then at christmas time you'll have a **** buddy for a couple weeks. Guaranteed.
I'd find it insensitive. It's like you're committing to not liking her enough to try later on, like you're just going out with her because she's there.
But you know, if you think she'll be up for it, it's fine as long as you make it clear!
But you know, if you think she'll be up for it, it's fine as long as you make it clear!
Original post by Knighted
She'l respect you for bringing it up with her so do it.
Just take her out for coffee and explain that you really want to be with her but the whole LDR thing simply doesn't work well in a university environment but you want to experience as much as possible with her in the small timeframe you have.
Just take her out for coffee and explain that you really want to be with her but the whole LDR thing simply doesn't work well in a university environment but you want to experience as much as possible with her in the small timeframe you have.
This is pretty much exactly how I feel, but didn't want to upset her or make it seem insensitive. Thanks a lot.
Original post by joker12345
I'd find it insensitive. It's like you're committing to not liking her enough to try later on, like you're just going out with her because she's there.
But you know, if you think she'll be up for it, it's fine as long as you make it clear!
But you know, if you think she'll be up for it, it's fine as long as you make it clear!
I understand that, but it's just the fact that I don't think long distance relationships could work, which then leads to me breaking up with her when she won't expect it. :/
I agree that you should just tell her, she might even feel the same. It's best to let her know now because I think leaving it and breaking up with her will probably make her feel much worse than if she knew outright. It's unfair if you don't tell her, I think. Better to let her know from the beginning.
Original post by vaguity
I agree that you should just tell her, she might even feel the same. It's best to let her know now because I think leaving it and breaking up with her will probably make her feel much worse than if she knew outright. It's unfair if you don't tell her, I think. Better to let her know from the beginning.
Exactly, but I don't know if (effectively) suggesting a 1 year relationship is just insensitive in itself. I suppose I can't know what she thinks unless I ask her.
Appreciate all the help and advice!
Original post by Anonymous
This is a good point. My only concern is that if I don't make it obvious, she'll expect it be a long term thing I don't think we could keep up. I might just have to give it a go, thank you!
You should definitely give it a go man! But I get what you mean, you don't want to heat her, which shows you're a good guy, and she'll appreciate that. Right, so talk to her about how you realise this wont be forever, because this is a really big year for you both with uni coming up and all but that this is working now and you really like her.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by thinktoomuch610
You should definitely give it a go man! But I get what you mean, you don't want to heat her, which shows you're a good guy, and she'll appreciate that. Right, so talk to her about how you realise this wont be forever, because this is a really big year for you both with uni coming up and all but that this is working now and you really like her.
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
I hope so, but part of me is still worried it will blow up in my face. Still, you can only know if you try, right.
Original post by Anonymous
Exactly, but I don't know if (effectively) suggesting a 1 year relationship is just insensitive in itself. I suppose I can't know what she thinks unless I ask her.
Appreciate all the help and advice!
Appreciate all the help and advice!
I think you should tell her - you never know what might happen, maybe you break up before the year is up, but I think it is good that you mention at the start that you are not warm to the idea of an LDR.
I have done this with much shorter time periods (2-3 weeks before actually), so I don't think it is insensitive to bring it up, in fact, it is mature.
However, you never know, maybe after a year you feel like you might want to try and maintain it.
Original post by Journeyzap
I think you should tell her - you never know what might happen, maybe you break up before the year is up, but I think it is good that you mention at the start that you are not warm to the idea of an LDR.
I have done this with much shorter time periods (2-3 weeks before actually), so I don't think it is insensitive to bring it up, in fact, it is mature.
However, you never know, maybe after a year you feel like you might want to try and maintain it.
I have done this with much shorter time periods (2-3 weeks before actually), so I don't think it is insensitive to bring it up, in fact, it is mature.
However, you never know, maybe after a year you feel like you might want to try and maintain it.
Thanks man, appreciate the help
And possibly, but I can't imagine seeing someone without actually...seeing them 
I'll give it some more thought.Original post by Anonymous
Exactly, but I don't know if (effectively) suggesting a 1 year relationship is just insensitive in itself. I suppose I can't know what she thinks unless I ask her.
Appreciate all the help and advice!
Appreciate all the help and advice!
Well I told my boyfriend about my doubts about long distance relationships for when I go to uni, I think he was a bit upset but we're enjoying what we have. But I mean you never know what will happen - your relationship might not even last a year (pessimism here!), or you might find that you can maintain a long distance relationship after all
I think it would be more insensitive not to tell her what might happen because at least by telling her you're letting her know what you think, and you're valuing her opinion, letting her make her own decision about the potential relationship. Not telling her and then dumping her after a year when she might be assuming a really long relationship is crueler I think.
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- Relationships
- girls have you ever thought a chubby guy is actually attractive?
- do lesbian girls value height as much as straight girls do?
- Is she interested
- Situation
- Witty reply needed asap
- Hot Girls *PICS*
- How can i talk to this girl
- Open for honest opinions and views on this situation
- A teacher wanted to cane me when I was 14 but I am 28 now
- body count
- Do Japanese/ Korean girls like Indian/ Pakistan/ Bangladesh guys?
- Asking for a female opinion
- opinions on this
- Are uk Northern girls more open compared to Southern girls
- Girls; if you found out a guy was fantasising over your photos...
- BTS vs BLACKPINK
- Do Chinese girls like Filipino Guys?
- A guy I like who has a girl best friend.
- Young Love.
Latest
Trending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 5 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 5 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 3 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
